No family support, anyone else? Help me find solutions.

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Feeling alone and exhausted. We have 2 kids, 2 years apart: youngest is 9 months (crawling, fussy), eldest nearly 3 (terrible twos).

Both parents useless, dead or alive. One has passed, but wasn’t any help when alive. My mum is alive but may as well not be, only met my eldest once 2 years ago, has never met youngest, won’t visit, and her house isn’t safe for kids. She’s an alcohol and mental health problems, possibly the most draining self centred person you could imagine and all caused by my late father who abused her emotionally and rumoured, physically but no idea if that’s her wild imagination or the truth. Don’t care at this point, she has failed me as a mother since the day I was born and I’ve been left with troubled siblings which only adds to my stress. Yes I have by now distanced myself/cut them off for my own sanity…

In-laws (mid-70s) are helpful with other grandkids (now 6+ and up to uni age) but say how much harder it is now at their age and find it hard to help as much as they did with the other grandkids (19, 16, 8, 6). They live 2 hours away but will happily drive 2 hours to BIL’s to do school pick-ups, give dinner, and drive home just because BIL/SIL are working late and “don’t trust anyone else.” But visiting us in London? “Too much traffic.” It is straight motorways to BIL but their only solution when we say we’re struggling is “come to us.”

When we do, we get fed and it’s nice to have a change of scenery, kids like the big garden and not worrying about food is nice, but help is minimal: no mornings, no overnights, no weekends without us. We’re still hands-on, plus have to pack for 5 (including the dog), deal with travel car sickness, overtired kids, and disrupted routines. Yesterday we left at 6.30pm, home by 8.30pm, no one slept in the car, toddler vomited, everyone overtired. We walked back into a messy house because we’d been too busy packing to tidy before we left. Honestly, not worth it.

We get more help seeing local friends with kids, where toddlers play and people happily hold the baby. DH agrees but won’t push back when PIL suggest visiting them. Just says we only do it every couple of months, it’s manageable, the drive here is horrid hence why we don’t enjoy it and they’re old. We’ve discussed moving out of london and we will but in a few years time. What if we moved closer for the help and their age doesn’t stop being a factor?

Meanwhile, others I know have grandparents flying in from abroad to take grandkids at 6am so parents can lay in, having them for the weekend while grandparents go to weddings, 5 days at Glastonbury, and holidays of their own. Dream scenario. We have to pay for every minute of help to have any kind of life….. I’ve not found anyone who can do double bedtime successfully yet. Given the age of the DCs they just want mum and dad or grandparents would be ideal but here we are.

DH turns 40 later this year. PIL say they won’t have both DCs as a full weekend including bedtime and mornings is ‘too much’ in case they might be unwell or not sleeping for example and even still would only help if we drive up rather come here.

For context, 2 years ago for a child-free wedding we rebooked flights to leave from near PIL, dropped off DC1, (2+ hours), packed for him and Us, their nearest airport we could leave from was 90 min away and all in return for 2 night stay. They ignored our messages when it was going badly sleep-wise. Non stop worry. We’d have been better off paying a professional to stay at ours.

I’d love to ring “mum” for help but don’t have one, never have done. I made my peace but this weekend everyone seems to be off without DCs and we feel exhausted from visiting PIL.

Any advice? We don’t want an au pair as the house isn’t enourmous being in London and someone would drive me mad living here, but I’m starting to think we need to hire someone so we can stop begging family for scraps of help and finally get a break.

what have others done in this scenario? No siblings my side as I established but DH has an older sister who is almost an empty nested, eldest off to uni in September. So left with her 16 year old. Could be an option but we’ve never asked.

It’s tough. We had three dc and no help. It meant we were quite self sufficient compared to friends because we had to be. I resent the fact we’re expected to help in-laws now though and don’t go out of my way for them.

Yes I find people who have the most help tend to lack EQ and possibly have been doted on hand and foot most of their lives. It’s no different to telling someone you splashed an extortionate amount of money on something the majority of people couldn’t afford but would be a ‘nice to have’ or would put the same money towards something that is a ‘must have’… like food on the table or healthcare.

Just got on with it?

I find more people have little/no help than have loads tbh - we all leave it too late to have kids so grandparents are well into their 70s and are a bit past dealing with rambunctious toddlers for long weekends. I think in the past fewer women worked full time & people tended to move back nearer where they grew up, so you had energetic grandmas in their late 50s and early 60s who were more able to be hands on. Plus mums worked less with toddlers so were juggling less, and the grandparent childcare mainly came in doing a few school runs for slightly older kids.

You need a break, now. I used to get particularly sad about my perceived unfairness when I was badly in need of a rest. Time to get some me time, you will care a lot less when you feel more recharged.

Use your resources to soften the stress. Develop your own team.

This is beautiful and I hope for the same. I have an old school friend who has a 5 and 3 year old and has never once been away as a family unit, 100% of the time with grandparents of some kind (they have 3 sets) and friends. They keep ‘talking’ about it but decided to leave the kids and go away on their own in the end as they need a break apparently. Her mum comes once a week, her MiL once a week and she doesn’t work but the kids go to a private nursery, shorter days but still out the house daily.

Mid 70’s who can blame them for not helping out more. It sounds like they do help out a lot where they can with older GC, but find babies and toddlers too much. That’s to be expected at their age. Sucks for you, but there’d not much you can do here apart from just get through the next few years. My parents were 5hrs drive away, never had them alone, apart from a couple of hours when I was in a local pub with a friend. Ex’s parents never babysat, even for a few hrs. We went out separately, I went on a few small breaks with friends.

After ex and I split, he spent many years overseas and I was left to cope alone. You do cope, as you have no choice. And it does feel upsetting when friends seem to have a much bigger support network. It’s ok to feel resentful of that. My DC are 21 and 17 now. The years do go fast, and one day you have a life again. Until then pay for some babysitters, maybe agree with friends to do a babysitting circle.

Never understood this.

They're your children. You wanted them.

But then again, I watched my mother bring up 2 children completely alone.as my dad left when I was three and contributed nothing.

Her parents were on the other side of the country.and his naturally weren't involved. My mother managed.

Just get on with it. How many grown adults does it take to raise two children. There's two of you

Yes I won’t be the sandwich generation and I didn’t grieve when DF died nor will I when DM passes. Did all my grieving over the past 25 years. DH loves his parents and I’m sure will be there no matter what. My next door neighbour has her parents round every single weekend. Her Dads car is permanently there on the weekend, she even has him a permit. Another mum friend has her mum do the nursery run every Thursday so she and DH can have an evening either for working late, gym, friends, date night. It’s so common round here.

Absolutely. DH is my secret weapon!! Absolute saint. Very much takes up the mantle when I’m on my knees, like last year when I was pregnant with a 1 year old, working full time, it was tough. If nothing else I’d love his parents to help him the same way they helped his brother as he needs a break too. He is going away for his 40th with friends and we have a nursery worker doing bedtime for the first time this Friday. If successful I’m going to keep it a regular and get us away later in the autumn perhaps.

Fast forward 18 years there will be a lot of regret. Not only because they haven’t bonded as strongly as they could have done, but their selfish decisions meant they have no lovely memories of time with their little children just on their own, happy holidays, outings etc.

It goes by at lightening speed. The shared difficulties and strain also works as the glue that holds you together later on when the problems become much bigger. The trust that develops from your consistently will reap many rewards as the dc get older. Your reliability and love gives your children security in a way no one can replace, not even a much loved gp. They will always come to you. You will know them inside and out, and it is invaluable later on. Look up secure attachment. It’s so important.

Those that had too much help had the option to be emotionally checked out, and often did or were simply absent much of the time. Once the dc hit the age of independence they were long gone, and not looking back. There is nothing to anchor them to the family unit.

When you are in the trenches it feels so bloody hard, but it’s also the thing that creates the closeness all children crave. You can meet all of their needs. All of them. They need nothing more. You do need to take time for yourself though. This is non negotiable. 💐

I am sorry you’re struggling but I’d guess it’s not actually a majority of people in this situation. If you start looking around, you’ll find more people without any help than people with help on tap.

Children are harder in different ways all along the way. Babies are exhausting - a lot of physical exhaustion, primary aged children tend to have a lot of driving around in circles and random logistical complications with school shows and assemblies and Christmas fairs always on exactly the wrong weekend. Now my daughter is 12 I'm heading into all the teenage challenges - social issues, homework, exams, hormones, etc etc etc.

I know you’re exhausted so it’s hard to think straight. That part will (probably!) pass and you’ll start to figure out what works for you. I would try to stop comparing as you can’t change it. Your children are significantly younger than their cousins and your in-laws are therefore older and more tired and less able. I imagine they don’t want to get involved in providing care they cannot maintain and wouldn’t want to set up another decade of caring ahead of them when it’s actually time for the next generation to take care of them. My parents and in-laws are in their 70s now and just aren’t able to be left with my children overnight - and mine are old enough to pretty much be in charge of themselves.

And yes I wouldn’t be putting my dc through long journeys if it’s making them sick. Your il will have to find another way to see them if they want to. I would be limiting my dc discomfort at such a young age.

I feel for you. My two kids were about that age apart and luckily I had lots of help from my parents, can you maybe hire a trusted babysitter and make it a regular thing so you get a break ?

I agree to a certain extent. I also have my sister dumping her problems on me in lieu of parents. Almost 30 and just cannot grow up. In/out relationships, has a spending problem, in debt and has a habit of turning up at my door when the going gets tough. She has lived with me for 5 weeks when I was pregnant with DC1 after one breakup and requested to ‘come round’ with her suitcase after her latest breakup end of last year when I had a 7 week old baby and 2 year old. She offered to help recently in exchange for chilling with me and DH when it suits her (Sundays and evenings). I’d rather not have the help and not have her calling me crying down the phone. The ripple effect of my parents being the way they were/are will never leave me.

I have a lot more help than you but still feel jealous of others who get even more. Ultimately you have to find solutions that work for your family. Focus on giving each other a break and then explore paid solutions. I know families that have used lots of different options. Eg asking if anyone at nursery does babysitting, asking teenagers (probably when your baby is a bit older), finding someone from childcare.co.uk. Again when your kids are older you can explore childcare swaps. You are in a really hard phase but there are a lot of options especially as the kids get older. You could see if your niece wants to be paid for a couple of hours here and there so it can build up as she builds a relationship with them and as they get older. I employed an older teenager doing a levels to take the kids to the park and look after them downstairs while I got on with some work for example.

Crikey that’s tough. Did your parents help more with your DCs as they were so much older? I think in a few years both DHs siblings would have them to stay. Sorry you were forgotten like that, maybe there’s another explanation? Have you tried to ask?

Love this, yes to the break. DS1 was sent home with a stomach bug and was home for 5 days with my baby as I’m on mat leave, DH in office 4 days a week. It exhausted me then we went to see PIL for help and that was exhausting. I will work on a babysitter to come frequently to put the boys to bed so we can have actual evenings out, not rushing out the door half ready at 8pm but leaving at 6.00pm fully ready. Work up to someone staying over night and get away with DH in autumn and in the meantime book to see my friend over summer.

We have two very young DC and no family support. Honestly I live in London and among my friends it's the norm - none of us live near our families and all have to pay for childcare

If she offers take her up on it ! Once a month for an afternoon so you and DP can have a relaxed lunch?

I feel your pain - in similar situation with 2 autistic children. Haven’t had a night away from them in nearly 4 years.

Lots of posters noted I’m in the worst phase for parenting. How long does this go on for exactly? Is it because baby is coming up to 1 or is it going to last until baby is 3 for example? :)

For me it got easier when youngest was 1-2 then easier again from 2-3 etc. Both kids are now at school and everything is just so much easier. It's not easy but I get a decent amount of time to myself and I no longer worry about the kids with a babysitter as they are pretty easy to look after and can communicate any issues to me too.

We did the alternate weekend thing for lie ins, a very few evening swops with other parents we had met ...first overnight without dc was when they were away on cub camp then school residential...
DC didn't really like sleepovers much so just a couple of those in emergency...and a few paid evenings for big events...

Most people I know don't have much help from family...

That is life with small children.
It won't be forever.
Hire someone.
You really shouldn't be pressuring your in-laws in their 70's for help.

This is/was us + two totally inflexible jobs thrown in... sink or swim! There's no alternative, so best not get in a negative mindset as it's a long old journey!!