No family support, anyone else? Help me find solutions.

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Feeling alone and exhausted. We have 2 kids, 2 years apart: youngest is 9 months (crawling, fussy), eldest nearly 3 (terrible twos).

Both parents useless, dead or alive. One has passed, but wasn’t any help when alive. My mum is alive but may as well not be, only met my eldest once 2 years ago, has never met youngest, won’t visit, and her house isn’t safe for kids. She’s an alcohol and mental health problems, possibly the most draining self centred person you could imagine and all caused by my late father who abused her emotionally and rumoured, physically but no idea if that’s her wild imagination or the truth. Don’t care at this point, she has failed me as a mother since the day I was born and I’ve been left with troubled siblings which only adds to my stress. Yes I have by now distanced myself/cut them off for my own sanity…

In-laws (mid-70s) are helpful with other grandkids (now 6+ and up to uni age) but say how much harder it is now at their age and find it hard to help as much as they did with the other grandkids (19, 16, 8, 6). They live 2 hours away but will happily drive 2 hours to BIL’s to do school pick-ups, give dinner, and drive home just because BIL/SIL are working late and “don’t trust anyone else.” But visiting us in London? “Too much traffic.” It is straight motorways to BIL but their only solution when we say we’re struggling is “come to us.”

When we do, we get fed and it’s nice to have a change of scenery, kids like the big garden and not worrying about food is nice, but help is minimal: no mornings, no overnights, no weekends without us. We’re still hands-on, plus have to pack for 5 (including the dog), deal with travel car sickness, overtired kids, and disrupted routines. Yesterday we left at 6.30pm, home by 8.30pm, no one slept in the car, toddler vomited, everyone overtired. We walked back into a messy house because we’d been too busy packing to tidy before we left. Honestly, not worth it.

We get more help seeing local friends with kids, where toddlers play and people happily hold the baby. DH agrees but won’t push back when PIL suggest visiting them. Just says we only do it every couple of months, it’s manageable, the drive here is horrid hence why we don’t enjoy it and they’re old. We’ve discussed moving out of london and we will but in a few years time. What if we moved closer for the help and their age doesn’t stop being a factor?

Meanwhile, others I know have grandparents flying in from abroad to take grandkids at 6am so parents can lay in, having them for the weekend while grandparents go to weddings, 5 days at Glastonbury, and holidays of their own. Dream scenario. We have to pay for every minute of help to have any kind of life….. I’ve not found anyone who can do double bedtime successfully yet. Given the age of the DCs they just want mum and dad or grandparents would be ideal but here we are.

DH turns 40 later this year. PIL say they won’t have both DCs as a full weekend including bedtime and mornings is ‘too much’ in case they might be unwell or not sleeping for example and even still would only help if we drive up rather come here.

For context, 2 years ago for a child-free wedding we rebooked flights to leave from near PIL, dropped off DC1, (2+ hours), packed for him and Us, their nearest airport we could leave from was 90 min away and all in return for 2 night stay. They ignored our messages when it was going badly sleep-wise. Non stop worry. We’d have been better off paying a professional to stay at ours.

I’d love to ring “mum” for help but don’t have one, never have done. I made my peace but this weekend everyone seems to be off without DCs and we feel exhausted from visiting PIL.

Any advice? We don’t want an au pair as the house isn’t enourmous being in London and someone would drive me mad living here, but I’m starting to think we need to hire someone so we can stop begging family for scraps of help and finally get a break.

what have others done in this scenario? No siblings my side as I established but DH has an older sister who is almost an empty nested, eldest off to uni in September. So left with her 16 year old. Could be an option but we’ve never asked.

I know very few people who have childcare from grandparents. When DC was young we would:

• pay for a nursery worker to babysit- would have to do bedtime first, but could still get out for dinner

-go out separately with friends

-do reciprocal babysitting with friends we met from nursery

We live a few hours from one grandparent but actually found that once DC were older the grandparent was happy to have them to stay. Kids had to be out of nappies, able to get themselves to bed, which is fair enough, but it gave us the occasional night away to go to a wedding etc.

They are retired and as I say do plenty for BIL.

When your children get to age 8 and 6 you'll realise how unreasonable you're being. It's a completely different kettle of fish to a 9 month old and a 2 year old.

ETA: By then your in-laws will be in their 80's so of course you will again be a completely different situation to your BIL.

On a practical level we both pay for flu jabs every year.

Yeah I agree with the idea that expectations play a role here. My own mother didn't have any family support so to me this is normal. What I didn't expect was to be in the minority and for people to be surprised at us not having anyone.

I just accepted that I’d never have any free time away from children. Used paid childcare for when at work.

Our DGC have both sets of GP. One set is very flexible but doesn’t offer, one set offers but is not at all flexible. Between us we take DGC on holiday from time to time, occasionally baby sit, sometimes have sleepovers, pick up from school weekly, cover all school holidays. Certainly there is no regular time off for parents, no 6am starts, no festival time which you describe.
I’d suggest two solutions to anyone in your situation. Ask for a sleepover on a Friday night as children are too tired to resist bedtime. Seek another family in your circumstances and exchange child care.

We had no parental help - mine both dead, and DH's mum caring for DH's dad who had alzheimers. So we got in au pairs, who were brilliant. Such a pressure valve if you were running late coming home from work, or if you were ill. Hopefully, this new EU young person's mobility scheme will start up soon and young families will be able to have au pairs again who rae keen to be part of a family to help improve their English.

Just saw a post about friendships which made me realise I left something out of my first post. I totally agree with finding parent friends. Mum friends have been my lifeline sometimes. I have always made an effort at toddler groups, the school gates, at parties etc to talk to other parents (the nice ones 🤣) and arrange play dates. I’d arrange more play dates tbh but everyone is so busy! But it’s been so helpful to me to have people in the same boat and sometimes we help each other out. For example I’ve done school runs for friends who have had 9am hospital appointments, likewise they’ve helped me with the odd school pick up when I’ve been stuck. There is also a small group of mums that I socialise with. I’ve very much created my own village and I’m grateful for that, but you do have to put in and maintain the effort.

I'm listening to the Let Them theory by Mel Robbins at the moment and it has lots of stuff about life not being fair and how to be more active and less passive. Highly recommend. Yes it's annoying (I had years of SIL saying ooh I could never put my kids in childcare, well she never had to) and I don't think it's uncommon, if you have moved to London, to have no help - but you will be a stronger person for having had to work things out yourself.

But op has small children that do need to stick to some sort of routine, it's not acceptable for the inlaws to ignore that and still insist that dinner is at 6pm meaning op gets home late.

I haven't seen a post saying the in laws insist dinner must be at 6pm?

If that is the case, OP and her husband can use their words and say, 'can we possibly eat at lunchtime as we need to leave by xpm?'

Personally I'd advise against asking your sister in law if she's only just got her own off her hands. Maybe see if she offers.

Bear in mind you’re at one of the hardest points re the ages of your children.

My mum died when I was 17, then dad died very suddenly when I was 24. So I always knew I wouldn’t have any help from my parents if I was going to have children! I miss them but I guess in some ways it’s easier than if they were around and could help but wouldn’t. PIL are lovely but they are very much for emergencies, they don’t live close enough to be regular childcare.

Our solution has been to just wait to be honest. My youngest is 2 next month (I can say that for another day!) and DS is 5 in December. They are a lot easier than when one was three and one was still a baby. I think when they are three and five I’ll be smiling and six and four I’ll be laughing.

When people post the oh just you waits about teens I often wonder if they are people who had a lot of support from their own parents to navigate the early years especially the under 3s!

It's not a race to the bottom...but some people have it worse, I am a lone parent to 2 sons, have been for 9 years. My Father is estranged and unsafe, my Mother is uninterested unless I do the heavy lifting (driving, organise). I bought a home a year ago which needed much more work than first realised, I've had to do it all alone, working full time with one disabled child. I work in a fairly middle class industry, and I view family support and another form of wealth.

You have to accept and adapt. Do not expect change from anyone else, rely on yourself. It's not ideal, but it's the card that's been dealt and you will can build from there. You are not alone, although it's easy to feel that way when you see others with support, but you're not.

No family help here. 3 out of 4 grandparents are dead and 1 isn't interested. It's hard but it is what it is. I don't expect anyone, even family to take care of my child. That's the parents job. The only thing that upsets me is that my child won't have that close relationship with a grandparent that I had growing up. That hurts my heart for my child. I don't expect someone to make my life easier so whether I can go out for a night out or go to glastonbury or whatever I don't care about, I'm only sad for my child.

I get it Op. We had no help from my parents or in laws but our siblings with slightly older children got huge amounts. It was hard not to be resentful, particularly when siblings would moan about how hard they had it, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

All you can really do is work out what bits bother you the most and try and get coverage. If you are going to pay £4k for nursery I would have a look at live in Nannie’s if you have the room, it may not be much more expensive all in. And it is a lot easier and flexible to manage around jobs.

that was the route we went down by the way and the (very few) child free nights we have had away were covered by her.

Takes a village to raise a child.

if your families are not part of the tribe - you find your own one.

make friends at the school gate, invite people for play dates , find friends at church with similar ages kids.

you have theirs to play - they have yours to give yourself a break . As they get older you do sleepovers etc

Parenting can be lonely - do things with other families - share the liar of the kids as often 2 kids that get on will play without constant interaction from adults so you can supervise and socialise with the parents as bd get done adult conversation.

it’s not easy raiding kids - we never had any spare cash to pay for childcare or babysitters so we did these kind of play dates and swaps and sleepovers that really helped each other out. Worked really well and we all got so much from it. My best friend’s kid is my kids best friend - they are more like siblings (both in 20’s now) but we met at a group when tiny.

It’s shit OP. No one owes you anything but it’s hard when you see grandparents/family helping out and you have none. Same situation for us unfortunately. Very very occasionally my sister or my DH’s sister might help out, but in general we’ve just had to suck it up and make peace with not having any family support. I don’t think it’s that unusual.

DS has four grandparents who adore him, which is a blessing I don't take for granted.

However, we live 2+ hours away from both sets of grandparents (we're in the middle). Also, both sets of grandparents have one person with a long-term health issue. DS is made a fuss of by his grandparents during visits every couple of months, but all 'childcare' will be done by me or DH.

It's tough, DH and I haven't been out in the evening together since DS was born! However, all of the following help:

• DS goes to nursery while we both work FT, so we don't actually spend the majority of our mid-week time on childcare

• DH and I coordinate our diaries so that we can both get to hobbies / see friends / have a lie-in while the other of us looks after DS

• DS goes to bed at 7pm so DH and I try to make the most of time together in the evening (e.g. the other day we had a takeaway in the garden, with the baby monitor on the picnic blanket)

• We enjoy going out for brunch/lunch and taking DS along with us, and we save money by not going out for dinner and wine anymore!

• Hopefully when DS is older then grandparents or siblings or friends will be happy to look after him for the occasional weekend arranged a long time in advance e.g. if we had a wedding to go to

• I wouldn't want to go away on holiday without DS currently, as I'd like to max out my annual leave time with him

I totally do get envious though of people who have their parents just round the corner and willing to offer childcare!!

Pay for help
It is that simple

Zero help here. Literally zero. Two kids a year a part. Terrible sleepers. It’s a long hard slog and we are resigned to having no “us” or “me”
time and being shattered all the time. We have paid for holiday clubs in the past and this year are attempting to “tag team” through the summer hols. I worked 6am-1pm today! I’m so tired. People with copious help have no idea.

Honestly OP it’s shit as you’ve got both the fact that you don’t get the help and the break and the emotional impact of being reminded you have difficult relationship with a parent/don’t have a parent anymore/very ill parent.

We only have one DD and scouting has been brilliant as she loves going on camps and it gives us quiet weekends (don’t tend to go away in case she needs picking up for some reason but hasn’t happened yet).

I still remember having a borderline argument with one of my closest friend who did not seem to comprehend people not having two sets of willing grandparents just desperate to look after DD. It was very hurtful as my Mum is very ill so was not a nice reason why we didn’t have that help.

No help here either, it gets easier when you stop comparing to others. I always felt bad my DC were missing out on close relationships with family too but they are doing fine.
Me and DH just had to manage it between ourselves. A night out each with friends a couple of times a month, we both had a childfree holiday with friends each and a festival whilst the other looked after DC. Date nights were in the home when DC had gone to bed.

We had a similar situation. Ils died and my dp were not interested in helping. I was shocked and hurt for a while, resentful and seething with envy at others involved families and had hoped mine would be the same. They couldn’t even help when the baby was rushed into hospital to look after other dc.

We came to accept their decision and found a lovely older lady, and we gave up on going away together on our own. We did most things together as a family, and have ended up super close with our dc.

They actually did us a favour now as I see it, if we had farmed our dc out at every opportunity we wouldn’t have the close family we have now.

We have a close knit group of friends, and have had a really happy life.

My now adult dc are not interested in their grandparents at all, and are completely checked out. Gps reap what they have sown.

We are close to dhs sibling but she had her own 3dc to care for, but we have a great family connection with them. We couldn’t imagine now not holidaying as a family, and when other adult dc are nowhere to be seen we have continued to enjoy a close relationship.

I think you should hire a nanny. Must you have a live in au pair?

I was in a similar position to you when my children were young, I had no one other than my partner and at times it was hard.

I remember being so jealous of people with lots of support.I remember my Neighbour at the time working full time, Mon-Friday, both sets of Grandparents did the childcare.School holidays were covered by them too.Every Saturday was date night the Grandparents thought it important they spent time together as a couple they had worked all week and deserved this, so the kids slept over and returned Sunday afternoon.Couple weekends away were deemed important too.There was also financial support: new uniforms, kids bedrooms being decorated, big purchases like a new family car were always courtesy of the Grandparents.

i had no choice but to just get on with it and work around it , a local paid babysitter, taking turns with other Mums, going out separately.

Time passes so quickly, it does not last forever, once they hit secondary school you are on the home run.My saving grace is that now my kids are grown and unlike many people I know I’m not responsible for any elderly relatives. I have no elderly caring role whatsoever : no phone calls in the night, waiting in A&E for hours, visiting or appointments to manage.

Hang in there it does get better.

Well you sound qualified and suited to help answer the question I asked. Even if tips for survival. Rather than calling me entitled, perhaps read my post and the question I asked - for advice on how to navigate. If I’m entitled you are certainly arrogant.