Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

No its not.
Id rather stab myself in both eyes than endure this.

You don’t want to upset her or cause a rift so suck it up - be more wary of the next social occasion eg baby shower!

What consequences?

I don’t think you have to go to both hen dos!
ridiculous. Say you can’t make the home one if you’ve already paid for the abroad one. It’s not unreasonable at all. Be polite about it and say I can’t manage two hens sorry! Leave it at that x

This kind of thing is just awful. I often feel like I'm from a different planet when it comes to nights out - I miss the 'jeans and a nice top' days as now every night out seems to be a massive event with everyone scouring vinted, getting professional make up, and the endless, endless photos. It really puts me off social events. I actively give hens a wide berth for this reason. If it's someone close then you probably need to just go along with it a bit more but it's so tiresome.

I do sympathise, @MiniLob - the costs to you and your husband and others in the days leading up to this wedding are unreal. I always considered weddings to be about love and joy and not about destinations and Instagram and bank accounts.
I am, however, uncomfortable with the casual use of the word “narcissism.” There are actually very few narcissistic individuals walking around.

Sounds like a bleddy nightmare. And yes, I can completely understand why the latest "request" has just p*ssed you right off.

You could turn up in a black morph suit, both you and your mum???
The timing of your noro infection is unfortunate.. but would that leave your mum attending solo?
You could just reply and say, sorry I don't own any black clothing suitable for a hot summer day / dressy enough and this has all been a major financial commitment so far so I'll respectfully be wearing X and happy to step out of photos.

1k is alot i agree, but i presume you enjoyed some of it? So not a complete waste. If u can afford it why not?

Me too. Wow.

I have a relatively bat-shit selfish SIL but I clocked her and decided early on, without falling out with anyone, this sort of shit is not my bag and I'm not wasting significant amounts of money I can't afford on unnecessary batshittery.

Going along with absolutely everything is setting you up for a life of it. It won't end here.

It is just the beginning (whispered ominously) 😅

Go, but wear whatever you like. Maybe you'll get out of having to be in any of the 100s of photos.

I think you sound lovely and considerate op. It’s such a shame that these hen dos get completely OTT and I agree, it’s all about style over substance. The focus should be about the group genuinely feeling comfortable together and having the best time. It rarely is. Does anyone ever really enjoy them? And the expected financial layout for something (which in the big scheme of things, let’s be honest, is not that important to anyone other than the bride), is ridiculous and exploitative.

Yanbu.

Me too.

OP I'll give you my story:

Beautiful niece is getting married in just under 4 weeks. I love my niece very much. We're exactly 20 years apart & she's a great girl in so many ways- smart, funny, kind. BUT she's part of her generation & all its expectations. Abroad hen is on Friday & I'm the only auntie (inc SIL) not going. All other nieces also going, luckily I have 3 boys. I told her from the outset that it's just not my thing. The idea of a villa with 20× 30 year olds/ tshirts/ matching PJs/ willy straws/ day drinking is my idea of HELL. The villa looks beautiful, but it's just not for me. I was assured it would not be tacky in any way by both the utterly lovely bridesmaids, but I still don't care. Niece gets me & was totally fine. It was also £750 before you even buy any food or drink. I can afford it, but I don't want to spend that money and hate it. I hear there are 'themes' planned for each night/ dress codes.Argh!

I was at the home hen & that was okay as it was one night in a nice venue & I enjoyed seeing everyone. Groomt/ maids paid for it all too. Niece looked fabulous & all had a great time (even then there were willy straws/ a blow up penis🙄). Also the HUGE effort put in for games & personalised, expensive cup-cakes & biscuits, balloon arch, flower garlands was just mental.

I'm going to the wedding & will enjoy it. It's quite a chi-chi wedding, so my outfit- dress/ shoes/ bag/ hat- & outfit for youngest son (older 2 at uni & are travelling) plus generous wedding gift , accomodation for us all is significant, but I don't mind this since I swerved the hen.

My eldest sister also wonders why I don't want to go on cousins' trips away when there's enforced fun & suggestions of 'We'll have a day where we all.wear white/ a black bikini day/ flowery dress day.' Then I'm bitched about for saying 'Not for me'.🙄 I often wonder is it because all the others have girls? But, no, it's not all girls for sure. I despair, really.

I think I’d be inclined to subvert the black theme a bit. Maybe a black and white polka dot dress or black and white pattern. I would hate to turn up wearing black when every else is. It’s so controlling.
Also if you can’t afford to go to the 2nd gen do then tell her that you are struggling so will sit this one out.

They’ve asked you to be a bridesmaid.

Your obligations should be solely to bridesmaid duties on the day. Yes that stretches to organising a hen do but it shouldn’t include the expectation you shell out £1000’s of pounds .

You know, you've hit the nail.on the head - it IS controlling! I hadn't really managed to get that in amongst my feelings of 'tacky',.'performative' 'fake', but I think that's the base reason why I hate it!

You've done enough. Don't feel obliged. She's got fifty others coming and you're not her really close friend. Just politely decline the other hen do.

Presumably you're still fine with going to the wedding? Try and distance yourself from the whole situation. Go to the wedding, enjoy the food, drink and ceremony and conversation. You don't need to spend any more money or put in any more mental effort.

🤣 Love this! I'd be tempted to do the same.

I honestly don't know which is worse...
Being so spoilt that you expect people to pander (and cough up) to your every batshit diva desire or not being man enough to stand up for yourself and say, nope that's enough, it's crossed a line for me now.

Now that type of hen do I can get behind! Love the idea of all the women being present at the start so all age inclusive and urgh - adore an afternoon tea! With a cheeky Irish coffee also maybe! And the idea of a fun pub crawl with the GFs drawing attention to yourself makes sense as why not take your last opportunity to snog a stranger no strings attached whilst also petitioning for some new bride monetary support! 😅

Can you sound the bride out before making a decision? Either say that there might be a work thing you absolutely can’t get out of, something on your side of the family or just be honest and say you found the abroad hen really hard (blame some kind of social anxiety). And then see how she reacts. But if you give this “advance notice”, she reacts badly and you decide to go, don’t for the love of god call off sick at the last minute…

Wearing black isn’t that bad I suppose (I’ve seen a lot more batshit stuff, there was one bride recently who tried to force all her bridesmaids to wear fake tan and a purple sack).

I struggle with the whole live your life on social media thing too.

I was invited to a colleague’s hen do a few years back. Not a close friend by any means, just someone I worked with. Got the secret itinerary from the alpha bridesmaid and explained I’d love to attend some of the day, but would have to leave after lunch because I couldn’t get anyone to dog sit. Alpha bridesmaid was furious and ignored me at the hen and wedding (silly cow).

Real reason was I’d seen the afternoon itinerary included a flash mob dance training session wearing printed t shirts (size small all round obvs), to be performed at the wedding. Fuck. That.

In reality it was a lot of leery, old men chucking £1 in for a wet, lingering kiss- shudders. It's called having 'a bottling ' where I'm from & died out when I was early 20s (30 yes ago).

However, there's a great tale (real) of 6 nurses heading out in May each year on 6 different nights (different areas of the city/ satellite towns- you get the idea). Each night was one friend's turn to be the bride. These hi-jinks provided funds for their annual trip to the sun- they'd regularly get £300 -400 as all were young & beautiful. I love that - chucking it to the man!

Please don't do that.

She's planning an event, trying to make it a bit different. She thought the black dress theme would be easy as most of the previous hen do wore black.

I would find it really annoying if someone asked other guests to join them in vetoing the theme. Let her have her hen the way she wants. Don't go if you object to it.

Clearly you had/ organised a demanding hen 🙄

Urgh! I maybe romanticised it too much! 😂

Thats ace, those nurses with their side hustle - love it and well deserved no doubt!

Just make excuses and bow out