Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

[MiniLob]

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

1. Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.

2. Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

The bride sounds way over the top I wouldn't go to the second at home he . Ridiculous

I have a daughter (23) and I can assure you we would be sticking pins in each others eyes to get out of any forced/arranged 'fun' ... especially if it involved a theme.

You are not being unreasonable, this sounds massively over the top and narcissistic. However, given that it’s very close family and you’ve already done the expensive one, I would go along with it to keep the peace. Weddings cause heightened emotions and if you fall out with her over it it could permanently damage your relationship with her. You can work on setting boundaries in future over something less momentous than the wedding.

How judgemental and how wrong.
I didn't have a hen. We were too busy sorting out the wedding and moving.

If the OP says she wants to be supportive, then asking other guests to join her in vetoing and changing what seems to be a relatively simple theme is actually a horrible thing to do.

I've already said I thought the abroad hen was a big ask, but the UK hen having a simple theme doesn't seem demanding to me at all.

As MN loves to say "No is a complete sentence." and far less offensive than trying to change the Brides arrangements indirectly by asking other guests to join in demanding it.

Do you actually know her as well as you think you do?

When we chose the food for our wedding it was a fairly standard (although very nice) roast dinner with a choice of lamb, pork and beef. We did that because we had elderly relatives and hoped it would suit the majority. I’m not sure how Aunt Maureen would have coped with quail’s eggs and duck confit.

Similarly, my hen was a night out locally for a meal, drinking and dancing.

Some of our friends were very well off and some had young families and were really up against it financially. We tried to think of everyone when we were planning so that everyone could come and have a nice time without worrying about the cost.

Im not sure this is happening with your brothers wedding.

The abroad cost is wild but seems to be the done thing, all very instaworthy. I don’t get it either. I can understand why you are cheesed off. But… it’s done now. I think a ‘theme’ (wear black) for the uk hen do is ok. You love your soon to be SIL, you’re helping make her bride(zilla) dreams come true, maybe focus on that? And remember to smile, or laugh on cue, for the camera 😉

Why do people get completely carried away with getting married and spend thousands and thousands. 50% of marriages end in divorce... (sorry, grumpy and hot!)

Just when did all this more than one hen do rubbish start, and why isn't one enough? If anything it's worse than having two weddings where people get married abroad then have another wedding at home.
I know a couple who had a wedding in a location 10 miles from home then another church "wedding" (blessing I suppose) in their home town. It's madness.

If it put you in a difficult financial position I’d say don’t go, but otherwise I think I’d probably suck it up for the long term aim of family harmony and very much roll my eyes about it out of sight of the bride and her friends and family. I’d also hate being told what to wear but again if it’s going to result in a lifetime of her saying you ruined the great photo by wearing pink then I’d suck up the black dress code. I’m outspoken too but I think there’s times to just keep schtum even when you are very much in the right.

I agree with duckbilledsplatterpuff (I did not think I'd be saying that sentence today), and I'm a millennial who got married last year and didn't have a hen do, and I don't even have Instagram.

I think either - don't go (I'm not convinced she'll be that upset about it after the message about if you can't come to the abroad hen do it's fine. She might prefer a drunk night out without her in laws but is being polite)

Or go, but I think only go if you will go along with what she's asked, wear black and take the photos. Otherwise you risk ruining her night by being awkward and upsetting her. If you're not willing to do that then just don't go.

Lots of comments about the how bride isn't that nice or expecting the couple to get divorced because she likes instagram, but OP's husband also spent £1k on the brothers stag do, so perhaps OP's brother and his wife to be are very similar, and he's quite happy with her.

Youre not "obligated" to do anything

YANBU to use your words and say actually this is out of my budget.

YABU to go and sneer about the whole thing and it being beneath you

I’d also suggest laying the ground work on gender reveals and baby showers by dropping in mention of someone doing them and saying they aren’t your bag or whatever. Then when the time comes you can say it’s not your scene but have a great time and you can’t wait for baby to arrive or something similar.

swewswww

I know this doesn’t help you much but I am sooooo glad when I read threads like this that all our close friends are married. People’s expectations of other people are just crazy.

Don''t go. You've spent a fortune on the other "do". If you feel obligated to go to this next one and cough up another fortune, then I suspect you don't really want to go. I've learned not to go to celebratory stuff I don't really want to go to if I know I'm not going to enjoy it - especially if I have to pay for it :) And I'd hope that my friends and family would accept that from me (and if they didn't - well, I'd be very glad about my opt-out decision) :)

Sorry, didn't read it all properly. The Instagrammage thing would kill it for me straight away. You've done your bit :)

I got as far as '£1,000' and stopped reading for the sake of my blood pressure. Seriously, I miss the days of a night out in town with your mates.

Expecting other people to pay over a grand for their hen (or stag) do is selfish, it feels more like showing off than having fun with your mates. Tragic

Hear hear. The bride is being an entitled Bridezilla of the first water.

It sounds horrific.

Pull out now - tell that you are gutted you cant make it but you have to do something you cant get out of (hospital appt, etc).

You are just going to get more and more annoyed on the build up to it and then be pissed off at her after it.

For any future instagrammable events (baby showers, etc) ALWAYS have a get out clause. "Fantastic, cant wait. I may have to leave early though as I have already got plans later that day....." Then you have your reason to leave and if you are enjoying it can always announce that you have managed to get out of your second event.

Some of the first posters giving you advice are 'easier said than done' types.
In the real world, like you've said, there are consequences to dropping out, particularly if it's a family member rather than a friend - you like this woman and she might be in your life for the rest of it, it's understandable you don't want to have a go.

Plus, as you've said, despite what the MN massive "Hen do's are ridiculous what's wrong with a meal at the local and home by 10pm" say, for lots of women this amount of effort and enforcement IS completely normal, so she probably would be upset and offended if you told her you thought she was being ridiculous.

If you were posting when she'd first asked you to be her bm and were wondering if you could get out of the abroad hen I'd think that was fair enough - £1000 is a lot to spend on something you won't enjoy. But given you've already done the hardest and most expensive part, unless you really really don't want to go to the upcoming home hen and are prepared to fake a last minute illness (and as I'm assuming you've probably paid for most of it already you'd still lose the money) I'd suck it up and think at least that is the last thing - the wedding will be completely different, you'll have your whole family there to chat to not just her mates and after doing your initial walk with her down the aisle can pretty much please yourself and have fun. Be glad this is the only type of hen you'll have to do and your mates are more normal - chalk it up to an experience.

In and of itself I don't think the wear black thing is a huge issue - yes it might be hot in July (but equally in this country might be rainy!) but other than that, of all the things she could have asked you to wear black is probably the easiest to source. Asking everyone to wear a theme is pretty normal for hens - at least it's not something like fancy dress or stupid t shirt or a bright colour you'll have to buy specially and never wear again. Tbh I quite like having the pressure of finding a perfect outfit to be taken away by being told what to wear.

You could try “Thank you for thinking of me but I need to say no to this invitation. If anything changes I’ll let you know.”
From a Jefferson Fisher podcast on boundaries!
You might be surprised at how little she is worried about this answer. Everyone thinks their attendance matters so much more than it actually does…

I got married 22 years ago and I can’t think of anything that would have wrecked the lovely chilled vibe we had on the day more than pressure to make it ‘’grammable’. Makes me feel immensely glad we got married before social media was a thing.

And I wouldn’t have dreamt of expecting family and friends to spend money on the hen do at all, let alone upwards of a grand and two hens. I can’t get over the breathtaking cheek of that. This person really is up herself.

I went to a weekend hen do in uk recently and it cost me £350 😳

to be fair, it was v enjoyable and chilled and no mandated outfits

See, I disagree. I think given OP is a bridesmaid I think there will be raised eyebrows - but OP needn’t worry as she’s already attended abroad hendo so think it’s reasonable not to go to the other one.