DD's friend is therian

[Minieggy]

Sorry, it's long. My DD (9) has a friend who goes to a different school. For a while we have been trying to arrange a play date but there's always an excuse so they haven't seen each other for 4 months. They keep in touch via email.
A couple of weeks ago the friend sent a message saying "I am now therian and so is my friend from school".
My DD told me straight away even before I saw the message for myself and showed me her reply. She basically said that she thought it was silly and that friend was too young and that it didn't sound properly thought through especially if her schoolfriend was also therian.
She didn't get a reply but about a week later my DD sent another email inviting her to a party (didn't give a date) and friend replied, said that being therian was not silly and that she wouldn't be able to come to the party.
My DD has been very tearful and says she wants her friend back but the friend she knew. She's heard from another friend this girl is wearing a mask and tail to school etc. Other friend says school have told them they should be supportive.
I have explained that her reply probably made this girl feel unsupported by my DD but that I was very proud of DD for knowing her own opinion and voicing it so articulately. However, it is unlikely this girl will want to continue the friendship as she will be looking for friends who won't question her.
My DD wants me to message the mum for a playdate but I don't know what to say.
What would you do?

YANBU - Try to steer DD away from the friendship

YABU - Go through the mum to see if anything can be salvaged?

I think it’s a lesson for your DD that calling a friend silly is unlikely to go down well. But equally, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Her friend has grown away from her and towards something you probably don’t want your DD being influenced by. Therian isn’t just dressing up, if that were all it was she’d have said she was a cat/unicorn/otter/duckbilledplatypus/whatever, therian is the marker of a subculture. At 9 she probably the only interested in the dressing up aspect but the subculture encourages people, mainly girls, away from accepting themselves and towards creating an identity based on fantasy. It is hooked into sexual fetish and is populated by a lot of girls with significant mental health conditions that are prone to social contagion (eating disorders, cutting, etc.). You want your dD as far away from that as possible.

It's just kids dressing up and playing, they're only nine for goodness sake.

It's a private school and this is anecdotal from a friend whose son goes there.

I have 9/12 year olds and was going to write something just like this. It’s not an easy friendship to maintain, they both are moving apart anyway and it’s a good time to just take a breath and move on. This trend hasn’t appeared where I live to my knowledge but assuming it’s like any hobby that comes and goes with young children I’d mostly just ignore it.

At that age my daughter had a massive falling out with a friend who told her ballet was silly and the outfits looked stupid. My daughter is ‘super’ into ballet so was super hurt. They stepped away from each other for a bit but are super close again now. If your daughter and this girl were around each other naturally that might happen but as they aren’t it just feels like more effort than it’s worth. I would Set up some fun things with other friends and just let it fade out.

So one nine year old is playing lets pretend, the second nine year old told her the game is silly and first nine year old doesn’t want to be friends any more.

This is the world of nine year olds, let it go.

However why is your DD seeing emails before you if they are “parent supervised”. You need to review external mails before she sees them, not after the (therian) horse has bolted.

Playing dress up is allowed at school now is it?

Your daughter has had a lucky escape from this nonsense. In the 80s and 90s no child behaved like this at any of the three schools I attended. It's absolutely a new thing that came from the internet (not the actual child) and it's absolute balderdash. Shocking that schools and parents support this tosh.

I cannot believe how many posters are saying the DD was rude or tactless or even brutal (!) and should apologise!
She has been honest and not at all rude.
The friend has took offence: okay, they probably would have taken umbrage at anything that wasn't full on validation anyway.
Give your daughter a big hug and say that phrase that the PP said about moving apart.
She doesn't have to be taught to suppress her own nicely phrased age-appropriate opinion, good on her for her honesty, it may even give the friend a moment to consider that what they are doing is a bit silly.

In fairness I saw she had an email from said friend and gave her the tablet to read it. You're right I didn't read it first but I wasn't expecting it to differ from the usual chatter. I'll definitely be more careful in future - though tbh there will be no need for email if the friendship wanes.

I think my DD is hoping that if she sees her in person she will be the same as previously and not identifying as an animal which seems unlikely.

👏🏼😂

She basically said that she thought it was silly and that friend was too young and that it didn't sound properly thought through especially if her schoolfriend was also therian.

A 9 yo said that? Sounds remarkably mature, unless you've embellished what she actually said.

Just leave these people.to it. Back away.

Any kid who has framed dressing up and playing in the language of this nonsense is spending too much time on the internet and is going to be a whirlwind of identity bollocks down the line. Best to back away before your kid gets sucked into the drama vortex.

Yep. Girls are socialised to Be Nice or Be Kind fall the bloody time. Always put others feelings before your own.

Nope saying something is silly because it is silly is, Your daughter sounds great.

people cannot change sex. People cannot change species. School is for learning not this stupid nonsense.

I think people saying it's just dress up don't really understand the concept of therian and yes schools do allow it.
There are 3 children at my daughters school who bring bowls to school and one has a litter tray. It's unbelievable. I can't believe the school support it, its just awful. Two are foxes and one is a cat.
I would be very glad your daughter is away from this influence.

Yep...me to. My 'tail' was made of torn up newspaper as I liked the way it fluttered in the wind as I galloped around

I've paraphrased but those were the points she made.

This is the only correct/sensible response!

I'm curious about what the actual response from your DD was from which you inferred that position.

Was it, 🧐🙄?

Yep totally.

I'd go through the mum to try and help her salvage the relationship, or explain to your daughter that the friendship was lost because her friend didn't feel supported in her choices.

Because this will happen all of her life. Her friends and family will do things she doesn't agree with, and however 'silly' she finds them, when you voice concerns in judgemental, unconstructive ways, you lose friends. I'm not going to start clutching my pearls over therians here because that's neither here nor there. It could be any issue. The lesson your daughter needs to learn is how to tactfully negotiate differences of opinion - and she's only 9, so her response was fair enough, but actions have consequences.

I would steer my child away from this girl but explain to her that the girl will be upset about her comments. The school should know better than allowing attention seeking nonsense like that in school.

Ah well, hopefully she’ll learn to be more tactful or be willing to understand that she’s welcome to bluntly tell someone what she thinks but they’re equally welcome to decide to not share space with her.

Jumped the shark there.

Here's the last time the same old shite was posted. It was only April.

A litter tray? Does it sit in the corner of the classroom? Who cleans it?

My mind is boggling. I have been googling since this came up and I'm shocked by what I'm discovering.

My DD can be tactless but she also knows her own mind and her view of it being "a bit silly" and not thought through was her own.