DD's friend is therian

[Minieggy]

Sorry, it's long. My DD (9) has a friend who goes to a different school. For a while we have been trying to arrange a play date but there's always an excuse so they haven't seen each other for 4 months. They keep in touch via email.
A couple of weeks ago the friend sent a message saying "I am now therian and so is my friend from school".
My DD told me straight away even before I saw the message for myself and showed me her reply. She basically said that she thought it was silly and that friend was too young and that it didn't sound properly thought through especially if her schoolfriend was also therian.
She didn't get a reply but about a week later my DD sent another email inviting her to a party (didn't give a date) and friend replied, said that being therian was not silly and that she wouldn't be able to come to the party.
My DD has been very tearful and says she wants her friend back but the friend she knew. She's heard from another friend this girl is wearing a mask and tail to school etc. Other friend says school have told them they should be supportive.
I have explained that her reply probably made this girl feel unsupported by my DD but that I was very proud of DD for knowing her own opinion and voicing it so articulately. However, it is unlikely this girl will want to continue the friendship as she will be looking for friends who won't question her.
My DD wants me to message the mum for a playdate but I don't know what to say.
What would you do?

YANBU - Try to steer DD away from the friendship

YABU - Go through the mum to see if anything can be salvaged?

Children dressing up and playing pretending games is normal

Children claiming a therian identity is not normal

There's a difference between the two

If the friend's mum is allowing her DD to go to school dressed in a mask and tail and there's talk from school about 'being supportive' then I would definitely allow this friendship to wane.

I'm with you and your daughter OP, t's not an identity crisis, it's a bunch of bizarre nonsense. You can't 'experiment' with being a completely different animal. Humans are animals and they can't change to be a different one. Why school would be indulging this rubbish is beyond me, I guess they had to pretend boys could be girls or neither boys nor girls so it just leads on to more and more ridiculousness like girls must be able to pretend to be ponies.

I really miss the days of goth and emo.

No, OP's daughter was right. It is silly. There’s a difference between imaginative play and insistence that everyone else pretends to believe, all the time, that a child is a fairy or a monster or a cat. Most children understand the difference much younger than 8. After that it’s just a power-play.

If the school are encouraging this nonsense by humouring the child, more fool them. (From your use of "dress-up", I'm hoping you are American, because I’d hate to think British schools collude with and encourage such silliness.)

Oh goodness, I'd put paid to that friendship as you just don't need that kind of influence on your child. Such a pity I know but there can be a lot of friendship changes in young lives and as hard as it can be, it does make one stronger.

Jesus wept

I’d be putting an end to that, certainly wouldn’t be engaging with the no doubt crackpot mother in any way shape or form. Doesn’t sound like much of a friendship anyway.

To the poster's point about dressing up - if that's all it is, why are the school permitting it. Indeed they wouldn't be allowed to go in a Disney Princess dress.

Your take away was that, not that your daughter was rude? Pople are allowed to be silly. 9 year olds are especially alloowed to be silly. making silly decisions is part of growing up. Your daughters silly decision was to bluntly and rudely tell her friend what she thought of her, and now she does not have that friend. Learning point.

My DD is in a club with another girl from the school so it is coming from kids' mouths. There were facts given regarding lunches, clothing and behaviour that would surprise me if true but suggest the school is condoning everything including drinking milk from a cat's bowl.

This is fantasy gone wrong. Fine for playtime, but no one should be supporting a child in identifying as someone they are not the rest of the time. Your daughter seems wiser than you on this. You need to support your daughter, tell her it is probably a phase and to lie low until the girl grows out of it.

Utterly batshit if the school is allowing this!

Stay well clear of that friend and her poor parents who now have this craziness to deal with. The therian friend needs validation to continue this daftness and fair play to your daughter to see the emperors no clothes. Don't encourage this as your DD will take that as your approval and come home as a cat

Yes, learning point that some "friends" are best avoided if they insist on being so silly and want to force everyone else to collude with them.

Bravo OP's daughter!

This.

Adopting it as some kind of identity crosses a line from dressing up and it's wild any school would treat this any differently to wanting to wear any other dress up.

The fact that some do shows this is insidious

I would be taking this with a MASSIVE grain of salt until I’d heard it from a grown up or the school and not a bunch of children. Kids saying that other kids are drinking milk from a cats bowl in school sounds like made up bobbins to me.

Being a therian isn't dressing up. It is identifying as an animal. Kids who put on Anna from Frozen's outfit aren't doing the same thing.

Lowering the stupidity of a 9 year old saying they are a therian to "its just dressing up" is not addressing the problem of how nuts this is.

@Minieggy You and and DD have dodged a bullet if this girl is being allowed to think this is acceptable.

I don't agree she was rude. She was direct but the rudest thing she said was "I think it's a bit silly". I think we pander too much to what should be treated as child's play. I'd rather raise a child who is confident to be honest and not follow the herd. Doing so with tact and diplomacy is something I can teach her but she was far from rude.

People are allowed to be silly and other people are perfectly entitled to say what they think about it !

Why would you make a 9 year old feel guilty for saying she thinks something is silly? It IS silly! If the friend is that sensitive about 'a bit of fun' dressing up it smacks to me of being an issue which needs addressing with the friend not OPs DD. All this be kind bollocks means pandering to some really daft crap in my opinion.

Once again if you're happy with your daft crap then get on with it but don't expect everyone to pretend to think something they don't. Learning point: grow a thicker skin and own your own decisions.

It’s crazy that just because it has a label then it’s allowed in school. If they allow this, then allow anyone to come in how they want. Spiderman, Ronaldo or Disney Princess.

It's a good life lesson for both of them - being blunt, or trying to get people to play along with your nonsense and be all serious about it - are both likely to lose you friends.

It's a shame, but honestly, it sounds like a load of drama keeping the friendship going - especially as it doesn't sound like either family really has the time.

I'd phrase it to your daughter something like "Sometimes people do change, and you can't always keep a friendship for ever, as people's interests change or you don't have time to see them. It doesn't mean the time you had together wasn't special. And it doesn't mean your paths won't cross again in the future, so try not to be too upset. It can open up a space in your life, for a new friend". Play it down.

A primary school with blazers? And no summer uniform? Never heard of that before.

I think it was the best possible response from your daughter and she should be commended for telling a peer that the idea a person can identify as an animal is silly.

It is silly, but more than that there's an ageda behind it that comes from vile adults. And it's leading to a bizzare social contagion that's doing the rounds amound very young kids. My teen DD was telling me about a gang of therian year 7s at her school. They whip out the masks and tails at lunch time and crawl about on hands and knees. School sent an email round about uniform policy. There was a pride festival in school time (organised by adults with adults speaking and running stalls) where this therian crap was being pushed. Don't allow your naivety to brush this off as children playing pretend dressing up games. If the word therian is used, it's different. Odd people are sexualising our children. It's vile and if we need to be rude to call it out, that's fine.

Steer your dd away from the friendship.

It's not necessarily the silly make belief that this child is indulging in that is the issue.

The problem is that it indicates she has parents who don't supervise her Internet access. They don't actually care to look into what their daughter is doing, they certainly wouldn't be happy about her using that phrasing for an innocent childhood act if they knew anything about the adult 'therian' community, who do groom children online. If their boundaries are this neglectful loose for online stuff, they probably will be around drugs, sex and drinking too.

This will end up fucking this poor child up, and leaving them vulnerable to abuse and mental health issues.

You don't want your daughter around that.

Be proud of your daughter, she is right, and I would be encouraging her to invite other friend around.

Thank you for this - sounds lime a great approach to take.

Ooh god - so bloody tricky. I had to google what it actually was 😊
thinking about it - really your DD has nothing to lose by trying to have another meeting/ play date . I would try and salvage something for her. It may teach your DD how to be honest and tactful which is a good skill to have. If it doesn’t work out - at least she’s tried and will just be in the situation she’s in now - no access to her friend.
She may find if she is able to meet up that they have less in common and the friendship loses its lustre and she can move on more easily.

Hope she’s ok and it works out for the best.

This. You put it much more directly than I did. Spot on