DD's friend is therian

[Minieggy]

Sorry, it's long. My DD (9) has a friend who goes to a different school. For a while we have been trying to arrange a play date but there's always an excuse so they haven't seen each other for 4 months. They keep in touch via email.
A couple of weeks ago the friend sent a message saying "I am now therian and so is my friend from school".
My DD told me straight away even before I saw the message for myself and showed me her reply. She basically said that she thought it was silly and that friend was too young and that it didn't sound properly thought through especially if her schoolfriend was also therian.
She didn't get a reply but about a week later my DD sent another email inviting her to a party (didn't give a date) and friend replied, said that being therian was not silly and that she wouldn't be able to come to the party.
My DD has been very tearful and says she wants her friend back but the friend she knew. She's heard from another friend this girl is wearing a mask and tail to school etc. Other friend says school have told them they should be supportive.
I have explained that her reply probably made this girl feel unsupported by my DD but that I was very proud of DD for knowing her own opinion and voicing it so articulately. However, it is unlikely this girl will want to continue the friendship as she will be looking for friends who won't question her.
My DD wants me to message the mum for a playdate but I don't know what to say.
What would you do?

YANBU - Try to steer DD away from the friendship

YABU - Go through the mum to see if anything can be salvaged?

Apologies I'm not sure why the formatting is so odd.

The kids playing dress up, enjoying it, (that's all "therian" really means when we're not pearl clutching about it, dress up taken way too seriously by the kids, because that's what kids do with play and imagination ) and your daughter told her it was silly. Of course the friend doesnt want to see your daughter anymore. Your daughter was rude, no idea why you're praising her for it...?

Do they both have mobiles at 9? Smart phones accessing the Internet?
I'd be making sure knew what was on the search history.
This 'therian' thing smacks of the biggest scream for attention you can get, I'd just ignore.

Y’know, when I was a kid I used to pretend to be a horse at playtime.

Nowadays I’d probably be in a clinic having a tail grafted on.

I’d steer your DD away from being friends with such a manipulative child. If not, give it a month and your child will be asking for a set of bloody ears or whatever.

Therian my arse.

It's a load of nonsense.
Your daughter was absolutely right.

@Agix do you think a child should be allowed to attend school dressed as Fireman Sam, and if there is an incident, don't bother with 999, send them in to deal with it?

I think you just have to leave it. Your DD could apologise for calling her friend silly - her friend is entitled to experiment, your DD is entitled to voice her opinion but she has to understand there are repercussions from doing so which in this case is losing her friend, I’d talk to her about moving on, am not surprised friend doesn’t want to come to the party under the circumstances.

I'd be relieved & I wouldn't be contacting the mum. Social contagion is real & you've just dodged a bullet.

9 is very young to be able to receive and send messages.

Your daughter has learned that if you tell someone they are ‘silly’ they won’t want to be friends.

I would remove the phone and tell
her to apologise to the girl for what she said but move on to other friendships.

Yup

To be honest, this is just a phase and the friend will find something else to be into in time, like all kids of that age do.

I think your DD was a little unkind saying she thought it was silly. I mean if she does that's obviously fine, but you can't say things like that to people without consequences, and the consequence for her is that she's upset her friend (regardless of her own thoughts on it) and she's possibly lost that friendship.

I think it's an important lesson for your daughter on how to navigate situations with friends where they might not have the same views, but if you value the friendship, you need to find a way of getting through that without ridiculing the other person.

(Disclaimer, I also think that deciding to become a therian is strange and if it was an adult, I would most definitely roll my eyes, but for a 9 year old, she will grow out of it and i'd probably ignore rather than engage).

You don't need to do anything. It's not that deep.

She basically said that she thought it was silly and that friend was too young and that it didn't sound properly thought through especially if her schoolfriend was also therian

So she basically shared your opinion with her friend, in a very untactful way, and now her friend doesn’t want to be her friend any more. Can’t really blame her.

I probably would have expressed a similar opinion to my DD about one of her friends identity crisis, but with a clear message that, if she’s her friend, she supports her where she can and kindly backs away where she can’t. The girl is 9, she won’t be wearing a mask and tail to university.

I can't speak for the other girl but my dd has a parent supervised gmail on her tablet. Google search is disabled. She only has that because this girl wanted a way to communicate with my dd who doesn't have a phone and won't until secondary school. This girl is the only person who has that email apart from me.

It's a good learning experience. You can upset people with unsolicited opinions.

A nine year old likes playing dress up? Shocker.

My DD likes to wear a tail and ears and pretend shes a red panda, shes playing. It’s what kids do. She hasn’t given it this ‘therian’ label because she doesn’t have access to that sort of thing on the internet, that’s the concerning thing here not a kid playing.

She told her friend she was silly, the friend took offence, your DD either apologises or doesn’t.

So if your DD has supervised internet access, how does she know what a therian is to know that it’s silly?

It's a good opportunity to teach your dc that it's sometimes better to say nothing and to keep your thoughts to yourself... and that you can't just say what you like to people and then expect friendships to carry on as if nothing has happened.

The therian stuff is probably just a stupid phase that the other kid is going through and hopefully she will grow out of it soon enough, but I would be inclined to let the friendship take its natural course.

Sorry but you daughter needs to understand that you don't just get to rubbish your "friends" and expect them to remain your friend. Dressing up as an animal might be "silly". So is dressing up as Anna from Frozen. But kids dress up. Your daughter was quite rude. She can't expect there to be no consequences.

The friend has been watching YouTube I imagine, it’s rife as a trend now amongst pre pubescent girls in particular for some reason. Our own experience is they tend to grow out of the therian phase after a year or two, although some girls continue for longer during their teens. At secondary school they tend to get teased or called weird or a furry, that often puts them off and many do just grow out of it eventually.

Are you in the UK op? I’m surprised that any school is allowing masks and tails etc to be worn

You don’t need to do anything. No play date had happened for four months anyway, before the therian exchange, so I’d imagine the friendship was waning anyway.

I agree with this and to be clear therian wasn't even in my vocabulary until this incident so my dd wasn't parroting my opinion. She replied before she showed me the message.
I am shocked the mask and tail is permitted by a school that doesn't even allow children to wear shorts or remove blazers in this heat.

To the poster's point about dressing up - if that's all it is, why are the school permitting it. Indeed they wouldn't be allowed to go in a Disney Princess dress.

Because friend included a helpful albeit biased explanation.

Do you know the school is permitting it? Or are you taking the words of 9 year olds as gospel? She could be wearing it on the way to and from.

They haven't seen each other for 4 months and now it looks like they have less in common.

Isn't this just a lesson for your DD about how friendships come and go? I'd let this one just die a natural death.