To feel annoyed by having given this particular person charity money

[WhatABigYikes]

Bear with me while I explain the background. We are Muslim which means it is mandatory for us to donate 2% of the value of our total savings to charity every year. IF anyone expresses they are accepting charity money because their own situation is so bad then it is permissable to give that charity money to that person. In my experience that is usually a poor family where my parents come from in India - something would have happened to impact their livelihood and they'd be struggling to buy food and medicines. Recently a family member of DH's (in the UK) expressed that they are classing themselves as requiring charity money - I suppose if it helps to draw a comparison, it could be a bit like if a person has started to use food banks for example ie. they are that level of being in need of some support. This is because in the last couple of years this person has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and hasn't been able to work for at least the past 6 months. He was the breadwinner and his wife is a SAHM to two teenage school age children.

So, DH gave his charity money (£5k) to this person about 3 months ago. Of all the things, I've stumbled across this person's social media earlier today (his wife is maybe an influencer it seems with 50k followers and it popped up on my "people you may know" - we are not particularly close to them at all and only really see them at family weddings).

I have seen they've just been on holiday at an island location (where return tickets from the UK are £700+) with their two children.

AIBU to feel like we've sort of been conned for the money? I mean we certainly couldn't afford a trip for a family of four to a place like that right now...

Wanted to edit to add but have missed the opportunity... If eagle eyed people work out what our savings are and then say something like how we could afford to go away.

Our savings are everything including the value of any jewellery. It also includes money put aside for future DC and a deposit towards a house so it is earmarked for important things and isn't money we can just use. And obviously when we do find the right house (in the right catchment area for schools etc) our savings pot will be close to £0.

Surely it's up to you to do some due diligence as to who you donate to. YABU.

But obviously they have a reasonable expectation that people will act in good faith (literally) and not ask for money if they don't need it.
I think it's wonderful to be so generous but I would also feel aggrieved in your situation OP.

Don’t say you can’t afford a trip. You could afford a trip, because you have 250k in savings.

edited to add that I’ve just seen the comment about the money being for a house etc but that I still stand by you being able to afford a holiday. Just sell a piece of jewellery instead of randomly keeping it

We knew they were unwell and have been given maybe a few years to live. They've been struggling to pay bills etc as the person doesn't work. They are historically not very well off - they are in their late 40s and were able to afford their first home (£190,000) in 2021 after having lived in council housing their entire lives.

I refer back to my original post 😑 Although from that update they sound "worthy", so you don't sound very charitable. Also hypocritical if you're putting cavets on what you deem acceptable.

The jewellery is inherited and sentimental. And so we wouldn't sell it for a holiday. We might consider selling it if for example we couldn't afford something important like a mortgage payment or if we lost our jobs. We can easily afford a cheaper holiday and I very specifically said we couldn't afford a trip for a family of four to the type of destination they're at. And that's true. We couldn't justify spending nearly £4k on flights while we have big expenses ahead of us.

I would expect very few people to act in good faith when money is involved, sadly.

Maybe they're going all out for this holiday if they're going to die soon. I'd do the same.

Chalk it down to experience and move on.

I would want someone with a life limiting illness to have a lovely holiday with their family.

I get what you're saying and it's a kind thing to do, but maybe give them the benefit of the doubt, and just choose to donate differently next time. I wouldn't sweat it anymore now the deed is done.

You’re entitled to your feelings OP! It doesn’t sound like they’ve received the money in good faith. I guess a reframe is that you (and possibly others?) have given this family the opportunity of a lifetime to go on a big holiday together before the illness gets too bad to do much together.

If you aren’t close and only see them at weddings how do you know so much about them? I couldn’t tell you how much family members homes cost. So the person has a life limiting illness, had no income for the last six months and has a family to support? When you give to charity you have no authority on how that money is spent. It sounds like they’ve had a hard time and are going away as a treat. How they spent the money is up to them, like you said you aren’t close so you don’t really know how much they actually paid. If you’re going to complain about how people spend the money given to them then don’t give it.

I'd be assuming this really defeats the purpose of why it's part of the religion if you're going to put judgement on it. It's done now anyway, so best to forget it. Next time donate to something like a homeless shelter or a food bank

I am not a Muslim and don’t pretend to understand your giving culture, but I would say from my Christian experience of giving, that a gift with strings attached is not a free gift. We give in gratitude to God for all he has given to us, and our giving is a response to God’s generosity. Whether the recipient of our gift uses it wisely or not doesn’t change the value of our generosity, which I think is the point.

If he's dying, then maybe they decided to do one last big family holiday?

I'm not a Muslim either, but I suspect it is exactly the same! Although I also suspect it's not about being generous, but helping those less fortunate than yourself. Sorry OP but I think you have completely missed the point.

People with life limiting conditions can and should have some pleasure too, especially when they get an unexpected windfall. It sounds like a nice way to use the money as a family to do something memorable together. If you wanted it to only be used for the basics, I think that’s limiting their life even more. Try to be happy that that your donation has given them a special experience and in future give to something that meets your criteria for how you want the money to be spent, although that feels less in the spirit of charitable giving and even official charities can fritter funds in ways that might not give us a magnanimous glow.

Isn't it possible that someone has gifted them a holiday if one of them has a life limiting condition? I wouldn't be begrudging them having a last holiday together, your DH chose to help and that help should surely be freely given without judging what their needs are. If you are feeling resentful, perhaps you should reflect on how fortunate you are in comparison. It sounds like they are going through a difficult time.

Why is it mandatory? Why not save for the benefit of your own kids, rather than disadvantage them?

I think it's a good thing, and they're only asked to do it if they can afford to do so. Many religions ask this, although I do agree funding a holiday isn't first on my list of charitable things

You chose to give £5k to a family who will be in receipt of benefits and who can afford for the mum to be a sahm despite her dcs being teenage. What on earth for?

As pp said, do your due diligence. Centrepoint comes to mind. They help teens who are sleeping in doorways. That's poor.

I think a last holiday with teen kids for someone with a terminal illness is a very worthy way to spend money.

You believe in a God who tells you to give away 2% of your “wealth” (jewellery value or whatever) to someone less fortunate than you.

Someone with a terminal illness fits that criteria.

Don’t worry about what the money was spent on, you did what you believed to be the right thing and surely you let God do the judging?

Don't give what you can't reasonably afford to lose.

In this case, you'd give anyway, but if there are doubts about an individual and how wisely they'd use the money, you'd be better giving to official (audited) charities or give a smaller proportion of your Zakat to that particular cause.

All you can do is learn for the future and console yourself that someone in hard times has had a temporary positive in their life.

If she's an influencer maybe it was free or discounted in return for photos on her page. The money's gone, her husband is really ill and hopefully they had a much needed break. Don't spoil the gesture by going on about it. And yes, if you need a holiday have one.