To feel annoyed by having given this particular person charity money

[WhatABigYikes]

Bear with me while I explain the background. We are Muslim which means it is mandatory for us to donate 2% of the value of our total savings to charity every year. IF anyone expresses they are accepting charity money because their own situation is so bad then it is permissable to give that charity money to that person. In my experience that is usually a poor family where my parents come from in India - something would have happened to impact their livelihood and they'd be struggling to buy food and medicines. Recently a family member of DH's (in the UK) expressed that they are classing themselves as requiring charity money - I suppose if it helps to draw a comparison, it could be a bit like if a person has started to use food banks for example ie. they are that level of being in need of some support. This is because in the last couple of years this person has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and hasn't been able to work for at least the past 6 months. He was the breadwinner and his wife is a SAHM to two teenage school age children.

So, DH gave his charity money (£5k) to this person about 3 months ago. Of all the things, I've stumbled across this person's social media earlier today (his wife is maybe an influencer it seems with 50k followers and it popped up on my "people you may know" - we are not particularly close to them at all and only really see them at family weddings).

I have seen they've just been on holiday at an island location (where return tickets from the UK are £700+) with their two children.

AIBU to feel like we've sort of been conned for the money? I mean we certainly couldn't afford a trip for a family of four to a place like that right now...

@WhatABigYikes Well, you haven't been conned out of the money OP. If anyone has your husband has, as you wrote "So, DH gave his charity money (£5k) to this person about 3 months ago."
However, a general rule that everyone should remember when giving someone a gift of money is that it's just that: a gift. And a gift is only a gift if it has no strings attached, so your DH doesn't have the right to comment on or disapprove of what they spend that gift on - and you certainly don't as it wasn't you that gifted the money.
Maybe you and your DH should agree that in future you will give your 2% of earnings to registered charities, rather than individual people, so that you don't risk feeling this sense of resentment again, as I would have thought your faith requires you to give this money freely with a sense of giving and charity.

God, the ignorance on this thread.

Zakat is the act of donating 2.5% of your wealth every year to help the poor and needy. The wealthier you are, the more you give, but it’s always just 2.5% so it’s proportionate.

It’s not a case of giving it “to a religion” — it’s a way of helping others in a manageable way. If everyone paid zakat, we’d all be a lot better off.

It's not an opinion when you're telling lies, is it?

Maybe this thread isn't for you if you can't deal with facts.

Most religions are male dominated and then run by the elders/people at the top, my best friend got brainwashed into the johovas and we all went camping and she said we had to pay for them and their camping fees as they had no money and thats how its done and we said no we are not in this cult you are

Exactly!

But apparently this thread isn't for us because we're correcting inaccuracies!

Im not ignorant ive seen it first hand, you need to google where the money goes...i think screaming at someone online as you are shows your ignorance not mine

I think it's fair enough to get annoyed when non-Muslims (as am I) make proclamations and bold assumptions without even trying to understand the circumstances of this faith-based duty.

It does seem a little like men coming on to a thread about painful periods or childbirth and telling the OP about how she is clearly misguided about her own experiences.

If someone is saying you have to donate money that is control just because you believe its ok doesnt make it true...giving of your own free will and having to do it are 2 different things....and again you attacking others shows your ignorance

What if 3 months ago that was the case (that the family were experiencing severe financial hardship)? After all, they had been in public housing and just managed to get their own house (probably with a minimal deposit) relatively recently. The only earner in the family had been unable to work due to a terminal illness. The other family members may have had difficulty getting work due to age, time out of the workforce, caregiving requirement for ill family member etc. It is entirely possible they were in a very bad position financially when the OPs husband donated the money. We do not know. It is possible that other people have provided financial help in recent months given the tragic situation they face, so even if they are not in a perilous situation now, 3 months ago they might have been. Eg if you donated to a pauper but then 3 months later they win the lottery, is your donation no longer counted?

@nomas Telling lies? It’s my opinion, I can think what I like. I think it’s rather idiotic and sanctimonious to try and police someone’s opinion when they say they wouldn’t be in any religion or cult where they forced to give money. Is that lying? Yup very sensitive. Suggest you hop off.

I think the problem is the money is now gone.

So you can't do anything about it.

But I agree with you I would also feel like I had given the money to the wrong cause.

All you can do now is be more careful where the money is given next year.

It's an integral part of their faith. If Muslims don't want to follow any of the basic tenets of Islam, nobody is forcing them to continue being Muslim (in the UK, at least).

It reminds me of when the Bishop of Durham famously said that he didn't believe in the resurrection of Jesus. Nobody at all is saying that anybody must adhere to that belief, but if you don't, then becoming a high up leader of a church in which it is an essential part of the creed is probably not the best choice for you.

Then don’t come on a public forum then if you can’t handle other people having an opinion. All threads are about opinions and people making assumptions, why shouldnt this one be any different?

It sounds like you have attempted to fulfill zakat obligations, if the recipient has represented themselves as in dire financial need and is instead spending your money on an extravagance then of course it’s normal to feel aggrieved.

But you must let this go, as by building resentment you will diminish your own charitable actions.

Inshallah you’ll find peace on this one.

It's interesting to learn about Zakat and seems like a worthwhile thing to do to ensure the redistribution of some wealth within a society. I've done some reading on it and understand why and to whom it is given, but what is the penalty (if there is any) for someone who receives Zakat when they don't fit one of the eight categories of prescribed recipients? OP's DH plainly gave the money to this other man genuinely believing him to be "poor or needy", but would using the money for a holiday by someone claiming to be poor or needy be frowned upon by Islam? Would the recipient be punished for using the money for this purpose?

I'm a staunch supporter of people being allowed to (respectfully) give their opinions on an open forum.

It's just that, as I understood it, this was a case of people misrepresenting what Muslims believe and then telling them that they were wrong to believe what they don't believe in the first place!

Not punished by the law or society.

The bloke's got a few years to live for goodness sake.

This could be his very last family holiday.

Can't believe how many people are judging them.

@WhatABigYikes My take on this would be, you have 'done your duty' to your god by giving your charitable money. What the receiver does with it is between them, their conscience, and their god. I can see why the social media stuff may irk you a little, but let it go knowing that you have done what is right.

Has it actually been established that somebody else didn't give the family the holiday - or the money for it with that express purpose?

If somebody had separately paid for a special holiday for an otherwise poor family whom they considered very deserving of that holiday - and who won't be any better off financially after the holiday - would that nullify the Zakat from Muslims who gave that money for sound charitable purposes such as the family buying food and meeting their essential bills?

I didn’t see any comments that were telling Muslims they are wrong to believe what they believe in. I did see the comment about not wanting to be in any religion if they had to give money, so that’s all religion not just Islam. My comment, was about giving money so God rewards you, which is a genuine question. I don’t see anything wrong with asking questions around faith. I certainly wouldn’t be so defensive or judgemental if people asked about mine. I would be happy to share, which some people on this list have done. But to insult people over having an opinions is rather ignorant.

OP I sympathise. I was in a similar situation recently in that I gave money to someone who I felt was in serious need of it for a purpose I agreed was important. Again it was part of my 'charitable giving' fund that I expect to distribute, based on my income. Well, in the end it turned out they frittered it away on nonsense and it did not go towards the purpose they claimed they wanted it for.

I should add though that in the case of your beneficiary, a family holiday for an ill person sounds as if it could be an OK cause.

Like you I was initially pissed off but squared it with myself by thinking that what's important in the eyes of God and the universe is that you give the money in good faith, and that is what matters from the point of view of good karma and benefiting the growth of one's heart. After we give the money, what happens to it is out of our control and is between the beneficiary and God/the universe. If they use it badly, it's on them.

I should add though that I won't be giving to that person again, in spite of the fact that they now have the begging bowl out again and are targeting others I know! 😉 I'd rather give it to a charity that has some accountability and professional standards.

Thanks. And I've now seen a post from someone else earlier this morning explaining the difference between Zakat and Sadaqah. So it seems that OP's DH's duty of Zakat has not been fulfilled, but his voluntary charitable giving of Sadaqah has been. So, unfortunately, as aggrieved as OP feels about this, she's just going to have to live with it.

I'd say a few years left of life deserves an amazing family holiday, making memories etc. I understand your frustration about feeling duped, but once you've donated, it's no longer your business about how it is spent.

Most people with a terminal illness do "make a wish" and often go on a very luxurious/dream holiday. I'd feel pleasure in being able to provide that for them. You did a good thing and I'm sure the family will remember it. As long as you trust their illness is real.

I have voted for you being unreasonable, as you freely chose to give the money to that person and you can’t control what they choose to spend it on.

You may think it’s out of the question to go on an expensive holiday using house deposit or jewellery money but some people have few such scruples.

I guess this is a lesson to be more careful who you give money to in future.