To feel annoyed by having given this particular person charity money

[WhatABigYikes]

Bear with me while I explain the background. We are Muslim which means it is mandatory for us to donate 2% of the value of our total savings to charity every year. IF anyone expresses they are accepting charity money because their own situation is so bad then it is permissable to give that charity money to that person. In my experience that is usually a poor family where my parents come from in India - something would have happened to impact their livelihood and they'd be struggling to buy food and medicines. Recently a family member of DH's (in the UK) expressed that they are classing themselves as requiring charity money - I suppose if it helps to draw a comparison, it could be a bit like if a person has started to use food banks for example ie. they are that level of being in need of some support. This is because in the last couple of years this person has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and hasn't been able to work for at least the past 6 months. He was the breadwinner and his wife is a SAHM to two teenage school age children.

So, DH gave his charity money (£5k) to this person about 3 months ago. Of all the things, I've stumbled across this person's social media earlier today (his wife is maybe an influencer it seems with 50k followers and it popped up on my "people you may know" - we are not particularly close to them at all and only really see them at family weddings).

I have seen they've just been on holiday at an island location (where return tickets from the UK are £700+) with their two children.

AIBU to feel like we've sort of been conned for the money? I mean we certainly couldn't afford a trip for a family of four to a place like that right now...

The wife and my MIL are very very close (they speak maybe daily?) my MIL often will relay information/what's happening with her family to DH. And will ask DH if he can help if she thinks someone needs help (not always financial, but maybe an elderly relative needs a builder to be organised for them or something etc).

Thank you everyone for your replies. And for helping me reframe this. I appreciate the perspective and those saying I shouldn't judge are 100% right that I'm missing the point.

I am sorry and can understand how you feel, most of us would feel the same. However there's nothing you can do about it, it's over. What you gave was done in good faith, you were not an idiot to do it.

I know how something like this can 'bug you for ages but please now try to put it behind you, feeling aggrieved is not doing you any good.

Move on and enjoy your life. I wish you every success, you sound great.

No, most people would not begrudge a dying man spending money on a last holiday. You don’t speak for all of us.

Yeah that’s rubbish. During Covid we gave a friend £500 as she ‘was struggling’. The next thing I know she’s off on a holiday in an expensive shepherds hut! I won’t make that mistake again.

I voted yanbu but then I read the update that they have only a few years to live. Maybe it was a bucket list activity for them to do whilst they are still physically able

They didn't say they couldn't afford a holiday. They said they couldn't afford that particular holiday.

This. What does your religion say about people who deceive ti get money from others?

Well you know for next time not to give your annual charitable donation to an individual. Give it to a local dog shelter instead.

Give to an official charity in future. However, if he is terminally ill you are being v unreasonable 🙁

I think the money has been used wisely TBH. What better use for a person terminally ill? Friends of ours do similar, and tithe 10 per cent of their income to charity here .The point is you are gifting money ,then when you have given it it is no longer yours as such.I make donations to Unicef and others .A young boy was shot at the food point in Gaza .I was upset that "my"money had been wasted as such .But it was given in good faith as yours was

I disagree that that is a reasonable expectation. There are scammers all over the place.

I don’t know if you’re joking are not? 🤣

@WhatABigYikes yes, I think you’ve been conned but as we know it’s something you have to accept and leave to God to deal with. You can be angry and disappointed but you have to get over it, which i know is much easier said than done - it’s one of those things where I believe you’ll be rewarded for your grace in this situation and the holiday makers will have to answer for.

Sounds like you just want to have a dig.

Clearly the point is the OP would like the money to go to somebody in need rather than than somebody who uses it to go on holiday.

Not really the point though is it ?

I understand where you are coming from OP. My sister once was pleading poverty and I lent her a sum of money to help with food,bills etc and she blew it on frivolities. I know it was her choice to spend it as she saw fit but it did stick in my craw a bit especially the way she had gone on and I stretched myself financially to give her the money.

It’s really kind you give 2% of your money away to others, but yes that would annoy me seems like they took advantage of your faith and kindness

There exist charities for the specific purpose of sending people with terminal and life-limiting illnesses on luxurious family holidays. They don't just look at what is purely essential and buy them a box of cleaning equipment or vegetables.

I think that, although you seem to think that you aren't well-off, it's coming from a place of privilege - as a great many families up and down the country (even more so in many other countries) wouldn't be able to dream of having that money in jewellery, available for a house purchase and savings for the children etc. They're already at zero before they could hope to buy a house. Just because you have (wise) plans for the money, you still have that money at your disposal.

You could easily afford a luxury family holiday if you wanted to; you've just decided that it's not a priority for you. I would agree, and would put housing above a holiday too (unless having a very limited amount of time left to live) - but just having all of those options available to you means you are indeed well-off.

That isn't really the point though, is it? The point is that they were tricked into giving money to someone who seems not to really need it. They might have felt better giving that to people who really could have used it.

op, perhaps in the future you should give the money to an official charity. That way when people come asking you can tell them that you only give to charities these days.

It may not have been how you would choose to have donated the money if you had known they would spend it on a holiday. But either way you were not keeping the money, and perhaps you can find some comfort in knowing that the children who are going through a terrible experience of preparing for their father to die of a terminal illness will get a special family time together as a family. It's also possible other people have contributed (I know families in this situation that the community has rallied around), so perhaps your donation went towards the mortgage and bills and someone else kindly provided a holiday. Please don't make nasty comments on social media as some have suggested, it would be needlessly cruel to a family going through a very traumatic situation, and would not reflect well on you.

YANBU OP, your DH needs to have a word and say that zakat money is for the poor and needy, not to go on holiday with.

They have behaved extremely badly.

Zakat money is for a particular purpose, to feed the poor and hungry, not to go on holiday with.

In no way is OP hypocritical or uncharitable.

@StillSmallVoice your post is lovely and so meaningful. I was raised in a Muslim household and when I think about it, I align any charitable giving that I do with how you put it

That's really bad, yes you were conned. Just forget about it and pick a poor family from a poor country next time. My siblings are disabled and on benefits and cry poverty for handouts. I recently discovered they both had a safe to hide their money. They both have over 50 000 in hidden savings! All while asking for money! I wish I was joking!

It is a mistake to include the fluctuating nominal monetary value of sentimental inherited keepsakes. They are quite different from stores of value that you build up because their monetary value is worth something to you in the future.