To feel annoyed by having given this particular person charity money

[WhatABigYikes]

Bear with me while I explain the background. We are Muslim which means it is mandatory for us to donate 2% of the value of our total savings to charity every year. IF anyone expresses they are accepting charity money because their own situation is so bad then it is permissable to give that charity money to that person. In my experience that is usually a poor family where my parents come from in India - something would have happened to impact their livelihood and they'd be struggling to buy food and medicines. Recently a family member of DH's (in the UK) expressed that they are classing themselves as requiring charity money - I suppose if it helps to draw a comparison, it could be a bit like if a person has started to use food banks for example ie. they are that level of being in need of some support. This is because in the last couple of years this person has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and hasn't been able to work for at least the past 6 months. He was the breadwinner and his wife is a SAHM to two teenage school age children.

So, DH gave his charity money (£5k) to this person about 3 months ago. Of all the things, I've stumbled across this person's social media earlier today (his wife is maybe an influencer it seems with 50k followers and it popped up on my "people you may know" - we are not particularly close to them at all and only really see them at family weddings).

I have seen they've just been on holiday at an island location (where return tickets from the UK are £700+) with their two children.

AIBU to feel like we've sort of been conned for the money? I mean we certainly couldn't afford a trip for a family of four to a place like that right now...

I guess lesson learned: You will only give to actual charities moving forwards. You tried to do a good thing, but feel like it's backfired on you. So the only answer is to just give to formal charities. That way you still get the reward of giving, but without the emotional baggage.

It might be worth having a few charities ear-marked for the next couple of years. So if you're asked, "Oh sorry, we've already agreed to give it XYZ charity."

Dont know if this has been answered but to the nonsense comment about 'strings attached':
There are various forms of charity in islam. The one being referred to is a specific duty and the people you give it to have to meet a VERY strict criteria. If they do not it is still seen as charity but a different form. Sadaqah instead of Zakat. Zakat is mandatory and an annual duty. Sadaqah can be any amount and to anyone in need. God rewards those who give Sadaqah. Zakat is a different charity format. It is a duty and has to be given to those in extreme poverty only. We are talking about those are struggling to eat and clothes themselves.

The 5k would now be classed as Sadaqah and heavily rewarded. However the duty of Zakat remains unfufilled

So if you're asked, "Oh sorry, we've already agreed to give it XYZ charity

If I recall correctly one of the guidelines regarding giving Zakat is that you start with those nearest to you and work outwards till you find people to help.

In normal circumstances if I’d of given 5k to someone who needs the money I’d be pretty pissed if they spent it on a holiday rather than using it for bills, food etc. However someone with a life limiting illness may never get the chance to take a holiday with their family again so I wouldn’t begrudge the family making memories.

I wouldnt belong to any religion or cult that asked for money..end of..full stop

You have fulfilled your religious obligations and done a very generous thing op. Lots of people are not generous and don't fulfil their religious obligations so well done you. Don't spoil it now by letting intrusive thoughts in about whether they were the most worth recipients for your generosity or not. I did think at first yanbu but then read that these people are dealing with life limiting illness. When you have a young family and you may not live to see them grow up, often your financial priorities change. You want to leave special memories together behind. As othera have said, reframe this as you giving a life limited person special opportunities that, without your generosity they wouldn't have had. If you feel they haven't been totally honest about their own financial position, well you can do nothing about other people's idea of integrity so let it go. I wish you peace 💐

I think you did a kind thing. That you are frustrated the situation because it isn't what you'd see as 'in need' is frustrating, I agree. But ultimately it doesn't matter.

I know you wouldn't change your £5K for a life-limiting or terminal condition, so whatever they spent it on, if it gave them comfort you have done a charitable act.

I think it is the nicest aspect of Islam, the charitable giving. When our local food bank did collections at supermarkets, the most generous donations were alsway from Muslim families following the Zakat tenet.

Came here to say this. I think it’s one of those times where you feel grateful for what you have and do your best to let go of resentment- if this person is likely to die in the next couple of years then you are very fortunate in comparison. Maybe it would help to think that your donation gave them the chance to experience this wonderful trip, with their family, and make some very important memories with/for their kids.

And to only give it because God will reward you… surely charity shouldn’t have t&cs? I know something similar happens in Hillsong, they have to give a certain amount each month.

He's a dying man that's gone on a lovely holiday with his wife and teenage kids.

I'd be absolutely happy to give them my charity money but each to their own.

YANBU, very annoying and upsetting. However you’ll just have to let it go. You have done a good turn and how they spend the money is up too them . It is awful if they have taken advantage of your good will. That is something they have to wrestle with on their conscience.

Jehovah witness's are the same, the more you give the more you will be saved on judgement day, only the good are saved, i remember as a girl guide going to church and the purse coming round asking for money, even as a child i knew that wasnt ok...asking children for money! And where does it go....

You seem very invested in their lives @WhatABigYikes .
I don't think this is healthy for anyone tbh. Can you just let it go because it will eat you up .
Wishing you all the best in the future 👍

I think most religions are based on manipulation and control. I can’t think of any that aren’t at the minute. I would have to research and get back.

No one has asked you to or cares if you do or don't.

And you've revealed your utter ignorance. The point is to give the charity to WHOEVER is in extreme poverty, not to the mosque or to the 'religion'.

I have a colleague who is an "influencer" in her spare time. Holds down a pretty demanding full time job. I have no idea how she does it but manages to blag at least one free family holiday a year and does a whole load of instagram stuff about the resort etc while she is there. It may not be your money they are spending.

I think it's a lovely thing you have done. Even if the money hasn't been spent as intended, surely a good thing is that the children have recent happy memories of their father that they'll treasure for life. I understand your annoyance, but you've put some good into the world either way and I hope some comes back to you too

It's not just giving because God will reward you, it's a way to redistribute wealth.

The ignorance on this thread is astounding.

op, perhaps in the future you should give the money to an official charity. That way when people come asking you can tell them that you only give to charities these days.

But then, you have no idea how they will spend it. A lot of charities spend heavily on some very controversial pursuits, that don't directly benefit the stated purpose of the charity.

Even if they are perfectly reasonable overheads - such as modest wages for hard-working employees, you're still technically potentially giving money to somebody who absolutely isn't a charity case.

It's not the same, Jehovah's witnesses give a tithe to the church.

In Islam, the money is given to poor people, any poor people you know.

Why don't you look it up instead of making things up.

I'm not a Muslim, but surely a command to give money directly to help very poor people is a million miles away from the likes of Kenneth Copeland urging people to send their money to him, instead of paying their mortgages, and then boasting about being a billionaire with his own private jet?

What’s the longer term plan? Is the wife going to start working? If he doesn’t have critical illness cover, he may not have life assurance and those children are going to need supporting for many years yet.

That is a ridiculous and pointless comment. The jewellery could have sentimental value and be family jewellery. I wouldn't sell my mother's Jewellery given to me as presents to pay for a holiday.
OP you are not being unreasonable I would be angry and upset in those circumstances. 5k is a lot of money to gift to someone who doesn't seem to need it and there are so many people who could benefit from that sort of amount.
Ignore comments that say you could afford to go on holiday it's really none of their business and giving away 5k is a lot.

You seem highly sensitive to other people having an opinion. Maybe this is not the thread for you.

@WhatABigYikes - you're Moslem, don't expect reasoned responses on Mumsnet 🤷‍♀️. However, 91% of people voting, myself included, think YANBU