Husband says he is done with me- 30 wks pregnant

[YourOliveZebra]

AIBU?
we have a 2.5yo, I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and we have a large dog. Just moved house a few weeks ago. My husbands commute is an hour drive in good traffic- always been the case. He works FT 8-5 i work 3 days 9-5. Our LO does go to nursery 1 extra day as I also have small business and to keep on top of house. He leaves home at 5am and not back until 8pm or later. He leaves at 5am so he can go to the gym before work. Then he also goes most nights after work/ I’m guessing as he returns in gym gear. Then he also sometimes works for his friend on a Saturday. I try to be understanding of work but also I’m doing all the parenting, running around, walking dog before I leave for work, making dinner once LO is in bed. All the household stuff apart from he will do the ironing and does help out when he is home with dishwasher and cooks at weekends. I Have complained about long hours at work how it’s not good for him or for 2.5 yo to never see him during the week. On the one day we get together he’s obviously tired and usually short with her. He has no patience I’ve brought this up with him but nothing changes he swears infront of her which I hate and I’ve told him about several times. Nothing changes- he will try and be good for the first week or so and then it’s back to usual. So once it gets on top of me I bring it up again about the long hours. It’s a cycle. Also he started smoking which he knows I hate so he tried to hide it- it was obvious. He told me he had stopped but he is still smoking. Also always wants to go to the pub- if he walks our dog at night he always ends up at the pub. Even our child always asks to go to the pub because that’s where he takes her. This week I’ve been unwell so he has been home on time and then logging back in until 10/11pm and then once I started to feel better his usual routine returns. So I bring it up again we have an argument and he tells me to leave if I’m not happy. He says I’m always complaining- never happy and now even though he has ‘given me’ bigger house I’m still not happy. He says he is done… All I want is him to be home more to help me and so I can have maybe even one evening to myself to do something for me. He pays all household bills and mortgage apart from food. He earns a lot more than I do. He says he has done all he can… I think he thinks because he pays he can do what he wants?!

I posted upthread that the details in the OP seem familiar, @Petitchat . Maybe OP has posted previously with a different username.

Will we see the day when a mum getting pissed at the pub with children in her care is seen as doing her bit of ‘parenting time’

Will we ever see a post from a father saying his DW/DP is a 'great mum' and that she helps out with the baby and housework?

Hmmm…. Gym early in the morning before work AND after work - everyday?!? Then complains he does long hours?….
Then works for his ‘friend’ on a Saturday??….
Sorry @YourOliveZebra but my mind jumped straight to he’s an affair!

It definitely sounds like escapism, if the gym is where he is in fact going...

Most have mentioned affairs already and who knows, it might be an affair.
It sounds like there has been a lot of changes and expenses. Are the finances adding up i.e. are you seeing the extra income?
Based on the sudden smoking and drinking, it might be that he is mentally checked out and might even be battling depression. I can see the extra working and late nights being signs of an affair but the smoking and drinking? There's something more going on. If it's not an affair, these might be signs of mental distress and depression.

Agreed, don't waste more time with him he won't change.

Not a great time to leave really with a baby coming. It sounds to me that he doesn't like young children and doesn't want to be with them.
You may as well just do your own thing until you have enough cash to live separate lives. If you were a single mum. You,'d have to do it all anyway and worry about money.

Actions speak louder than words, if you and your child and new baby were his priority that's where he'd put himself. Get rid, and get as much financially as you can from him, and don't expect to be able to rely on him to share parenting responsibilities.

Why would you want another baby with a man who does bare minimum and treats you like dirt kick him out you and your children deserve better you're not his slave your his partner 50/50 tell him you'd love to go to the pub after work but you've got a family and a house to look after so if he put a shift in you could all go out together as a family he's selfish and will never change how he treats you unless you change how he treats you

Sounds weird to me, why on earth does he HAVE to go to the gym twice a day? Twice a week would be sufficient for most people.

He's probably not going to the gym twice a day.

Aside from slightly more income than you, what exactly does he contribute? Is he actually enhancing your life at all?

I’m thinking not. Sit him down and tell him that the gym before & after work every day* is excessive, he needs to be a present and positive parent, and husband or you LTB.

• or he’s having an affair.

I agree with Millers5star. Roll with it for now but secretly get advice and put money by,
with a plan to let him go. You deserve better. He is offering scraps. I realised a long time ago that we are better off alone than with someone who makes us unhappy. Rally friends and family around, but be careful who you confide in. I also immediately thought, "affair". It will be tough, but concentrate on the love of your child and plan for a better future. You can survive without him. Good luck.

Sounds hideous. You sound super unhappy, unsurprisingly. It feels like time for you to make other plans. This man is not there for you.

you’re basically already a single mother of two. Have you got friends and family to help?
get smarter and get ready to leave. Get your finances right. Universal credit can help single moms a lot with rent etc. plus founded childcare. Gym twice a day would make him look absolutely ripped.
or he goes there to meet someone. Or doesn’t go there at all and sees woman somewhere else. He seems like a manipulative nasty man . Not a kind of man you want your daughter as an example of masculine. Not to mention he’s playing typical bullshite game of patriarchy when he “gives” you a house and you become his maid.
I feel bad for you seriously . And sad as well since you decided to have another child with someone like that.

Male perspective: This sounds proper dodgy. Why in the world would a man not want to be around his SO as much as possible? It just beggars belief. All these long hours away from the home reeks of an affair taking place. An affair to begin with is bad enough, but to do this during your pregnancy? Absolutely abhorrent behaviour. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending love.