Husband says he is done with me- 30 wks pregnant

[YourOliveZebra]

AIBU?
we have a 2.5yo, I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and we have a large dog. Just moved house a few weeks ago. My husbands commute is an hour drive in good traffic- always been the case. He works FT 8-5 i work 3 days 9-5. Our LO does go to nursery 1 extra day as I also have small business and to keep on top of house. He leaves home at 5am and not back until 8pm or later. He leaves at 5am so he can go to the gym before work. Then he also goes most nights after work/ I’m guessing as he returns in gym gear. Then he also sometimes works for his friend on a Saturday. I try to be understanding of work but also I’m doing all the parenting, running around, walking dog before I leave for work, making dinner once LO is in bed. All the household stuff apart from he will do the ironing and does help out when he is home with dishwasher and cooks at weekends. I Have complained about long hours at work how it’s not good for him or for 2.5 yo to never see him during the week. On the one day we get together he’s obviously tired and usually short with her. He has no patience I’ve brought this up with him but nothing changes he swears infront of her which I hate and I’ve told him about several times. Nothing changes- he will try and be good for the first week or so and then it’s back to usual. So once it gets on top of me I bring it up again about the long hours. It’s a cycle. Also he started smoking which he knows I hate so he tried to hide it- it was obvious. He told me he had stopped but he is still smoking. Also always wants to go to the pub- if he walks our dog at night he always ends up at the pub. Even our child always asks to go to the pub because that’s where he takes her. This week I’ve been unwell so he has been home on time and then logging back in until 10/11pm and then once I started to feel better his usual routine returns. So I bring it up again we have an argument and he tells me to leave if I’m not happy. He says I’m always complaining- never happy and now even though he has ‘given me’ bigger house I’m still not happy. He says he is done… All I want is him to be home more to help me and so I can have maybe even one evening to myself to do something for me. He pays all household bills and mortgage apart from food. He earns a lot more than I do. He says he has done all he can… I think he thinks because he pays he can do what he wants?!

He's checked out. You are part of the furniture, how you feel is nothing to him. Throw him out, or leave. There's no need to mention this to him until you are organised. His behaviour so far has fully demonstrated his level of interest - zero.

Gym after work is the issue
tbh if he left the house at 6.30 instead of of 5 in the morning it wouldn’t really make a difference
Saturday working sounds like you’ve had a lot of expense so it’s for the money rather than avoiding being in the house

I’d tell him he’s you are done and there’s the door. I’d also let him know you need time back so it’s 50:50 with your first DC. He not expecting to parent so let him learn.

Hopefully you have friends and relatives in RL who can support you whilst this POS carries on as he is.

This guy better be built like the Rock... if not I'm guessing he's not doing two gym sessions a day.

It also sounds like he is completely checked out of the marriage, you and dc are just the inanimate window dressing he needs to looks respectable to society. It's why he gets annoyed when he is reminded you are actual liv8ng and moving human beings.

What was you and hins reading for bringing another child into this shit show? And if anyone says that's not helpful because your pregnant and baby will be here soon I will say it is helpful, might help someone else stop making mistakes to.

The majority of men are utter pigs when their partners are going through the childbearing/raising a young family years. I've not seen a single friend who hasn't had this story at some point. And none have walked away from the relationship over it.... myself included.

Get yourself a cleaner, ask on local social media for recommendations or get an agency in. And he can pay for it. Outsource the laundry. Outsource walking the dog. Do a food shop online and get a Cook order to fill the freezer for the next few months. Just because he won't do it doesn't mean that you have to either. Start standing up for yourself and stop enabling him to be so absent. He's doing this because he can. Good luck with your baby.

Why is he working on Saturday? Do you need the money?

It’s selfish to go to the gym twice a day, everyday with young kids!!! And it’s even more selfish to be having an affair when your partner is at home struggling with all the family responsibilities.

A lot of other people have picked up on a lot of red flags for cheating. Especially asking you to leave if you are not happy. He’s wants you to make the decision to split so he’s not the bad guy. He’s treating you badly because he wants you to have enough and end it.

You are heavily pregnant and if I’m honest I wouldn’t go looking right now. Have your baby, heal, take the support you can but plan for a future where he is not there because I think this is coming. I’m so sorry.

If he’s taking the dc there, he’s at least doing some parenting time…

Lordy me, the bar is so low for some people

You’ve both completely missed the point of the ‘vile’ comments.

The man has already made his decision to leave, the op is upset about this. (This information is in the opening post).

The ‘vile’ comments are to help the op understand that she will be BETTER OFF alone because he’s awful and useless.

there isn’t any ‘constructive advice’ available because the bloke has already ended it.

Omfg that you, and your friends, would rather be in a relationship with an utter pig than be single.

The majority of men really aren’t like this.

Well, not the good men anyway.

The fact you think “the majority of men are like this” based on yours and your friend’s experiences says more about what you’re all prepared to accept within a relationship than it does about men as a whole.

I’m in my late 50s and not one of my uni friends and school friends I’ve kept in touch with were dealing with useless blokes when they had babies. Some worked long hours but they were not also going to the gym and disappearing on weekends. What the bloody hell is going on with young couples now? I’d boot my DS25 up the rear if he was a father and behaved like this. His GF wouldn’t need to be on his case because I would be.

A person with a heavily pregnant wife who goes to the gym for 2-3 hours per week doesn’t suddenly start smoking.

Why would she need to get in touch with women's Aid? He is an arse but he is not an abusive arse. OP does not mention, physical, sexual, verbal, emotional or financial abuse. Women's Aid are overwhelmed dealing with women living with actually abusive men. They are not free divorce advice for women married to dickheads. They are not really free divorce advice at all.

Do you believe that?

His lifestyle sounds ridiculous and he is making it harder for himself. Ideally he needs to work closer to home, gym once a day near home, stop working Saturdays. He will be a whole lot happier and less tired. He is avoiding family life the question is why?!

Why do you think having a second child will miraculously change him??

He has always been and will always be a selfish arsehole so you either live with knowing that and accept that you will forever be doing the real graft or you break up and get on with your own life free from his influence.

There is no third option!

Not in my experience.
You must know some really shitty people, and why the f would you all stay with them?
Not once in nearly 40 years together, 28 of them childrearing, have I felt the need to describe my DH as a "pig".
I think you need to have a look around at who you associate with.
Telling OP this is normal is really fucked up.
Its not.
DECENT MEN DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE THIS.

I spoke with a male friend who says he does know colleagues who just avoided going home when their wife had young kids. Would stay at the office late or take up time consuming hobbies and were quite open about why they had done this. Would be quite honest that they were waiting until the kids were in bed before they went home and were avoiding spending time with their families.

He could be having an affair sure, but not necessarily. He could just be avoiding family life with young kids. Either way his behaviour is shameful.

It sounds like you are both miserable but both of you would want to fix things, and unless both do, things won't get better. You can't fix the marriage and family life by yourself.

You need to decide what is best for you. If you have support you may want to leave now or you may decide that you don't need the pressure of a divorce, house sale and moving home with a toddler and new born so you will carry on and bide your time.

Either way, all this sucks and I am sorry to hear you are going through all this. It must be very painful as well as exhausting and you don't deserve it.

Wow. The baying and should haves on this thread are verging on cruel. She is having a second child; baby is arriving soon. She possibly already has her own doubts about her partners schedule. She probably feels annoyed, but also scared and somewhat trapped. Where is the empathy? Why all of the projections and baying - ditch him, all men are babies, I wouldn’t let a man treat me that way? I am sure some of this meant to feel like the hype crew of empowerment but i also very much doubt thats the reality for OP right now.

Trying to keep it practical -

• You need help and to both get on the same page within your household for this next chapter. What does your parental leave plan look like? Is he part of it?
• What else can you do to simplify your life - cleaner, dog walker (or temporarily rehome?)
• You mention he logs back on when he’s home - can he WFH? or request as a reasonable adjustment for the next 12 months?
• can he give up the (at least evening) gym for the next 12 months - and maybe have some equipment at home so he can be at hand to supervise kids etc?
• does he feel/are you overstretched on the mortgage - possible to explore a short break or something?

Your bigger issue is evidently communication and getting on the same page over the longer term but I’d hope both of you can come to the table to agree a reasonable plan for the now as this is no way to be.

I wouldn't see any point in a relationship with him. He's so dodgy. I'd be amazed if he was at the gym morning and night as well as working long hours and going to the pub. I'd suspect another woman.

Why is he going to the gym when you have a dog? Walk or run with the dog twice a day and he's had his gym fix even if it is just to the pub everyday.
As it stands he's useful for paying for the house and bills so create your own life without him being checked in (as it were) - you'll be on Maternity leave soon so things won't be quite so hectic.

I've read a very similar thread recently.

What’s his contracted hours? 8-5? That’s not long hours

Let him go??????
Child and 30 weeks pregnant?
Action and communication is required to make things better.
Husband has massive responsibility with mortgage and bills and just moved to a bigger house.
I totally appreciate the enormity of cc and hh duties but sounds like you both feel under appreciated