Husband says he is done with me- 30 wks pregnant

[YourOliveZebra]

AIBU?
we have a 2.5yo, I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and we have a large dog. Just moved house a few weeks ago. My husbands commute is an hour drive in good traffic- always been the case. He works FT 8-5 i work 3 days 9-5. Our LO does go to nursery 1 extra day as I also have small business and to keep on top of house. He leaves home at 5am and not back until 8pm or later. He leaves at 5am so he can go to the gym before work. Then he also goes most nights after work/ I’m guessing as he returns in gym gear. Then he also sometimes works for his friend on a Saturday. I try to be understanding of work but also I’m doing all the parenting, running around, walking dog before I leave for work, making dinner once LO is in bed. All the household stuff apart from he will do the ironing and does help out when he is home with dishwasher and cooks at weekends. I Have complained about long hours at work how it’s not good for him or for 2.5 yo to never see him during the week. On the one day we get together he’s obviously tired and usually short with her. He has no patience I’ve brought this up with him but nothing changes he swears infront of her which I hate and I’ve told him about several times. Nothing changes- he will try and be good for the first week or so and then it’s back to usual. So once it gets on top of me I bring it up again about the long hours. It’s a cycle. Also he started smoking which he knows I hate so he tried to hide it- it was obvious. He told me he had stopped but he is still smoking. Also always wants to go to the pub- if he walks our dog at night he always ends up at the pub. Even our child always asks to go to the pub because that’s where he takes her. This week I’ve been unwell so he has been home on time and then logging back in until 10/11pm and then once I started to feel better his usual routine returns. So I bring it up again we have an argument and he tells me to leave if I’m not happy. He says I’m always complaining- never happy and now even though he has ‘given me’ bigger house I’m still not happy. He says he is done… All I want is him to be home more to help me and so I can have maybe even one evening to myself to do something for me. He pays all household bills and mortgage apart from food. He earns a lot more than I do. He says he has done all he can… I think he thinks because he pays he can do what he wants?!

Rather be on benefits than with a man who obviously doesn't want to be with you or your children.

This presumes that he would be more interested in attending marriage counselling and putting some effort in than he does on the gym/pub. She's already told him that she needs change and his response was that he's done with her. This doesn't sound like a basis for any kind of joint counselling.

OP is already at the point of plan B. I think we can presume that she's been really clear and articulate about all the time that he's out of the house and how unsustainable it is for her. He has not changed.

Let him pull his weight? Thie point is, that he's not pulling his weight out of choice. How does OP go out at the weekends when he's not there? Should she leave the house at 7pm on Tuesdays with a toddler and a baby in it, while he's still at the gym for the second time that day?

This all presumes that the OP is daft as a brush, rather than the fact that he's behaving like a massive dickhead who doesn't give a shit about his wife or family, repeatedly, out of choice.

Second option, you will do what millions of other mums manage to do and raise two kids as single parent by living in a small property in a not brilliant area, probably working part time and having money made up by UC. You will also not be with a complete dickhead who doesn't actually want to be a parent and actually have some pride and a chance to meet a decent bloke.

This is exactly the point the pp made. A life subsidised by UC as a single parent. Great! What bliss. Of course there's no hardship or detriment to the children with that.
It's a breeze because 'many women do it and all do it well' on MN it's a utopia that always invariable ends with the woman better off. As for dignity. The crap and judgement you get with welfare, of having to hold your breath hoping whatever privileged plonker next in office isn't going to slash it to score extra Thatcherite points and the Daily Mailesque rhetoric of all those women grifting the taxpayer come election season really aren't undignified things to endure at all.

All as opposed to trying to communicate with her otherwise decent (she married him for a reason!) husband who is having trouble balancing his responsibilities with fatherhood (I caveat this that I agree there is possibility for an affair but OP won't know without probing) and possibly working it out. It does not seem that they had issues before children.

It never occurs to women on MN that just as women can have threads describing how disenchanted they are with parenting, how they cannot wait to put their child in nursery and get back to work for their sanity, how they regret ever choosing children, how they feel no connection whatsoever to their child, how they are struggling to manage work and kids, a man may have similar struggles. He can't because he's a man.

And if the OP wants more me time, I hardly see how she will achieve that as single parent, with no one to take the child out even for an hour at the pub and no one to help with the cooking at the weekend. Please do tell me how this is possible. Unless you mean living in a smaller flat with less housework.

@BadDinner

having trouble balancing his responsibilities with fatherhood is he?

Funny isn't it, where the jugement falls.

OP, Everyone in the world comes with their own set of issues and leaving your DH will not solve the fact that you are a soon to be mom to 2 kids who will want your time and attention...because you are mom to them.

In fact, as a pp pointed out it leaving creates many more problems and puts you under even more severe stress and time pressure.

Some couples therapy and hiring help with housework (cleaner on Saturdays?) may go a long way to improving things for you. Also, having a good friend/close sibling to occasionally vent to also helps!

Good luck, OP.

Looks like he has checked out of his fatherhood responsibilities anyway.

Nope. Both of them need to work it out but only one is here asking for advice. If the husband was on he'd receive different advice. And it's AIBU. The answer as in many cases, is yes a little bit maybe.

And this is so clique MN. I've been on MN for decades and the advice is always, always the same. Same old, same old. Women come on here frustrated, angry and wanting advice. Often all they are doing is venting and the only advice they receive 99% of the time is 'leave the bastard' (with a couple of extra sentences to legitimise it) pour fire and gasoline on the flames, and put their marriage in the bin immediately. LTB has actually become a MN meme because it's so ubiquitously rolled out, because in fantasy land every marriage is never difficult or just plain bloody shit for any reason. It's always swell (and if isn't swell there's a limit of about 6 months where it's allowed not to be) Partners are always supportive all the time. If they are not, the answer is simply that they are irrecoverably faulty, a bad choice in the beginning and should be disposed of. It's easy to do and if it's not, it's always that you just need to switch up, with a little help from UC.

Now there are women for whom that advice is appropriate, but in an hitherto, judging by OP, satisfactory marriage that has hit on rocky shores with the emergence of children? 'How uncommon, a tale that has never been heard before in history. Leave the bastard he'll never be anything but a shit father', is the first thing anyone can come up with and actually worse, 'why did you bring another kid into this' as if the OP can change it and she made the child all by herself. But actually thinking about it, perhaps posters believe that and that's why people are suggesting she raise it all by herself!

Genuine question!

You poor love @YourOliveZebra
When does your maternity leave start and end? You need some downtime!

Is there any chance of a family member or neighbour or friend babysitting so you and dh can go out of the house together and talk calmly about his/your differences?
He doesn't seem very invested in either the husband part of marriage or the father part of family. Has he always been like this, or is this recent behaviour?

I am going to say it. Have you checked his gym bag for condoms/viagra/2nd phone/charger cable for 2nd phone? Just because he says he is at the gym, it might not be true.
Any new strong aftershave? Change of phone passwords? New behaviour? Mentionitis of work name?
You must be reeling. And the dig about the house is a really, really low blow.

It’s not mocking her when she is down at all! It’s about reflection and making better choices for her and her children! Different perspectives! Accept them! …Or don’t…whatever!

He's told her he's done with her @BadDinner

He's shown her on an ongoing basis he doesn't give a shit about her, or his family.

I'm not sure how long one might be expected to grimly stick in there after that point just so you DON'T have to leave a marriage to a man who's treating you with barely more than contempt, I can't see much that I'd consider to be 'decent' about what OP has described of him.

It's an option to leave. It's not always a bad idea. Yes some marriages are plain bloody shit, and those are the ones to leave.

This sounds solvable-don’t tell him to leave if he doesn’t like it-what will that solve? At worst, a broken home leaving both of you sad when it sounds as if it can be worked out. Can you not have a conversation where you say you miss your old relationship, that you love each other and you recognise these early years are stressful-so what could you both do to help each other and work as a team?

It sounds like you're going through an incredibly challenging and frustrating time. Balancing the responsibilities of parenting, working, and managing a household can be overwhelming, especially when you feel like you're shouldering most of the burden. Your concerns are valid, and it’s understandable to seek more support and connection from your husband, especially given that you're pregnant and have a young child.

It seems like your husband is placing significant emphasis on his work and personal time at the gym and pub, which might make you feel neglected and unsupported. The dynamic you're describing, where he feels justified in his choices because he provides financially, can be detrimental to both your relationship and family life. It's crucial for both partners to contribute — not just financially, but emotionally and in terms of family responsibilities.

Have you considered sitting down together to have a candid and calm discussion about your needs and feelings? Sometimes, it helps to approach the conversation from a place of mutual respect, rather than accusation. You might express how his long hours and preference for personal time affect you and the children, and emphasize that you want to work together as a team.

Additionally, setting boundaries around both of your schedules can be essential. Maybe you could agree on specific evenings where he takes on more responsibilities or plans activities with your child, allowing you some much-needed time for yourself.

If he insists on maintaining his current routine despite your expressed concerns, consider seeking couples counseling. A neutral third party can help you both express your feelings and help facilitate a healthier communication pattern.

It's important to prioritize not only your needs but also the well-being of your relationship. If things are unchanging and you're feeling increasingly unhappy, it might be worth exploring what that means for you long-term. Seeking clarity and change is vital for both you and your children. Remember, your feelings and needs are important too.

You both are working hard with two small children. Sounds like he just doesn't want to be at home. This doesn't necessarily mean he's having an affair.,

Hmm. Is he indeed.

I can’t imagine anyone who gyms twice a day taking up smoking, either.

I think he’s lying, OP. A lot.

No, don't get rid of the dog. Dogs are loving and affectionate.
Get rid of the husband.

Best to have separate rooms, if it is a big house. You can site the pregnancy for need some space. Stop doing all the housework. Definitely stop doing his washing and ironing. You work and have a child to care for. Set some ground rules and suggest counselling. Be prepared to go it alone. You almost are anyway.

Your husband is an AHOLE. I can't manage to fit in an hour of gym time anywhere. Meanwhile this guy goes multiple times? If my husband got 2-3 extra hours of not parenting daily like your husband does, the marriage would be over because that's incredibly unreasonable. Also, my husband wants to be able to see his son before he goes to bed. Our routine after work is basically taking care of our son and cooking and then cleaning. With two people completely hands on, it's a lot so how are you managing to do it all on your own and while pregnant? Omg omg omg this upsets me so much for you. Your husband sounds like he checked out and is pushing you away so you do leave him. Also, why is he going to the pub so often? So many red flags. Not sure it will be worth it to stay with him long term. I feel like he will give you a lot of heartache for the rest of your years if you do so...

He needs to step up! The gym going is not on. Can you afford a nanny and a dog walker? Another alteryisbtgat he pays for someone else to fill his role on at least one or two of these days.
The thing is, unless you DO childcare you can't appreciate how exhausting it is. He is just a typical man child who has had joy and carried on like everything is the same as before. He thinks you are just swanning about all day spending his cash

I wouldn’t be going to couples counselling. Sounds like he absolutely believes he’s in the right and trying to get stupid people to see your pov will be at a detriment to your own well being. Sack him off.

Taking your toddler child to the pub equates to ‘parenting’ - really?! Wow.

I said kicking not mocking.

Given the current situation, how could your comment have helped the OP?

It's a bit like asking a person who is choking on a peanut, "Why on earth did you eat another peanut?" Rather than helping them.

Nonsense!

There's too many women on every single thread saying 'ditch him' he's no good. We live in a consumerist society where we are willing to throw things away with too much ease. The alternative of single parenting isn't attractive either...my parents split when I was 8...and my mum grafted and toiled to provide. Neither a present parent due to running two house holds...poor in time with my dad. I honestly wouldn't recommend it if you can make it work.

Your both going through the most stressful time in your lives...pregnancy, a toddler, a house move, two demanding jobs. Who can honestly say we are our best selves in this level of stress. As I said earlier I think your hubby is in flight mode...it's a coping strategy...likely he is despairing as are you just in different ways. Take the time to talk...be open to hearing what he has to say and expect the same in return. Write him a letter...and leave it for him to read if this makes yourself better heard. Book that counsellor if you need to. Don't be so hasty...your in a vulnerable place right now. Work at it, but prepare for it not to work at the same time. I advised my friend similar recently. There's no rush...no need to stampede to a decision...really try and encourage him to too, but use the time to get your ducks in a row and get legal advice too 👌❤️.

Affair? Twice gym sessions and taking up new habits/hobbies and out of the day all Sat helping a friend when he should be helping his wife. Nope, I don't buy the hard working, gym bunny, good samaritan persona he's putting out.

Book into a hotel for the weekend and leave the toddler with him while you get some respite. Let him have a little taster of what 50% custody looks like.