Husband says he is done with me- 30 wks pregnant

[YourOliveZebra]

AIBU?
we have a 2.5yo, I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and we have a large dog. Just moved house a few weeks ago. My husbands commute is an hour drive in good traffic- always been the case. He works FT 8-5 i work 3 days 9-5. Our LO does go to nursery 1 extra day as I also have small business and to keep on top of house. He leaves home at 5am and not back until 8pm or later. He leaves at 5am so he can go to the gym before work. Then he also goes most nights after work/ I’m guessing as he returns in gym gear. Then he also sometimes works for his friend on a Saturday. I try to be understanding of work but also I’m doing all the parenting, running around, walking dog before I leave for work, making dinner once LO is in bed. All the household stuff apart from he will do the ironing and does help out when he is home with dishwasher and cooks at weekends. I Have complained about long hours at work how it’s not good for him or for 2.5 yo to never see him during the week. On the one day we get together he’s obviously tired and usually short with her. He has no patience I’ve brought this up with him but nothing changes he swears infront of her which I hate and I’ve told him about several times. Nothing changes- he will try and be good for the first week or so and then it’s back to usual. So once it gets on top of me I bring it up again about the long hours. It’s a cycle. Also he started smoking which he knows I hate so he tried to hide it- it was obvious. He told me he had stopped but he is still smoking. Also always wants to go to the pub- if he walks our dog at night he always ends up at the pub. Even our child always asks to go to the pub because that’s where he takes her. This week I’ve been unwell so he has been home on time and then logging back in until 10/11pm and then once I started to feel better his usual routine returns. So I bring it up again we have an argument and he tells me to leave if I’m not happy. He says I’m always complaining- never happy and now even though he has ‘given me’ bigger house I’m still not happy. He says he is done… All I want is him to be home more to help me and so I can have maybe even one evening to myself to do something for me. He pays all household bills and mortgage apart from food. He earns a lot more than I do. He says he has done all he can… I think he thinks because he pays he can do what he wants?!

Yes and also he would have to share childcare

Brilliant advice. Thank you

Yikes. Doesn't sound like you've got a partner. Sounds like you've got a guy who lives with you but doesn't really want to be there. I am surprised he wanted another child - sounds like he didn't really want the first one.

It sounds like he is checked out. The gym and the pub are classic escapism. He doesn't want to be at home. Sadly it doesn't seem like it's going to get better - indeed with the baby arriving it's likely it will just get worse - he doesn't sound like he's at all excited or even interested in the fact he is a father to a small child, let alone to a baby.

I think you should get yourself a therapist to talk to about all this stuff - so you have someone you can talk to who is objective. And hopefully you can get your ducks in a row so you can figure out how best to separate and make sure there are no weird debts etc.

Best of luck - sorry you are having to deal with all this. Hopefully the therapist will help you to identify why you ended up in a situation like this in the first place so you don't replicate the issues in the future.

Tell him to wipe his feet on the way out. Good riddance!

All this gym work might make him look like a man but he ain't a man.

It's infuriating and depressing the volume of men that have zero communication skills with their partners.

I wonder how much time these type of men actually spend with their partners before they had DC? I find it hard to believe a guy spends a high portion of his time with his partner and when DC arrives suddenly jumps ship to spending more time with pals/gym.

I bet if we were being completely honest it's likely both spend a large chunk of time with respective friends and when DC arrives the women adjusts and spends less time with her friends whilst the guy carries on the way he always has.

I can tell you immediately what the answers are going to be:

1. No he cannot work from home - most higher paid jobs these days are turning away from the WFH option because it isn't as effective as people going to the office. Plus, work from home doesn't mean work less - it just cuts out some of the commuting time. Best you can hope for is that he perhaps works from home one day a week - but WFH is viewed extremely negatively in many work environments these days, and can hamper attempts for promotions.
2. He will not want to give up the gym for 12 months - you might convince him to put in some gym stuff at home, but giving up the gym entirely will be a big no - I wouldn't even bother asking. He's already pushing back at just some general requests for more help around the house - so telling him to give up his favorite hobby is going to go down like a turd sandwich.
3. The question about a break from the mortgage is ridiculous! Taking a break from paying a mortgage will just make the situation worse and increase the debt. Plus, if there are financial issues such that they need to take a "Break" from the mortgage then they sure aren't going to be able to pay for all the other stuff the person is suggesting (cleaners, dog walkers, home gyms, etc etc).

Sadly sometimes it is necessary to make it clear to people that they cannot expect anything to get better if they: 1) Married someone/had kids who showed them from the get go that they weren't good partner material; 2) have the expectation or need that someone else change their behaviour as the "fix" needed for happiness. The only behaviour we can control is our own. The only expectations we can manage are our own. If this guy wanted to change his behaviour he would have done it by now. He doesn't.

He just sounds like yet another of those blokes who wanted a wife and kids, because, socially, that's "just what you do."

But it turns out he didn't actually want to be a husband and father.

Stop!

This is a case of a very selfish man. He's not trying to work on strengthening the family or indeed the relationship.

An affair is a definite possibility. However I would say there are two people here looking at the same situation with different lenses.

From his pov YOU may appear the selfish uncaring one.

From his pov it may go something like this: He does a job that seems to be stressing him. You moved into a bigger house, which mortgage he is totally responsible for and you do not contribute towards, with bigger bills that he covers and again you do not pay (yes I know you do the shopping, but that is not quite the same pressure as a debt although it is a pressure to be sure). He has a second child coming with more expenses and since you had the first baby, you have consistently said you are unhappy shouldering the burden and are not happy with his performance as a father (in terms of caring and spending time) And now you are having a second one, which means (to him) more of you complaining about the pressures and not being happy. He feels inadequate to be a father in the way you want (and to be fair most people would expect) and probably unconfident about fathering a second. He goes to the gym to unwind and get out the stress before he comes home and unleashes it on you. But you don't understand, and you think it's just to avoid you. The stress is now so bad he feels the need to smoke to unwind. You complain to him about the smoking habit and the gym, but not about what is making him feel the need to smoke and use the gym. You complain if he goes to the pub (child in tow) to unwind but then say he should support you, so you can have a day to unwind. He feels you're not hearing HIM.

Now, you can say it's unfair and his viewpoint (assuming I'm in any way correct) is wrong and he's selfish, but if any of what I said is true, you both have terrible communication problems. You are talking totally at cross purposes and neither of you feel validated. Men typically switch off and close down when they're unhappy and let It build up until they come out with the 'I'm.leaving you' It isn't right it's really lousy. The switching off and the distance puts us into flight or fight mode and we get angry and hurt.

They say counselling never helps. But I think you definitely need emergency intervention on the communication front. If you cannot find a way to communicate then this relationship is not worth saving. Cut your losses now.

Think also: Are you able to make any compromises? Do you need the bigger house? You said that he throws back at you that he bought the house to 'make you happy' so perhaps he's confused about which one is your priority? The being present at home or the lifestyle? This can be worked out with communication.

I've assumed some things regarding finances so feel free to set me straight.

I will say you do not sound like you particularly want to continue in the relationship and you both do not seem to have the values in common. When values aren't aligned in a relationship it is very hard so think very carefully if you really want to try and salvage it or exit now.

So another child is going to have this prince as a father. He sounds horrible. Horrible to you, horrible to your child, no doubt horrible to the next one. Please get rid. Make sure you get CMS.

I'm so angry on your behalf. I have small DC. Me and DH discuss what we want to do (gym, meeting friends etc) then we plan our diaries to accommodate both of us having free time, and us all having time together.

Why does he think it's remotely acceptable to go to the gym every day instead of spending that time with his child? When do you get to do things for yourself?

All free time, which doesn't include time you're solely responsible for your child or cleaning, should be split 50/50. He shouldn't get to continue like he has no responsibilities whilst you do his share of the housework and childcare on top of your own.

It sounds like you both need to go to couples counselling. Who's idea was the bigger house and second baby, because this relationship sounded like it was struggling before these pressure were added on? You both sound unhappy and I imagine the 'fault' lies across both of you (but his retreating behaviour is selfish) and you've retreated to your corners and are sticking to them. You need to talk calmly and with empathy for each other and if he won't, then you need to look after yourself first and make decisions for you and your future possibly without him.

When a man says "if your not happy then leave" usually means there's another woman on the scene (from experience), who goes to the gym twice in one day?, is he ripped?, if that's not the case then he's avoiding family life, he sounds like a tosspot, tell him to wipe his feet on the way out.

Agree with this. Something doesn't add up here.
Sorry OP, you deserve better than this.

I know it is not the point of this thread but I just want to say congratulations on your second pregnancy. I imagine your head is spinning now. But it is such a blessing to have another child. Let your unsupportive husband go. Let him take the dog (or keep the dog if he is more your dog), you will make it work! There are dog walkers that you can hire. Doesnt seem like he is any help anyway and so unsupportive. Also, i just get angry when men wants us to be happy, yet they are emotionally unavailble or just not there to share the burden of household and parenting. Yes, he works, and makes better money. But honestly, working is soooooo much easier than looking after a house and toddlers!

I had this with my ex-husband. The relationship felt very transactional - he worked really long hours and paid for mortgage and household bills, I did all the childcare, domestic work, dog walking etc, oh and also worked! But my job didn't pay as much as his (still doesn't!) so he just expected that his took priority. I also paid for childcare out of my salary so ended up with virtually nothing to take home for several years, before returning to full time work when my youngest was about 3.

It didn't work. I felt angry and resentful and every time I brought it up, I was similarly dismissed. We're now separated and actually this thread has reminded me that we're both much better off not being part of a couple. I still do all the childcare - but they're teens now so that's much easier, apart from being a taxi service - but at least I am not feeling like a paid servant/prostitute.

The smoking alone would be a deal breaker for me let alone all of the other shit! Most men don't want children, they have them to keep their wife/partner happy.

The award for the most unhelpful comment goes to…⬆️

Presumably he also chose to have a second child, chose to get a bigger house and bigger mortgage etc. The way you're framing it, it's like he wouldn't have done any of those things and is doing his wife a massive favour by going along with what she wants. I think some people DO see marriage this way - it's the woman who wants the bigger house and all the kids and the man just pays for it and puts up with it - but it's a very 1950s attitude.

He leaves the house three hours before he starts work and returns three hours after he finishes work, and spends Saturday with his mate.

Let him go.

I'm so sorry - you sound overwhelmed and exhausted. Is there any way you can cut back on (paid) work? Your DH seems oblivious to the load you're carrying. Can you get a sitter and get out, just the two of you where you can talk this through? Early stages of marriage, young children, pregnancy and exhaustion is a powder-keg!

OP
Was he like this before you had children?
Was he keen to start a family?
Is this in keeping with his previous personality - or is he different

If you are well off, can you buy in some help, eg a cleaner / some extra time at nursery for your LO so that you can have some down time too?

Disagree entirely
He is shouldering a lot of responsibility too

Hi OP. Your post is so vastly similar to my life I didn't just want to read and run. My husband works away a lot with his job, which means when he is back that time is even more valuable. However, the long gym sessions and sporting hobbies have always taken priority in our house. When his job became slightly more flexible this wasn't as much of an issue, but he was finishing midday, gym etc whilst I was still working (FT) and having to sort alternative child care for pickups etc (or me during working ours if WFH) despite being home. As he would state I'm home early so gym time (I'm talking 1.30-4/4.30pm). Likewise as you've mentioned on days off I'd ask if full days could be spent together this would often be met with frustration on his part (we have 3 children). He has now also taken up another hobby on top of the gym. My point is, this has never changed for us. The times he has swapped things around (I'm talking perhaps one less day or changed a day) I was told I was an ungrateful little bitch for not appreciating it..... I would say with such a young child, and one on the way, if he doesn't change now he probably wont, sadly mine never has...

I think from a practical point of view you need to consider how and what you would do if you were alone. Would you be able to fund your own home? You mention working 3 days a week will you get a decent bit of pay from your work when you have the baby? I personally would try and step back from working so hard at the house and just relax into not being perfect with chores etc as if you are single you will have the same housework and less money. When your little one goes to bed take some time for yourself. He might notice if you stop doing his washing etc and begin to do more. You might decide to leave in the future but I think you should focus on what you need and want for the upcoming baby and let him waft about paying the bills while you need him to.