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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband says he is done with me- 30 wks pregnant

218 replies

YourOliveZebra · 29/06/2025 22:31

AIBU?
we have a 2.5yo, I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and we have a large dog. Just moved house a few weeks ago. My husbands commute is an hour drive in good traffic- always been the case. He works FT 8-5 i work 3 days 9-5. Our LO does go to nursery 1 extra day as I also have small business and to keep on top of house. He leaves home at 5am and not back until 8pm or later. He leaves at 5am so he can go to the gym before work. Then he also goes most nights after work/ I’m guessing as he returns in gym gear. Then he also sometimes works for his friend on a Saturday. I try to be understanding of work but also I’m doing all the parenting, running around, walking dog before I leave for work, making dinner once LO is in bed. All the household stuff apart from he will do the ironing and does help out when he is home with dishwasher and cooks at weekends. I Have complained about long hours at work how it’s not good for him or for 2.5 yo to never see him during the week. On the one day we get together he’s obviously tired and usually short with her. He has no patience I’ve brought this up with him but nothing changes he swears infront of her which I hate and I’ve told him about several times. Nothing changes- he will try and be good for the first week or so and then it’s back to usual. So once it gets on top of me I bring it up again about the long hours. It’s a cycle. Also he started smoking which he knows I hate so he tried to hide it- it was obvious. He told me he had stopped but he is still smoking. Also always wants to go to the pub- if he walks our dog at night he always ends up at the pub. Even our child always asks to go to the pub because that’s where he takes her. This week I’ve been unwell so he has been home on time and then logging back in until 10/11pm and then once I started to feel better his usual routine returns. So I bring it up again we have an argument and he tells me to leave if I’m not happy. He says I’m always complaining- never happy and now even though he has ‘given me’ bigger house I’m still not happy. He says he is done… All I want is him to be home more to help me and so I can have maybe even one evening to myself to do something for me. He pays all household bills and mortgage apart from food. He earns a lot more than I do. He says he has done all he can… I think he thinks because he pays he can do what he wants?!

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/06/2025 00:28

He says he's done with her. The baby is on the way.
She needs constructive advice. not a series of posts saying why did you have a baby with this man -
she's probably already very distressed and worried.

OP do you have any friends/family you could talk this through with?

Charliecatpaws · 30/06/2025 00:38

Unless you’re an elite athlete you don’t do 2 gym sessions every day.

suerte1998 · 30/06/2025 00:51

Vibgyor · 29/06/2025 22:46

OP all of these extra hours make it sound like he is having an affair.

Unfortunately that's what sprung to mind for me too....Especially with the two gym trips a day.

Muffinmam · 30/06/2025 00:54

Get rid of the dog. Then he don’t have an excuse to go to the pub.

Boreded · 30/06/2025 00:55

Popping a marker down in this one because this asshole is 100% cheating and you could do better, waiting to see how it plays out

BendyLikeBeckham · 30/06/2025 00:56

What a waste of space man-child. I also think he might be having an affair, sorry OP.
He needs to grow up and be the man you need him to be. But he won't. They don't change.
He will make this all your fault, wait and see. I hope you get him to leave. Your life will be so much easier when he is gone. Even with a baby and toddler. Trust me.

VeryStressedMum · 30/06/2025 01:11

He goes to the gym twice a day? Regardless of what he's actually doing in the morning and after work, he's doing everything he can to not be in the house with you and his child.

Trying to make him see what he's doing is pointless as he already knows.

Think about letting him be done and letting him go. Put yourself and your children first

JIMER202 · 30/06/2025 01:15

I don’t think OP will be back now so many people have said he’s not at the gym twice a day and is cheating.

Olivesforteatonighty · 30/06/2025 01:24

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/06/2025 00:28

He says he's done with her. The baby is on the way.
She needs constructive advice. not a series of posts saying why did you have a baby with this man -
she's probably already very distressed and worried.

OP do you have any friends/family you could talk this through with?

Absolutely this! These vile comments are no help at all.

You have to raise the bar @YourOliveZebra and set out some none negotiable requirements. Going forward if things don’t change, there has to be consequences. You talk about him doing the odd thing as helping. Ditch the idea that he helps, he’s a grown man who has equal responsibility for the home and his kids.

HallidayJones6779 · 30/06/2025 01:34

@YourOliveZebra - you're doing a great job OP, it must be hard!! I think you'd actually be better off without him but I think that's easier said than done at 30 weeks pregnant. He is being absolutely horrid.

Is it worth sitting him down to talk to him again? If he doesn't change, what do you want to do?

Shitmonger · 30/06/2025 02:07

Boreded · 30/06/2025 00:55

Popping a marker down in this one because this asshole is 100% cheating and you could do better, waiting to see how it plays out

Yep, absolutely sounds like cheating. Start looking for the other woman, OP.

“Long hours,” “two gym sessions a day,” and “helping a friend on Saturdays,” indeed. Helping himself into another woman’s bed more like. 🙄

AnonMJ · 30/06/2025 02:40

do you have RL F&F to reach out to? Do it fast.

sounds like your marriage is over as he has checked out. So only way to save it now is if you both want it. Then you need counselling

and yes. Gym twice a day as well
as long work hours plus 2h commute suggests at best he has checked out of this family life. At worse he has something or someone else going on.

and, smoking & drinking don’t sound like the sort of vices a ripped gym bunny would be into.
something does not add up.

ask him if he wants to move out, If not then couples therapy is the only way forward. Otherwise speak to a lawyer for advice. Pronto.

2021x · 30/06/2025 03:02

Honestly you can do better without the extra stress of having him to worry about. If he has time to go to the gym x2 a day he has time for the family. He is choosing not to.

Get details of his payslips, photo them so you have evidence of his earnings.

Kick him and the dog out and give yourself a week of breathing space.

Practically it doesn’t matter if he is having an affair (even though emotionally it does).

Fantailsflitting · 30/06/2025 03:11

There is no point in trying to reason with him or imposing limits which he has no intention of adhering to. No, most men with pregnant wives don't spend two hours plus at the gym everyday and he must be perfectly aware of that. Just like he's aware that no decent man storms out telling the mother of his toddler and who is 30 weeks pregnant he is done with her. He is behaving very badly but right now I'd just let things slide because you'll be doing it all on your own if he moves out but with much less money and no housing security. Yes, I know that's totally unfair but you need to be realistic. Once the baby is say six or twelve months old I'd be thinking very hard about whether I wanted to stay married to him. I think you need to work out a budget for childcare and what you'd be entitled to if he left.

You're married so at least you should be getting half of the house though there may not be that much equity if you just moved. Do you have any family who could help or provide support? It might be prudent to have a bank account of your own and have some money you can access in an emergency if he just walks out and stops paying the bills. Hopefully, he won't do that as it would affect his credit rating. I do wonder if some of the gym time is actually gym time or whether he might be seeing somebody else. Could he possibly be taking steroids though and this is roid rage.

It's a horrible situation and I feel very sorry for you.

SecondVerseSameAsThe1st · 30/06/2025 03:30

Muffinmam · 30/06/2025 00:54

Get rid of the dog. Then he don’t have an excuse to go to the pub.

Sure, just dump the family pet. That is heartless and cruel and it will fix everything. 🙄 What a bright idea.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/06/2025 03:51

Eh, no thanks.
He think that he is more worthy than you, do you love him?

Fitasafiddle1 · 30/06/2025 03:52

He has checked out and you have been alone for a long tint already, he really doesn’t care about you or his own child,I would ask him to leave. Get dome support, make a plan.

TennisLady · 30/06/2025 03:59

Charliecatpaws · 30/06/2025 00:38

Unless you’re an elite athlete you don’t do 2 gym sessions every day.

I’m also surprised he took up smoking despite going to gym twice a day…

CakeBlanchett · 30/06/2025 04:16

Your husband is not a valiant breadwinner nobly sacrificing himself for his family. He is a man living as though he were still single, with a pregnant wife and child tacked on as an occasional afterthought. Yes, he works long hours, but a considerable portion of those hours is voluntarily ceded to the gym, the pub, or side jobs for friends.

Meanwhile, you are thirty weeks pregnant, single-handedly raising a toddler, walking the dog, managing the household and a small business, and somehow expected to radiate gratitude because he has ‘given you’ a bigger house.

He may pay the bills, but financial contribution does not grant him a license to vanish from the daily life of his family. It’s not ‘providing’ if what he provides is absence and disappointment.

He knows you’re unhappy; he simply doesn’t care enough to enact lasting change. Worse, he turns your entirely justified frustrations into accusations that you are the problem, urging you to leave if you’re ‘never happy’.

You deserve far more than occasional gestures and the odd load of ironing. You deserve a partner who wants to parent his children, who values your well-being, and who understands that a family is not his one-man show with you as the slogging backstage crew.

So yes, your husband’s behaviour is profoundly lacking. And it’s time you stopped pleading for crumbs of his attention and started asking yourself whether this is truly the life you wish for yourself and your children. Because the truth is, he has not done ‘all he can’. He has merely done whatever he wishes.

Millers5star · 30/06/2025 04:49

Go over to the relationships board and ask for advice on " getting ducks in a row". Don't tell him anything. Don't give him a chance to hide money or assets.
Get in touch with Women's Aid.
You need to tell your midwife about his behaviour. It will escalate and you will need support.
Do you have any family?
He has already checked out of your marriage. I am sorry.

MidnightScroller · 30/06/2025 05:00

He sounds like an absolute selfish prick- doesn’t he want a relationship with his kids, if not you? Is he family oriented at all? They’ll know all this if he leaves while you’re heavily pregnant.
Could he be having an affair? Sounds like he’s got time to, would explain the change of clothes every night - could the smoking be from the OW?
So sorry OP he needs a massive kick up the ass or else kick him out, not you. Does he even care what other people think, because it'd be very obvious to the world if he made you leave while 30 weeks pregnant.
Good luck and so sorry he’s being like this Flowers

Oodlesof · 30/06/2025 05:24

Gonk123 · 29/06/2025 22:52

Why are you having a second baby with this man!

I hate it when posters do this. A woman in a terrible position come to this website for support and all other women can do is kick her when she's down.

Optimustime · 30/06/2025 05:32

Good news is that your 2 yo won't ask questions or be upset when you separate because he's not there anyway.

I would separate because it's no life doing all the work for a man and having to hang around for when he deigns to turn up

babyproblems · 30/06/2025 06:06

ProfessionalTeaDrinker · 29/06/2025 22:42

Tbh, I'd let him go. I know you are pregnant and it will seem incredibly overwhelming the thought of going it alone - but you already are doing it all alone. He's spending no time with you or his child. He's choosing to be out the house for those hours to fit in gym and work and then off to the pub as well? No. Let him go. He probably thinks once he's treated to go you'll panic and shut up. Id take him up on the offer and suggest he moves elsewhere pronto! And if you have family or friends then make sure you reach out and talk to them - you'll need their support.

This. He doesn’t respect you and he’s not really invested in the family is he so there’d be no difference without him op. Also I am suspicious of someone who goes to the gym twice a day - a huge commitment - yet who smokes and goes to the pub?! Hmmm…
Hes setting a shit example for your DD. If you keep him, she’ll think this is ok and acceptable and what a ‘family’ is - he’s a crap partner and crap dad. Best of luck to you x

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 30/06/2025 06:43

He’s avoiding your daughter and gaslighting you to believe it’s a sacrifice he’s making to provide you with a great standard of living.

The truth is he doesn’t want to be around either of you or the drudgery of housework.

You don’t need him. He’s not making your life better.