Husband says he is done with me- 30 wks pregnant

[YourOliveZebra]

AIBU?
we have a 2.5yo, I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and we have a large dog. Just moved house a few weeks ago. My husbands commute is an hour drive in good traffic- always been the case. He works FT 8-5 i work 3 days 9-5. Our LO does go to nursery 1 extra day as I also have small business and to keep on top of house. He leaves home at 5am and not back until 8pm or later. He leaves at 5am so he can go to the gym before work. Then he also goes most nights after work/ I’m guessing as he returns in gym gear. Then he also sometimes works for his friend on a Saturday. I try to be understanding of work but also I’m doing all the parenting, running around, walking dog before I leave for work, making dinner once LO is in bed. All the household stuff apart from he will do the ironing and does help out when he is home with dishwasher and cooks at weekends. I Have complained about long hours at work how it’s not good for him or for 2.5 yo to never see him during the week. On the one day we get together he’s obviously tired and usually short with her. He has no patience I’ve brought this up with him but nothing changes he swears infront of her which I hate and I’ve told him about several times. Nothing changes- he will try and be good for the first week or so and then it’s back to usual. So once it gets on top of me I bring it up again about the long hours. It’s a cycle. Also he started smoking which he knows I hate so he tried to hide it- it was obvious. He told me he had stopped but he is still smoking. Also always wants to go to the pub- if he walks our dog at night he always ends up at the pub. Even our child always asks to go to the pub because that’s where he takes her. This week I’ve been unwell so he has been home on time and then logging back in until 10/11pm and then once I started to feel better his usual routine returns. So I bring it up again we have an argument and he tells me to leave if I’m not happy. He says I’m always complaining- never happy and now even though he has ‘given me’ bigger house I’m still not happy. He says he is done… All I want is him to be home more to help me and so I can have maybe even one evening to myself to do something for me. He pays all household bills and mortgage apart from food. He earns a lot more than I do. He says he has done all he can… I think he thinks because he pays he can do what he wants?!

And who will pay the large mortgage and bills?
Reflect

I'm sorry to say, but is he actually going to the gym? Just because he has his gym kit on, ot doesn't mean he's actually going there. It could be a ploy.

He's doing everything he possibly can to avoid being at home with you, taking your toddler to the pub (wtf!?), leaving early, doing extra hours, barely getting any sleep if he's home at the latest 11pm and then leaving at 5am!?

He's being horrid and unsupportive toward you, his pregnant wife, lack of patience for his own child. This all sounds like the attitude of a man who is cheating on you. He even told you to leave- That's how much he has checked out of this marriage.

You deserve better.

This ☝️☝️☝️. He either can't cope with the domestic set up at home (it is especially hard for some people when kids are at the very high dependency stage...I struggled...and you have just moved) or he's having an affair or both. My instinct is it's probably avoidance behaviour...he is struggling with home life and your in fight mode... he's definitely in flight 🙈🙈

Either way it can't carry on like this. You need to have a conversation with no shouting. Is there anyone that can have the little one for one weekend, so you can spend a little time and voice what you are both struggling with?? Make a list of changes you want...he can do the same; compromise and make a deal. Without this, there will be no future for you both 😥. He'll continue to be absent and your hatred will grow like fungus until all that is currently positive becomes tainted and you eventually ditch him.

If you need support doing this marriage counselling would be key. Good luck OP 🍀

Sorry, I know this isn't helpful, But just WHY ?

Reflect? What I'm reflecting on is not having to stay with a man who feels it's his priority to spend four hours in the gym every day and the remainder of his time in the pub with his mates when he's got a family at home.

Large mortgages and bills are not chaining women to shitty men.

It's difficult to know whether (a) he's having an affair or (b) cynically leaving everything to you in order to avoid parenting, or (c) is working long hours & using pub/gym because he can't keep up with a stressful overwhelming job, or all of these or two of them or. ... I guess you're not entirely sure either. You need to talk to him in a non-blaming way about how he's finding things, before you decide what to do, though of course he's unlikely to admit to (a). If you give him the benefit of the doubt about (a), and especially if there's a bit of truth to both (b) and (c) then I'd start by telling him what you will be doing and he fits around this rather than the focus always being on you telling him how he ought to change. So - I'll be going to x on Sunday mornings, but we'll be able to do things as a family in the afternoon. I'm going to sign up to x and go twice a week at 6pm, do you have a preference for which are your evenings and which are mine? If there's no accommodation of this, then you know where you stand.

I get your point but ime, there are a lot of women who lack appreciation of the responsibilities associated with paying mortgage and bills etc
Just as there are some men who lack appreciation of the enormity of caring for home and children
Communication is key for both to improve matters.
There is too much to lose for all concerned

He's done with you? I'd be done with him if this is how he behaves. Only spends one day a week with his family and is horrible to them. Disgusting man.

You cannot let your DD grow up thinking this is how men behave.

Do you have family support OP. I would start planning a life without him. Get hold of his financial information. He'll have to pay maintenance for both children and you as well. I would seek legal advice about what you are entitled to.

Women will have the most useless husbands and keep having more children with them. Only to have more work and complain. My sympathy is way capped.

Where is the self accountability? The accountability for the daughter he was barely spending time with?

The problem is this country is that due to the taxpayer funded state, people are sooo quick to say LEAVE him! Despite the fact that OP likely wouldn’t be able to fund a household alone.

he’s finding family life tough - as many men do. I won’t query why you would bring another child into this situation as that is already done but going to the gym is likely to avoid nagging and family life.

Smoking and going to the pub is not a crime, those are his de-stressors likely?

You need marriage counselling and maybe pay for a weekly cleaner to free up some hours of time for yourself.

Your explanation of his hours is confusing. But it sounds like he has a full time job & does childcare and cooking at the weekend which isn’t nothing.

but people shouting for OP to leave her husband is part of why we have the issues in the UK we have. People leave their husbands at the drop of a hat, only to start dating further useless men or bring step siblings / boyfriends / girlfriends into the messy picture

Sorry, he's said he's done with her. I think the only thing to do in that case is let him go...? Unless you want to stay with someone who is "done with you" because of a large mortgage. I would choose not to. You might think it fine to stay.

I left my husband and have never claimed a benefit in my life. Put down that Daily Mail.

People leave their husbands at the drop of a hat

This is nonsense. Most women stay far too long in relationships that are diabolical, because women with young children are actually really unlikely to leave at the drop of a hat or anything else. But you keep peddling that narrative.

This is an unfathomable attitude towards women in 2025 when women also work and pay the mortgage and bills, and in the UK too when it is far more common for feckless men to abdicate their responsibilities by not paying child support.

So staying to pay the bills is better than leaving a relationship and having a better life? It isn't the 19th when rich wives pretended their husband didn't have a mistress you know.

But we've all felt we are done with people at times and say things in heat of the moment

Patronising much? I think we can credit OP with a bit of intelligence, even at 30 weeks pregnant, to know the difference between some heat of the moment comment, and a situation that she feels is an issue. She's even managing to hold down a job the clever sausage.

You can end a relationship at any time for any reason, it's 2025, we can get mortgages, drive cars that we own, pay bills, vote, book holidays, who'd have thought!

You have just moved house, you are having a new baby and times are stressful.
Calm the farm and chill a bit for a few months.
Try to appreciate each other.
Use services to help you in the home.
Concentrate on asking DH to sort out the most important things - smoking, swearing and helping in the evenings with LO.

Plan to go to the pub once a fortnight as a family. You all enjoy a meal out.
Plan other enjoyable regular activities every now and again on the weekend.

Honestly, if he’s spending more time at the gym and pub than with his family maybe he’s checked out
And calling the house “his gift” bit rich isn’t it? They’re supposed to be partners not strangers
Wonder how long she’s meant to keep doing it all before it breaks her

He’s definitely not going to the gym before and after work every day. That’s a massive fucking lie. He’s having an affair. That also explains why he’s so rude and snappy with you and your child.

He starts work at 8 but goes to the gym at 5!

How long is he spending at the gym? Unless he is some sort of elite athlete he needs to spend more time with his kids and less preening himself in the gym mirrors

He’s avoiding coming home because he hates life at home and/or he’s having an affair during his extra free time. He clearly thinks that you should be grateful for the big house and mortgage being paid and that his contribution ends there.
Did you plan both babies ? I’m going to assume that the second couldn’t have been planned considering his behaviour and how it will be even more stressful when a baby on top of your current workload. If you don’t planned baby 2- did he promise to be at home more?

I honestly cannot believe you're having a second child in this situation, seems massively stupid.
Things will get worse with the new baby, he will not change.
You have two choices:
1 accept things as they are
2 separate
It's disgusting your 2.5 yo is asking to go to the pub - that is just so sad

Well, your choices are be a single parent in a big house until he actually leaves you , or leave him and be a single parent in small house/flat with two kids.

First option , you'll have a big house but no dignity or self respect and you'll be bringing up children in a dysfunctional household. That's if he doesn't get really nasty and tell you to leave. He's having an affair by the way as well, which I think you know.

Second option, you will do what millions of other mums manage to do and raise two kids as single parent by living in a small property in a not brilliant area, probably working part time and having money made up by UC. You will also not be with a complete dickhead who doesn't actually want to be a parent and actually have some pride and a chance to meet a decent bloke.

Sadly he wouldn't "have to share childcare". Courts cannot force a father to step up

Stay put for now op. You haven’t got time to move and he isn’t physically abusing you - although he is emotionally neglectful.

Start marriage counselling immediately. Alert your friends and family to the situation as it is, and your midwife. You need all the support and help you can get.

Be frank with him - this either changes or the marriage is over. You then have 6-12 months to get yourself and life in order with a plan B if he doesn’t change - and he may not.

In the longer term it is isn’t good for your dd to feel so ignored. So you have a choice later on to make, but for now move him into the spare room and let him pull his weight, go out at the weekends, do a Pilates pregnancy class etc and let him get on with it op.