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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband says he is done with me- 30 wks pregnant

218 replies

YourOliveZebra · 29/06/2025 22:31

AIBU?
we have a 2.5yo, I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and we have a large dog. Just moved house a few weeks ago. My husbands commute is an hour drive in good traffic- always been the case. He works FT 8-5 i work 3 days 9-5. Our LO does go to nursery 1 extra day as I also have small business and to keep on top of house. He leaves home at 5am and not back until 8pm or later. He leaves at 5am so he can go to the gym before work. Then he also goes most nights after work/ I’m guessing as he returns in gym gear. Then he also sometimes works for his friend on a Saturday. I try to be understanding of work but also I’m doing all the parenting, running around, walking dog before I leave for work, making dinner once LO is in bed. All the household stuff apart from he will do the ironing and does help out when he is home with dishwasher and cooks at weekends. I Have complained about long hours at work how it’s not good for him or for 2.5 yo to never see him during the week. On the one day we get together he’s obviously tired and usually short with her. He has no patience I’ve brought this up with him but nothing changes he swears infront of her which I hate and I’ve told him about several times. Nothing changes- he will try and be good for the first week or so and then it’s back to usual. So once it gets on top of me I bring it up again about the long hours. It’s a cycle. Also he started smoking which he knows I hate so he tried to hide it- it was obvious. He told me he had stopped but he is still smoking. Also always wants to go to the pub- if he walks our dog at night he always ends up at the pub. Even our child always asks to go to the pub because that’s where he takes her. This week I’ve been unwell so he has been home on time and then logging back in until 10/11pm and then once I started to feel better his usual routine returns. So I bring it up again we have an argument and he tells me to leave if I’m not happy. He says I’m always complaining- never happy and now even though he has ‘given me’ bigger house I’m still not happy. He says he is done… All I want is him to be home more to help me and so I can have maybe even one evening to myself to do something for me. He pays all household bills and mortgage apart from food. He earns a lot more than I do. He says he has done all he can… I think he thinks because he pays he can do what he wants?!

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 30/06/2025 19:59

PermanentTemporary · 29/06/2025 22:53

Tbh it sounds as if he’s checked out. You do seem to have completely different ideas on how to live. It also sounds as if you are telling him off a lot and he’s reacting by pulling away.

Im not a fan of smoking or going to the pub so often either. But they’re not crimes of the century. If he’s taking the dc there, he’s at least doing some parenting time…

Smoking and drinking around your child is vile and not healthy for the child.
He should be taking her out for a nature walk, swimming, or soft play for example.

SunnySideDeepDown · 30/06/2025 20:05

You’re having a family with someone who isn’t a family man. He’s selfish.

He won’t change.

SunnySideDeepDown · 30/06/2025 20:07

YourOliveZebra · 29/06/2025 22:50

Sorry I should have been clearer- they are his contracted hours- he is starting early and working late nearly every night

Show quote history

Does his pay reflect this? Was it a joint decision?

Wowwee1234 · 30/06/2025 20:45

Pinkissmart · 30/06/2025 09:55

Stop!

This is a case of a very selfish man. He's not trying to work on strengthening the family or indeed the relationship.

Show quote history
  1. We don't know everything, just OP perspective.
  2. Counselling can help someone see what they are doing and change - it isn't a do nothing option.

MN is very quick to suggest splitting up. After 27 years with my OH, counselling got us through tough, tough times. I think more couples should try it before divorce is all.

Lylaswan1 · 01/07/2025 03:07

You are not being unreasonable... but for him it's exactly what you say, he thinks his money contributes enough....
If you have tried to make him see reason and he's not responding to you....
Stop doing for him....
You are doing it all. The gym my ....you know what 2x a day... he's about to have 2 kids
Don't cook for him, don't do his laundry
Don't leave that house if you leave him...its on him. But he isn't seeing what you are doing... to him the magic fairy is taking care of all his needs while he still acts like a single man.
Don't food shop for his stuff, nothing
You could try asking him to pick up the food shopping, just give him a list you are 30 weeks pregnant, working, totally taking care of the home and dd...no ma'am
..he either gets to helping or gets to stepping... he still wants to be single go right ahead otherwise grow up and act like a father and husband he is supposed to be.... I'd say try counseling but he probably wouldn't go... but you could if you had any time... oh my heart breaks for you... I know how exhausted you are and how disheartening this can be. You want a partner... not an extra child...
My husband was brought up in the south here in the US and had that mentality but he would sit down and we'd talk and I said a lot of what I said above and he has changed significantly over the 30 years we've been together so it can change... but he has to be willing

Thalia31 · 01/07/2025 17:57

I will never understand why people keep procreating within drama. Irresponsible

SimplyAFolly · 01/07/2025 18:15

If you keep pecking his head he'll be off, just be a little more understanding.

PunkyRubyLemur · 01/07/2025 18:18

My thoughts exactly

GiveDogBone · 01/07/2025 18:22

It’s hardly surprising he spends his time at the gym or down the pub with all the moaning he gets when he comes home. Of course you are doing more the home responsibilities, you work roughly 50% the hours he does. The last thing he wants after a hard days work is to come home and get nagged.

Frankly you’ve pushed him to the limit and now face being your kids up entirely on your own. Congratulations!

(if you want to fix it, accept he is working hard to provide for the family and stop complaining that he does).

CommonAsMucklowe · 01/07/2025 18:28

My first thought, he's having an affair. Sorry.

TwoFeralKids · 01/07/2025 18:42

GiveDogBone · 01/07/2025 18:22

It’s hardly surprising he spends his time at the gym or down the pub with all the moaning he gets when he comes home. Of course you are doing more the home responsibilities, you work roughly 50% the hours he does. The last thing he wants after a hard days work is to come home and get nagged.

Frankly you’ve pushed him to the limit and now face being your kids up entirely on your own. Congratulations!

(if you want to fix it, accept he is working hard to provide for the family and stop complaining that he does).

I think you have mistaken this for the 50's.

Wildefish · 01/07/2025 18:59

Gonk123 · 29/06/2025 22:52

Why are you having a second baby with this man!

How is that helpful at 30 weeks pregnant. Have some empathy.

MaddestGranny · 01/07/2025 19:00

It's probably a good idea to suggest counselling. Whether he'll take up your suggestion is another matter. But it's surely worth a go.

At the same time, OP, do find yourself a good solicitor and lay out your predicament.

You may well be looking at separation/divorce and if this is the case you want to be very sure to safeguard your own situation and that of your child/soon to be children.

Do NOT leave the marital home. Stay put and gather your friends, family and support networks around you, in case he does FO and leave you stranded.

As many others have said, there are many indications that he wants out because he's having an affair (whatever he may say). Maybe not. But, y'know: Be Prepared.

Iceandfire92 · 01/07/2025 19:09

If he's not having an affair now, he will be after baby 2 arrives. He has completely checked out and is avoiding being around you in the home. It sounds like you give him a lot of orders and he is seeking respite whatever this may be. Would you prefer he stopped working the long hours and his income reduced as a consequence? I do struggle to have sympathy with some of these posters who decide to bring a 2nd actual human being into situations such as this.

Jumpers4goalposts · 01/07/2025 19:10

He’s not a father to your first DC why are you having another with him. You should have up’ed and left when he failed the first time. You’re enabling him to be rubbish.

Chungai · 01/07/2025 19:15

ToKittyornottoKitty · 29/06/2025 23:00

Has he always worked extra hours and gone to the gym twice a day or is it a recent change? What happens financially if he leaves, can you afford the house?

This.

What does he earn? If he's a very high earner sometimes that does mean putting in the hours.

BernardButlersBra · 01/07/2025 19:15

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 l would be done with him. He needs to step up and be less of a child

Pliudev · 01/07/2025 19:23

NormasArse · 29/06/2025 23:06

Is he very buff? He should be with the gym time he’s putting in.

That aside- he sounds like he’s already checked out. It’s actually easier to do it alone, and on your own terms, than to try to accommodate someone who doesn’t care.

Build your support network and tell him to feck off.

I agree. Working out twice a day doesn't really go with a new smoking habit does it? I think life might be better for you and your DC in the long run, if you tell him to go.

IberianBlackout · 01/07/2025 19:31

Gym and pub?

There’s someone he’s going to the gym for and it’s not you. If you’re still invested, I’d be checking who goes to the pub and who is he talking to when in there.

This as woman written all over it.

GintyM · 01/07/2025 19:32

You’ve clearly tried to raise things calmly and he just shrugs it off until you hit breaking point—then it’s all your fault. That’s not how grown-ups solve problems.

Onceisenoughta · 01/07/2025 19:45

This doesn't sound like a caring husband and father. If he treats you and your daughter as you describe (which I don't doubt at all) he's not going to magically change when child number 2 arrives.

I've been in your shoes & behaving as he does towards you is bad enough, towards your DD is worse - I didn't have a second child because of very similar behaviour, I left with her when she was 4. You deserve much better, put yourself and your children first, he doesn't have the qualities you need and he probably won't change xx

Oldwmn · 01/07/2025 19:57

Vibgyor · 29/06/2025 22:46

OP all of these extra hours make it sound like he is having an affair.

At best, he's regretting being married with a child & is pissed off because there's a second child on the way. Frankly, I'd get rid now. He won't improve. It'll be very hard to start with (I speak from experience) but worth it in the end.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 01/07/2025 20:23

Vibgyor · 29/06/2025 22:46

OP all of these extra hours make it sound like he is having an affair.

I thought the same thing.

But didn't want to say it.

Whatever this man is doing this living situation seems really loaded in his favour.

Mr Lord of the Manor!!!

Let him go and look out for yourself and tyou child

🙏🤞😻

samqueens · 01/07/2025 20:35

“All I want is him to be home more to help me and so I can have maybe even one evening to myself to do something for me”.

im really sorry to be harsh - but if this is what you want then you want him to be a completely different person. The person you’re describing will never do this and will never see why he should even consider it.

Your life would be easier if you weren’t married to him anymore - and that’s taking into account the toddler and the newborn, which is really saying something…

I’m sorry.

MrsMrsD · 01/07/2025 20:52

I'm really sorry OP but this really doesn't sound like a happy fulfilling marriage. I also suspect it will only get worse once baby 2 is here.

Is he really at the gym all that time? Do you believe him? Also, how absolutely dare he say he's 'given you' a bigger house!! Paying the bills doesn't make a man a good husband.