Does your DH hate when family visit?

[Justwanttobehappyx]

I live an hour away from my mum I usually see her once a month and she will stay for 3 days or so. However since my brother has moved nearer to us and I’ve needed the extra support as he is going through a lot of stuff she has been coming up every two weeks.

DH would always moan when she visited once a month and now it’s every two weeks he’s even worse. It just makes me so miserable i feel so stuck as he never wants her here but I need her help with my brother.

is your DH like this? Or would he in this situation. It’s making me miserable and I love spending time with mum too. She helps out with the kids & chores it takes some stress of me.

My only comment would be why does she need to stay for 3 days for an hour’s journey? She can just come and go back in a day? Or just stay for 1 night so she’s there for 2 days. Having a guests for 3 days every fortnight is too much IMO so I’m not surprised he’s getting annoyed.

He is being unreasonable if he is making either of you feel uncomfortable. However he is entitled to have his own limit. Can you alternate with going to see her? Or is it too much hassle to move brother and kids for a monthly visit?

Three days is too long in one go for most people

Thr hour drive is exhausting as it’s M6 always standstill traffic so always end up taking longer and I’d have to drive down up down and back up again.

Where mum lives aswell it’s a 55+ place it’s tiny and doesn’t comfortably fit us all in it doesn’t make sense

She's staying in your house for 1 week a month then? It's a bit much to have someone in your space that long?

Why isn't she staying with your brother and helping him?

Brothers in a house share.

Id be pissed off if I were your dp

So I am being unreasonable? 😂

It’s so difficult it’s not forever it’s just until my brother gets better really. I need another family to share the mental load as DH couldn’t give a crap.

It’s a lot so understand why he finds it too much. I personally would find that frequent a visit a bit too much.

Why does your brother need so much help from you and your mum, and what sort of help? You may qualify for carers allowance

I'm team husband on this one. Who wants their MIL staying every fortnight..much too intrusive.

Wait so you’re driving and picking her up and taking her home again? Why can’t she drive herself or take public
transport?

Why has your brother moved when he’s not self sufficient?
Sorry I’d be with your husband too. I couldn’t cope with my own family
in my home for that amount of time. Nevermind the inlaws. It’s just too much.

What’s the situation with your brother? Does he have additional needs, why is she helping so much?

I used to absolutely hate my MIL and there’s no way I could cope with her staying nearly a week every month, sorry.

A one hour drive is too much for her to do twice in one day or even two days, so she has to stay three? Seriously? That would really piss me off. My parents in law are a 55 minute drive away without traffic. If do my absolute nut if they were staying here three plus days every fortnight. Totally unnecessary.

No my DH doesn’t ever moan when my family stay, nor when we travel to see them. He often encourages me to book flights so they can come to visit soon.

1 hours drive is nothing! People do that and more for daily work commutes.
Your mum can pop round for a short visit.
I’m totally team husband.

Wouldn't it make more sense for your brother to move into a one bed and for your mum to stay on his couch?

Been married twenty years. My in-laws stayed the night once about 12 years ago. Never again. It’s an hour and a half journey - piece of piss to do in one day. They did it until they were about 82. We just go to them now. Couldn’t cope with three days.

I'm Team DP.

I am with you overall OP. You can't help the circumstances that necessitate this setup. You can't abandon your brother and neither can she. But, if this is not a short term thing then it runs the risk of some real resentment and unhappiness. He can't always be low down on the priority list and he can't be excluded from decisions about who is in his home and how much privacy there is. I feel for you and you have my sympathy

If she's staying for two or three days each time she comes and she's now coming once a fortnight then I'm not surprised your DP is getting fed up with it. She's only an hour away, there is really no need.

I suppose it depends what the issues are with your brother and whether his health problems are something he's likely to make a full and fairly quick recovery from. Because you say your DH couldn't give a crap about sharing the mental load of helping your brother, but perhaps he thinks why should he? Maybe he's getting tired of your brother being your main priority.

Do you have children? If your relationship, your family life and your DH's comfort and privacy in his own home always has to come second to you and your mum fussing around over your brother then that is going have a bad impact on your relationship.

An hour each way on the M6 is nothing - loads of commuters do it every day. I do it to meet my friend for lunch. There is no reason for your mum to stay so often and for so long, and I sympathise with your husband, OP. His house must feel like it's not his own, and I think you need to make some compromises.

Like most, I'm with your dp.

I wouldn't want my MiL staying with me 6 days a month.

I would also expect her to use public transport if she never bothered learning to drive, but only lives an hour away.

My parents lived a good 3 hour drive from us and did come to stay every few months for at least a couple of days when the children were small. DH was fine about it and we also had his mum and his brothers and their families stay as well. I didn't always love it but made the effort for his family as he did with mine.

BUT it sounds like your brother is quite demanding of your time and attention and having your mum for 3 days every fortnight is quite a lot - it's not surprising that your DH is getting pissed off. It's hard to just relax and be yourself with MIL in the house even if he gets on well with her. Perhaps he feels your family's problems are encroaching too much on family life?

I'm sure it would but if the brother is unwell and needs his mum and his sister to look after him, I doubt he's in a position to afford a one bed flat rather than a room in a house share.