Does your DH hate when family visit?

[Justwanttobehappyx]

I live an hour away from my mum I usually see her once a month and she will stay for 3 days or so. However since my brother has moved nearer to us and I’ve needed the extra support as he is going through a lot of stuff she has been coming up every two weeks.

DH would always moan when she visited once a month and now it’s every two weeks he’s even worse. It just makes me so miserable i feel so stuck as he never wants her here but I need her help with my brother.

is your DH like this? Or would he in this situation. It’s making me miserable and I love spending time with mum too. She helps out with the kids & chores it takes some stress of me.

This. Plus it's at the weekend so she is monopolising their family time.

Perhaps the husband is concerned about the OP being taken advantage of by her needy family and the impact this is having on them.

So your mum stays the whole weekend every other weekend.

I couldn’t have my mum or his mum that often. Hell one whole fri-mon would be far too much.

Weekends are the only time presumably that you get days together with your children but your husbands almost got a EOW deal with his mother in law moving in like separated parents only it’s in-laws. One week home one week there.

It would definitely be something I’d seriously considering leaving dh over or if not I’d be disappearing for those weekends entirely.

Children even adult children always revert and change their behaviour around their parents so I’ve no doubt you are a different person as such when mum moves in for the weekend.

I have my PIL over every other Sunday for a roast dinner so they can see their grandsons and spend time with us. They usually come by around 3pm and leave around 8:30-9pm and we all have a lovely time. I see my parents twice a week, usually at their house as they are retired, I don't work and my husband WFH. My parents come over to mine maybe once a month as they help my sister out with school runs during the week.

It's lovely to spend to time with family but I think your mum staying over for 3 nights is excessive. Neither DH or I have our parents stay over the night, but they do all live locally so there is no need.

When an OP posts that her DH/DP regularly goes out without any thought for her, making her the default parent and just assuming she'll do it, posters are in agreement that he is BU.

OP while you're busy helping your mum and brother do you expect him to do all the parenting on those weekends without ever discussing it with him?

Never mind any of the rest of these passengers. OP you sound like you are carrying quite the load, and no one is really helping. Do you want to be spending your weekend doing all this driving every other week? Is anyone grateful?

What is the long term plan with your brother and how long has he been like this? Because if there's no improvement in sight, you're looking at spending your children's younger years away from them while you take a grown man shopping. Is that what you want, and is that what you think is best for them?

Agree the husband is probably not helping as much as he should but also that he does have grounds for feeling unhappy. My concern though is that OP risks ending up in the worst of all worlds, where she's using all her time running around after others, and they still aren't satisfied and she's not happy either. Something here has to change.

It is not OPs husband’s job to help with her brother or mother. If OP is helping with her brother/mother she is putting her kids second, especially when they have to go I. The car to collect her mother. Imagine every other weekend not being able to relax in your own home because you have visitors.

Mum is 71 she will only get the train to the nearest train station where she doesn’t have to change over which is 45 mins from me. So this is what we have been doing I don’t drive all the way to her.

Right, so you saying earlier that you are doing a 200mile round trip, just wasn't true ?

I think OP is talking about the train station being 50 miles away. Everytime DM visits she has to drive to the station and bring DM back = 100 miles. The same trip in reverse when DM leaves takes you to 200 miles.

Assuming he works Mon-Fri, this means your DP only has half of his weekends where he can relax around his own immediate family? I think that’s too much, and without a time limit. Why can’t her visits happen during the week ? If you work, can’t you just organise the visits to better protect family time at weekend? Your brother may prefer that re appointments anyway. But I can see it’s annoying DP isn’t helping you by wrangling the three kids for the driving at least.

Yeah, I would not be happy with that kind of arrangement. And the frequency of her visits is increasing, not decreasing. It's gone from once a month to twice a month, what next? Every weekend? You move her in so you guys can take care of your brother while he parents the kids?

You're going to have to set some boundaries and there should be changes. Brother might need to be moved closer to your mom. Your mom might need to move closer to bro. But you're going to have to cut your mom's time staying in your home. It's going to come down to who are you going to prioritize, your bro and mom or your husband and kids.

The husband should not be expected to care for OP's bro, WTF. He's caring for his own family and working. He'd probably like some family time on weekends and take the kids somewhere, and shocker, have a date night.

I think the disconnect you and your husband have over how much time your mom is in your home and your caretaking could cost you your marriage.

My brother came to visit me today stayed 20 minute’s before DH started picking on him. So a bit of a plot twist I’ve kicked DH out! This man doesn’t want me to have anyone in my life I’m sure of it.

Im sick of it feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all of the time. I will have no one if I keep him in my life.

So you'd rather you had your brother staying with you than your children had their dad?

Are you going to keep expecting dh to fund you and your trailing around after your dm and db?

DB might have only been there 20 mins but for your DH, it probably feels like your family are never out the house. Unless there is a huge backstory I don’t understand how you can’t see this is unreasonable.

So you think it’s ok to pick on someone that is quite obviously vulnerable? I can’t even sit in the garden with my brother without him rushing down to create a bad atmosphere and start picking him apart. It’s bullying! He’s a vile nasty man. Regardless of what everyone thinks on this thread it’s me that’s had to live with him for all these years I’ve got no friend’s or anything anymore and it’s all because of him!!

Well you seem to think it's OK to not take into account any of his feelings or opinions?

You said it was only 20 minutes but presumably you intended for him to stay a lot longer. You might think that your brother’s MH issues are a short term thing but it reality they are probably not. Do you think this is fair on your children?

So we have a mil Friday - Monday EOW and it’s only Monday afternoon and the brothers there.

Im sure he will enjoy being kicked out.

Was your mom just here this weekend? And now your bro is over visiting?

I completely see your DH's point. He is not going to be able to have quiet enjoyment of his home without your family either being there or a visit coming up. Your bro's mental health issues have disrupted his family for you haven't said how long.

You've made your choice.

Can you finance your home by yourself?

You know what, I don't think having her to stay for a few days a fortnight is a big ask when you have a spare room. It's not disruptive like having someone sleeping on the sofa would be. You've got DC, so you and DH weren't going to get any privacy anyway.
DH sounds as if he is the problem, tbh, objecting when you spend time with your brother. Is that because you're then not around to do whatever it is he wants you to do?
I'd carry on as you are, maybe get Mum to get the train at least sometimes, maybe take the kids and Mum and brother all out together eg picnic in the park so that DH isn't having to do all the weekend child care ( which I very much doubt is the case).

You're a grown woman. If he's that bad you can separate.

Nope, YABU. It's disruptive even with the spare room. I wouldn't even want my own family staying that often/long.

He's probably OK with being kicked out.

Hopefully, you can finance the house on your own, OP. Seems the better solution for everyone.

Has he always been like this? You have 3 children with him, unless he is not the father of them. Why do you not have friends?

For the majority of people having an inlaw stay every other weekend would be an imposition (even in cultures where this is more common doesn't mean it is welcome or harmonious quite often a duty). So him not liking that many visits or having family round on a regular basis would be acceptable.

But you seem to have ramped up what his behaviour is like

Depends too if he agrees being kicked out... if it's a joint tenancy/mortgage don't think op can do this...

Sure. That's true.