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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your DH hate when family visit?

194 replies

Justwanttobehappyx · 29/06/2025 21:39

I live an hour away from my mum I usually see her once a month and she will stay for 3 days or so. However since my brother has moved nearer to us and I’ve needed the extra support as he is going through a lot of stuff she has been coming up every two weeks.

DH would always moan when she visited once a month and now it’s every two weeks he’s even worse. It just makes me so miserable i feel so stuck as he never wants her here but I need her help with my brother.

is your DH like this? Or would he in this situation. It’s making me miserable and I love spending time with mum too. She helps out with the kids & chores it takes some stress of me.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/06/2025 05:20

I wouldn't be happy if I were him either - your brother is an adult, let him get on with it, if he just eats pot noodles then it won't kill him

SandersNilestrom · 30/06/2025 06:02

I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t respect and care for my mother. Definite dealbreaker for me. Sorry Op. My husband was the one who made sure we had a spare room for her when we bought our current place.

crumblingschools · 30/06/2025 06:05

How much time are you spending with your DB?

Where do your in-laws fit in?

How much parenting does your DH do?

I couldn’t cope with in-laws staying every other weekend, and I wouldn’t make DH put up with my family that much either. Even once a month is quite a lot.

Does your DM have lots of friends where she is now? Is there a similar retirement flat complex near you? What is the plan with DB, will he always be living near you? Are his MH issues a long term thing? Is he usually independent?

Poopeepoopee · 30/06/2025 06:06

Just wanted to say I agree with posters and your husband - 3 days a week every fortnight is too much.

When was the last time you took your dh out for a pint? Maybe next time your mum comes up she can babysit and you can spoil your dh for one evening.

crumblingschools · 30/06/2025 06:08

@SandersNilestrom and do you care likewise for your in-laws?

And you can care and like your partner’s parents without having to have them stay every other weekend. If you did that with both sets of parents you wouldn’t have any free weekends.

RitaAndFrank · 30/06/2025 06:12

I think three days is too much. If traffic is the issue (and I get it, we live near a bastard of a motorway known for its queues) then can she not just plan ahead with her leaving times?
My dh would not be happy with it either! And fond as I am of my fil, I would struggle with it too.

RitaAndFrank · 30/06/2025 06:15

I’ll also say that this kind of thing can cause resentment to fester in the long term, because if your dh is being made to feel guilty for objecting and therefore feeling silenced this will probably build up, so do beware op.

Wilma55 · 30/06/2025 06:20

Does it have to be at weekends?

Ahsheeit · 30/06/2025 06:27

Sounds like your husband doesn't help you out much, and the fact that he resents you seeing your brother tells me that he's not keen on you doing stuff away from home, even when it doesn't impact him.

Even my knobhead ex would have sucked it up whilst your brother is so unwell.

Breathableflaps778 · 30/06/2025 06:35

Even if he finds it difficult, it’s very immature and unpleasant of your dh to be rude and blunt to your mum op and that isn’t acceptable at all. When a member of your other half’s family is in difficulty and needs support then everyone should rally around. I can see why the frequency of your mil’s visits could get to him a bit if it’s every other weekend but he should be expressing that to you in private and with respect, And you should come up with a time-line and compromise together.

Breathableflaps778 · 30/06/2025 06:38

How much does your dh help out with the kids and chores op?

And do you work ft op or could there be some way of arranging your mum’s visits when your dh is at work?

PollyHutchen · 30/06/2025 06:40

Early 70s is not that old. Most of the people I know of that age are adventurous and good health. If they don't drive, they take trains, buses and taxis. However good she is with the children and your brother, she sounds quite high maintenance.

I think it's understandable that your husband feels that your mother and brother are taking up a lot of your time and energy. This would be okay for a limited period/during a crisis. But it is dragging on and on.

Sherararara · 30/06/2025 06:50

So it’s ok for your mum to find a 1 hr trip on the m6 “exhausting” but not ok for your DH to be pissed at her staying over for days on end every month?
You put the wrong AIBU.

Jigaliga · 30/06/2025 06:54

What are the issues your brother has, specifically?

Can't your brother move to your mothers town?

What help do you need to give your brother? Is it just sitting with him and keeping him company and taking him shopping, or...?

How old is your brother?

I have a lot of sympathy for you all but im trying to work out whether there's any way your brother could or should be taking more responsibility for this situation, as while I understand MH issues can be debilitating, there are two women in this situation who are having their lives upturned here.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 30/06/2025 06:54

RitaAndFrank · 30/06/2025 06:15

I’ll also say that this kind of thing can cause resentment to fester in the long term, because if your dh is being made to feel guilty for objecting and therefore feeling silenced this will probably build up, so do beware op.

Totally agree.

You sound quite emotionally enmeshed with your family OP. i suspect even if your brother wasn't unwell you would still find a reason to need your mother to stay several days a month and would still run around driving her everywhere instead of asking her to get the train and picking her up and dropping her off at the station.

thebigyearahead · 30/06/2025 07:06

I’m with your DH. It’s too much. Your priority seems to be your Mum and providing support to your brother.
You have barely mentioned your three DCs. Your DH and kids should be priority no.1.

I have supported someone with severe mental health issues. It’s really hard and can be utterly draining, but at some point you have to step back look after your own priorities. I suspect your DH and DCs are feeling a bit second best

TwigletsAndRadishes · 30/06/2025 07:12

SandersNilestrom · 30/06/2025 06:02

I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t respect and care for my mother. Definite dealbreaker for me. Sorry Op. My husband was the one who made sure we had a spare room for her when we bought our current place.

Can you imagine the responses on here if a woman was told she should uncomplainingly accommodate her MIL six days a month, 2 x 3 overnights, being collected and taken home again on two hour round trips by her son, having two weekends a month hijacked when they have three children to look after, so that her husband and his mother could make an almost full time job out of looking after your depressed brother in law, because he says he needs to share the mental load?

If he's really severely depressed he won't be leaving the house much, so apart from doing a weekly grocery drop off of foods that are simple for him to prepare and taking some of his washing away and delivering it back again the following week, what does he actually need that anyone can really help with? The OP could do that in one morning each week, have a chat with him, check that he's he's taking his meds, then go again. Anything more is infantilising him and probably not helping anyway.

Responding to a medical emergency such helping out for a couple of weeks posts-surgery while someone convalesces is one thing, but this chronic ongoing MH situation could go on for years and I suspect it already has. This man has had his home, his wife, his weekends and his family routine hijacked, with no real end in sight. It's not surprising that he's running out of sympathy and patience.

Cherrysoup · 30/06/2025 07:17

So your Dh works in the week then has 2 out of 4 weekends taken up with your mum? When do you have family days with your dc? You say he doesn’t do the mental load but presumably he has to when you’re off helping your db/ferrying your dm and him around?

Jigaliga · 30/06/2025 07:33

Your brother could have groceries delivered to his house every week, and you could get a company to go and collect his laundry every 10 days.
You could also set up Zoom so you both take turns checking in with him every day, and then again take it in turns to visit him once a fortnight?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 30/06/2025 07:34

I get on really well with my FIL and DH has a good relationship with my parents, but we’d both draw the line at having any of them stay in our house for six nights a month - it’s just far too intrusive.

Your DH basically has to spend every other weekend with his mother in law in his own home 🫣

WhatNoRaisins · 30/06/2025 07:42

What sort of time limit are we talking about here? It sounds like your DH has reached the end of his rope with this arrangement, has this been going on for a while? What sort of recovery are you hoping for? Will he always need family support?

If your brother is going to need indefinite support it would make more sense for your DM to move nearer rather than keep on transporting and hosting her at a cost to your own marriage.

justkeepswimingswiming · 30/06/2025 07:45

My mum stays a week once or twice a year, but shes four hours away. 3 days for a hours journey every month is a lot. Cant you stay at hers?

whynotmereally · 30/06/2025 07:57

Why don’t you visit her for the day every couple weeks and maybe a few times a year (birthdays Xmas etc ) she comes for the weekend.

i would t want anyone staying that often either. To you she’s a extension of your family to him she’s a person in his house.

How much you help your brother is on you.

BernardButlersBra · 30/06/2025 07:57

Another team husband here. She's staying way too often and for too long. Both your mother and brother sound demanding to me. I would be careful about this turning into a permanent thing

HiRen · 30/06/2025 08:03

You are helping your brother at your DH’s expense. It’s one thing you doing a shop for him, taking him to appointments. Presumably you can do this around your responsibilities to your husband and children. But needing your mum to stay for three days, every two days, including driving 100miles each time to facilitate that, is too much. That means it takes you, your mum and your DH contributing to your brother’s upkeep. Presumably your children are involved too.

There’s nothing wrong with that per se. But if as the DH you didn’t sign up for it and don’t want it, you as the spouse don’t have a right to force him to accept the terms. You have to find another way. So it all your self. Ask DH to do some of the practical bits for your brother. Do online grocery shopping for him. Your mum can’t look after her son. Neither can you. Your brother can’t live independently. So maybe he shouldn’t.