Does your DH hate when family visit?

[Justwanttobehappyx]

I live an hour away from my mum I usually see her once a month and she will stay for 3 days or so. However since my brother has moved nearer to us and I’ve needed the extra support as he is going through a lot of stuff she has been coming up every two weeks.

DH would always moan when she visited once a month and now it’s every two weeks he’s even worse. It just makes me so miserable i feel so stuck as he never wants her here but I need her help with my brother.

is your DH like this? Or would he in this situation. It’s making me miserable and I love spending time with mum too. She helps out with the kids & chores it takes some stress of me.

I can understand you wanting to help out your family but honesty, this sounds horrendous. My absolute worst nightmare. That’s your entire weekend getting taken up every month never mind every fortnight with in-laws staying. And leaving on Monday if DH works on a Monday is in my opinion unacceptable unless it’s a one off emergency. You need some time to yourself before starting the week ahead. I appreciate it’s not coming from a bad place but I think you are being totally unreasonable.

He’s very lonely on his own also

But you said upthread he's in a house share? You need to get your story straight, what with this and the one-hour 100 mile trip 🤔

Yabu - I would absolutely hate this set up. I’m quite sure my husband, who actually often suggests I invite my parents for lunch/dinner (more so than his own parents), would also hate it.

This is way excessive. YABU. I’d feel really annoyed if my space was encroached on for an entire weekend every month.

I'm with your DH. Someone else living with you 6 days a month is a huge deal. I wouldn't cope with that.

I wouldn’t want my own DF staying that much, it also impacts the DC and what they are able to do especially if you are shuttling people around all the time

Has that always been your “role” in the family is to accommodate and do things for everyone else, otherwise you feel bad?

Presumably it’s a 100 round mile trip because the Op is driving to collect her mother - who doesn’t drive - and then driving home.

Just because the Ops brother lives in an house share that doesn’t mean he’s living with friends.

I’m very sympathetic to your commitment to your sibling, I would certainly do what I could to support mine. But I’m afraid I would also find it quite difficult to have a relative staying 6 days a month.

Do you think that you could realistically put a timeline on this - say X weeks/months and then review. Is your brother receiving any other support from health services or relevant MH charities?

First, my DH never moans about my family, nor do I about his. For me it was really important that each of us would treat the other's family as we would treat our own. But I don't see why someone an hour away needs to stay that often. I would find that stressful even if it were my own family.

@Notonthestairs You can't do 100 miles in an hour anywhere in this country, let alone in standstill traffic (OP's own words) on the M6.

I adore my in laws but I couldn’t have them staying in my house for 3 days every 2 weeks. That’s A LOT. Almost a week a month.

I couldn’t cope with my own parents staying that often either.

DH and I are both uncomfortable when in the presence of our in-laws. We’ve been together for 23 years.

I assumed 50 miles in an hour. 100 mile as the round trip.
200 miles over the weekend.

How old is your mother @Justwanttobehappyx ?

As you have small dc, and as she is coming to support her ds, I'm going to presume she isn't late 80s and somewhat doddery?
If she has never learned to drive, I think it is reasonable to assume she is therefore used to using public transport ?
So I'm still not clear why she can't do that.

OP: "200 mile round trip with 3 kids is too much it doesn’t make sense".

That's why OP won't go to her mum's, not the current arrangement. The round trip is 200 miles, but somehow only an hour each way.

Bloke here.

Could be hard work for that it they’re difficult.

Could be relief it my in-laws are were amazing.

Mine are somewhere in between. Probably hard work but I do want them to know their grandchildren and vice versa. Would probably put up with it.

Three days a month would be too much for me and DH, let alone three days every couple of weeks. With all this driving back and forth and having your mother stay over how are you fitting in family time with your husband and three kids?
Can your brother move closer to your mum or vice versa?

If your mum doesn't drive, how does she help with getting him to appointments and doing his shopping? If he's lonely is she visiting him at the houseshare or taking him out or are they both at yours?

As pp have said would you be happy if it was your in-laws who stayed that often? Do they get to visit you or does your DM staying mean they can't? How much leisure time do you get with DH without your DM present or you disappearing to deal with your DB?

Also how likely is recovery for DB? Is he likely to relapse? Your DH might think that this is what life is always going to look like, and may get worse as your DM ages and you are supporting her more. That may not be what he wants.

You said you don't want to move your DM to your area which is understandable, but how full is her life where she currently is? Does her life revolve around the time you spend with her or is she active in her own community? There's a big difference between hosting an active person with lots of interests and someone whose life is focused on their time with you.

Is his issue that she taking your attention away from him?

Thank you for reading the thread and understanding I’m not sure what was so difficult.

Yes happy to put a time limit on it but DH just wants it all to end now I can’t compromise with him at all. Goes no where

Mum is 71 she will only get the train to the nearest train station where she doesn’t have to change over which is 45 mins from me. So this is what we have been doing I don’t drive all the way to her.

My brother can drive but doesn’t like to go too far. He won’t go shopping on his own and literally would survive of pot noodles. So I go shopping with him every week mum will go if she’s here and the same with appointments.

DH says I change when mum is here. But I don’t know how. He can be quite rude and blunt in making it obvious that he doesn’t want her here so my behaviour towards him probably does change.

How long has this been going on? It doesn’t sound like you have compromised to date and the stays have gone from monthly to fortnightly. I think it’s reasonable he wants it to stop now.

I haaaaate people staying in my home. Visits this frequently would be incredibly draining and I would be unhappy too.

I think some people don't find their own families draining and so they are oblivious to the impact it has.

so every second weekend his weekends are not his? No , sorry , it’s too much.

Do you work op? Re If your mum doesn't drive, how does she help with getting him to appointments and doing his shopping? If he's lonely is she visiting him at the houseshare or taking him out or are they both at yours? are you taking the dc out on all these journeys and trips or are you leaving them at home? Very much team dh.