Does your DH hate when family visit?

[Justwanttobehappyx]

I live an hour away from my mum I usually see her once a month and she will stay for 3 days or so. However since my brother has moved nearer to us and I’ve needed the extra support as he is going through a lot of stuff she has been coming up every two weeks.

DH would always moan when she visited once a month and now it’s every two weeks he’s even worse. It just makes me so miserable i feel so stuck as he never wants her here but I need her help with my brother.

is your DH like this? Or would he in this situation. It’s making me miserable and I love spending time with mum too. She helps out with the kids & chores it takes some stress of me.

To add my parents are 1 hour 45 minutes away. Also down the m6. They come
for the day. Haven’t stayed overnight for about 7 years. They are both mid seventies and manage the drive just fine

My mum doesn’t drive.

My dh invites my family over himself. He loves them and loves having family/friends over. I feel sorry for your mum as I’ll bet she picks up on it. Totally out of order.

If my MIL came to stay once a month I would be divorced

Posters are comparing their own situations to that of the OP.

There are clearly reasons why the OP needs her mum’s support.

Could you talk to your mum and make it every three weeks, OP? That way you’d be showing some compromise without losing your support.

I think that’s quite a lot especially as she’s not that far.

Why do you need support to look after your brother?

This whole set up has an enmeshed feel about it…

I drive an hour each way to commute for
work! There’s no way that needs an overnight, let alone 3 days at a time.

My family are 1.5hrs away, we do that just for lunch sometimes!

Definitely too much @Justwanttobehappyx, team husband on this.

My DH gets on really well with my parents but even he would get fed up of having my mum for 3x days twice a month. That’s a lot of time to have someone else in the house.

Is it likely to be a short-term thing? If so we’d probably manage to get on with it but I think you need to space the visits out or shorten them. Why can’t you pick her up on Day 1 and take her home the next day if you don’t want to do all the driving on the same day? Or she gets a train part of the way?

I'm with your DP. I wouldn't be happy with that either.

200 mile round trip with 3 kids is too much it doesn’t make sense. She usually comes on a Friday evening and leaves Sunday evening or Monday morning.

Brother has MH issues so it’s mainly just having another family around really. Help him with shopping or any appointments he has. He’s very lonely on his own also.

DH kicks up a fuss even when I go to check in on him.

How can it be both an hour away on the M6 and 100 miles away?

DH definitely (and rightly) would not be ok with me making a unilateral decision for mum to move in 25% of the time.

It seems like it’s far too much and I wonder if this has become a default - can she reduce the days if she can’t reduce the frequency? can your brother go to hers? Can she stay at hotel/airbnb?

what specifically does DP ‘moan’ about her visits? does she act independently in your home or is she always just there?

have you agreed with dp that your mum is an important part of the household working? Or that she needs to care for her son? Or given him the option of stepping up or agreeing other solutions together?

Your DH is right about feeling put out but you're right in that you need help.

The 2 options really are:

1. Your mum needs to move closer to yourself and brother to help more if that's what's needed

1. Still live there she is, but needs to make her own travel arrangements and either stay with your brother or a hotel.

Just read the thread.

Perhaps your brother should move to be closer to your mum. Then she can help him and he can drive her to visit you.
His MH issues aren’t going to go away so I can see your husbands concerns. You have 3 children. They are meant to be your priority. Not spending 2 weekends a month driving your mum back and forth when she can get the train to visit you. Not helping your adult brother with his shopping.

Your husband seems to be so low down on your list of priorities I can see why he’s pissed off. I would be too.
Leave your mum to help your brother and focus on your own family

My daily commute to work is 1-1.5 hours each way, it’s not ideal as a commute but it doesn’t warrant a 3+ day stay.
it sounds like actually you’ve got too much on your plate and you’re a bit lonely dealing with it all, so you’re bringing your mum to help you and be your partner in it.
so I suppose I’d ask why dh isn’t your partner or why you can’t reduce your work load particularly if the current set up is causing a strain on your marriage.

fwiw I’d move out if my in laws were going to be there for a week a month

Thanks I think your right mum has been thinking about moving closer but she’s getting older now i dont think it’s the best idea to start over again somewhere new.

Hotel or airbnb I agree with but just seems a waste of money especially when we have a spare room.

I think people have missed the fact that the ops husband does fuck all to help her, doesn’t support her, and that’s precisely why she needs her mum.

id start a new thread op about why you do everything and how little your husband supports you, and you might find the answers to your actual problem - an unequal relationship- rather than a little side problem which has arisen as a consequence

I did. You said your mum lived about an hour away and then that it was a 200 mile round trip with the kids.

At a whole week a month it isn't a spare room, it's her room and it's invading your relationship.

Someone posted about your DH not helping. I've assumed that hes working or has less time available to help with those things your mum does. Is there a middle ground.

Could you cut her visits down by asking your do to contribute? If your brother isn't comfortable with him coming to help, could dh do things with the kids to give you more time.

I would be fuming if my DP set up an arrangement such as this. I’d be looking to move out and leave you to it.

You can’t seriously think this is in anyway reasonable?

Can't she get a train? How old is she? I would be looking at her moving. Unless shes 75+ then I understand the hesitation

If I had my MIL staying every other weekend, Friday to Sunday evening, I wouldn’t like it one bit.

Ive only read a few comments. You sound like a lovely daughter. My OH wouldn’t be happy with it. It’s so hard balancing the needs of family, partner and then yourself… my family lived abroad and would stay in my lounge for a week at a time maybe twice a year, my partner hated it. If I’d only had myself to consider I wouldn’t have minded at all. Now they live in the same town it’s much easier and less intense. I don’t think you are being unreasonable but then I also don’t think he’s being unreasonable… there’s a happy medium somewhere, you just need to discuss it, which may be an awkward convo to be had. Good luck 🍀

No my DH would not have problem with this
No decent person would