Does your DH hate when family visit?

[Justwanttobehappyx]

I live an hour away from my mum I usually see her once a month and she will stay for 3 days or so. However since my brother has moved nearer to us and I’ve needed the extra support as he is going through a lot of stuff she has been coming up every two weeks.

DH would always moan when she visited once a month and now it’s every two weeks he’s even worse. It just makes me so miserable i feel so stuck as he never wants her here but I need her help with my brother.

is your DH like this? Or would he in this situation. It’s making me miserable and I love spending time with mum too. She helps out with the kids & chores it takes some stress of me.

Hotel?

Nope my hubby does not mind family staying at all at anytime as do the huge extended family, sometimes it's spur of the moment sometimes it's planned sometimes it's overnight sometimes a week. I find it bizarre you can't drive an hour to see your mum yourself and either stay with her, return home after a day together or stay in a cheap Travelodge. Until recently my parents lived almost 2 hours away and I took the kids down twice a week and they came to stay twice a month for a few days. Handy they live 10mins away now near me my brother's and sisters but even them we still stay over with them randomly or my mum will come for a night or two for a good chingwag

Nice. Really understanding of the brothers mental health challenges.
the mum and brother visits might be annoying but it’s pretty clear the dps preferred level of op family is zero and he’s willing to be unpleasant about anything over that. I wouldn’t be able to live with that.

I'm with you OP.
I never understand people who marry family oriented people and resent the fact later on.
Like your own space for nuclear family only and do not want regular contact with in laws and partner's extended family? Hitch yourself to someone similar.

Glad he has gone!

cross posted

I hope you called the police about him breaking your windows. As he is getting violent, you need to try and get a restraining order.

So he pays nothing towards household expenses or his own children? You are well rid of him.

Great choice. You have chosen to support someone who contributes no money to the household or the kids and has just broken the windows. He is obviously an abusive freeloader.

As OP's husband contributes absolutely nothing to the bills or the children, he is in no position to make ultimatums about 'not allowing' OP's mum to stay.

As he has just broken the windows, hopefully he will be arrested and not allowed back.

It's unreasonable for your mum to stay that much. I wouldn't be able to live happily with my mil doing that.
But, your last 2 updates are very different to the first few. Of he's so vile and aggressive don't be with him.

If in England I don’t think you can lock someone out of the marital home, regardless of who owns it, unless there is a court order in place.

I have a mental illness too, it's my problem, it can't be 'fixed' by anyone else. But thanks for the sarcasm.

OP is choosing to do a load of driving for the mother who refuses to use an easier train route and to learn to drive, and the brother can drive.

Anyway, all sounds stressful and awful. Hopefully she can work towards rectifying that.

Good luck OP. It sounds that there was much more than your mum's visits that was wrong in your marriage.

On a practical point. Your mum (or you can) book assistance travel by train for free. They will help her on and off both trains. She could get one that is easier for you.

Possibly, she should try to get a place near your brother or you.

I am sorry you have become isolate from friends.

Does your Mum ever babysit so you can go out on a weekend evening?

I’ve read all the updates and I still come down on team husband. He might not be a prize but I don’t think the OP is even trying to give him a fair showing here. He went part time to look after the kids after she had their last DC so that she could continue to run her business. Can you imagine if a man wrote this and then kicked his wife out when she had the audacity to act as if her home was HERS and not her in-laws?

Who the hell is looking after their children?? If/when they split he’ll get half the house, 50% of the children, and spousal support. She’ll continue to prioritise her DB and DM and badmouth him all over town but never look inwards at her own behaviour. It’s like she wanted a sperm donor rather than a husband.

My advice would be to spend your time and energy getting your own house in order - eg a shed load of counselling and taking accountability for the impact of your actions on DH and DC - before sorting out your DM and DB.

What would a fair showing look like? Her DH only works part-time and doesn't contribute financially at all. So he lives off OP and his wages are just for him to spend on himself? Plus, he has just broken the windows of the house. That isn't the behavour of a reasonable man.

There's a lot of difference between not being a prize and being a violent waste of space.

Well, I suppose given that the OP does not sound like she’s giving a balanced view of their family life, I’d start by giving him the benefit of the doubt. We don’t know the ages of her 3DC but he only went part time after no.3 was born so let’s assume that he was picking up childcare duties.

If she has “thrown him out” of their shared home with only the clothes on his back and won’t let him back in whilst she sits in the garden to “support” her DB then I think it would be justified for him to break (eg) a single glazed pane next to the front door to let himself in to access his children and belongings.

Without hearing his side it sounds like she is the one leaning more towards being abusive and controlling. She “owns everything” according to her and dictates who comes and goes in their family home and kicks off if he has an opinion about it. Those aren’t the words of someone who views their partner as an equal. She wants her own way and also wants him to like it!! She’s posted on AIBU and despite overwhelming support for her DH refuses to accept that he might have a point. She doesn’t seem to be open to any introspection along the lines of “I don’t like that my husband doesn’t like my behaviour so what can I change about how I act that will make the situation better?”. Something along those lines would give me more confidence that she was being fair.

if a close relative or someone you love is unwell some of us do prioritize their needs, not because we want to necessary but because we have too. There is very little support for persons with MH issues and less for family who are affected. You are been a supportive sister and daughter. You are doing the very best you can, so well done on that and I hope your brother can get some support that will lessen the need for your involvement. as far as your DH is concerned he should be a better support to you, if MIL staying is a problem perhaps he should of looked into alternative options and maybe share workload with you not bully your brother and be generally mean. You are under quite a bit of stress trying to manage been Mom, daughter, sister and wife and i dont see anyone appreciating it only your Mother who also supports son,, so its good to take some time to process taughts.If he is breaking windows thats not right,,,tell him you need space for a few days and then meet and chat if its safe to do so....dont overreact, you are under alot of pressure...

I love all of my own family and we’re very close and I love all of my DH family too, no issues with anyone however I would HATE having any of them stay every single month for days at a time.

Your mum lives an hour away it isn’t exactly far. There’s really no need for her to stay every time and I can see your husbands POV.

Yes YABU. It’s a lot to have have visitors every month for 3 days, every 2 weeks is an unreasonable ask if he’s not ok with it