Relatives living with us - no jobs

[BunnyVV]

we have some relatives from overseas staying with us. I agreed to help them with somewhere to stay and sustenance until they got jobs etc.
i have welcomed them into my home and treated them as family. Things are not easy for us due to the cost of living but I am very good at budgeting. We eat well thanks to good prep for home-cooking. I work hard and earn moderately well but the mortgage etc is big. I enjoy some nice things, eg a glass of posh gin on a Saturday, gym membership etc because I prefer not to spend elsewhere (beauty treatments, takeaways).
the problem is that they are not trying hard enough to get work, or they turn down what they don’t fancy (eg have to get 2 buses to get there).

it’s been 10 weeks. They do not have anything full-time. They agreed they’d take bar work whilst looking for something better, but that’s not happening. I’m tired of sharing nice things 10 weeks on. I need to find the courage to tell them that the smoked salmon is only for me, the gin is only for me, please don’t eat the whole bar of green & blacks chocolate because I like a square at night sometimes. It’s not right I go to the cupboard and theres none there. I need to tell them not to touch the nibbles and beer I keep in a cupboard for unexpected visitors. but I feel like a horrible person in doing so.
they have no income. But my income cannot sustain this any more. I don’t want to stop buying things that I like to have in my own kitchen. I work hard and I get to chose what’s in my fridge and cupboards. why do they eat smoked salmon instead of ham? When the smoked salmon runs out, then they eat the ham.
they seem completely oblivious to the problem. I didn’t set any ground rules because I didn’t imagine it would get to this point. I assumed they’d be gone 40 hours a week working.
how do I sit there and enjoy a posh gnt on a sunny evening whilst they sit there and watch me whilst drinking water?!??? I end up not enjoying the gnt.

Amanda Holden's advice is very good, but OP is still clearly going to find it difficult to implement. Like any other unpleasant thing that has to be done, you are just going to have to do it. Look at it like a chore which you really hate but which has to be completed.

I think your guests are behaving atrociously. You can set ground rules but you shouldn't have to, it's one of those incredibly frustrating situations where people don't behave as they should and therefore you have to step out of your comfort zone to put it right but even if you tell them they will still be the kind of person who thought it was ok to help themselves to lots of expensive food and not contribute and not bother to work hard.

Anyone in the guest's situation should know not to continually take expensive food without contributing, to get a job asap to stop being a burden, and to help out around the house wherever possible in the mean time. They know they're being allowed to stay in order to give them a helping hand towards a better life, not to relax on an extended holiday while OP slaves for their luxuries. Ridiculous.

I think your conversation needs to be really specific OP - they need to earn x amount by x date and if they are not doing so they need to return home.

Yikes - you seem to have some big time boundary issues. Please, if nothing else, use this as an opportunity to address those - you will be happier in the long term.

One has to wonder what ground rules you established before they arrived? Did you give them a time limit? Did you tell them they needed to contribute in terms of rent and food? If they are from overseas do they actually even have permission to work in the UK??? Or are they just using you as an extended vacation home?

Sadly you're going to have to put your foot down now - it would have been easier to do this before they arrived but that' ship has sailed.

Tell them exactly when they need to leave. Tell them how much they need to be contributing in terms of food/chores/bills until the date they need to leave. And make very sure that they are not using your name/address etc to sign up for any kind of debts/credit cards etc etc. Oh, and get yourself some lockable storage and put your special food in it - and tell them that if they want treats and booze that they need to buy it themselves.

Ideally get yourself some therapy and ask yourself why you put yourself in situations like this in the first place? Do you often find you are too agreeable and end up in situations where you feel you are being taken advantage of? Do you have trouble establishing boundaries? All very treatable if you are willing to put in the work and to confront your problems and the reasons why you act in the ways that you do.

Charge them rent for board and lodging, they’ll soon the message.

Get rid!

@BunnyVV you're getting a bit of a hard time here from some posters.

I totally get your attitude: you've had a generous helping hand in your life, you've worked hard and established yourself, and you're paying forward that generosity.

Any normal ethical thinking person would see your generosity and not take the piss. They'd be eager to find work, to contribute & to thank you for your help. They'd buy your groceries, they'd do some housework, they'd help. And they'd get jobs, so that they can stand on their own two feet.

These two relatives are behaving atrociously. Entitled & spoilt.

You need to give them a date by which you expect them to be moving into their own accommodation and fending for themselves. It will be a really difficult conversation, but you need to have it.

Maybe you could rehearse what you might say on this thread? Or get some feedback about what house rules you could establish until they leave eg. They need to contribute to the household costs even in a token way. And that you will make available what food/drink is for everyone, and what is yours, not to be touched by anyone else - your DH and DC don't snaffle all your chocolate, for example.

You're being too polite for these people. It's hard when you're a polite, generous & hard-working person yourself.

Good luck !!

Brilliant!!!

the boundaries are just general etiquette to any person who is living in someone else’s house. Pay your way or, if you can’t, eat what you know to be “cheaper” food. Ham and cheese sarnie, not smoked salmon for lunch until theres none left. Don’t help yourself to a gin and tonic until you’re earning enough money to buy a bottle for the drinks cupboard.
this is basic etiquette and other people in the past have lived with us in harmony in that way.

This is pretty standard @BunnyVV and you're not unreasonable to expect that behaviour & attitude.

My dad used to take in lodgers from the EU so that they could find jobs, they would either be saving money to go home and get married, or find something more permanent and stay (this was before Brexit). The vast majority would work multiple minimum wage jobs before gradually finding better positions, I was endlessly impressed at how hard they would work, and how respectful they were sharing my dad's home. They would cook for him and be good companions, in turn he would take them on trips to different places to teach them the British culture. It was mutually beneficial, so I can totally understand why you've been doing the same - you made the most of your good fortune and you're paying it forwards. It's a shame some people don't seem to get it.

Sometimes, certain people need a bit more encouragement than others. I wonder if this pair are not a good influence on each other? People can easily get a bit cheeky if they get too comfortable, and when there's another person who is doing the same lazy behaviour it's easier to think it's ok. You're right that 10 weeks is way too long. It's time to sit these two down and have a though talk with them. What would their friends and relatives think of them at home? Are they not a little bit embarrassed that they haven't made anything of themselves yet despite being given such a rare opportunity? Would they take advantage of someone like this in their hometown?

Hey X and Y, I think we need a family chat. When i said you could stay was expecting it to be a couple of weeks but were coming up to 3 months and I'm struggling financially with this set up.

I can give you 4 weeks to find a place but on Z date you'll need to move out because I can't afford to continue any longer. I hope you understand and will help you any way I can.

OP
Please ask them what their plans are going forward .
It's been 10 weeks how long do they expect you to subsidise them.
Sorry, it doesn't matter who's relatives they are, but they are taking advantage . People like this see manners as a sign of weakness .
Stand up for yourself .

@caligirl it has been explained several times, they are not in the UK and so the right to work there is not relevant. They can get jobs.

I would tell them in advance that there are a few things that need to be discussed. Thats all. It gives them time to think what might be coming. When you do have the conversation, sit them down and stand over them. This will give you a feeling of control and keep standing. Dont let them move untill they tell you they will get a job and how its going to happen. You then tell them they have two weeks to get a job or they will have to go home. You have the control, if they fall out with you you tell them they have to leave but i doubt that will happen. Also the new rules regarding food. Good luck ,you can do this.

We had some young Aussie relatives of DH staying with us some years ago, their mother wrote and asked if they could come for a couple of weeks. They sat around all day in their room, appeared for meals and then disappeared again, never went out. Two weeks in we discovered that they planned to stay for the year. Next day DH had them packed and leaving.

Tell them they have had 10 weeks and they need to start paying their way, now. So bar work/stacking shelves needs to happen straight away- otherwise they have to leave.

YANBU OP. When you think things are well understood by everyone involved and all the others who have come over have understood the norms, it can be a shock to be faced with people who blithely ignore it all and make you regret your offer of assistance. Write out what you want to say and practice on your DH. Then sit them down and tell them. Have a few stock phrases you can pull out if they protest or try to convince you it will all be different so you don't leave the conversation unfinished.

Giving them a deadline is one approach, but I think LurkyMcLurkinson's idea of telling them they obviously aren't cut out for this and discussing how they will head back is better. They do not have what it takes to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. They are ignoring the normal understanding of how they should be taking advantage of your accommodation because they don't want that life. You can't make a success of a big move like that if you aren't driven and prepared to throw yourself into it, won't take whatever opportunities are going and want to be picky about stuff.

So if they stay, even if they do get a job in two weeks and start making some contribution, they are likely to need several more kicks up the backside to get to a situation where they're really standing on their own two feet. And it will be you having to do the kicking each time and supporting all the while.

Hi OP. I've read all your messages but haven't had time to read everyones so excuse me if i'm repeating!
Can I assume that the family staying are very young? I only ask as yes it is very lazy of them but knowing from my 3 sons, 2 of them would be out working earning money, the other would need a bomb up his bum and a good talking to to realise what he was doing is wrong. He's lazy in thought rather than in body. Holds a full-time job and is up at 5am most mornings but the days he's not he's in bed til mid day and wouldn't think to put the bins out.
I think an honest frank discussion and maybe leaving them their own shelf in the fridge and a cupboard informing them those items that they've bought and only those items are for them to 'help themselves'. Anything else is a wait to be offered. Only when they are limited to food etc. will they feel the need to work.
At the moment your kindness is just enabling them. It is a lovely thing you are doing though OP. x

I would be interested to know if they are Australian or kiwis !! My friend shacked up many years ago with a great looking and fun Aussie guy who used to invite all his mates over to stay in ‘her’ flat - and both he and his mates expected the fridge to be stocked up with top of the range tiger prawns, smoked salmon and top of the range wine and other such ( Xmas luxuries) type produce all year round - and yep she was paying - and she had a friend in a very similar situation too -seems an awful lot of them whilst sociable and fun were perfectly happy to be freeloading cheapskates - sorry any Aussies on here , I’m sure some are perfectly great guests, but in my experience you’ve got a reputation here in UK for this kind of freeloading ( mainly male by the way)

I would check their EU passport gives them the right to work here- my understanding is that after Brexit this right is not universal (I'm not sure it ever was universal-my mother moved to France and she could not work merely with an EU passport). It may be they are dragging their feet and making the most of your hospitality because they have been told by potential employers they can't employ them without a work visa.

Can you put your salmon etc in a carrier bag within fridge and put your name on it? That’s what I would do. They might get the hint. Maybe they think you are really well off and don’t mind? You need to let them know without it then becoming an issue. Does your husband say anything?

@Laurmolonlabe AGAIN, Brexit and the right to work in the UK is irrelevant, they are NOT IN THE UK. Does no-one ever read the thread? They can and need to get jobs right away. (And if your mother has an EU passport she does have the right to live and work in France, just as much as a French person).

That's not what the French authorities said, this was pre Brexit.

This is a helpful model for preparing, structuring and delivering difficult conversations:

The COIN model:

Context:
This initial step sets the stage by providing the background or situation in which the feedback is relevant.

Observation:
The next step involves describing specific, factual observations of the behavior or situation. It's crucial to avoid subjective judgments and stick to observable facts.

Impact:
This step focuses on explaining the consequences of the observed behavior or situation, both for the individual and potentially for the team or organization.

Next Steps:
Finally, the conversation shifts to collaboratively agreeing on specific actions or behaviors to improve or address the situation in the future.

Write it out. Practice it and then deliver it and walk away. You could follow up with a avery brief factual text on what was 'agreed'.

You expect them to behave in the way you would behave or in the way the previous visitors behaved. They aren't behaving in that way because they aren't you and they aren't the previous visitors either.
You need to tell them what the expectations and boundaries are.

How long will you continue to house and feed them if they don't have jobs? Tell them what you expect them to do and give them a deadline. If they don't they will have to leave and either rent a place or go home.

You don't want them eating expensive food, chocolates, drinking gin etc. Tell them there are x number of family meals per day. If they need a snack during the day they can have fruit or toast or they can buy something themselves. They are not to touch the smoked salmon, chocolate, whatever. If they keep doing it I'd remind them every time and I would lock the treats away.

You're very shocked that they aren't behaving the way you or the previous visitors would. You need to stop being shocked and tell them. You've been quite snippy with people on here so I'm pretty sure you've got it in you to have a straightforward conversation with them.

As you try to deliver your speech, they will interrupt and you won't get out all you want to say.
I have found in the past the best way is to write them a letter, leave it in their room, they can read it, re-read it, think about it together. Then you can discuss it. It works.