Relatives living with us - no jobs

[BunnyVV]

we have some relatives from overseas staying with us. I agreed to help them with somewhere to stay and sustenance until they got jobs etc.
i have welcomed them into my home and treated them as family. Things are not easy for us due to the cost of living but I am very good at budgeting. We eat well thanks to good prep for home-cooking. I work hard and earn moderately well but the mortgage etc is big. I enjoy some nice things, eg a glass of posh gin on a Saturday, gym membership etc because I prefer not to spend elsewhere (beauty treatments, takeaways).
the problem is that they are not trying hard enough to get work, or they turn down what they don’t fancy (eg have to get 2 buses to get there).

it’s been 10 weeks. They do not have anything full-time. They agreed they’d take bar work whilst looking for something better, but that’s not happening. I’m tired of sharing nice things 10 weeks on. I need to find the courage to tell them that the smoked salmon is only for me, the gin is only for me, please don’t eat the whole bar of green & blacks chocolate because I like a square at night sometimes. It’s not right I go to the cupboard and theres none there. I need to tell them not to touch the nibbles and beer I keep in a cupboard for unexpected visitors. but I feel like a horrible person in doing so.
they have no income. But my income cannot sustain this any more. I don’t want to stop buying things that I like to have in my own kitchen. I work hard and I get to chose what’s in my fridge and cupboards. why do they eat smoked salmon instead of ham? When the smoked salmon runs out, then they eat the ham.
they seem completely oblivious to the problem. I didn’t set any ground rules because I didn’t imagine it would get to this point. I assumed they’d be gone 40 hours a week working.
how do I sit there and enjoy a posh gnt on a sunny evening whilst they sit there and watch me whilst drinking water?!??? I end up not enjoying the gnt.

They arrived with a passport that allows them to work. 10 weeks is more than plenty. Most people would find something within 2 weeks, even just bar or restaurant staff. They have been offered work but they don’t like the travel time of 2 buses!

the boundaries are just general etiquette to any person who is living in someone else’s house. Pay your way or, if you can’t, eat what you know to be “cheaper” food. Ham and cheese sarnie, not smoked salmon for lunch until theres none left. Don’t help yourself to a gin and tonic until you’re earning enough money to buy a bottle for the drinks cupboard.

this is basic etiquette and other people in the past have lived with us in harmony in that way.

So you think it’s not ok that I posted here?

You need to have used words with these young people who you have assumed would follow in the path of other relatives from at least 6 years ago - how would these young people know that you expect them to follow a process that they were not party to due to likley being young children at the time in a remote place?

Its on you to use your words.

Get on with it.

What do you want people here to say?

So are you looking for ideas on what to do or just for people to agree with you that it's common courtesy not to eat the fancy food, etc?

We had other peopke stay quite a while. They worked a lot and made friends so we rarely saw them. I’m quite easy going. Early starts and late coming home didn’t bother me.
They paid a token rent and ate normally… a slice of toast for breakfast , lunch at work, simple pasta for dinner if they got home late, or they ate with us. If they consumed alcohol they’d always buy a bottle back next time they went shopping and stick it in the drinks cupboard or a pack of beers in the fridge.

Most people would find something within 2 weeks, even just bar or restaurant staff.

Agree. So what was your contribution to the discussions, decisions, guidence 8 weeks ago and every day, day in, day out since?

They have decided that getting two buses is inconvenient because they have free food , free board and don’t pay any bills . There is no sense of urgency
You are simply too nice Op and as a result they are taking the piss

How can people legally come to work here if they have no funds to support themselves whilst getting settled, have no prearranged work. Have you acted as guarantor?

I don’t understand - do they have a work visa? What kind of visa etc do they have to stay here 10 weeks?

Which sounds fine, and I can see why you thought this lot would, but they aren't so you could say previous guests have done x and I'll need you to do that or to leave by the end of July.

Ok so you say a passport they have… like a UK dependency?

Not the UK.

Maybe the message is shown at grocery store. Bring them with you.

When you get to the till, say it. My shop is usually X, now it’s 3X. You need to get jobs and start contributing or go home. I can’t afford feeding you.

Then be upset, walk out without paying. Leave them at the till.

There's no point arguing with people on MN about this. Your relatives/guests don't understand and you need to explain it to them. What do you want? Do you want them to leave? If so, tell them we can't afford this, we thought you'd have a job by now and be contributing to the food bills etc. please leave. If you don't mind but want them to contribute then you should kindly explain this to them. They have been doing it for long enough without being told it's not on, so that is partly your responsibility. It's not fair for them to take the piss, it's not fair for you to have not said a word about if for months and thus encourage them to feel that it's all good and then blindside them with your resentment. Whatever you decide, do it firmly but kindly. And then if they respond badly, kick them out.

Well they ARE taking the piss and you’re the one here complaining about them, you’ve certainly landed yourself some grifters. Plenty of good advice from previous posters yet you seem determined to ignore it. Enjoy paying for your lodgers indefinitely OP. Better start hiding your gin and chocolate 🤣

I certainly wouldn't have them in the house while I was wfh. They can go out.

If they're young could you get in touch with their parents to say they aren't sticking to the agreement and get them to have a word? Maybe say you will send them back home if there's no improvement.

OP is being used like a mug.

Why did you even offer to help at the expense of your own family?

Great - say all of that to them!

Yeah they could be getting a bar job but maybe they are holding out. Moving to a foreign country is tough tough tough so I have a lot of sympathy which you don’t have because probably you haven’t done it.

They are family, you invited them to stay and now they are making themselves at home. Frankly if my family visits I don’t tell them to eat ham when there is smoked salmon in the fridge I just say help yourself (and yes I have had family stay for weeks and weeks) or I don’t buy it only for me.

Stop trying to keep telling us the situation and how they are all wrong just talk to them.

I think you round them up for a family meeting. Tell them that they aren't taking this seriously and they need to find a job pronto and you are going to put some house rules in place.

They are doing this because they know @BunnyVV feels unable to call them out on it.

How ridiculous, passive aggressive and dramatic to suggest to pontificate and then flounce off.

Just calmly and assertively decide what your expectations/boundaries/prefreneces/deadlines/consequences are and communicate it simply with calm words.....

What's wrong with people!!

@middlechild3 and @bygreytiger Once again, they are EU citizens so DO NOT NEED ANY VISAS or any other sort of permission to live and work in any EU country! That is not the issue here. They can and should get jobs now.

Even if they'd come on holiday with the shared cultural expectation that you'd fully host them for x days and then they'd return home, there would normally be boundaries around helping themselves and an understanding that some things are off limits - could be meant for guests, for the children's school lunches, for an emergency, or for dinner later in the week. You're best placed to tell if your visitors are taking the piss or genuinely clueless (if they are very young, never been away from home before, etc.) Either way, set boundaries now. It's probably awkward because it's been weeks and they've been doing whatever they like so telling them now feels like a reproach, but every day it continues the problem gets worse not better.

Have you asked why they don't yet have jobs? Do they understand that they can take the job that's two bus rides away and still continue looking for a more convenient job? It's very reasonable to tell them that they need to start bringing in money however they manage it, especially as this was pre-agreed. Have they used all of their savings, and if so can their families back home give them an allowance so they can at least be responsible for buying their own food?

If they have some unanticipated barriers in the job search - maybe there is some cultural prejudice, a language barrier, difficulty of checking foreign credentials and references, local jobs filled by people with local connections, etc. - they need to be communicating this to you and getting whatever support's available to work through it. Or, if they genuinely have given up on finding work, they need to make plans to go home. I'm not saying throw them out or lock the 'fridge tomorrow, but as a start tell them to go back and see if those jobs they turned down are still available.

Moving to a foreign country is tough tough tough so I have a lot of sympathy which you don’t have because probably you haven’t done it.

🤦🏻‍♀️

OP has said multiple times that she has done exactly this herself, @Itallcomesdowntothis.

She describes her own family as "a family who worked hard 20 years ago when [we] first arrived in Europe".

and

"When I was younger I took any job going so I’m shocked they are not doing this."

She also said that her income cannot sustain them in their current lifestyle.

this is about knowing how to approach them and have a difficult conversation, and what boundaries are acceptable to set.

these are your relatives, and presumably you’re very close to them (or at least you are now having living with them for 10 weeks and no end in sight 😆!) and on his thread you seem very clear and very forthright in your views on what is acceptable and boundaries.

So maybe lay off arguing with mumsnetters
and channel your energy on this thread in to taking back your family home (and your children and husband’s family home too!)