Relatives living with us - no jobs

[BunnyVV]

we have some relatives from overseas staying with us. I agreed to help them with somewhere to stay and sustenance until they got jobs etc.
i have welcomed them into my home and treated them as family. Things are not easy for us due to the cost of living but I am very good at budgeting. We eat well thanks to good prep for home-cooking. I work hard and earn moderately well but the mortgage etc is big. I enjoy some nice things, eg a glass of posh gin on a Saturday, gym membership etc because I prefer not to spend elsewhere (beauty treatments, takeaways).
the problem is that they are not trying hard enough to get work, or they turn down what they don’t fancy (eg have to get 2 buses to get there).

it’s been 10 weeks. They do not have anything full-time. They agreed they’d take bar work whilst looking for something better, but that’s not happening. I’m tired of sharing nice things 10 weeks on. I need to find the courage to tell them that the smoked salmon is only for me, the gin is only for me, please don’t eat the whole bar of green & blacks chocolate because I like a square at night sometimes. It’s not right I go to the cupboard and theres none there. I need to tell them not to touch the nibbles and beer I keep in a cupboard for unexpected visitors. but I feel like a horrible person in doing so.
they have no income. But my income cannot sustain this any more. I don’t want to stop buying things that I like to have in my own kitchen. I work hard and I get to chose what’s in my fridge and cupboards. why do they eat smoked salmon instead of ham? When the smoked salmon runs out, then they eat the ham.
they seem completely oblivious to the problem. I didn’t set any ground rules because I didn’t imagine it would get to this point. I assumed they’d be gone 40 hours a week working.
how do I sit there and enjoy a posh gnt on a sunny evening whilst they sit there and watch me whilst drinking water?!??? I end up not enjoying the gnt.

Are you sure they are entitled to work in the UK if they are from overseas?

I have had experience of a similar co-dependent relationship in my own family, though in this case it was mother and daughter. The daughter, in her 40s, didn't make any decisions at all, I would ring her and her mother would ring me back. Very difficult to deal with.

I think you're going to have to be more tough on him. He's not cleaning or doing chores because he doesn't want to. My dad had learning difficulties but still cleans, cooks and everything else. Be firm, tell him he has to do it. Even if he forgets, tell him again he's to do it before dinner. He's been silly coddled and now is living rent free like a child

You're not helping Jane by buying into this bullshit. Sorry. While everyone dances around and makes allowances for Andy, she will too. You can have empathy with her situation, AND not want it under your roof. Both things can be true.

RTFT. They are not in the UK

I requested no more advice… yet people keep on giving it. I will request once more before I ask MN to delete the thread.

Thanks for the update @BunnyVV , I found it very interesting.

No advice here, I just wish you luck in continuing to deal with this difficult family situation with the kindness and grace you have demonstrated so far.

I hope Jane's contraception is fool-proof as assuming late 20's she might well be getting broody and eyeing up your boxroom as a cute little nursery......

That is a very complicated situation, best case scenario would be Andy emerging from his prolonged cocoon phase as a fully fledged independent adult and flying away with Jane to live their lives.

Hope it all works out in the end, especially for you @BunnyVV , you’ve been more understanding and patient than many of us would have been in such situation.

That’s awfully complicated. Great news that Jane’s got a job. Much as it would be wonderful to somehow get Andy to be more productive, it’s very unlikely to work without Jane’s agreement. Ultimately you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. I hope they at least are able to move out sooner. Even if Jane is able to cover what should be their shared contribution to household costs, it must be incredibly frustrating having someone living with you who simply refuses to take responsibility for themselves. It might be worth your while to keep pushing him to pull his weight. Not with any expectation that he will change, but in the hope that it might motivate them to move out (I hope that’s not too advicey). I’d be absolutely furious with him in your position. I hope they leave soon so that you don’t have to deal with this anymore. You’ve done a really kind thing helping them as you have.

Oh dear. That was kind of you to offer up your house. Get a mini fridge in your bedroom that they won’t have access to. And keep asking them about jobs and flats. Tell them you’ve got other folk you want to have over to stay. The time for politeness is ending. 10 weeks. Jesus. My head would explode.

Your update explains why they were being such unreasonable house guests and you seem to have improved things somewhat. Do you think they will be able to move out soon? You are very kind to have offered help to various family members, even if this experience has not been good.

Such deeply entrenched codependency is difficult to change, Andy happy to do nothing and Jane content to be so needed. If she doesn't want to change things you can't force her, even though from outside you can see it's unhealthy and stifling for both of them.

Thanks for the update, good luck to you!

So…. They’re still there, with you during the summer holidays when kids are off and no plan for ever moving out.