Relatives living with us - no jobs

[BunnyVV]

we have some relatives from overseas staying with us. I agreed to help them with somewhere to stay and sustenance until they got jobs etc.
i have welcomed them into my home and treated them as family. Things are not easy for us due to the cost of living but I am very good at budgeting. We eat well thanks to good prep for home-cooking. I work hard and earn moderately well but the mortgage etc is big. I enjoy some nice things, eg a glass of posh gin on a Saturday, gym membership etc because I prefer not to spend elsewhere (beauty treatments, takeaways).
the problem is that they are not trying hard enough to get work, or they turn down what they don’t fancy (eg have to get 2 buses to get there).

it’s been 10 weeks. They do not have anything full-time. They agreed they’d take bar work whilst looking for something better, but that’s not happening. I’m tired of sharing nice things 10 weeks on. I need to find the courage to tell them that the smoked salmon is only for me, the gin is only for me, please don’t eat the whole bar of green & blacks chocolate because I like a square at night sometimes. It’s not right I go to the cupboard and theres none there. I need to tell them not to touch the nibbles and beer I keep in a cupboard for unexpected visitors. but I feel like a horrible person in doing so.
they have no income. But my income cannot sustain this any more. I don’t want to stop buying things that I like to have in my own kitchen. I work hard and I get to chose what’s in my fridge and cupboards. why do they eat smoked salmon instead of ham? When the smoked salmon runs out, then they eat the ham.
they seem completely oblivious to the problem. I didn’t set any ground rules because I didn’t imagine it would get to this point. I assumed they’d be gone 40 hours a week working.
how do I sit there and enjoy a posh gnt on a sunny evening whilst they sit there and watch me whilst drinking water?!??? I end up not enjoying the gnt.

I would suggest giving them a copy of all of the employment agencies in your area and getting them to atleast try different jobs. If they still will not comply then they go home or they move to try their luck in a different city. You have done more than enough now OP.

But why would they be entitled to it? Just because they have a work visa doesn't mean they are entitled to be housed at the tax payer's expense and that the council are duty bound to find them somewhere to live. At least it definitely shouldn't do, although nothing surprises me about this country any more.

I don't know the rules but if I was them I'd ask at the very least. I am not trying to get into a debate about migrants.

Time for a sit down
start with let’s get you working. Go to online and make applications w cvs. Work with them and suggest bar/cafe while waiting on others.

Gently raise sure of costs and write out plan for splitting the grocery bill (now or future) and taking turns with meal prep and chores.

For now, don’t buy your own extras and treats if you are going to resent them eating it, we have a regular visitor who literally clears out our cupboards and fridge. This visitor treats us like an all you can eat situation. We never have a leftover, he eats and eats. I prepare for his visits in advance and put away nice wine, drinks & special items. I have taped labels “Don’t drink” on items in fridge saying “this is wine we are saving for special occasion.”

He is a hearty eater, doesn’t like salads, or light food and it becomes an issue. I get him inexpensive stodgy sausage, mash and make myself salads. He rinses mugs, spoons plates, never uses washing up soap or our dishwasher. Somehow this results he’s “no trouble”

His idea of contributing is getting yellow sticker items of things I would never eat or prepare but need asap cooking as in sell by date (duck breasts, liver and reject “diet” ready meals for me though we don’t have a microwave. He assumes I’m on a diet because I don’t eat meat & potato every meal). He’s a friend of DP family, always in dire straits and same, looking for work.

Sometimes I just stay away so he has to make his own meals.

You need to make it work for you.

Sadly you have become a substitute parent & they feel it is your duty to house & fund them.
They are exploiting you because you are a soft touch, if you want things to change you will have to get tough.

But they may be Ukrainian.

I think they’ve just got too comfortable not paying rent and there’s no urgency to work if they have access to everything they need

Very likely, yes, but what were the circumstances of them coming in the first place? Is it supposed to be a holiday or did they intend to move permanantly?

Because if they intend to be here for good you really do need that conversation, including - I'd suggest - a limit on how long they can expect to stay with you

@TwigletsAndRadishes the thread isn't even about 'this country', the OP is in Europe!
Regardless though, I'm not aware of any countries where you would get any support other than the most cursory of signposting, if you were there because you had a right to work but not as a citizen. Right to live and work = right to be self sustaining. Being able to claim any benefits is very different, in most places (including UK)

I am not buying fridge locks. I want my home to be my home run on rational and reasonable behaviour. Locking food away is not right.

So you’re essentially stamping your feet and crying “But I shouldn’t have to!! They should know!!!”

We shouldn’t have to lock our doors when we go out to make sure we don’t get burgled. I bet you still do. Sometimes you need to deal with how things are rather than how they should be.

Just tell them you’ve had enough.

Tell them they have to leave. If they’ve not a found a job they want to take in 10 weeks they never will. They don’t want any job so they can start paying their own way and find a place to live. So they have to go. They need to book a flight straight away. This week. Not in another 2 weeks. Also tell them how disappointed you are in them snaffling all your nice things and not replacing them.

This is a classic case of poor communication on your part. You have let it fester and allowed resentment to grow and you are still unable to use your words. It's fine to hope they would get it - but it wasnt today that this has erupted for you. You should have nipped this in the bud and guided expectations much earlier.

They are not mind readers.

Maybe they are over-whelmed and need help and direction?

Communicate calmly and assertively directly with your family members rather than resort to avoidance behaviours by venting your frustration at strangers on the internet. Does conflict scare you? Doesn't have to be confrontational - just calmly get your words out.

Are you comfortable saying - "you need to be in fulltime work by x date and buying all your own food and preparing your own meals by y date." Or whatever your boundaries, deadlines, expectations and consequences are. Are you clear what they are?

Even if they found a job tomorrow it could still take them months to be able to afford to move out. They may not be able to rent easily without a guarantor. How long are you prepared to let them stay fit with a job? If they contribute to living expenses at yours that just makes it even harder to move out. I can’t understand how they have moved in without any savings behind them or any inclination to help themselves. They need a serious talking to once you have decided what you are willing to not willing to put up with. It looks like returning to their own country might be the best option.

Suggest they return to their home country until they have a job and their own accommodation to come to. Give them a deadline of when they have to leave your home and hospitality.

I live here and I WFH. I cannot simply not buy what I like to eat. I am really busy in my job and life admin, and I need a packet of smoked salmon to last me half the week. I get very little time to grab a bite to eat during the day. I just need it to be in the fridge. For nutritional reasons and because it’s just nice to eat. My treat at night is camomile tea and square of posh chocolate. I don’t drink during the week. It’s my routine and it’s so frustrating when the whole bar has gone.

this is about knowing how to approach them and have a difficult conversation, and what boundaries are acceptable to set.

USE YOUR WORDS!!

Its not a difficult conversation - its just about expressing your preferences....

Take 30 seconds to sort this out.

"Please can you not eat the SS and Choc"

Uuuugggghhhh OP it's a horrible position to find yourself in. Having your kindness taken advantage of. I remember having someone do this with me and I hated feeling as though a flock of locusts had descended on my home, stripping it bare. I hated myself but eventually began hiding things away just so that I could get a look-in!

They are CFs, good luck with "the conversation" bur relatives or not, if they don't understand it's their problem and they know where the door is. They've had plenty of time to make a Plan B.

I generally find most peopke won’t take the piss. We have done this in the past and people have been very respectful. I cannot go through life not giving people a chance because they might take the piss.

If you're wfh, then you could tell them they need to be out of the house 9 to 5. That should make them think.

Which shows you as a lovely person, but this lot have taken the piss and will continue to do so. Hard deadline to leave.

"I agreed to let you stay on order for you to get set up with jobs and accommodation. It's been three months now and you appear to have made little progress. In addition, you keep eating my food without making any contribution to the household, I need you to move out as this isn't working anymore".

I think you missed out a word in the last bit! Or did you mean for OP to move out?! I wouldn't blame her for wanting to! 😁

So you think it’s not ok that I posted here?
Before they came expectations were set. They saw the example of other family before them.
then they got here and unfortunately laziness and entitlement got the better of them and they forgot about hard work and pulling their weight.

they know what other family did (granted before COVID) and the kinds of jobs they took on for the first few months. These guys have made poor decisions…they’ve decided getting 2 buses isn’t convenient for them, for example. Previous visitors travelled further … a train and 2 buses…but then they had the right attitude.

Gather your thoughts, write down a list of ground rules then sit down with them to discuss it. You should have done this at the beginning really. You were not to know they'd take the piss but clearly they need firm handling! You could lock food up or label everything with a 'hands off' message but better still tell them what's upsetting you. Give them boundaries and deadlines.

Time limit. Have a job by X date or you go home. I can’t afford/don’t want to pay to keep you. That’s not on and they should be embarrassed.

What does your husband think you should do? You don't have to do this all on your own. You and he need to present a united front and sit them down and say "hey we can only really give you four more weeks, find work or go back home."