Relatives living with us - no jobs

[BunnyVV]

we have some relatives from overseas staying with us. I agreed to help them with somewhere to stay and sustenance until they got jobs etc.
i have welcomed them into my home and treated them as family. Things are not easy for us due to the cost of living but I am very good at budgeting. We eat well thanks to good prep for home-cooking. I work hard and earn moderately well but the mortgage etc is big. I enjoy some nice things, eg a glass of posh gin on a Saturday, gym membership etc because I prefer not to spend elsewhere (beauty treatments, takeaways).
the problem is that they are not trying hard enough to get work, or they turn down what they don’t fancy (eg have to get 2 buses to get there).

it’s been 10 weeks. They do not have anything full-time. They agreed they’d take bar work whilst looking for something better, but that’s not happening. I’m tired of sharing nice things 10 weeks on. I need to find the courage to tell them that the smoked salmon is only for me, the gin is only for me, please don’t eat the whole bar of green & blacks chocolate because I like a square at night sometimes. It’s not right I go to the cupboard and theres none there. I need to tell them not to touch the nibbles and beer I keep in a cupboard for unexpected visitors. but I feel like a horrible person in doing so.
they have no income. But my income cannot sustain this any more. I don’t want to stop buying things that I like to have in my own kitchen. I work hard and I get to chose what’s in my fridge and cupboards. why do they eat smoked salmon instead of ham? When the smoked salmon runs out, then they eat the ham.
they seem completely oblivious to the problem. I didn’t set any ground rules because I didn’t imagine it would get to this point. I assumed they’d be gone 40 hours a week working.
how do I sit there and enjoy a posh gnt on a sunny evening whilst they sit there and watch me whilst drinking water?!??? I end up not enjoying the gnt.

er Op…. Don’t tell us

Tell your relatives! 😆

how many bedrooms do you have Op?

I agree with @joliefolle. These people clearly have no manners and don’t understand societal norms however you have let this drag on and they clearly think it’s all ok.

Imo even if you go and stay with someone for a couple of days you take wine, chocs, flowers as a thank you. If you are in effect living there you talk to the host about what rent/food costs will work. This works 2 ways, it isn’t just up to the OP however in letting this drag she has sent the message that they don’t need to contribute. I’m also surprised they think it’s fine to eat what I would call luxury foods be smoked salmon etc, that’s just rude and grabby. I would never just help myself.

I’m also wondering what they do all day? Unless you live by the beach or something?

Anyway I think you need to tell them it’s time to
move on, even if you have to lie a little and say you have friends coming. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, you don’t have to give a reason. I would also buy the bare minimum for the week, no smoked salmon!

You need to be honest and upfront with your guests. Tell them there are certain things you buy which are off limits - your smoked salmon, chocolate etc - and they are your treats and not for general consumption whatsoever. None negotiable.

You also need to reinforce / reiterate your expectations of them finding work, irrespective of whatever obstacles they perceive to prevent them from accepting jobs.

They are not supposed to be on an extended all inclusive holiday, they have made a life choice to move location and that involves finding paid employment.

Do it today.

Good luck with talking to them. It does sound like clear communication is needed.
I would go with the approach that they are naive and don't understand things.
Explain to them that it has been 10 weeks, jobs have been offered to them and that they need to accept it. Agree to giving them 2 more weeks and saying by that date they need to have secured work and housing.
I would also bring up food. Use examples familiar to them. Salmon is a luxury in this country, the same as it is as home..I have worked hard to have this treat.

I am assuming they are young and have been sent to you to make a better life - what have their parents said? I am guessing if they have a lazy attitude then they are glad to see them go! Is there a culture of bringing shame on the family and speaking of disappointing family? Would they be embarrassed if you said you were sending them back?

You need to give them a time limit. Say if they haven't got a job by end of july, they have to go home. Because they're treating it as a holiday at your expense. If they don't get jobs, they have to go home. Be firm.

People are different, you can't just expect everyone to fit the mould of a perfect house guest. You still sound like you are refusing to have the difficult conversation, this is your problem.

You know OP, you express very well what you feel (entirely reasonably) and what you can/should say to these people, but you just have not been able to do it. This is your problem and it's one I sympathise with. I am also a person who in general would rather be somewhat taken advantage of than have those awkward conversations/appear mean or tight in any way. You are going to have to screw up the courage to have the conversation though, ten weeks is too long and your (justified) resentment is going to increasingly poison your life (and your retionships not only with these visitors but presumably their whole branch of the family, whether its your side or your husband's).

I shy away from awkward conversations with family like the plague! But even I would speak up in this situation. Especially if your visitors are young people. I have on many occasions rather argued with my DH than curtailed the considerable help and support I have given my elderly parents, but they ARE elderly and they are my parents. Able bodied young people are a different story. You are just going to have to do it. Write out what you want to say and practice it before you speak to them.

PS personally I wouldn't get into the nitty gritty of which foods they eat or are allowed to eat etc. And like you, I would never consider locking up food. (I have been known to hide chocolate though! Who wouldn't!). These are just details, the point that needs to be clearly made is not that they are being selfish by eating certain foods, it is that they need to actually get going now or go home.

Thank you for actually understanding this is difficult, and for writing some kind but firm words.

Yout relative is taking a piss at this point.

As pps said, you need to give them a deadline. "Either get job within x weeks or we can help pay for ticket back."

And now the harsh part. The latter will be better option. Immigrants (no one really should but as immigrant you don't generally have local safety net) do not survive with mentality of doing nothing and "I don't like the 2 buses ride". Signed, immigrant who took 2 buses to my first job at 5AM after arriving to UK.

4 bedrooms, 1 box room. My eldest daughter is overseas but won’t be home before next Feb/mar. If she wanted to come back sooner to visit she’d need to stay in the box room.
we have 3 rooms with 2 people in them (me and husband, 2 sons who share, 2 visitors who share) and 1 room for my youngest daughter.

Why do you think it is appropriate to be so unpleasant to strangers on the internet who have taken their time to give you their insight to help you?

This is what happens to your unresolved pent up anger and frustration - in comes out inappropriately and disproprotionately on others. YOU need to deal with this calmly and clearly otherwise you will be sniping at your loved ones.

Do you believe you have agency in your own home? What are your next steps?

Just have an honest conversation with them! It will probably be uncomfortable but you are going to end up hating each other at this rate. You shouldn’t have to be hiding or locking away food in your own house end off. They are in the wrong not you, they start contributing end of. If they haven’t moved out by a certain date they arrange to go home. The job market is tough at the moment they definitely need to be less fussy.
By the sounds of it they have been having a nice 10 week break. You have been more than generous.
Did they have any money saved up before the move?

I presume because strangers on the internet are being rude and massively condescending to her. Your previous post fell into that category.

I understand that it's frustrating for some posters when the OP doesn't immediately take people's advice on board and profusely thank them for their input, but there are obviously some cultural differences here and probably a lot of potential fall-out from the relatives overseas if she dealt as harshly with these visitors as some people are recommending.

The op will know the “culture” and the personalities of the people involved better than random strangers
so we give advice on the basis of the Information provided and the fact the op seems very clear that this is unacceptable; how it is unacceptable; what is reasonable.

Cosy then!

Are you and / or family having to share a bathroom with them?

Do you all sit down to eat together at end of the day?

wtf?

Your kids are presumably my breaking up soon op for the long summer holidays?

Well the OP 'thanked' me for my last post to her - so she didnt find it condescending.

I haven't said to deal with anything 'harshly' I have said to use her words calmly and assertively to express her specific expectations of behaviour in her home.

Everyone has different preferences - anyone in my home is welcome to help themselves to any food from the communal fridge - I would not expect them to decifer between ham and salmon or chicken or beef or tomatoes and asparagus - that would be silly - but I would not be happy at all with accessing my gin - and I would say so if this happened.

Calm communication is all that is required.

Have the conversation. It appears you’re terrified to do it .
Until you tell them your expectations they won’t adapt and therefore you are the issue here that continues this problem.

you have been kind, given them a chance and now it’s time to have the talk and say - we can’t afford to support you and therefore you have x weeks left here.

You need to be brave now.

I agree, Doomygloomy, except that if the "visitors" are simply pisstakers they may not change their attitude even then

I say "visitors" because despite being asked several times OP hasn't clarified whether this really is a visit or something they intend to be permanent, and while it's great that previous ones have behaved much better it's not really relevant since people don''t possess a hive mind

Hopefully it can be resolved with some straight talking, but if OP's not prepared to do even that I'm not sure what else to suggest

FREE ADVICE:

A tried and true method for presenting this conversation -
(a) tell them what you are about to tell them
(b) tell them
(c) tell them what you just told them

In practice, this is what this looks like -
(a) I want to talk to you about the current living situation
(b) this isn't working. you have no jobs, you are not contributing anything to the very real cost of living here, and you have had 10 weeks to get your act together. You either get a job this week and start contributing, or you go home.
(c) So just to be clear, this situation cannot continue. I will leave you to think about it and we will talk again tomorrow to see what you have decided to do.

Then get up and walk away from the table.

This method is genuinely the best way to present any kind of information, good or bad. Try it. It works.