Relatives living with us - no jobs

[BunnyVV]

we have some relatives from overseas staying with us. I agreed to help them with somewhere to stay and sustenance until they got jobs etc.
i have welcomed them into my home and treated them as family. Things are not easy for us due to the cost of living but I am very good at budgeting. We eat well thanks to good prep for home-cooking. I work hard and earn moderately well but the mortgage etc is big. I enjoy some nice things, eg a glass of posh gin on a Saturday, gym membership etc because I prefer not to spend elsewhere (beauty treatments, takeaways).
the problem is that they are not trying hard enough to get work, or they turn down what they don’t fancy (eg have to get 2 buses to get there).

it’s been 10 weeks. They do not have anything full-time. They agreed they’d take bar work whilst looking for something better, but that’s not happening. I’m tired of sharing nice things 10 weeks on. I need to find the courage to tell them that the smoked salmon is only for me, the gin is only for me, please don’t eat the whole bar of green & blacks chocolate because I like a square at night sometimes. It’s not right I go to the cupboard and theres none there. I need to tell them not to touch the nibbles and beer I keep in a cupboard for unexpected visitors. but I feel like a horrible person in doing so.
they have no income. But my income cannot sustain this any more. I don’t want to stop buying things that I like to have in my own kitchen. I work hard and I get to chose what’s in my fridge and cupboards. why do they eat smoked salmon instead of ham? When the smoked salmon runs out, then they eat the ham.
they seem completely oblivious to the problem. I didn’t set any ground rules because I didn’t imagine it would get to this point. I assumed they’d be gone 40 hours a week working.
how do I sit there and enjoy a posh gnt on a sunny evening whilst they sit there and watch me whilst drinking water?!??? I end up not enjoying the gnt.

I think this would be my approach too. I'd say something like; you have been here for almost three months and you still haven't found any work so it's clearly not working out. You should probably head back home and make a new plan as I can't afford to house you for much longer.

That will either give them a kick up their arses to take just any job asap or they will indeded return home. Either way, you should know within a week or two.

Ah, that’s tough.

how have they come to be guests of yours? What have you told them?

a new conversation is needed. Whether they should already know, or not (they should), they’ve outstayed their welcome.
so it’s down to you to ask them to leave, or tell them the new rules.

Tell them that after 10 weeks you can only conclude that they’re highly unlikely to secure the type of employment they want and because it’s clear they don’t want to take on other work as suggested, like bar work, they should make arrangements to return home. Say they are welcome to stay for 2 weeks which will take it up to 3 months but they need to be gone by the 13th. Add that financially it’s been difficult to fund their expensive tastes so unfortunately there will be more limited food available for those two weeks.

That was my first thought - are they British? They can’t just come here and get jobs without appropriate visas- it doesn’t work like that -

Their right to work is legitimate. They have EU passports via grandparents and we are in an EU country. We helped with this. (Birth certs from a small village in the EU). Their home country life is not great - poor wage, live hand to mouth, poor standard of rented housing, not much room for luxuries like gin and posh chocolate. Not much opportunity to improve on this.

They had two ways of adapting their mentality when they got here …1 or 2 below….and they went the wrong way…. a very short-term attitude.

1. If we work hard we can save. We have good accommodation near a city centre. Start off minimum wage and adapt and learn. We are young and we have the energy to work hard.
2. oh look, a family who worked hard 20 years ago when they first arrived in Europe . Let’s live in their house and eat their food.

Less smoked salmon in the fridge and more basics from Asda and Lidl for a few weeks. Especially ones with an "oops" label on.

@BunnyVV what are we talking OP? niece and nephew? aunt and uncle? mum and dad?? distant cousins twice removed (whatever that might be)!

My thoughts exactly. You need to care more what your dc and husband are feeling and thinking rather than these freeloaders.

Stop cooking for them. Just for your immediate family.

It can't be so bad if they've treated your hospitality so poorly and are turning down work so send them back.

How old are they?

@BunnyVV ah I wasn’t thinking about you not being UK based - my bad!! Their attitude sucks , tell them to bugger off , it’s clear they have no intention of paying their way or they don’t have the skills/language to actually get work in your country or they only want something that ‘suits’

Im sorry their lifestyle is difficult back home and I would’ve had sympathy if they’d shown willingness to craft. But the way they are taking advantage of your hospitality is truly shocking!

I wouldn’t dream of eating your expensive stuff as a guest! What a cheeky people.

I think you opened yourself wide up to this OP the moment you opened the door of your home to them with free board, and showed them a fridge full of luxury foods! I would sit them down, say they have to start contributing as you can no longer afford to financially support them, and have a week on basic rations to prove a point. Have your chocolate/smoked salmon at work and find your backbone.

Op, I hope that you are aware that they intend to live with you for the foreseeable future.
My childhood was blighted by the constant influx of relatives who were supposedly staying with us for a short time until they got jobs/ accommodation but wouldn’t leave.We had people stay with us for months and in one case we had a relative stay with us for a year.
Now this wouldn’t have been such an issue if my mother was financially sound and if we had a large house . She was a single mother with three children and we lived in a small flat

I do not allow my relatives to stay with me . I don’t mind helping out with a little financial assistance / housing advice but they cannot live in my home .I don’t want to end up in the position you find yourself
Op , your ‘mistake ‘ was allowing them to live with you . You have spoiled them
Your only solution is to give them an ultimatum that they need to find accommodation . This will probably cause some strife in the family but that is something that you will have to deal with

You and your husband need to sit them down and say that unless they find a job by the end of the week, a full-time job, then they need to go home. They really need a short sharp shock with this one. They think they are on a luxury holiday. If they didn't work for 10 weeks back home they would starve.

That's extremely rude of them to stay for 10 weeks and not contribute. I often stay with relatives for 10 days or so as a holiday, and I always make a point of contributing to/paying for a grocery shop and some take-aways or a meal out.

Seems like an odd situation you've gotten yourself into. When you discussed it before they came what was the plan? Why haven't they got a minimum wage job by now? What do they do all day?

zero mention of your 3 children and husband

Bizarre you have this insight
and yet have allowed it to fester on for almost three months with no end In sight

They're holidaying at your expense. They’ll continue to think it’s ok if you keep allowing them to do it. Quite easily fixed- “I thought you would be working full time whilst you stayed here. I cannot afford to keep you here whilst you have a holiday. You will need to contribute or go home I’m afraid.”
Stop hand wringing and have a very short conversation. It could be solved in about 5 minutes.

I think you need to have a semi formal chat with them. Arrange a time when you can all sit down together and say something like 'we've been happy to welcome you into our home but this was on the understanding you were looking for work. From x date we will need you to contribute by paying x amount of rent/ providing x number of family meals a week / purchasing your own snacks and alcohol (or whatever you'd like them to do) and that if they don't find work unfortunately they'll need to return home.
I'd be honest about how difficult and awkward the conversation is but that they need to take any job while they are waiting for the perfect one.
It will be uncomfortable but if you don't talk to them, things won't change.

I do have to wonder if (2) was the plan all along?

OP I might be going against the grain here but the job market is appalling at the moment. It’s not what it was even 2 years ago, let alone 20. I have friends who have been out of work for 6+ months, despite job searching all day every day and willing to take ANYTHING. Probably applied for over 200 jobs and got 4 or 5 interviews where they’ve been appointable but jobs offered to somebody else.

Are they skilled/qualified in a particular area? What is the opportunity like in that area in your location? Are they actively applying for jobs or getting interviews or sitting around taking the piss out of you?

I’m not by any means saying the situation is okay, but it may be that this hasn’t worked out the way either of you hoped. They clearly haven’t planned their coming to the country very well if they have no money to pay their way and are taking advantage of your generosity. But it may be time for them to properly think about their future in the UK; this might not be what they expected either and may be something to factor into this difficult conversation.

(not being an arse here- I hope this is taken as constructively as I mean it to be)

Why would they work when you’re working To give them all they need.
You need to set some time frames…. Maybe hide some thing just until they get the hint. You need to give them a reason to find work.