Relatives living with us - no jobs

[BunnyVV]

we have some relatives from overseas staying with us. I agreed to help them with somewhere to stay and sustenance until they got jobs etc.
i have welcomed them into my home and treated them as family. Things are not easy for us due to the cost of living but I am very good at budgeting. We eat well thanks to good prep for home-cooking. I work hard and earn moderately well but the mortgage etc is big. I enjoy some nice things, eg a glass of posh gin on a Saturday, gym membership etc because I prefer not to spend elsewhere (beauty treatments, takeaways).
the problem is that they are not trying hard enough to get work, or they turn down what they don’t fancy (eg have to get 2 buses to get there).

it’s been 10 weeks. They do not have anything full-time. They agreed they’d take bar work whilst looking for something better, but that’s not happening. I’m tired of sharing nice things 10 weeks on. I need to find the courage to tell them that the smoked salmon is only for me, the gin is only for me, please don’t eat the whole bar of green & blacks chocolate because I like a square at night sometimes. It’s not right I go to the cupboard and theres none there. I need to tell them not to touch the nibbles and beer I keep in a cupboard for unexpected visitors. but I feel like a horrible person in doing so.
they have no income. But my income cannot sustain this any more. I don’t want to stop buying things that I like to have in my own kitchen. I work hard and I get to chose what’s in my fridge and cupboards. why do they eat smoked salmon instead of ham? When the smoked salmon runs out, then they eat the ham.
they seem completely oblivious to the problem. I didn’t set any ground rules because I didn’t imagine it would get to this point. I assumed they’d be gone 40 hours a week working.
how do I sit there and enjoy a posh gnt on a sunny evening whilst they sit there and watch me whilst drinking water?!??? I end up not enjoying the gnt.

@COUN they are not in the UK though and they have been turning jobs down.

I think their time over here coinciding with lovely weather has probably made them forget they’re not here on holiday but to work! I fear you with DH help need to make it clear your budget can’t be indefinitely stretched to accommodate their financial needs much longer and then set the boundaries and some time bound expectations.

Time for them to go home.

"Shame it didn't work out because you weren't able to get job. I can't pay for your life any more. Best you go home now. Bye."

Can you give us more info OP? Whose relatives are they, yours or DH? And what is the relation? Cousins? Brothers and Sisters?
And where is their home country? Would they be able to go back to it?

If you haven't already set them some tasks to earn their keep. Cleaning, cooking, gardening, childcare/babysitting/school pick up etc.
I would also set a timescale - for me that would be 2 - 6 weeks more max. You could use school holidays as a good cut off if relevant.

Sit them down tonight and say “this clearly isn’t working out the way that any of us hoped, you’ve been here 10 weeks and haven’t done a day of work yet. We’ll book flights home for you for next week and hopefully you’ll have better luck finding work there.”

And don’t be moved on it. Either they’ll find a job, ANY job, to enable them to stay or they’ll go home and their parents can support their lazy lifestyle instead.

Give them 4 weeks notice to leave. Tell them it isn’t working out and you can no longer accommodate them as it was only expected to be very short term.

Do they have a legal work permit?

They are obviously behaving badly and you’re totally in the right but is there a chance they just don’t realise? If they’re young (you mention young but don’t say how young) then they could just be used to parent-type figures providing everything. They could be genuinely clueless that things like smoked salmon are more expensive and nibbles are for guests. Also if they’re from another country they could have a naive view about how much earnings are in your country and how far they stretch assuming that you can afford it all because you seem to be doing so well. It may not have occurred to them that it’s costing you a fortune.

And is it possible that you did the whole “please come and stay, you’re very welcome” bit and they heard that but not the “until you can find a job as long as it’s not for too long”. I’ve definitely done that before where I’ve been very enthusiastic welcoming someone assuming that they would know when to leave and they didn’t!! We’re talking more lunch rather than months but still. It is easily done.

Maybe very clear boundaries and explaining what you have explained here could help.

ie life is really expensive here and I can’t afford to support extra people for a long time. I said you were welcome until you found jobs but I was expecting this to happen more quickly. You need to get work asap and start saving to move/contributing to the household then add the ground rules etc

Good luck

It’s a helpful perspective. I’m ignoring anyone that says, “what about your children and husband.” Or “you set yourself up for this”
I agree, the job market is hard but there is bar / restaurant work because we live very close to a big city. They are in the very fortunate position of being rent-free next to a large area of work.
some of it isn’t perfect but the idea is they take the 9pm to 4am shift every night until something nicer comes up. They are young. They have energy.
i didn’t set myself up for this. I held out a helping hand knowing having free rent and a good attitude is the only way to make it work. I’ve been there. We have done it for others who didn’t take the mickey. (Granted before COVID when the cost of living was easier)
unfortunately they have a poor attitude and I’m left having to have a difficult conversation. I’m shocked. They had the example of those before them to follow and they haven’t.

OP, are they your relatives or DH’s? If they’e yours, why don’t you tell them DH says they need to be gone in a week?

There are things you arnt telling us. Are they entitled to come here and work? Do they have British citizenship? They can't work without permits to do so otherwise, tourist visas don't allow them to work under the current regulations in most circumstances if they are not British..that includes Commonwealth countries. They must have a National Insurance number. Are these young relatives on a gap year or something? Their attitude is very entitled and they are taking advantage of you. Nice, they are living with you rent free, eating you out of house and home, helping themselves to treats from your cupboards and fridge. Time for a talk. The substance of that talk? A time limit on a further period of stay., you u derstood the stay was to be temporary to help them out. To ask you when they wish to remove food from your fridge and cupboards since you have purposed it and it's galling when you go to use it and it's not there. A financial contribution towards their stay since you are finding it difficult to balance the books to live the way you want. I feel you've been too passive, it's time to act. Your husband needs to be on board. Whose relatives are they? If they're his he should have the conversation.

OP, you have the patience of a saint! Why have you put up with this for so long?

You would be totally reasonable to tell these freeloaders that they either get a job pronto or they go home. Set a date, stick to it.

Im not being funny but ChatGPT is really good way of planning what you are going to say for these difficult conversations.

TEN WEEKS?????!

Are you completely crackers?! Ten days would be generous, yet you are feeding, subsidising and treating two able bodied individuals who can't get off their arses and do a job, any job.

They are on to a good time with you, and they know it.

Just tell them you are now financially compromised, you cannot do it any longer. I am gobsmacked you have gone on so long with this farce.

@Siarli OP isn’t in the uk

Previous posts confirm their right to work is legitimate.
i don’t want to be too outing about whose relatives they are as we have done it for both sides of the family in previous years, but my husband feels the same as me. Perhaps that’s why we are so shocked they don’t know how it “works”. I am the breadwinner of the family (a woman). It’s me who is worried about budgeting. It’s me who needs to make sure my kids are ok.
im going to enjoy my Sunday now as it’s back to work tomorrow. We will have the conversation with them tomorrow. Thanks all. I really needed to vent and you’ve helped me all feel better.

I’m afraid they’re taking you for an absolute MUG! How many are they and can you send them home? I would. Sorry, no effort to hget a job, then they’re far too comfortable and think they are owed bigger and better than bar jobs etc. Do they have qualifications that would get them better?

And you have 3 dc at home? (Do yo7 have a huge house or are they sharing your dcs’ rooms?) They aren’t your dc, these relatives, you should not still be supporting them

A conversation may be uncomfortable but it needs to happen. You can either lay down some terms now, or you ( or your husband) may snap and say something far worse when they've eaten all the smoked salmon and chocolate again.

Are they entitled to come here and work? Do they have British citizenship?

Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought the OP indicated she is not in the UK and the CFers are from another country, probably the 'mother' country of her family. I suppose like someone whose heritage is Romanian but lives in Germany and now has Romanian relatives coming to Germany to try to better their lives. This could be a poor analogy, of course!

OP if you haven't already, I'd suggest spelling out to them about your costs of living, how much you have to pay in tax etc. If they are from a place where only very rich people have access to certain luxuries (tech, fashion etc) could it be that they have a distorted view of things - that they presume you're actually much more well off than you are, and that they also assume they should hold out for easy, well paying jobs?

A little different if they're from the EU, but having grown up with friends with relatives in West Africa and the Carribbean, it was clear that everyone assumed the relatives abroad were living like kings. They were always very very shocked at the cost of living (London) and the number of extra bills that they didn't necessarily have an equivalent of (council tax, cost of heating etc)

This? How have they managed to come here without permits for a job already secured?
Are they legally allowed to work in the UK op?

How many of them are there and how old are they? Are they you nieces or nephews? What would the consequences be if you sent them home?

If the agreement was that they would find jobs and move out, you need to speak to them and tell them if they don't keep their side of the bargain they will need to return home immediately.

Would people read the whole thread before replying or at least OP's posts? It's only 3 pages. She's confirmed that she's in another country in the EU and her relatives have EU passports so the visa situation is all above board.

I'm glad OP has realised she has to have a difficult conversation. (Although I do always hide the chocolate... my kids think any chocolate just sitting in the cupboard is fair game!)

Is it possible OP that they have different cultural ideas about "hospitality"?
Also is it llikely they do not realise that you are not in fact rich, just clever at budgeting and economical food?
You will know what they take for granted culturally and what is taking advantage in their eyes.
As you have been so generous i would not risk that reputation by being specific about the foods, but you could say that you are struggling to afford special stuff at present. Then go to Lidl or similar and get less special. Also suggest they need to be go and become independent, and give them a time limit when they need to have gone. Hope it goes well tomorrow.

I wish people would at least read the OP's posts. She is NOT IN THE UK, people! All the stuff about visa and NI numbers and the UK jobs market is not relevant.

What is relevant I believe is the idea, already mentioned, is that these are people coming to the UK/Europe from elsewhere (I don't think Romania as OP says that they have come "to Europe"). I have had experience of family from outside of Europe coming to visit when I lived in the UK (luckily they came just for holidays!) and just expecting that it was completely normal for us to pay for absolutely everything (even buying them Oyster cards, SIM cards etc etc).

Their mantra was "well, you are earning pounds". They never even thought to bring a bottle of wine or a bag of fruit into the house, I don't think it even crossed their minds. It made me very annoyed. I sucked it up because it was a week or two at a time and I knew they were leaving again. In your case OP, you can't carry on like this, you need to sit them down and talk to them, now.