Relatives living with us - no jobs

[BunnyVV]

we have some relatives from overseas staying with us. I agreed to help them with somewhere to stay and sustenance until they got jobs etc.
i have welcomed them into my home and treated them as family. Things are not easy for us due to the cost of living but I am very good at budgeting. We eat well thanks to good prep for home-cooking. I work hard and earn moderately well but the mortgage etc is big. I enjoy some nice things, eg a glass of posh gin on a Saturday, gym membership etc because I prefer not to spend elsewhere (beauty treatments, takeaways).
the problem is that they are not trying hard enough to get work, or they turn down what they don’t fancy (eg have to get 2 buses to get there).

it’s been 10 weeks. They do not have anything full-time. They agreed they’d take bar work whilst looking for something better, but that’s not happening. I’m tired of sharing nice things 10 weeks on. I need to find the courage to tell them that the smoked salmon is only for me, the gin is only for me, please don’t eat the whole bar of green & blacks chocolate because I like a square at night sometimes. It’s not right I go to the cupboard and theres none there. I need to tell them not to touch the nibbles and beer I keep in a cupboard for unexpected visitors. but I feel like a horrible person in doing so.
they have no income. But my income cannot sustain this any more. I don’t want to stop buying things that I like to have in my own kitchen. I work hard and I get to chose what’s in my fridge and cupboards. why do they eat smoked salmon instead of ham? When the smoked salmon runs out, then they eat the ham.
they seem completely oblivious to the problem. I didn’t set any ground rules because I didn’t imagine it would get to this point. I assumed they’d be gone 40 hours a week working.
how do I sit there and enjoy a posh gnt on a sunny evening whilst they sit there and watch me whilst drinking water?!??? I end up not enjoying the gnt.

You give people the opportunity to take the piss, as you have done, and most of the time they will. Do you realise the freeloaders are indirectly taking away money from you, your husband and your kids? Please have the ‘shape up or do one’ conversation with them asap.

I hope the conversation goes well. You have been incredibly kind and accommodating and they have abused your hospitality. I agree that giving them a timeframe is the way to go. Honestly, if they aren’t capable of accepting that they’ve been shamelessly freeloading, there’s no hope for them.

You’re would be wrong to tell them not to touch your nice stuff.

What you need to tell them is, this is not working for you and you cannot support additional people in the house. Tell them you are going into debt because of them and cannot afford that. End off.

They need to go.

If you say that they can stay providing they find jobs, you will remain their purse to dip into whenever they fancy. If they lose jobs, they will lean on you. They will continue eating and drinking your stuff.

After 10 weeks it’s clear they are takers and this is not going to work for you long term.

Time to move them on.

I’m ignoring anyone that says, “what about your children and husband.”

well yes Op, that is clear. Otherwise your children and husband wouldn’t be sharing their home (and their mother’s limited funds) with your CF lazy relatives

but you are informing them

hence being in this position

You must tell them they have to leave by a certain date. I mean they could present themselves as homeless to the council if things are really dire? But ultimately it's not your responsibility to house them indefinitely.

You say they have picked up some work, which is a good start. If you give them notice to leave they'll have to find more work or do more hours.

OP I agree 10 weeks is ridiculous but realistically people can’t move from another country, settle in, get all the documents they need, look for and find a job etc in that time. This was never going to work.

You haven't set boundaries so how do they know they are going wrong? They clearly are feeling very welcomed but can’t use ESP to know how you are feeling.

I really struggle with people who complain but won’t or can’t have the necessary conversation and then it festers and gets this bad.

You should have given them a time limit at the beginning and set some ground rules. The trouble is, if they've come from a country which sees the UK as rich, they probably think you are rolling in it and can afford to carry them for as long as it takes. You need to sit down and spell it out to them.

And stop buying treats and leaving them where your visitors can help themselves. Keep your chocolate in your room. Lay off the smoked salmon until they've gone, or perhaps even get a little fridge for your room and keep your special stuff there. Fill the cupboards with basic, budget stuff for them and only enough for meals, not endless treats.

Unfortunately you are just going to have to bite the bullet and set ground rules, which include getting a job and paying their way and not eating and drinking all your stuff…or they fuck off back home. And set a time frame. You have 21 days to get a job or you are going home. And in the meantime, stop eating and drinking all our stuff

They are behaving like they are on an AI holiday!

Would you feel OK saying that you've been happy to try and help them, but you are at the point where it isn't financially sustainable for you. In 2 weeks time they have to start buying all their own food, as you can't provide everything any more. Also agree with pp thst they need a deadline to leave.

I bloody well hope not. You shouldn't be able to just pitch up from another country, make a half arsed effort to get work then present yourself homeless to the council. If they can't get work soon, and work that pays well enough to be able to afford their own rent in a house share, then they'll have to get straight on the plane back home.

This, did they come over with prior permission to work? This doesn't usually happen without some sort of sponsorship.

Good luck tomorrow OP. I still think it needs a defined deadline or they go back home. Hard to do though, so sympathies.

Maybe people should read the thread - OP is not in uk

I don't think Romania as OP says that they have come "to Europe"

Yeh, my analogy wasn't a good one! So, maybe a country in Africa, Asia, South America.... conditions are tough back home and they have managed to secure an EU passport through a grandparental connection so can come stay with the OP in the EU country she lives in. OP is from the same country originally but has been in the EU for many years. Something like that?

I think the OP needs to give these visitors the heads up about the costs and responsibilities she has. They may be under the impression that she's so well off by comparison that everything is on the house and there's no rush to pay their way. Culture and unrealistic expectations at play here. Would they appreciate that smoked salmon, gin and fancy chocolate is treat stuff not everyday fayre?

I’m the breadwinner. It’s my responsibility to look after my family. But that wasn’t my question hence why I’m ignoring anyone making comments on that subject.

Perhaps they genuinely don’t know “how it works”. If they are young and from another culture I do think you should have sat down with them and talked about what was expected of them before they came to stay with you.

if someone opened their house up to me and invited me to eat with them etc how am I to know that some of the food is out of bounds if they don’t tell me? If I have been told to make myself at home why should I eat ham if my preference is for salmon. Of course if someone then told me that they’d rather that I didn’t touch it I would be a massive CF if I then ate the whole lot! They might think that you are incredibly wealthy and don’t mind.

Don’t get too resentful. Assume that they have misunderstood and have a chat with them. Their response will tell you all you need to know about what your next move should be.

Oh FFS people, READ the OP before going on about permission to work etc.

EU citizens can work in any EU country, they DO NOT NEED PERMITS OR VISAS! That is totally beside the point.

Huh

so if you’re the breadwinner, that means you can move in and allow to squat CF family relatives for an unending period of time in your family home?

After 10 weeks any grown adult should know “how it works”. They can go to a supermarket and check out the prices knowing they will need to stand on their own 2 feet shortly. In their home country they know what foods are cheap and what are not cheap. Ham is cheap but a normal sandwich filling like here. Smoked salmon is not.

any responsible adult would have a little bit of awareness about these sorts of things if they cared that they were staying rent free. They know someone is paying for their food, they just don’t care.

Channel some of this feistiness and logic…. Towards your CF relatives rather than a mumsnetter!

But they obviously either dont know how it works or are blatantly taking the piss. Either way you need to sit them down and set strict boundaries. Tell them clearly what they are allowed to eat (cereal/porridge, ham sandwiches, pasta etc) and that you wont be providing alcohol. Give a deadline for when they need to have accepted a job, any job. Ask for weekly updates on what plans they have for their housing and set a date for when they need to be out.

Suggest to your relatives that if they're not in work and paying their way, or whatever conditions you impose, by a date decided by you, that they then return to their home country as things where you are won't change so the current arrangement will need to end

I'm not debating the rights or wrongs if it. But if they're entitled to it then why shouldn't they? If they're not they'll be told so but guided towards other housing options.
Presumably they're allowed to work here and pay tax? I wasn't suggesting they should claim loads of benefits.