AIBU to expect more from my DDs private prep school ?

[wishingonme]

DD5 is just finishing reception and I’m not happy about her school.

The teachers don’t provide enough updates on the children and when they do, it’s very generic. There doesn’t seem to be any particular focus on the individual child’s strengths and weaknesses or key areas of interest / talent.

We aren’t told there are problems or anything, but then get reports and DD is in some ‘ emerging ‘ categories. We would like to be told if she’s behind in areas, so we can help at home- before the report comes out.

parents evening is so generic. The work they do at the school is not as advanced as some other schools we know ( some state and others private ). For example, some reception children are doing more advanced maths in state schools, whereas our school has focused on reading in reception and less on maths.

Our DD is extremely advanced in many areas, yet she’s being kept in reception - whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths. I don’t think our school would do that.

am I expecting too much ? I expect the children to be pushed and not behind other schools and I expect more individual attention- otherwise what am I paying for ?

But is she understanding and remembering it, able to infer what might happen next, put herself in the emotions of the characters etc, explain why they are doing what they are doing in the book? That's what teachers are looking for when deciding which level working at, not the ability to recite words off a page.

My 5 year old is reading chapter books at home, with 200+ pages. But at school she remains on the standard level for her age, as she hasn't yet mastered the skills around true comprehension.

In terms of maths, you say she is advanced? In what way? Again, is she understanding it, or just reeling off times tables from memory - that's what they are looking for, a depth of understanding.

When is her birthday? Is she one of oldest in year? That can cause you to feel like needs to be in year above, but it all evens out.

The reception year is all about settling into school life and really nurturing their communication, language and socialising. Obviously maths, reading and writing is important, but do not underestimate the other stuff. Have you looked at a copy of the EYFS framework to see the expectations for a state reception class?

The school definitely should be keeping you in the loop on the areas your child needs support with. However, there is a thing about being too pushy, where the child just switches off.

IMO, you're not happy with the school, so might be worth considering your options.

I used to be a reception teacher before having my children.

I wouldn’t move her if her social side is the part that she’s (even formally) emerging with. That’s the bit I’d work on at this point. Being able to have a settled social circle, making good choices with friendships. And expanding that friendship circle into extra curricular stuff so she has friends outside school and inside.
it’s about learning to make and maintain proper friendships, work as a team. Not just the surface acquaintance stuff.

children thrive where they are happy.

In reception children worked their way through books by levels. Some were still on 3 letter words whilst others were reading complete sentences. The more you read at home the quicker you progressed through the levels. They didn't need to go up a year to access harder books. Clever children don't regularly get moved up, teachers differentiate work in class by having for example different tables by ability. It wouldn't be good socially for a child to move up a year. In later years they have gifted and talented groups who get set harder work.

Loving your work!

ROFL, did you realise it’s still a (large) group setting? You are just paying for having a smaller group relatively. Everything else is the same academically. In fact, private schools have more holidays.
Unless you are living in an area with a lot of social housing, rough neighbourhood etc, you are wasting your money.

You've caused confusion by saying she's "held back" when you mean she's progressing through the years normally but you would like her to be put up a year I think? As an aside I know three people from my own (private) school who were put up a year, all in our 40s now, I don't think it was good for any of them emotionally and socially. Think hard about that being what you want. Really at 5 the only thing that matters is a love of learning. You're obviously concerned so it does sound like you should have a meeting with the teacher and may wish to change schools. There is a big mismatch between yours and the school's perception of progress, at that age it can just be due to shyness and not showing what they can do at the time of assessment so investigate if it's that. It doesn't sound like you need to worry too much, she's only five.

I’ve read through the OP’s posts. I wonder if the issue here is that the school are not particularly good at communicating with parents - possibly because they have a policy of keeping them at arm’s length. It’s a pity if so because parents will forgive a lot in a school which is really great at communication.

The OP mentions that her daughter is staying with her class (not that she is staying behind in Reception). The school really should have managed parents’ expectations, unless moving up a year at this age is common at this school (I would be surprised if it is).

I remember our old headmaster (prep school) saying that he stopped setting in Maths and English, partly because it meant those in the top set were sometimes complacent but mainly because the parents of those in the bottom set became very insecure. A good school should be able to provide differentiated work, particularly if the range of abilities is not all that great.

I have heard of rumours of some discussions as to whether a boy (many years ago) would be moved up a year. I do not know how serious the school were (it didn’t happen) but I do know that lots of parents were talking about it. If you move one child up then the parents of a bunch of others (who may have similar priorities) will want to know why theirs weren’t also moved.

Oh, don't. Five grand isn't worth the hassle.

Our DD is extremely advanced in many areas, yet she’s being kept in reception - whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths. I don’t think our school would do that.

But her teachers have noted that she's needed a lot of catch up in her social skills "emergent" - so jumping a year is not really in her interests @wishingonme

She's only 5, FFS. Give her time to enjoy being in that lovely time of starting to become independent and herself, without all the pressure of achievement.

If she's so advanced, she'll be fine. You could read to her at home & integrate maths etc into ordinary family life. I see the end results (university undergrads) of pushy parenting which focuses on which level or class a child is in, and often in comparison to others. The kids are nervy, panicked, and scared of not achieving. And thus aren't actually in the best place for quality learning.

There's enough time to thrash her on the exam treadmill when she's 14. Give her her childhood, FFS.

Enrich it by all means - what do you & her father read with her? Are you engaging her in other enriching activities - dance classes, some sort of athletic or physical exercise, art galleries, age-appropriate theatre - that sort of thing ...

You realise that you are ‘that’ parent, don’t you @wishingonme?

if you are as rude to teachers as you are in here, they must dread talking to you.

As for your child.. they sound like many others. Good at some things, developing in others. There are many years of schooling ahead… try not to be so pushy, the pressure will be awful.

Come OP- Tell us what your child can read and what maths work they do...

Is the 11+ really that intense? I took it, and so did my kids and there was no drama at all. Not in school or out.

If it's stressful and damaging why would you do it?

OP, your attitude absolutely stinks.

You are coming across as pushy and rude.

It is not entirely surprising that the area in which your DD has struggled is in "making relationships", if this is how you talk to people.

School isn't just about reading and times tables and skipping years (to what end?). It's also about learning how to function in society. No good being a maths whizz if you have no interpersonal skills and can't tie your shoelaces.

She shouldn’t be kept in year R!

She's not going to be...

The irony!
I have only read your posts.
Your first post is quite different to what you have gone on to say.

I was going to say something like this. I remember a friend tutoring her daughter for the 4+ - it was a young woman who did things like reading a story halfway and then closing the book and asking the girl what she thought happened next. Realistically, it isn’t an exam at 4+, it’s things like draw a picture of a person, have a civil conversation with an unfamiliar adult, listen to someone reading a story and answer questions about it.

Hi, OP -

I an a STEM academic in a very mathematically based field. I sympathise, and will begin by saying that the lack of clear feedback does sound a problem. You and DD would always deserve better, but particularly from a fee paying school.

However PP are correct that acceleration is not best practice in maths education. It is the easy way out and can be socially problematic. Sometimes even gifted children do not mature cognitively as needed to keep up with accelerated learning. This approach can backfire badly when they would do well on the standard timetable.

Additional depth and breadth are much better. These are usually more interesting activities and build subject matter enthusiasm while reinforcing classroom learning. For maths, the NRich materials online are one good place to start. They are suitable for Reception through A levels.

Best wishes

There is only drama if drama is created.
My year 4 DD has just started her 11+ tutoring at Easter. She goes with a friend, enjoys it, we aren't putting too much pressure on it, telling her that whether or not she passes, the tutoring will still have been worthwhile to give her a bit of a boost in maths and English and it's not all about passing.

I mean if they’re not doing what you’re expecting then yes. Move her.

you’re paying for it so you can send her anywhere. Somewhere more what you’re looking for.

simples

We would like to be told if she’s behind in areas, so we can help at home- before the report comes out.

Shes 5!

The poor thing should be coming home and playing, spending quality time with loved ones, being outdoors and learning life skills.

If the school thinks she’s so behind that she needs intervention, then I’d happily accept.
Otherwise just focus on the more important things.

OP, if you’d like more feedback, just ask for it. Our school are very ‘nurturing’ but if you need the nitty gritty of CAT scores and attainment levels you can get them if you ask. Ask why she isn’t being stretched, and genuinely listen to the answer to understand rather than to automatically argue back.

Your description sounds pretty standard from what we have experience across 3 kids at prep and pre-prep.

I don’t suspect you actually want any advice, but just in case, mine would be to relax, trust the school and focus on ensuring your daughter is happy.

And finally, please be more polite to the school than you are being to us. Children have been asked to leave at our school due to the mother’s rudeness. It is noticed, and commented on. Don’t be ‘that parent’, you do already sound like you might be.

It’s not her reading comprehension that’s poor.

It’s your writing skills.

Many posters were confused. Maybe take that on board and do better yourself? Learn to be more clear and concise.

You're rather combatative in your responses.

If you're not happy with feedback from the school, thus far, then request a meeting with the form teacher.

If you're not happy with the school during the next academic year, then you have the option of taking your money, your 'advanced' 5 year old and your expectations to a more suitable academic establishment.

HTH.