AIBU to expect more from my DDs private prep school ?

[wishingonme]

DD5 is just finishing reception and I’m not happy about her school.

The teachers don’t provide enough updates on the children and when they do, it’s very generic. There doesn’t seem to be any particular focus on the individual child’s strengths and weaknesses or key areas of interest / talent.

We aren’t told there are problems or anything, but then get reports and DD is in some ‘ emerging ‘ categories. We would like to be told if she’s behind in areas, so we can help at home- before the report comes out.

parents evening is so generic. The work they do at the school is not as advanced as some other schools we know ( some state and others private ). For example, some reception children are doing more advanced maths in state schools, whereas our school has focused on reading in reception and less on maths.

Our DD is extremely advanced in many areas, yet she’s being kept in reception - whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths. I don’t think our school would do that.

am I expecting too much ? I expect the children to be pushed and not behind other schools and I expect more individual attention- otherwise what am I paying for ?

I mentioned my own supposed academic prowess as a small child and how it went to shit as a teenager - I still feel the shame of it all now. Even typing this I feel teary. It wasn’t my fault, I know that deep down, and my parents never pushed me at all and have always been supportive but the shame of not living up to the expectations that my school foisted upon me remain to this day. It’s so dangerous to have the OPs attitude, it’s very damaging.

Don’t they stream the kids for maths, English and phonics? You should know from the groupings where your DD sits, as well as understand what she needs to get to next phase. School reports (we get them twice a year) generally say: working to expected standard, working in greater depth and another that means there is work to do. What do the reports say and what is the frequency?

Calm down. You realise you are talking about a 5yo😳.

The school isn't the type of school you want for your child. In your situation, I would change schools to one with an ethos you want.

Omg chill out, she’s 5 years old. Stop being so pushy. She sounds like she’s doing fine.

Get some therapy so you can think about your anxiety. Don’t ruin your child’s life with this obsession with over-achievement.

Believe me, I went to one of the best schools in the UK. Academic achievement guarantees nothing in life.

Don't move her up a year you are setting her up to fail socially.

I've seen it play out in secondary the girl was gifted but she was also 2 years younger than some of her class mates and ended up feeling ostracised then behaving angrily towards her class mates which made her more ostracised.

She ended up feeling bullied even though there wasn't any targeted bullying it was more they didn't relate and while her class mates were having sleepovers she wasn't able too. The reality is there's a big difference in just 11 and 13 nearly 14.

Remember just because a child is excellent and ahead academically doesn't mean they are emotionally and socially on the same level.

I’m a reception teacher. We have to submit data to the local authority! I doubt they are lying when they say she is emerging! However it depends what she is emerging in. Can you be more specific and I might be able to help you as the goals are specific and I can tell you exactly what you need to do to help.

Its not all about the school though. My eldest was years ahead in maths (state school) before he even started because he just "got" numbers.

A child who is less able could have brilliant 1 to 1 teaching and simply not be ready/able enough to achieve at a higher level.

If your DD is "emerging" in some areas however this should not have come as a surprise in her reports however, the school should have mentioned it earlier and a) explained what interventions they were offering to provide more support & b) given suggestions of what you could do at home to help.

This.
You would not be the first parent who thinks their child is more advanced than the school do.
And they may be more focused on educating the child than micromanaging information for parents (remember they do have other children to cater for).
But by all means look elsewhere if child is not happy.

This is what emerging means;

In a child's report, "emerging" generally means that a child is beginning to grasp the concepts or skills being assessed, but is not yet consistently demonstrating them at the expected level. It indicates that the child is developing, but may require additional support and practice to reach the expected standard

it sounds like she may need a bit of additional support to get up to the expected standard for finishing reception, BUT every child learns differently and she may be just not clicking with the way that they’re teaching. If you say she’s exceptionally bright and yet School say she’s not grasping or demonstrating the expected level there’s definitely a disconnect happening. Have you been into the school and spoken to them and explained that you believe she’s a very bright child and I therefore concerned as to why she’s been reported as emerging? I would request a meeting with a teacher just to chat about what’s happening. YET I absolutely agree with everyone when they’re saying that she’s five years old, five is so little and in many Scandinavian states she would not have even started school yet, although these countries actually out perform in the UK by A-level years. I really shouldn’t worry I would focus on building learning into every day activities things like baking, bedtime reading, playing games like I spy when out in the car. Maybe watching things like Numberblocks and Alphablocks together and chatting about those things afterwards the Numberblocks magazines are really good.
I have a son who’s just finishing year one, his teacher and reception was about to retire and if I’m honest was not the best. Despite him coming out of reception with exceptional in every category, and reading at probably a year ahead, I still felt like his teacher had not given him individual opportunities to stretch himself, but I let it go because he’s little , his behaviour hadn’t been affected and he had friends and was happy. This year we got a new teacher who has a completely different approach and has stretched him lots and also worked on the areas where he would’ve found things a little bit more trick, like failing, sitting still, and managing his bonus energy.
If you’re not happy after a meeting, you’re paying a lot of money for this so I would consider moving your child, but remember they are very small. My oldest couldn’t read until year two and yet he’s about to finish year six as the highest achieving reader in the school, after receiving a dyslexia diagnosis. Kids are amazing love them laugh with them play with them and encourage them and they will achieve, not just academically but all round. Xx

You come across as quite aggressive OP and that’s not going to help you build the relationships with teachers that will support your child. As others have said, she’s five. There’s no rush. Putting her under pressure now will blow up in your face later on. Fostering a love of learning is the single most important goal in early years education.

whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths.

I'd be stunned if this were to be true as its very very out of step with current focus on "keep up not catch up" and "mastery" in state schools. There's a bid to close the gap between low amd high attainers and part of this includes not encouraging high attainers to race on and cover material from later years.

How advanced does a reception age child need to be in terms of mathematics?
And why are you comparing your daughter to a child who happens to be extremely advanced in the subject, and attends a different school?

If the leavers' destination look good, like half of the kids get into highly selective schools at 11+, maybe the children will be stretched more in few years. Just talk to the parents with older siblings at the school. And a lot of kids (in London) will have an 11+ tutor anyway - but will never admit it to strangers, even anonymously on MN :))
Believe me, there's a lot of pushy parent around, but it's not in British culture to be open about it, that's why MN is not the right place to ask questions like this. Look at 7+, 10+, 11+ FB groups instead.

Are you planning to have fun with your child during the summer break or do you see it as an opportunity to push her into achieving some imaginary level of learning that you seem to think other children are managing? I have the feeling you don’t actually know many other five year olds, either that or you are glued to Facebook and Instagram and believe every little lie exaggerated claim you read on there.

Here’s a thought for you. No matter how much you feed it a chihuahua will never grow to the size of a Great Dane, so enjoy living with the quirks and delights of a chihuahua .

I had a friend with parents like this. Bless her, she was “so bright” (tbf, she was), but she was pushed and pushed and moved ahead a year (we were also in private school). Everything focused on churning out a top student. Except she didn’t get to be a child. She was just rushed through under a lot of pressure by pushy parents.

She made it through one year of uni before crashing out. She married some abusive loser at 19 and loafing around for a few years rebelling against everything. She did everything sort herself and got divorced and went back to uni and is doing well for herself now. But the pressure and expectations did her no favours.

Let her be a child. Not all children are good at all things. I have one who is excellent at sport and one who is excellent at maths, but pretty mediocre at everything else. That’s totally fine. They are happy and nurtured and not being put under unnecessary pressure to perform.

We aren’t told there are problems or anything, but then get reports and DD is in some ‘ emerging ‘ categories. We would like to be told if she’s behind in areas, so we can help at home- before the report comes out.

This part of your OP stood out to me. You should be helping at home regardless. If you did you would know what she is struggling with. It sounds like you're treating her as an assignment you're getting assessed on and you're grumpy at your teacher for not providing enough guidance on your draft so you could fix it before it was marked.

You're comparing her progress to children at other schools and asking why your 5 year old isn't being put up grades. At 5 there can be noticeable differences in capabilities but these don't necessarily persist once they're a few years in to school and the other kids have caught up.

@mindutopia I agree completely. I was the same as your friend and also crashed out of uni after 2 terms.

My daughter is at a prep school which sounds a bit like OP's tbh but I don't care. She's happy, settled and her class is a great wee group. There's nothing more important than that. OP needs to give her head a wobble.

No wonder there's a mental health crisis among our children. You do realise that in Finland - with one of the best school systems in the world - they don't start academic work till the age of seven. Before that it's play based learning and development. They try to minimise the kind of pressure you're seeking to impose on your child. It works. They are a happy society. I don't suppose you'll change, but try to have a rethink, at least.

I have 2 DC at a selective private school. DS has just finished his GCSE’s, he’s a late August born and Junior school was a bit of a struggle for him. He soon caught up at Senior and should get 8’s & 9’s at GCSE’s.

DD is just finishing Y8 and the complete opposite of her brother. She absolutely flew through Junior, she was ‘greater depth’ across the board, academically, socially and with her sport. She’s November born so has the advantage of being old for year, but it’s clear she’s very bright. She got straight A* s for her end of year 8 exams, is on a sports scholarship and competing at national level in her main sport and county level in her second.

There has been absolutely no discussion about moving her up a year and we wouldn’t allow it even if suggested. She’s best off in a year group with her peers - given the selective nature of the school, there are many other very bright kids in her year. From a social perspective, it’s much better for her to remain in the right year and for her sport, she’s also better off competing in the right age group. She’s happy, confident and thriving, I have absolutely no interest in disrupting that, just for ‘bragging rights’ that she’s been moved up.

Children may be advanced in say maths and reading but socially they need to be with their peers. It would be very unusual imo for a child to move up a year group. It is usual to have maths and reading that challenges pupils so I’d be focusing on the day to day tasks that your DD is getting in school.
Also in Year R there is way more to learning than maths and reading it is about learning independence, social skills, listening and speaking. Also if DD is happy and feels positive about going to school then that would be the most important thing for me right now. She has years to be academically pushed and challenged.

Given she was emerging in making relationships earlier on in the year you’ll do her no favours moving her up. If they can stretch her in her grade for math and reading, great. At the end of the day she’s only 5. Or the kid be a kid.

Visit some other schools. Let them know your DD attainment levels and see if any of them would move her up a year.
Is moving up a year more important than being challenged within her year group? If it is, you might want to avoid schools with a lot of very able/advanced children or theoretically they could all be moved up.
Someone early on suggested you might have chosen a nurturing school rather than a pushy school. This school sounds great for my DC but we're not all the same, so check out your area for other more pushy schools.

Well you’re attracting criticism because of a perception of your attitude towards your (very young) DD’s learning journey. If you don’t want the criticism, don’t publicly ask for an opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️ and certainly don’t patronise your chosen audience (“calm down”?!)

It sounds like you’re looking for a very academic focus. Many private schools aren’t like that, particularly at pre prep level. We use private school for the facilities, for the small classes, for the beautiful surroundings. I care they are learning to enjoy learning but at the age they are (reception and yr 2) I honestly could not care less about whether they are being “pushed” or how they measure up to a state educated child. Maybe you need a different kind of school?