AIBU to expect more from my DDs private prep school ?

[wishingonme]

DD5 is just finishing reception and I’m not happy about her school.

The teachers don’t provide enough updates on the children and when they do, it’s very generic. There doesn’t seem to be any particular focus on the individual child’s strengths and weaknesses or key areas of interest / talent.

We aren’t told there are problems or anything, but then get reports and DD is in some ‘ emerging ‘ categories. We would like to be told if she’s behind in areas, so we can help at home- before the report comes out.

parents evening is so generic. The work they do at the school is not as advanced as some other schools we know ( some state and others private ). For example, some reception children are doing more advanced maths in state schools, whereas our school has focused on reading in reception and less on maths.

Our DD is extremely advanced in many areas, yet she’s being kept in reception - whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths. I don’t think our school would do that.

am I expecting too much ? I expect the children to be pushed and not behind other schools and I expect more individual attention- otherwise what am I paying for ?

I think you need to take a deep breath here. In your OP you said you had had reports and your DD was emerging in SOME areas. Not that she was emerging in one area at the end of nursery when she is now I’m assuming, finishing reception. That is what is confusing people so to keep telling them to calm down is rude.
Your school will not have concentrated on literacy at the expense of maths because both have to be achieved in reception within their early learning goals to get their GLD (good level of development). That is measured on achieved or not achieved with no other levels.
Let your daughter develop at her own rate. There is no ‘pushing’ small children. Some just do learn and understand things at an earlier stage and some take a bit longer but they all get there. No child is moved up beyond their year group just because they are exceeding or working at greater depth. They are just provided with stretch and challenge during lessons. This is so their social and emotional needs can be kept in mind and they can develop age appropriate friendships, and your child being happy and wanting to go to school is the most important thing. Don’t make school a battleground already-you have years to go and you just end up making your kid feel like shit.

People are going by what you've said in your op.

Send her to state school if your prep school do any impress. She'll do perfectly well. Why do you need to know she's emerging instead of ahead before the report? That's what the report is for. Or are you embarrassed it's in writing?

You are being rude to posters now. Perhaps you yourself need to work on your social skills.

It might be that they are assessing your child against the levels that they are meant to achieve by the end of the year. I have seen this in schools before. I don't like it because it seems the child is somehow lower than they should be, when in fact "emerging" is where they should be at that age.

If a child this age isn’t enjoying school then being clever means nothing anyway. All you will do is make her dread/hate going to school in the long term.

Socialising is as important as academics in school. If they jump years they can ruin relationships with peers, why would you want your child to be younger than everyone else when they are teenagers. It’s a recipe for disaster.

When you have been on MN you will see lots of posts of people who say their small child is extraordinarily clever etc. then other children catch up. They are all growing so much as this age it’s hard to know where they will end up. Better they love school and learning.

You want your daughter to be put forward a year?

Look I get it I have both been that child and parented that child (16) and for me and for her the most important thing about school was the social and emotional side - the friendships and having fun. Yes keeping on top of the academic side but not at the expense of everything else.

and in nursery and reception the friendship side was a struggle - though the ones she made are still her very close friends today.

She went to Grammar but is leaving the sixth form because she hates the pressure some
of her peers put on themselves and from parents to be perfect all 9s and to go down STEM/Medical routes they don’t want to do

I have had the conversation with my mum and DD about whether I should have been pushed more she should have been pushed more and both of us agree
(a) pushing us would not have helped and we would have wirhdrawn
(b) we both set our ambitions as to what we wanted (GCSEs for her are 8 and 9 plus whatever she can get in Spanish)
(c) we are much much happier with this

Jeez. She’s FIVE FFS.

You sound like an absolute nightmare - for your school and your five year old.

Very, very few schools skip children ahead these days, even if they are exceptionally bright - not just a good reader for their age. There are very good educational and psychological reasons for this. Its much better practice to differentiate work within a year group. I would be wary of schools who routinely skipped children ahead. Why do you want her to finish school sooner?

If you feel like you're not getting enough feedback, I guess you could raise that, but how much do you really want?

She’s 5 FFS, leave her alone. You’re the sort of parent teachers dread talking to. My kids exceeded on several subjects, never did I think they needed to be bumped up a year.

@wishingonme No, you're not asking too much of the school in terms of communication, but if you're not happy with the education she's receiving you could move her (if you feel she's resilient enough to have to make a whole new set of friends somewhere new). Do you not have a good state school locally that she could attend instead? It seems crazy to pay good money for an education you feel is lacking, if your DD could receive a better education elsewhere for free.

School isn't like swimming lessons. Individual children don't move up to the next class when they can do everything. State or private.

The whole cohort moves together every September. They all cover the sane curriculum and some may work at greater depth.

Almost as if you're buying the name and status not a better education.

Having 'emerging' at the beginning of the year is very normal through every year, its often not a reflection on the child but also learning the child's ability and subjects that have not been covered yet.

But I do agree with other posters, your child is five years old, many countries do not even send their children to school at five, let alone have such strong expectations, reception is for early years, social, learning through play, not following curriculum and pushing very young children.

Stop comparing your child to another child too, comparison is the thief of joy, celebrate your child's talents, praise your child for their ability, and please, lower your expectations before your child picks up on this and feels like they are not enough.

As a teacher and a parent, I think what I've noticed over the years is that some children do just pick up certain skills more quickly than others and this is largely down to personality and their interest rather than intelligence. My DD didn't learn to read fluently until year 1 and now in year 5 is at greater depth in reading. She wasn't interested in reading herself when she was little, she just wanted to be read to! She's hated maths all through school and been working towards every year until this year, when she got a teacher who loves maths and has made it really accessible to her. Now she's at expected and is over the moon!
My son read fluently at 3. He's very bright. Exceeding in all academic areas now he's 7. He is also neurodivergent and his social skills are years behind. He increasingly seems too young for his year group and he's an October birthday. He would fall apart in the year above.

For my own kids the biggest indicator of their enjoyment at school was always how confident they felt and how well they were getting on socially. Putting a child a year ahead out of their chronological year group could be disastrous for this, which is why I've never seen it done. There are hundreds of parents every year keeping their children back from starting school to avoid them being the youngest in their class. It seems bizarre to want to go the other way.

@wishingonme parents who want their kids stretched academically choose particular selective schools with entrance exams for 4+ etc. These schools are normally chosen based on their leavers' destinations at 11+.
Non-selective independent schools are not better than state schools academically.
There's plenty of parents in London preparing their toddlers for entry exams, but they keep quiet here to not be labelled pushy.

Hey @wishingonme ,

I was just like your daughter - very advanced in most subjects, a little off at relationships. I still have the report that says how much further ahead I was for reading and my overall ability score was much higher than for others of my age. It all went to shit in high school and it turned out I had undiagnosed audhd and generally I haven’t been able to hold down a stable career and am currently a SAHM in my 30s.

Be careful what you wish for OP, all that glitters is often not good. Enjoy your daughter and let her be.

DS2 is at a wonderful state school, and was at a state junior school before that. He was 'identified' as gifted very early on, and achieved very high GCSE grades. Now doing four A levels and looking at applying to Cambridge/Imperial for university. He's just one of life's bright kids and has always loved learning new things. Both schools were/are great- very involved, very supportive. I really couldn't have asked for a better teaching environment for him (and his brother, who was there before him)

It took him longer to mature emotionally than some of his peers, although he's caught up now. He would have struggled in all areas other than academically if he'd jumped up a year. Childhood is so short, it shouldn't be shortened even further.

I’m also confused at what advanced means for a 5 year old!

100% agree.

OP there is no such thing as ‘behind’, every child develops at a different rate.

Please look up the mental health crisis we have in children and teens and how young people are so under pressure to achieve top academic success. Please don’t put this pressure on your child.

Leave the bastards.

Emerging into your year group at the beginning of the year would mean the child is on track to be working at expecting level by the end of the academic year. She was never behind, it’s just the wording used can be confusing.

Theyre in reception. It should be learning through play with basic academic skills.
All the children will be at different levels.
I imagine if toh went to state school you would also complain about the class size, the fact there will be seversl children in a class with learning difficulties and take additional teacher time to support these children, that some children will be severely disadvantaged becuase of family issues and take extra teaxher and support time. That the classes aren't streamed and mix ability and that sports and arts teaching is severely underfunded. That school trips are minimal and often to the local areas.
We went from private reception to state as the private school said they wouldnt support my son who was presenting with adhd.
The parents at the private school, were actually all but one, absolute nightmare people. I am glad we moved. People are much nicer.. poorer but a lot nicer.

Please look up the mental health crisis we have in children and teens and how young people are so under pressure to achieve top academic success. Please don’t put this pressure on your child.

Absolutely, I’ve had referrals for children who present with chronic pain and mental health problems because they’ve been pushed too far by their parents and can’t cope with the constant pressure. It’s very sad.

Our school has that.

Reception is more about settling in, learning routines, social skills and personal development than it is about forging ahead in maths and English.
The children that are "exceeding" in Reception are generally so because they are older in the year, have educated parents and/or have developed key skills such as fine motor movements either.

I'd be wary of wanting your child pushed ahead - academically it's better to strengthen sideways e.g. rather than teach them the next maths concept, can you introduce them to logical thinking or teach them chess or other games. If they can read well, them let them go out and read!
If the areas they are performing less well in are more social skills/personal maturity related, that's another sign that it's a bad idea to push them ahead of their chronological age - they need to remain with their peers and learn age appropriate skills, rather than being considered "babyish" in a too old class.