AIBU to expect more from my DDs private prep school ?

[wishingonme]

DD5 is just finishing reception and I’m not happy about her school.

The teachers don’t provide enough updates on the children and when they do, it’s very generic. There doesn’t seem to be any particular focus on the individual child’s strengths and weaknesses or key areas of interest / talent.

We aren’t told there are problems or anything, but then get reports and DD is in some ‘ emerging ‘ categories. We would like to be told if she’s behind in areas, so we can help at home- before the report comes out.

parents evening is so generic. The work they do at the school is not as advanced as some other schools we know ( some state and others private ). For example, some reception children are doing more advanced maths in state schools, whereas our school has focused on reading in reception and less on maths.

Our DD is extremely advanced in many areas, yet she’s being kept in reception - whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths. I don’t think our school would do that.

am I expecting too much ? I expect the children to be pushed and not behind other schools and I expect more individual attention- otherwise what am I paying for ?

If she's expected or exceeding then it sounds like she's where she should be in Reception. She doesn't sound like she should be up a year.

I would be concerned with the lack of clear feedback. You should have an end of year report and a parent teacher meeting that cover exactly your child.

That seems quite sad to me.

She's 5 😂.

People are funny, just because you have money for private school doesn't mean your child is going to be academically gifted. Maybe she's just an average student or maybe she's just bloody 5!

You have a right to know why your daughter is rated as "emerging" as well as you deserve a clear feedback on her performance during parents ' evening, in advance of thecreports being produced. I personally can't stand the wishy-washy ways of giving feedback. That's not why I am paying, thank you very much.

If it is an academic prep school, they will probably stream them in maths when they get older, you will get end of year/term exam marks once they get a bit older and you may get year group averages so you will have an idea of how well your child is doing in the year group. This can come as a bit of a shock to some parents. There are usually stretch sessions for the more able.

It is pretty unheard of for private schools to put children up a year. This is for social reasons and because they would miss out on chunks of the curriculum.

A lot of academic schools do 7+, so you could go for that if you aren’t happy with your school.

Parents who made it to the top without connections and family wealth think they are actually making their DC's lives easier by getting them into the right schools from the beginning.

It might sound crazy for the ones who have been coasting throught their lives but it is definitely a thing here.

From a very average family from up north. Was way ahead of everyone at 6 but moved schools ans was not pushed at all (for reasons out of my parents control) daughter is coming up 7 and had 7+ offers from two amazing schools in London, one of which she will join in September. 5 is most certainly not too young to be pushed a bit. Kids are in private academies at 4 in some countries.

Also, once you become familiar with the 7+ and 11+ processes, you realise the 7+ is pretty gentle and by far the best way in (to a great school). You're actually doing your child a huge favour by pushing them at 5, because if you don't and end up going at the 11+....now that is intense, stressful and potentially damaging. Particularly if they're behind at 7/8/9 due to this ridiculous 'they can't be kids if they have to put any focus on maths or writing at 5' attitude. They should be left alone with an iPad instead obviously.

This. I have a friend teaching in a private school who isn't even a qualified teacher. Better to find a good state school.

Especially when it's her social skills that are areas for development.

DS has an extremely high IQ. In some areas, he’s officially in the top 2% of his age group.

We view primary school as an opportunity to work on relationships and being in a group, and to deal with instructions and expectations.

At home, we go with his interests, offering him sideways enrichment opportunities. I taught him chess at 5, and we went through pretty high-level tactics at 7. He has toys and art supplies to let his extensive creativity fly. We go to museums, exhibitions, shows, and we travel. We look out for books and media related to his interests and related topics. And we help him recognise what makes him calm and happy. In his case, it’s sport, audio books and creativity.

If your child is intelligent, schoolwork is unlikely to be difficult for a long time. However, intelligence can go hand in hand with rumination and an overactive brain. It can cause a spiky social profile (being ahead and behind of peers at the same time, making her different). And it can become her identity, which is tricky once she’s been funnelled into a group where everyone is intelligent and her identity…disappears.

At 5, ‘intelligence’ can change. An excellent reader in DS’ class has hyperlexia, not above average intelligence. He’s already struggling with his teacher’s expectations, which he just can’t meet.

Give your daughter time, and every opportunity to develop every part of her personality. If she’s bored, look at enrichment like music (which DS hated, so we stopped). Help her recognise what makes her feel calm and happy. And if she remains very bright and academic, look for secondary provision which will support and encourage that.

Speaking at someone who has spent 17 years teaching infants... Something doesn't add up.
School say she's "emerging" (which believe me, they won't do lightly. Schools are judged on how many are "at expected level" and "at greater depth". Too many kids at "emerging" is very poor for league tables.)
You say she's "extremely advanced"...
These two statements aren't really compatible.

And if they are asking her to repeat reception, I've only seen that in really serious circumstances. ie: Children with very profound special needs. Which it doesn't sound from your OP like your DD has... Even if she's not exactly excelling, but falls in the realm of "normal, slightly low ability 5yo", that's no reason to keep her back.
Their reasons for wanting to hold her back should have been discussed with you repeatedly, and over a period of many months. You shouldn't be hearing about their concerns for the first time in an end of year school report. If what they're saying is true, then they've failed you and your DD.

If you're not happy with the school, then you are perfectly free to go elsewhere. Private schools are a business first and foremost. Take your money and try somewhere different.

But that being said... She's 5 and this is her first year in school. She's got all the time in the world to become really great at maths. More importantly (I think), is that she's happy, enjoying her learning, making friends and having fun.

If the school isn’t working for you then you are are a paying customer and look for a different private school or just contact your local authority and request a yr1 place for September, they will find her a state school place (might not be your preferred choice)
Some sounds like you aren’t familiar with system in England eg children don’t get moved up year groups. Reception can be a shock if your child was at a nursery where they told you everything/gave you daily reports.
It sounds like child is now meeting or exceeding all expectations and has caught up on area she needed to with support from school.
If she’s happy and enjoying school I’d not be in a rush to move her. Yr1 at my dc’s primary was more traditionally academic, mine loved it some kids really struggled with lack of playing.

"Am I expecting too much?"

Yes.

Your child is 5. This is an age where children may still be having toileting accidents, tantrums, little run arounds when they should be listening...

Reception is still a lot of play based learning, understanding how to act in a class room, getting to know peers, familiarising themselves with the shool system...

It's bizarre to me that you're focusing on maths and what other schools are doing. They're not prepping for GCSEs.

Anyway, if this is your view on the school, it may well be best for you and the school if you do go elsewhere- to a more academically minded pre prep.

FWIW, we love our DS's pre-prep because it has been nurturing and there's wonderful pastoral care. They've had a range of enriching experiences / activities.
I haven't a clue what level of maths they're doing, but that isn't a priority for me in reception.

'Emerging' rating is what you should expect from a child in reception. Her abilities are just that as she has just started school. I think you are being unreasonable.

Maybe your impression of your daughter is not reflected at school. She maybe advanced but maybe she is in a strong peer group.

I suspect she means “doing stuff on White Rose/Doodle Maths/with a tutor which is two years ahead”, not that some child in year 2 in a state school goes up to year 4 for his maths lessons.

Most state school classes are able to give differentiated work to stretch everyone - DS has always been working at greater depth in all areas (as have at least two other children in his class, he is not an outlier) and the school have always been able to push him. Written multi-stage problems in maths instead of basic sums, etc, but on the same topics as everyone else.

DS’s school did have mixed year 1-2 phonics lessons, but that wasn’t because DS was “a year ahead” - it’s because the spread of abilities in year 1/2 was so wide.

wow for someone who’s spent 17 years teaching, your reading comprehension is shockingly poor. Please read my posts before commenting.

In what way is her reading advanced @wishingonme ? What sort of books is she reading?

Move your DD to a state school. If she's so advanced, she'll be fine.

You sounds like an utter nightmare who is liable to turn their child off from learning…and I say that as someone with a poor upbringing who got themselves into a top law school, two postgrads (one in law) and with three offspring with A/A* a levels and great future career prospects. None of which is said to boast, but to suggest that the key to academic success is not ramming education down children’s throats but balance and encouragement and engagement…please think about you daughter’s mental health and well being before you start pushing her and potentially impacting negatively on her childhood…

My dgd was slow at learning to read and write and in a school that placed much more emphasis on nurturing than academic issues, but I still think she will end up doing well in university because she looks school and loves studying and hasn't been burnt out by a pushy parent

Wow! Really! You are very defensive! I’ve read this thread! You clearly haven’t worded things correctly!! I am a reception teacher too and absolutely read it in the same way as this person!!

Is your dd showing signs of being bored ? Or is she happy and developing as a child of her age should ?

I have to admit, I only read your first post before commenting. But I did then go back and read your follow-ups.
WOW. Your first post was incredibly mis-leading, and judging based on other people's comments, I wasn't the only one to mis-understand. You missed out pretty much ALL the relevant detail, and much of what you said in your original post actually turned out to be factually inaccurate, and perhaps even deliberately misleading. Then, rather than politely correct me, you attack ME? Your ability to write accurately, without needing multiple clarifications, is abysmal.

I bet your kids school can't wait for you to leave. Little party in the staffroom to celebrate, I bet. What an obnoxiously rude little woman.

How do you think moving her up academically will impact her socially?

Reception and year 1 include far more play than other years so the fact you want your dc to skip playing concerns me. Let her be her age with peers. It may not be the right school for you but if she’s happy then it might be the right school for her - consider her mental health before switching schools. As the mum of 3 teens, nurturing mental health is a far more important part of parenting than A*s.

OP you have told more than one poster to calm down and been rude to others offering advice - I think you should take your own advice. You are going to cause your 5 year old anxiety being so hyper and picking apart the schooling, reports etc. Just let her be she is 5 if the school doesn't meet your expectations move her