AIBU to expect more from my DDs private prep school ?

[wishingonme]

DD5 is just finishing reception and I’m not happy about her school.

The teachers don’t provide enough updates on the children and when they do, it’s very generic. There doesn’t seem to be any particular focus on the individual child’s strengths and weaknesses or key areas of interest / talent.

We aren’t told there are problems or anything, but then get reports and DD is in some ‘ emerging ‘ categories. We would like to be told if she’s behind in areas, so we can help at home- before the report comes out.

parents evening is so generic. The work they do at the school is not as advanced as some other schools we know ( some state and others private ). For example, some reception children are doing more advanced maths in state schools, whereas our school has focused on reading in reception and less on maths.

Our DD is extremely advanced in many areas, yet she’s being kept in reception - whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths. I don’t think our school would do that.

am I expecting too much ? I expect the children to be pushed and not behind other schools and I expect more individual attention- otherwise what am I paying for ?

@wishingonme are you actually looking for her to be accelerated? Do you think that's what should happen because your DD is so advanced at English and maths and you're annoyed the school isn't suggesting it?

If so, is that because you feel like not doing it is going to have negative effects? Or do you just want the kudos and not to feel left behind in comparison to that other kid you know?

I'm not sure accelerating a child above too far above their natural peer group does anyone any favours. Where's the race?

Yeah. If it's a real stress to 'get through' the 11+ maybe the school they get (potentially) into is not the right environment?

She's 5. Poor little bugger.

Stop comparing her to other kids, she's going to have a miserable childhood at this rate. At this age the most important bit is that she's happy and thriving at school. Not being compared to a boy in another school she's not beating.

You’re not going to get much in the way of useful information if you’re going to be snippy.

Of you’re not happy with the school, talk to them or move her. That’s it. Those are your choices.

Op, there are many primary aged kids, I don’t know the percentage, but a good half dozen per class, who will be exceeding in every area in every year. If your child was expected in some areas, and emerging in one, they they will be no where near the top of the class and even further away from the one child in a hundred who is miles ahead. Even they don’t get moved up a year, with good reason.
chill out. Parent the child you have, not the one you want. Let her develop at her own pace.

Don't blame this poster because your OP was muddled and badly worded. People have responded in good faith to information you wrote about your child being assessed as "emerging" in some areas, then you got annoyed because she's not emerging she's apparently exceeding across the board. It's not pp's fault that what you wrote was incorrect. You've posted asking for advice and all you've done is be rude and insulting to people who are trying to advise you.

The irony of OP telling other posters to calm down 😂

You seem quite stressed OP.

The emerging thing isn't an issue any more by the sounds of it, so it's weird you brought it up. It's fairly standard that children will be emerging at the start of the year if the metric is the year end attainment goal (as it is in some independent schools). Ideally they would have explained this to you.

I also think it would be highly unusual for children to be doing y2 maths classes in reception regardless of ability, reception is about much more than academia and should be mostly play based. Is that what the boy you know is doing, or is he two years ahead at an older age?

What have the school said when you've brought all this up? How big are class sizes? Is your DD happy there?

Oh dear op.

It is tempting, natural even, to assume that your dc is the brightest, most advanced dc there ever was. Unfortunately, it’s an almost certainty that they won’t be. I think you may be discovering this fact. Also, paying does not make your dc smarter.

You also seem to sound horrified that someone in a state school is doing “more advanced” maths than your dd. Why does it even matter? It’s entirely possible to be a high achiever at a state school.

Bottom line is she’s 5. She might well be emerging. That is really fine.

Ask why she isn’t being stretched, and genuinely listen to the answer to understand rather than to automatically argue back.

I deeply suspect it's because @wishingonme 's DD is averagely bright for a 5 year old, and "stretching" is unnecessary. I also suspect that the school has a handle on a 5 year old's whole development, not just her reading & maths.

Let your child be a child, FFS.

You wrote:
Our DD is extremely advanced in many areas, yet she’s being kept in reception - whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths. I don’t think our school would do that

"she's being kept in reception".
That's why other posters interpreted that as her having to repeat the reception year.
The way you phrased this is the problem, not the reading comprehension of the other posters.

If you aren't happy, move her.

If your child is doing well in reading and maths, in an 'academic' prep school with selection procedures and an impressive set of leavers' destinations, I'd be inclined to relax and trust them to do their job. She will be making good progress unless they tell you otherwise, and she's likely to get into one of those sought after schools if she maintains her current trajectory. If she's truly very bright she doesn't really need private school at all, but if she's happy and you can afford it you're probably fairly safe to leave her there. However, all this said, you are coming across as expecting an awful lot from your poor 5 year-old, so as a private school teacher myself I would counsel dialling down the pushing a little. Moving children up a year is almost never a good idea. Some of the brightest children can struggle socially and be emotionally less mature than a middle-ability, sensible girl (yes, usually a girl!) with a high level of emotional intelligence - it would be really unfair to take a bright but unworldly child and throw them in above their natural age, especially if an identified relative weakness is in social relationships.

You can't blame people for misunderstanding, i thought your op said she had emerging traits of learning disabilities.

Honestly, you sound like you're living through your daughter and you're a prime candidate to be back here on 20 years making posts about how your DD doesn't want to talk to you. On the upside you feature heavily in her therapy sessions.

Just incase you think I'm jealous I have a PhD. I'm also the brother of a woman who was told from day dot that she was academically special and pushed constantly, she scarped enough GCSEs to do a levels failed and had to resit to get into uni to study nursing and continues to struggle with her mental health. If she had been supported not pressured she could well have been a doctor.

As a teacher, this annoys me. Why should you be told in advance of the report that your daughter is 'emerging'? This is the purpose of the report!

For the record, I teach in a private school too, and my children attend a private prep school. You sound like a nightmare parent.

I think I understand your anxiety that your daughter be given school work appropriate for her abilities. It sounds like she is doing very well in her reading and maths and the school does seem to be recognising that. But socially it is important, I think, unless there are very extraordinary circumstances to keep children in their appropriate year groups. I think the evidence of overall achievement (not to mention happiness) for children who are accelerated beyond their age group is pretty poor.

I would say that as long as she is regularly coming home with a new reading book and you can see that she is progressing in her maths, trust the school for now.

If you think about it, most of what kids learn academically in their first few years of school would seem like nothing to a 12 year old Most of what happens in the first years of school is social - the pleasure of new ideas (like words and numbers!), the puzzle of how to respond to an authority other than your parents, how to get along with other kids, and make new friends, and even little stuff like how to cope with food that might not be the same as at home.

Reception is definitely a time of “emerging” (hadn’t heard of this as a school assessment!). I am sure she’ll emerge!

Of course, since this is a private school, you are a customer. You have every right to consider what you are paying for. For me the most important thing I would want to pay for is a small class size and a mindset that promoted individual strengths and weaknesses rather than teaching to the average year group expectation. I would want to know that that was my child’s school’s overall focus, and if it isn’t then I would reconsider.

I have also noted that private schools tend to be stricter about manners and respect for elders. It depends on whether or not that matters to you.

Don’t destroy your child with your attitude. Are other kids happy? Are the other parents happy? Is your child happy?

Would you be expecting more from her school if it were a state school?

It looks like the OP has left the thread.

That said, in my experience private schools teach the most able group years ahead but within their age group class. And this doesn't start in Reception.

One reason for this is that all the extra curricular that you are paying for won't be accessible out of age group. You can't play inter school matches out of age group. Climbing club, watersports club, school trips, would all be difficult if you are a year or two younger. It would be demoralising. And these are the areas where private schools really do help develop the whole child, confident, curious etc You can't develop leadership skills effectively if you're a couple of years younger than everyone else and maybe struggled in this area anyway.

There's no need for the brightest ones to join the years above; they are simply extended within formal sets or informal groups or enrichment clubs.

Finally, the reality is that there will be a handful of children, if this is an academic hothouse type school, who are exceeding expectations in all areas from nursery. My advice, if it is that type of school, is to get used to your child, who would be considered very able anywhere else, being considered average. Because in that environment they are. And dont make it a big deal. They will all come out with great grades at the end. But find other things outside from school where they can shine and find something they love that boosts their self esteem. If you put all your eggs into your child being exceptional at everything within a hothouse type school you're on a hiding to nothing, except mental health difficulties down the line.