AIBU to expect more from my DDs private prep school ?

[wishingonme]

DD5 is just finishing reception and I’m not happy about her school.

The teachers don’t provide enough updates on the children and when they do, it’s very generic. There doesn’t seem to be any particular focus on the individual child’s strengths and weaknesses or key areas of interest / talent.

We aren’t told there are problems or anything, but then get reports and DD is in some ‘ emerging ‘ categories. We would like to be told if she’s behind in areas, so we can help at home- before the report comes out.

parents evening is so generic. The work they do at the school is not as advanced as some other schools we know ( some state and others private ). For example, some reception children are doing more advanced maths in state schools, whereas our school has focused on reading in reception and less on maths.

Our DD is extremely advanced in many areas, yet she’s being kept in reception - whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths. I don’t think our school would do that.

am I expecting too much ? I expect the children to be pushed and not behind other schools and I expect more individual attention- otherwise what am I paying for ?

Make friends with some year 5 and 6 parents. Understand their priorities. Then find out how they think school performs. Some prep schools don’t kick in until after the 7+ as they don’t want you to leave early. So they cram it all in nearer the end.

Reception is mainly about socialising. You could just start preparing for the 7+ and go elsewhere.

There is plenty of time. But make friends with other parents and find out why they are there.

No...no...no...!
I'm a teacher. For me. prviate schools exist to parents like this away from me.

LOL "being kept in reception".
Of course she should be with her peers, school is more than just being able to do sums.
She shouldn't be put up years, because you think she's amazing. The school clearly thinks she isn't advanced in all areas. And even if she was, it's no reason to put her in a class above her age.

good God, she’s only five years old

She will be emerging because at that age that’s what they are. And some of them peak at 10 but what I do know is if you start laying on the pressure now you will have an OCD perfectionist child with low self-esteem by about the age of 8.

She won't being kept down a year, the OP just can't understand why she hasn't been put up a year or two as she's"so clever".

She’s not being kept down a year. I just meant that she’s exceeding, she could be moved up sooner. But she’s definitely not kept down.

Very advanced reader and at maths .

She's 5. FFS let her be a child instead of having all your expectations pushed on her.

Is she actually advanced (whatever that even means for 5 year old) or emerging?
Have they explained why she is being kept in Reception?

And because she's paying.

It doesn't work like that.

Your child won't be moved up year groups, even if she's a genius. It's not in their best interests to be away from peers, there's a huge SEMH difference between a just turned 5 yo and a 6 or 7 year old.

How is she with her friends? Socialising, negotiation, sharing, emotional regulation etc.

She's not being "kept in reception"!! She's just in reception because she 5.!

How advanced? What makes you say that?

Can you give examples of what she can read?

Threads like this exist to make me feel relatively normal and relaxed.

You won’t know whether your child is advanced in comparison to other children in her class. There could be many who are advanced in some areas. Either you keep with your choice and stick with the school or look for somewhere more pushy as that seems to be your main concern. You do not mention whether or not she is happy and is making friends- which are both more important at this point - and I find that worrying. As others have said , she is only 5.

What areas is she emerging in?

There's plenty of time. I would prefer my child was somewhere nurturing than being pushed at 5.
What is the point in being two years 'ahead' in maths?

What areas do the school say she is emerging in? What areas do you say she is advanced in? Do they contradict each other? You need to have a meeting with the school. You may think she is advanced in reading because she can sound out words on the page, but a school may class her as emerging because she doesn’t understand what she is reading.

She’s not being kept down a year, she’s just remaining in her own peer group which is totally normal.

However, the fact that the reports and feedback from parent evenings is generic and doesn’t seem to recognise your child’s strengths and challenges would be a concern to me. My children all went through state education and reporting and feedback recognised them as individuals.

Sounds like you’re making the mistake of thinking that just because you’re paying, you’re going to get a better education, which isn’t actually true.

You’re the sort of parent who will end up making your child hate you and end up with mental health problems or an eating disorder as they are constantly trying to live up to your expectations and never feel good enough.
She is FIVE.
Many countries don’t start full time schooling until 7+ and those children are at the same level, if not higher than the UK, at 18.
At 5 you should be asking yourself if your child is happy at school, if she has made friends, if she has new interests. You should be looking at some hobbies outside school, swimming and maybe another sport. Possibly a musically instrument. Also play dates with friends.
Your “job” as a parent is to nurture your child to become an independent adult who can handle what life throws at her and make her own way in the world. Not just academically but socially and with confidence, kindness and self belief.
Reception is about learning to work alongside and get on with others. It’s not about being pushed at English and maths.
Children mature at different ages and levels, especially in the first few years at school.
My daughter’s friend struggled in reception. She was June born so the school suggested another year in reception. Her parents, also teachers, agreed straight away and didn’t push her at home (obviously they could have done easily). She achieved straight As at A level and is going to a top university to study medicine in September.
If you want to do anything to help then read to your child at home and get her interested in books. Help her with basic maths without her realising - eg get her to share out sweets by counting them and saying how many everyone has, get her to help with a recipe and ask how may teaspoons you need if you are doubling the recipe etc
Get her to help you write a to do list or shopping list “feed cat” “go to park” “milk” , nothing tricky
But above all stop worrying and let her be a child. If you still have the same concerns by the end of year 2 then look to change school but not now. Reception is meant to be play based. You won’t have an accurate idea of the academic standard yet.

It’s better for her social wellbeing for her to be educated with her peers, surely?

I think you need to reset your whole attitude TBH. Poor child is only 5 and you have very high expectations of her and the school, which are counter productive

With my DC, later in school, the mantra has always been "take it seriously and do your best". This has paid off in spades. Focus on effort not results

But for now, focus on "listen to the teachers, learn how to make friends and enjoy learning". And perhaps trust the school staff to do their job?

There are so many reasons why this doesn't happen. It certainly doesn't happen in state schools.

I had parents suggest their child should skip reception and go straight to year 1 because they were so ahead. They didn't see the whole class picture like I did.

If your child is emerging in some categories she needs to be in her proper year group and develop those areas. She's clearly not all round ahead of her peers.

Very few schools move children up. The current thinking is it is best to stretch them where they are and explore existing topics at greater depth.

I have a very bright child finishing year 1 at a state school. Before he started school he had read Enid Blyton and the Hobbit to himself (understood Blyton and a fair bit of the Hobbit!). He could add multiple 4 digit numbers, multiply, tell the time etc. They didn't really get how advanced he was in Reception as it was out of what they were looking for. However he was very much a 4yo in other ways. He learnt plenty in Reception about making friends, navigating social situations, getting himself dressed properly, different topics e.g. life cycle of a butterfly. We stretched his maths and reading at home (because he wanted to). He has been challenged a bit more in year 1. Not as much as he probably could be especially in maths, but I don't worry too much, as I know his maths will easily keep improving as he loves it so much. Feedback became more specific at parents' evening, as they were doing more academic work.

I understand your frustration that you are paying lots and not getting much from the school. It's also confusing for you that you feel she is doing well but is getting emerging. Sometimes it can be hard to mark as expected until the end of the year. There may be a difference in ethos between your expectations and their approach. As others have said, try speaking with parents of older kids. Schooling is a marathon, not a sprint. If she is enjoying learning that will go a long way.

They have informed you how she is doing, they say she is 'emerging'. Why do you think she is very advanced? Emerging isn't advanced, it's working towards the expectations.
How can you say she is very advanced and at the same time say you want to know if she is struggling?
How can you say they have said she is emerging then say you want them to tell you how she is doing?
Your contradicting yourself.