AIBU to expect more from my DDs private prep school ?

[wishingonme]

DD5 is just finishing reception and I’m not happy about her school.

The teachers don’t provide enough updates on the children and when they do, it’s very generic. There doesn’t seem to be any particular focus on the individual child’s strengths and weaknesses or key areas of interest / talent.

We aren’t told there are problems or anything, but then get reports and DD is in some ‘ emerging ‘ categories. We would like to be told if she’s behind in areas, so we can help at home- before the report comes out.

parents evening is so generic. The work they do at the school is not as advanced as some other schools we know ( some state and others private ). For example, some reception children are doing more advanced maths in state schools, whereas our school has focused on reading in reception and less on maths.

Our DD is extremely advanced in many areas, yet she’s being kept in reception - whereas we know a boy at a state school who’s advanced in maths and two years above himself for maths. I don’t think our school would do that.

am I expecting too much ? I expect the children to be pushed and not behind other schools and I expect more individual attention- otherwise what am I paying for ?

I think you need to take a breath and remember this is about a FIVE YEAR OLD not an older child. At this stage the reports are deliberately vague. They will get more detailed as you go on - if there are still things she is struggling with at end of Y1 then yes, take a look. This is hothouse mania - sorry to speak frankly. Both my kids did private btw by way of context.

In state schools they won’t be moved up a year. Unless things have recently changed, they are quite strict on that.
in any case i suggest you speak to the head about your concerns and unless you are happy with the explanation, move her

Your overbearing attitude sounds like you’re best suited to the private school system where your concerns will be taken seriously and any request for a meeting will be taken, and you’ll probably be given tea and refreshments to nibble on while you moan. Does it matter what your daughter needs? Given the focus and tone of your post, it sounds like it probably doesn’t to you.

Why would you want her moved up sooner instead of with her peers? She’s 5, she doesn’t need to be pushed at this age. I also wonder why you think she should be ahead of other schools because you’re paying? It depends on ability, plenty of children do very well at state school. My dd is in reception at our local primary and she’s doing brilliantly, she learns phonics and maths in small groups at her ability level, the teachers are brilliant and know each child and their strengths and parents evenings are detailed and informative. She’s progressed loads this year. Move schools if you’re not happy.

Private schools vary massively.

some are very pushy. Others are not.

they are usually very very clear which type they are at the open mornings.

if you wanted a pushy school you should have chosen one. If after a year you regret your decision of school you can try to move her.

I’m a teacher.

It’s perfectly normal that a child will be emerging in some areas. Some skills take longer to embed than others and particularly in younger children, physical development and emotional maturity have a huge role to play in their intellectual development. Neither of those things can be fast tracked or improved with extra work at home. You just have to let them grow and develop at the pace that their body and mind are growing and developing.

You also have to appreciate that the aim of school is not to get every child to ‘exceed’. That’s impossible. Most children will never reach that standard and so if teachers had to contact home every time a child didn’t get ‘exceeding’ then they’d never do anything other than email parents. I’m secondary rather than primary and that would be the equivalent of me emailing home every time a child didn’t get 8 or 9 (out of 9) in a GCSE assessment - and that would be most children in my class - for many children, a 5 or 6 is the aim and a huge achievement. Some children just can’t achieve beyond that no matter how hard they try - their brains are not wired that way - and no amount of excellent teaching would make a difference.

You need to manage your expectations of what your child ‘should’ be achieving and ‘should’ be able to do at this point in their life, and relax. School at the pre-prep age is as much about learning to socialise as it is to learn academic subjects, and if your daughter has friends, enjoys school and is cared for by her teachers, then there’s nothing to worry about.

Also, as a private school teacher myself, I do find that a lot of parents have unrealistic expectations about the ‘extras’ you get from teachers through paying fees. Your fees don’t pay for me to have more time in my day and they don’t entitle your child to special treatment. They also don’t mean you have access to me 24/7. My school has actually banned parents from emailing us after 6pm now, as the demands were getting ridiculous. I’m sure the reports you’re receiving are perfectly adequate - if you’re expecting an essay about how wonderful your child is, then you’re not going to get that anywhere. Many schools are insisting on more generic and data focused reports now - ours insists we take out anything emotive or too personal in case it causes offence.

Please relax and let your child enjoy being 5. Give her time to settle and grow. How your child is at home and how they are at school can often be very different and as long as you are doing lots of reading and creative play at home, she will be fine.

Private school teacher here, but much older kids. The report is probably bland and generic because the teacher(s) don't want to gave to deal with parental complaints. It happens all the time if a teacher is unwise enough to state that little Johnny is less than perfect 😐

😂😂

I’m sorry you sound a nightmare pushy mum - you need to calm down or your child will really be in a mess by teenage years. If she’s really that brilliant you could push the school for more challenging stuff eg my boys’ prep had a maths club all years could go to if invited (ie if they were ahead in maths and needed stretching) but in terms of English stretch that cones with reading, of your doing museum trips etc at weekends. But frankly, I think your attitude will eventually be counter-productive.

Ffs, you sound like a lunatic

Your daughter is young, but it sounds like she may struggle academically. The end of reception is absolutely the appropriate time to start making you aware of this. If the school had raised this any earlier, they would be accused of not even giving her a chance to settle in etc etc

Fwiw private school is still just school - it's not intensive individual tuition. If your daughter is not keeping up with the pace of the class then you may need to consider paying (even more) for individual support. It's an unusual and extreme step to keep a child back a year.

Cross post with @EnidSpyton. She is spot on in what she wrote.

Whilst I agree she sounds very pushy please don’t tar all private school parents with the same brush!

She’s not being kept down a year. I just meant that she’s exceeding, she could be moved up sooner.

But the school says she's emerging!!-which is it?

Omg, your child is 5. The most important thing she can be doing right now, developmentally, is playing. I say this as a parent wuth two children at different prep schools. Get worried if things aren’t happening by year 2. They are so little in reception and frankly even in year 1. There is so much time for formal
learning! I find good prep schools are very conservative with academic reports in reception and year 1. I think they have the long game in mind and know that pushing from
day 1 can really have a negative impact on a child’s lifelong love of learning

She was emerging in the first term on making relationships but she’s expected now. It was just for one term, calm down. She’s either expected or exceeding for everything else now.

Your poor DD, she's 5yrs old and you want her pushed harder at school? Your not happy that the work isn't advanced enough or that she's not flying through the school years.

Are you aiming for her to do her GCSEs at 11yrs? It sounds like she has a lifetime ahead of you telling her how much you have paid and what a disappointment she is 🙁

That's great then. So why do you want her pushed up a year?

Honestly, as both a teacher and a mum, please relax.

Your daughter is 5 years old! You say she is advanced in reading and Maths - brilliant, there are some areas where she is emerging- also fine, she will get there. Children develop at different paces, the main thing at this stage is that she is happy.

School probably haven't said anything about emerging areas as they know she will get there, but, if going forward you would like to know sooner, ask them.

FWIW, my son is coming to the end of Y6 at our village (state) primary. He has absolutely thrived there - happy, made friends and had a great experience.
He too has always been advanced in reading and Maths. In reception and KS1, he struggled with writing- had the ideas but struggled to get it on paper.

He is now at greater depth in writing! It just took time. Flew through his SATS and passed the entrance exam for a local grammar school.

The point is, she will get there, but putting so much pressure on at such a young age will do nothing except destroy her confidence and love of learning.

Why would you expect school to move her up into a higher class ? She’s where she should be. Plus very entitled to assume they’d just make a space for her in the class above

The irony of the OP telling someone to calm down.

Moving children up through year groups does them no favours. You sound like yiu would benefit from a better understanding of the early years curriculum. There is usually a big jump between reception and year one, so maybe you’ll be happier with the work in a few weeks. If your child is emerging in some areas, it obviously wouldn’t be appropriate for her to be moved up a year group even if that was a valid option.

You said she’s only emerging in some areas.

Poor kid. She's five FGS.

Does her happiness matter ? Or do you just want to show off ?