Friend didn’t wish me a happy birthday

[99dietpepsi]

AIBU to be a bit upset / disappointed by this?

It’s my 30 birthday today and my close friend hasn’t messaged me. We spoke briefly yesterday morning which is when she mentioned she had a gift for me and that she would give it to me the next time we see each other (she doesn’t drive so can’t just pop over to mine) but that was it. No message today. I’m obviously very grateful that she’s bought me something as I don’t expect anything, but I just find it a bit odd that she’s not messaged me at all today.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. A couple of years ago she did the same thing and messaged me a few days later asking if I was okay. No happy belated birthday, just normal chit chat / no mention of my birthday.

I understand that people have their own lives. The world certainly doesn’t revolve around me, but she’s always on her phone. I mean constantly. I’d be very surprised if she hasn’t been on her phone at all today and I just find it strange she hasn’t taken 2 seconds out of her day to wish me a happy birthday, on my actual birthday.

I’ve got my hard hat on for this! Would you find this strange?

But OP does care. Her and her friend speak daily yet the friend goes quiet on OP’s birthday. Smacks of passive aggression.

Wouldn’t bother me - men don’t care about these things and nobody seems to mind? I’d gladly have everyone ignore my birthdays except my children as I hate fuss, but that’s just me.

You're 30, not 3. Grow up.

Wouldn't even register for me. I think your mate deserves a break. Especially seeing as she has bought you a gift! You are clearly in her thoughts.

I didn’t remember my anniversary and husband talked about it 2 days before. I think you need get over yourself as people have other things on their minds

I understand OP. I don’t have many friends and it means a lot to me that occasionally I am genuinely thought about. So my birthday is one of the only days this might happen. Means far more to me than a gift and certainly more than a gift a while after the event. It’s definitely the thought that counts.

You speak every day except your birthday, but you didn’t call her to speak to her on your birthday because..?

I get that you’re upset and I would be too but ,rationally, I think I’m over sensitive. For example, there have been many times when someone hasn’t replied to a message that quickly and I’ve started to wonder if they don’t like me/don’t have time for me now for me, then to get a lovely message from them eg a week or so later.
I suspect that if she’s already spoken to you the day before, has acknowledged your birthday and has said that she has a gift for you that she feels she has already wished you a happy birthday, even if it wasn’t on the actual day.

I get that adult birthdays are a thing for some people and that's fair enough. I do try to remember which of my close friends are fussed about it and message them on the day, and I always do when fb reminds me 🤣 Personally I couldn't give a flying fuck, but that's just me. I also don't care about the big Xmas/Valentine's/Mother's day carry on. Although I guess that's a bit different. Anyway, sorry OP, hope you had a great birthday 😊

If you are hurt for something like that so much as to write in here… pls remember you live a very happy and privileged life!

What? Not sending a text is passive aggressive now?!

@99dietpepsi so every other person you know contacted you?

Im with you OP. This would hurt a little, as you say she didnt forget as she mentioned it the day before. Id be hurt that someone who's supposed to be your friend couldnt take 30 seconds out of their day to message. No point posting about it on MN though, for some reason most people on here seem to have a competition about how unbothered they would be about being forgotten. Its like the worse your memory, the more excuse you have to be a shitty person. Anyone heard of a calendar or reminder on your phone. I couldn't treat people like that.

It's always hurtful to think you've been overlooked but honestly I don't think it was intentional. Your friend did speak to you the day before and let you know she had a gift so in her head she probably thinks she's done it.

Just do the same on her birthday.

She forgot. It really isn't a big deal.

Does she usually send you a message on your birthday every year? I would also be a little hurt as I’ve got everyone’s birthdays on my calendar and make sure to send a message on the day. However I understand that people might forget or not be very organised. Either she somehow forgot on the actual day then didn’t want to send a belated one or she doesn’t feel it’s important to send you a message on your actual birthday. Either because no one normally does for her or she thinks it’s less important with age. You know her the best and usually our gut is right. You could ask her, pretend not to be bothered or do the same for her birthday. If you do the same for her birthday and she gets upset about it then you know it was done on purpose. If she isn’t bothered then you know it’s not important to her and she sees the conversation the day before and telling you she got you a gift as the main message I guess wishing you a happy birthday.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

I don’t enjoy a fuss on my birthday (prefer it go by quietly) but I can see how it’s upsetting for OP when her and friend speak every day but her friend goes silent on OP’s birthday,

It reminds me of my sister who used to deliberately pick a fight a few days before my birthday so that she wouldn’t have to say HB or get me a card/present.

This would upset me too and I’ve had this happen many times. I’m very good at remembering everyone’s birthdays but… I accept that some of those people just aren’t and they don’t remember. Doesn’t mean they don’t care about me though…! The way I try to look at it now being a bit older and possibly wiser is to try to focus more on the people who DID remember and not focus on the people who didn’t. Try to be positive rather than negative. I find that helps me these days.

I would message a good friend on their birthday but it may be she thinks she's acknowledged your birthday and will give you a birthday card so doesn't need to message as well

I think you’re overthinking it. She probably just thinks she’s done it because she's messaged you about the present, and hasn’t realised she didn’t say anything on the actual day.

If she cares enough about you to buy you a present, I don’t see what you think this lack of a message means.

She;s mentioned she has a present for you!!!! Goodness me, what else do you want? You need to forget about this, not dwell on it.

She's clearly assumed that wishing you Happy Birthday is redundant - she'll do so when she sees you to give you a present.

You are being way oversensitive here. What else is going on? A normal person really wouldn't be bothered so much by this, especially to go so far as to write a long post on a website about it ... a normal person would say "oh, that's odd, but she must have a lot going on" laugh & shrug it off.

Does she know how much this matters to you? Have you told her that you get upset if people don’t wish you happy birthday on the actual day, regardless of how much effort they may have out into choosing and buying you a present? If not, you’re being extraordinarily unreasonable for expecting people to read your mind.

But why conclude it’s “passive aggression”? It’s quite a leap. Not everyone is as odd as your sister.

Or she had a busy day, kept forgetting to message, then thought that it was too late.
She might have had a medical appointment, or had a bit of a crisis, or someone else she knew did and she didn't want to drag your birthday down, so didn't phone.
Did you go out for lunch etc with someone else? Could she had thought you'd be busy and didn't want to take up your time? It would be rude to phone if you were out to dinner etc.

This would bother me, OP. Hope you had a lovely day anyway.