Woman on holiday? AIBU?

[Gogoea]

We’re currently on holiday in Spain and got to know another family. Their daughter is the same age as my son - 9. We also have a 6 year old daughter.

Their other family’s 9 year old - I’ll call her Sarah - is visibly overweight/fat with breast growth. She’s an only child.

When were on a trip to another town yesterday the other mum got tipsy and said at lunch - all 7 of us were on the same table - and the mum pointed to an elephant in a book my daughter was reading and said “Sarah’s as fat as that”. -

My daughter giggled and repeated it and I could see Sarah’s face and she was very upset.

A bit later on Sarah still looked upset and wasn’t really interacting at all and her mum sharpiy snd curtly (about my daughter - let’s call her Maisie) said to Sarah;

”look she’s TRYING to make friends with you”.

As we all walked back to the bus stop - my 9 year old son said to Sarah -

“Don’t worry, Maisie (his sister) has called me fat as well”

in other words, my 9 year old DS failed to acknowledge Sarah’s mother’s fault in all this?

AIBU to now have realised that Sarah’s mum is a rancid toxic bitch?

How can someone be like that to their own 9 year old child?

Well to be fair your daughter was very rude too. And clearly has a history of it. So while the woman sounds awful, you need to look at your own family too.

Fair enough - shes 6 but I’m not proud of the way she behaved but I think she just wanted to agree with the mum to ‘please’ the adult

Yeah, I agree with PP. Your daughter laughed and you did nothing to correct it, and she's also said things like that about your son?

Yes mum is horrible, but you don't sound a huge amount better.

Fair enough I should’ve said something

Fair play for acknowledging that.

And your son sounds lovely. He was trying to make her feel better.

The woman is clearly awful and I feel very sorry for her daughter.

Thank you ❤️

in other words, my 9 year old DS failed to acknowledge Sarah’s mother’s fault in all this

So you didn't call her out on her behaviour but you expect a 9 year old to? Sounds like he was just being empathetic and trying to cheer Sarah up.

No I don’t think he properly heard what the woman initially said, to be fair to him

Why are we blaming a 6yo for a grown woman's unkindness? The 6yo probably thought it was naughty and a bit funny, similar to how I can make my 6yo howl with laughter just by saying poo or fart. Your DD calling her brother fat (when he probably isn't?) is very different to a woman insulting her DD like that.

The woman sounds horrible to treat her DD like that. Your DS sounds kind trying to make out it didn't mean anything. Poor girl. At 9, the woman is likely partly responsible for her being fat anyway.

Yes exactly.

i would say tbh my DS is just above average for a 9 year old boy - DD normal weight - but my DS is nowhere near as visibly fat as Sarah

She’s obviously awful. But why do you expect your 9 year old to “acknowledge her fault”? And why is your daughter calling him fat?

why wasn't your immediate reaction to say to your daughter "that is very rude, and you must apologise right now"?

The woman is toxic, poor Sarah.

When were on a trip to another town yesterday the other mum got tipsy and said at lunch - all 7 of us were on the same table - and the mum pointed to an elephant in a book my daughter was reading and said “Sarah’s as fat as that”. -

My daughter giggled and repeated it and I could see Sarah’s face and she was very upset

At which point you should have said that's not very nice, made your dd apologise to Sarah and made your excuses to leave then have nothing more to do with that vile woman. How sweet that your ds tried (the only one out of all of you) to make Sarah feel better when she was visibly upset by her mothers cruel words.

I don't really understand what your 9 year old's comment adds to your question?
Why do you think that's relevant?

It comes across as though you're blaming him for not blaming the mum?

If your AIBU is "to now have realised that Sarah’s mum is a rancid toxic bitch?" then DS's bit is neither here nor there (other than demonstrating he seems to have more emotional sensitivity and kindness than anyone else at the table, including all the adults).

No im definitely not blaming him I was just providing further context

That poor little girl. And shame on you for not correcting your daughter. That was a teaching moment about kindness if ever there was one.

This is vile all around. That poor 9 year old. A 9yr old girl may be beginning puberty at that age and weight gain and development may come ahead of a growth spurt and periods in the next year.

I'm afraid you sound somewhat judgemental of the child's weight too as you dont appear to have challenged the mothers comments in the moment or explained to your daughter her comment was unkind. Interesting that only your son appears to have tried to console the poor girl and its not his job to recognise the mothers part in this. If you were the only other adult present that's on you.

what further context though? It had already all been said?

No I want the only other adult present - there were 4 of us in total both of our DHs

Yes ok maybe that part was redundant

Why didn’t you correct your child when they laughed?

Why didn’t you say that was mean and we don’t say mean things?

You’re not upset about what Sarah heard at all, you’re just upset about your own dc. That’s disgusting.

Believe me im upset about Sarah

Well, it sounded very much like you were more put out that your son was putting 'the blame' on his sister as against the mother. When most decent people would have been horrified immediately at what was said, corrected the daughter etc.

And you seem pretty blase about her behaviour at dinner, and obviously previous occasions when he has been rude to your son.

I don't think your 6 year old did anything wrong. She's 6 and if she hears an adult saying something 'naughty' she will think she has permission to repeat it.

And as much as we all say we will call people out, sometimes when it's something really shocking, it can take a while for your brain to catch up and think of an appropriate way to do this, particularly if there is a third party involved and you don't want to embarrass them further (eg if you'd said something and the mother took it as an invitation to get into a debate about whether the girl is actually fat or not, that would have been mortifying for the poor girl). Ideally you could have said something like 'well I think she looks lovely and she is a nice kind girl and that's more important than looks' type thing...but again if say the mother had just snorted, it's not going to help.

The mum is clearly an awful awful person. I'm not sure I'd avoid her fully though for the sake of the girl who needs some kindness

You need your daughter to stop calling people fat.

As a teacher the mantra 'we don't comment on something people can't change in 30 seconds' (i.e 'You have fluff in your hair' or 'your cardigan is on inside out' is okay. 'You're fat' or 'you have a big nose' is not)
It's been quite effective.