Woman on holiday? AIBU?

[Gogoea]

We’re currently on holiday in Spain and got to know another family. Their daughter is the same age as my son - 9. We also have a 6 year old daughter.

Their other family’s 9 year old - I’ll call her Sarah - is visibly overweight/fat with breast growth. She’s an only child.

When were on a trip to another town yesterday the other mum got tipsy and said at lunch - all 7 of us were on the same table - and the mum pointed to an elephant in a book my daughter was reading and said “Sarah’s as fat as that”. -

My daughter giggled and repeated it and I could see Sarah’s face and she was very upset.

A bit later on Sarah still looked upset and wasn’t really interacting at all and her mum sharpiy snd curtly (about my daughter - let’s call her Maisie) said to Sarah;

”look she’s TRYING to make friends with you”.

As we all walked back to the bus stop - my 9 year old son said to Sarah -

“Don’t worry, Maisie (his sister) has called me fat as well”

in other words, my 9 year old DS failed to acknowledge Sarah’s mother’s fault in all this?

AIBU to now have realised that Sarah’s mum is a rancid toxic bitch?

How can someone be like that to their own 9 year old child?

So, she's horrible to her 9yo but you've also come on here and been horrible about your 9yo...

I abhor bullies and those who stand by watching it happen. The other mum is a bully and you and the other adults just watched it happen.
To a defenceless 9 year old girl who was visibly upset. Yet you didn’t want to ‘cause a scene’. This is just shocking and shame on all of you.
I would have focused on Sarah and said, ‘well I think you are beautiful. You have gorgeous thick hair/lovely blue eyes/gorgeous smile and you should be very proud of who you are’. And then glared at the mother.
One day Sarah might remember that pivotal moment an adult stood up for her. I guess it won’t be today though.

Totally agree, you're all awful in this story. No scene to be caused, correct your child, tell the mam she's horrible, pay your share and leave. Also speak with your daughter about how she speaks to others, 6 years of age should have some semblance of how not to hurt feelings and this is an easy one to point out.

And to add and has probably been said, no your child didn't acknowledge what the mam said, he sided with the girl cos he has had the same thing said to him and like her, no one did anything about it. Look at your own house before you try to shame others

As someone who got bullied for being a fat child, including by adults - you should have corrected your daughter immediately. You said Sarah was upset - did you say anything nice to her, or console her in any way?
What was the reaction of the grown men in this story? I assume the mother doesn’t connect the fact that her parents are responsible for her diet and activity levels with the daughter’s weight… She sounds like a nasty bitch and I wouldn’t be hanging out with them again.

Your son sounds like a sweetheart though. Shame about the rest of you.

Wow you have children and bring them up badly mannered

how do you know what this young child is going through she’s comfort eating and that can be for any reason

I grew up watching my dad beat my mum up a lot badly I developed anoxreia anxiety and depression then chronic IBS as my childhood

sad to read how you can’t see past weight and why the child is bigger than you feel expectable

Why did you need to say she is an only child?

Horrible mother.

Thanks to everyone for contributing to this thread.

Another odd thing I clocked with the other mother.

We were in the hotel lounge area and the mother and my son strolled over to the souvenir shop in the hotel. This isn’t unusual in the evenings - there are 7 of us sitting together and some of the party splinter off and do their own things - there’s a games room here etc.

Well anyway when they returned the mother and pointedly said to my son, let’s call him Simon -

”remember what we talked about, Simon!”

I found it odd but it was right in front of her daughter and I felt the time that it was meant to deliberately make Sarah, her daughter, feel uncomfortable and excluded. I really felt for Sarah then. I mean I’m an adult I’ve seen this kind of behaviour before - but Sarah’s a child with no ‘power’ in the situation

Awkward situation. If you tell your dd off, you are confronting the mother. If you weren't prepared to do that (I wouldn't have been either, with a family I hardly know and in front of my children), all I can say is your son is a kind boy and you should start avoiding this family from now on. You can't rescue the daughter by hanging around and I wouldn't want to know someone who treated their child like this.

The only reaction from the men was from my husband who said about Sarah and our daughter

“are you two firm friends now?” - the thing he seemed keen about was Sarah and our daughter being friends after Sarah’s upset.

The mother sharply scolded Sarah for being upset with Maisie, our daughter. But I don’t think Sarah was trying to punish our daughter in any way. I think she was quiet cos what the mother had said.

Thank you.

This is a very sensible and realistic post

Your son was trying to make her feel better which was lovely. Horrible of her mother to be like that and maybe have a talk to your daughter about feelings etc but I get she just laughed along with something an adult said (but needs to know it really wasn’t ok)

I said she was an only child because I wanted to give an accurate context of how many kids were there

You have an opportunity to make a real difference here. Keep spending time together and use it to bolster Sarah’s self esteem. Compliment her, be extra kind, help her see that she’s a good person - as all children are - to help balance her awful mother.

At the end of the holiday you should speak to the mother and make it clear how damaging her behaviour is.

Thank you.

This is excellent constructive advice

I'm sad all adults sat complicit and didn’t say a word to defend Sarah. That poor child walked away feeling awful but could instead have walked away feeling thought about and cared for.

Agree, great advice

Your son is a kind boy. I would have corrected my daughter VERY sharply and told Sarah she is absolutely perfect as she is. Her mother sounds absolutely horrible and your daughter risks turning into an unkind girl/pick me type. Teach your daughter to be a girls' girl and she will be much happier for it.

Well I am glad that the vast majority of the people on the thread appear to have the same view as me.

Yeah but it's not easy to tell your child off for something they've just copied off another adult, that might sound sanctimonious/passive aggressive so I understand why you didn't tell her off in the moment

The six year old was parroting the other mum, so wasn’t to blame, but does need reminding that it’s very hurtful. your 9 year old tried his best to make Sarah feel better - well done to him.

I think you’re probably feeling guilty for not saying anything in the moment. I think I probably would have been too shocked to think of what to say quickly enough, then the moment would have passed. I’m not a quick thinker generally. Then I’d be kicking myself for not standing up for that 9 year old girl and feeling awful about it. I think you either need to avoid them or address it. You weren’t the only adult who said nothing - your dh had the opportunity to speak but also didn’t.

Thank you everyone again for your responses.

The mother had also on more than one occasion called Sarah ‘spoilt’ in front of us all including Sarah.

This is what I think the mother spoke to my 9 year old about in the hotel shop when she had a moment to speak with him on their own - she probably said something like “ you must excuse Sarah - she’s very spoilt.”
Then when she came back to the lounge said pointedly to my son in front of her daughter:

”Remember what we talked about Simon?”

• it’s as if she was using my son to bitch about her daughter and in the lunch table incident using my daughter to bitch about her daughter. So my kids are being used, basically, to emotionally abuse Sarah.

Then you ABSOLUTELY need to stand up for "Sarah". Start by asking her bitch of a mother who's "spoiling" her DD? Honestly, some people just shouldn't be allowed to have children and this bitch and her DH are two of them. 🙄

Thank you - you’re right

Exactly she’s not at all spoilt - quite the opposite.

As Sarah’s an only child, far from being spoilt she’s left to deal with a very tough situation on her own.