Woman on holiday? AIBU?

[Gogoea]

We’re currently on holiday in Spain and got to know another family. Their daughter is the same age as my son - 9. We also have a 6 year old daughter.

Their other family’s 9 year old - I’ll call her Sarah - is visibly overweight/fat with breast growth. She’s an only child.

When were on a trip to another town yesterday the other mum got tipsy and said at lunch - all 7 of us were on the same table - and the mum pointed to an elephant in a book my daughter was reading and said “Sarah’s as fat as that”. -

My daughter giggled and repeated it and I could see Sarah’s face and she was very upset.

A bit later on Sarah still looked upset and wasn’t really interacting at all and her mum sharpiy snd curtly (about my daughter - let’s call her Maisie) said to Sarah;

”look she’s TRYING to make friends with you”.

As we all walked back to the bus stop - my 9 year old son said to Sarah -

“Don’t worry, Maisie (his sister) has called me fat as well”

in other words, my 9 year old DS failed to acknowledge Sarah’s mother’s fault in all this?

AIBU to now have realised that Sarah’s mum is a rancid toxic bitch?

How can someone be like that to their own 9 year old child?

Thank you I totally agree

So basically three other adults chose not to challenge the mother or defend the child in the moment and instead left her feeling withdrawn and upset.

The mother is indeed toxic as you describe. The rest of you need to take a good hard look at yourselves as well. It wouldn't need to be aggressive, a simple 'Gosh that's harsh, did you really mean to say that out loud?" Would have changed the tone and shown your daughter that it's not okay.

Exactly.

And what has a 9yo having breast issue got to do with anything?

It sounds like OP agrees with the fat shaming.

Well, I don’t believe it. There’s no sympathy for poor Sarah in your posts.

Sounds like you were also trying to ‘please’ the adult by not calling out your DD awful behaviour.

Can anyone explain to me why Sarah’s mom is horrible? 🤔
Maybe I fail to understand it as English is not my first language.

As I read this story, nobody was nasty here. The 6 year-old was just being a typical 6 year-old, they usually point out the obvious without filter. If anyone, I would pull her mum (OP) up on it, as she failed to explain to her on the spot that it’s rude to call someone fat when they can hear you.

Op started a thread about it! No one is covered in glory here apart from the son who tried to be kind. But let's not blame a little girl for continuing a toxic conversation that an adult started.

OP, the big question remains: why on earth did you not correct your daughter?

Sarah's mum compared Sarah to an elephant. That can lead to eating disorders.

And none of you said anything, either to support Sarah or to tell your dd she was being unkind.

So Sarah probably thinks all the adults agree with her mother.

and

Your dd thinks it’s ok to call people names and laugh at mean jokes because no adult has told her not to,

Great parenting, shame you have started a thread criticising someone else’s parenting!

Because she said her daughter was fat like an elephant.

The 6 y old just repeated and here OP had her chance to protect Sarah and tell her 6 year old "Remember we don't comment on other people's bodies, it's very rude."

What a shame it took a child to try to make poor Sarah feel better. Take a leaf out of his book.

Oh my bad! Thanx. I read it in a hurry and thought it was OP who pointed to the elephant and her 6 year-old called Maisie fat….oops!

But you still persist in calling her fat several times on here rather than overweight.

Ok I was debating whether to do that I admit - I just wanted to provide context - she’s noticeably overweight

As the parent you should have stepped in and said we don’t say things like this.

What’s her being an only child got to do with it?

No idea what your remark about your DS is supposed to mean - He acted decently and showed empathy, what a kind lad.
Your DD was obviously just copying the adult, but if she has also called your DS fat then you need to have words, she is old enough to know that calling people names is hurtful.

But why on earth didn't you say something? as soon as your the elephant remark was made you could have said 'that's a really nasty thing to say, why did you say it ?', if people aren't called out when they are mean,they will carry on doing it.

Poor little Sarah probably has a lifetime of abuse to look forward to from her mother. Not that you can do anything about that obviously, and you are right in your assessment that the woman is a bitch.

Context for number of kids who were there

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time op. Yanbu that the other mum is a toxic bitch. It's hard to speak up in the moment. I suppose you and your dh might have been just shocked and also, i think most of us are so used to try to be pleasant to others that we probably don't call out others as much as we should. I know it's something I struggle with. I usually wonder after the fact why I didn't say anything.

Yes you should have said something to your daughter but again maybe you were too shocked or the moment passed too quickly. I'd definitely talk to both your kids about it though and tell them that Sarah's mum was put of order and very hurtful and your dd shouldn't have laughed or repeated it.

Your son sounds very sweet.

Thank you this is so true

This. Your dd is 6. Still a little girl. All those shaming her and ignoring the mums behaviour should be ashamed. You hsve obviously brought your ds up right as he was kind and perceptive. Your dd will probably develop these skills too. Sarah's mum not so much and I feel desperately sorry for that poor 9 year old who will in all likelihood grow up with body issues because of her awful mother

Yeah the mother is an absolute cowbag. What an awful thing to say about her daughter, especially in front of other people. And they are mostly responsible for their daughters weight surely at that age!
I'm sure you would have told your daughter off had she been the one to say it. But the fact she is just repeating an adult, and you didn't correct the adult, it is murky waters. Not sure I believe the people who would have done something in the moment. Maybe I would have told my daughter off, maybe I wouldn't.
Flip side of that though; I'm not sure why you are moaning about what your son said. He seems to be the only one trying to make the girl feel better. And if you didn't correct the adult, why would he?!

I'd like to think I'd later not associate with the lady and tell her exactly why. But I imagine, in reality, I'd try and lie low and grin and bear it if unavoidable. But that's because I'm an absolutely non-confrontational chicken shit.

As a side note, this is the reason I always stay in my own place on holiday - fear of befriending someone who turns out to be an absolute arsehole!

Thank you - just to clarify though I’m not loaning about my son - he didn’t do anything wrong think he didn’t hear her

I can’t believe you didn’t say anything to the mother but I am absolutely gobsmacked you didn’t correct your daughter.

Your son sounds lovely and empathetic. You’re lucky to have him. His response is the only decent one in the whole post.

I really think you need to have a word with yourself.