Woman on holiday? AIBU?

[Gogoea]

We’re currently on holiday in Spain and got to know another family. Their daughter is the same age as my son - 9. We also have a 6 year old daughter.

Their other family’s 9 year old - I’ll call her Sarah - is visibly overweight/fat with breast growth. She’s an only child.

When were on a trip to another town yesterday the other mum got tipsy and said at lunch - all 7 of us were on the same table - and the mum pointed to an elephant in a book my daughter was reading and said “Sarah’s as fat as that”. -

My daughter giggled and repeated it and I could see Sarah’s face and she was very upset.

A bit later on Sarah still looked upset and wasn’t really interacting at all and her mum sharpiy snd curtly (about my daughter - let’s call her Maisie) said to Sarah;

”look she’s TRYING to make friends with you”.

As we all walked back to the bus stop - my 9 year old son said to Sarah -

“Don’t worry, Maisie (his sister) has called me fat as well”

in other words, my 9 year old DS failed to acknowledge Sarah’s mother’s fault in all this?

AIBU to now have realised that Sarah’s mum is a rancid toxic bitch?

How can someone be like that to their own 9 year old child?

Your son sounds lovely but also like someone who has experienced similar to ‘Sarah’ which is something you should think about.

At 6 your daughter should know not to make personal remarks and if she thinks that’s acceptable then you should consider carefully what you say in front of her because she is learning bad habits. And you absolutely should have corrected her as soon as she said something so mean even if it did embarrass the other parent. Your parenting should be consistent and stable rather than peer pressured.

I like to think I'd have picked the mum up in that. New friend or not. It's a disgusting way to talk to your own child, any child, I sincerely hope id have made that point.

The younger child is SIX ! Not her responsibility to call out the toxic mother and too young to really understand the consequences of what the mother is doing to her poor daughter.

in other words, my 9 year old DS failed to acknowledge Sarah’s mother’s fault in all this?

What does that sentence even mean? I can't work it out.

Baffles me how a parent can call their child fat, like they aren't the one feeding them

The mum sounds horrible, your 6 year old should know better and you should have told your 6 year old off for laughing/ repeating what the girls mum said.

Your son was trying to make her feel better and did nothing wrong.

I wouldn’t care what anyone else said but if my child repeated something as awful as that they would be having a stern telling off from me. Discipline closer to home rather than blaming others.

If I was there I would be subtly finding out which town the child lives in and what school they attend to report it. That's emotional abuse and will be really damaging.
I'm not sure if you would bother to do that though. It's really odd that you referred to the child as fat and with breast growth. As they say, birds of a feather flock together, that may be the reason you and the mum ended up together

This trend of " let's call them a, b, c or humphrey, Glenda or Gertrude" in every other post is really doing my head in 🤯🤯

Yes 100% the mum sounds horrific but it’s on you to let your daughter know it’s not ok to laugh and repeat something unacceptable, e.g. could hurt someone’s feelings (she’s 6 so she’s not nasty/wrong she’s just doing what kids do loves to laugh along). Your son sounds lovely but you were wrong in that you didn’t need to cause a scene by addressing the mother (I would have - but wouldn’t necessarily have handled the situation in the best way 😂) but you should have addressed your daughter, not so much in giving her a row but explaining that’s not ok, this is why, and you need to say sorry to Sarah

Is your son ok?! He sounds very kind and empathetic. Why would be ever pick up on, or address, what a random woman on holiday said?!

😆😄😂

I have to say though, it does help set the tone, in the same way as "Ok everyone, buckle up, this is going to be a long one!" and then cue nine long paragraphs about how they've all been friends since school but "A" now lives six hours away, so they all try to meet at the house of "D" as that's the one most in the middle as it's only 5-and-a-half hours from "A", but the problem is that ever since "C" had her second child, she only drinks plain hot water and not tea or coffee, which is really starting to get on the tits of "A" and "B", particularly "A" as she's starting to resent "C" for it as she's traveled all that way to see her, and I should also point out for context that at university "C" was a right slapper and was the first on the dance floor.

AIBU for thinking it wouldn't kill her to have a cup of tea just to be sociable?

I totally agree with your first paragraph

Absolutely nobody would bother to do this, they would just deal with their own child’s unkindness. Imagine rocking up at this school reporting some mum fat shamed her child, not even on school grounds

What an absolutely horrible woman.

Your children are behaving very age appropriate. Your son is very empathetic and your daughter is 6. Please talk to them about this one, talking about someone's appearance is hurtful and rude and two, you're proud of your son for empathizing with Sarah and trying to help her three, an adult should not be hurting a child like this.

Poor poor Sarah. Can you talk to her? Or at least let her know there are people she can talk to like school or Childline. She is being abused and what her mother is doing is wrong.

Then this woman. Look her in the eye and tell her she's abusive and that's unacceptable. If anything she won't hang out with you anymore

Maisie is the 6yo, I think. (Sometimes I have to get a piece of paper and draw circles to keep track of the characters in AIBU stories!)

Agree with you and actually I can't believe this post is real.
The OP keeps referring to the child as "Fat", writes short replies; no regrets about not saying anything herself or having a discussion with her husband afterwards...Just odd!
If ths is REAL, then sadly I bet that the poor child is being abused in other ways too. Don't think social services would be interested with nothing else to add, but I'd be really concerned for the child.

Your son is the only one who comes out of this with any credit so I've no idea why you said he failed to acknowledge the mother.

Why should he?

6 is plenty old enough not to be calling people fat or laughing at bullies, if this was an isolated incident then okay, but your daughter clearly is doing this to her brother too.

You need to nip this in the bud so she doesn't turn into a bully.
(It absolutely starts at that age. I have worked in schools for years and followed children's behaviour as they get older. It's often consistent.)

Secondly, that mum is disgusting. I feel terrible for Sarah and she will likely develop disordered eating because her mum will give her horrendous food issues. She is cruel rather than subtly introducing more exercise and alternative food options.

Although at 9, unless seriously overweight, it's normal to be a bit chubby. Especially as girls can get their periods at that age. They often go out before going up.

I don't like how you seemed to expect your son to do something else in this situation. He did exactly what he could, he showed empathy and tried to make a little girl feel better. It also showed you, there'd bullying going on under your own roof.

If your daughter gets a pass for just trying to please an adult then your son also shouldn't be expected to confront a strange adult when you were too cowardly/shy/reserved/people pleasing to do it yourself.

Sarah probably would have remembered you sticking up for her for the rest of her life.

Jesus Christ, she’s SIX. And perhaps more pertinently - not the child’s fucking mother!!

Well so did you. You didn't speak up.

The mother is responsible for letting her daughter get in that state - so she is guilty of that first and foremost, so she should not be making nasty comments.
Your daughter was not nice - being 6 does not excuse that.

Poor Sarah

There are a bunch of problems and concerns here:

1. You did not correct your child when she made fun of another child for being fat, and you did not intervene to correct the "drunk mum" for being a bully and encouraging your young child to be a bully;
2. You did not step in to immediately end the "new family friendship" with a toxic woman who had no issue getting drunk around her own kids and calling her 9 year old child fat??!!
3. You are the kind of person who thinks it's okay to mention a 9 year old's "breast" material?!?!?! What on earth does that have to do with anything in your story???!!! You could have simply said that the child was overweight without making any comments whatsoever about her chest area! Yikes!
4. It seems to only have occurred to you after a number of issues that the woman was "toxic"...any mother who makes fun of their own child for being fat is toxic. Any mother who says nasty things about their 9 year old child and makes them upset is toxic.
5. You could see that the 9 year old girl was upset and you did nothing to console her, or to tell your child to apologise for making fun of her.
6. You allowed your children to continue to interact with a woman who you don't know well at all (you only just met them), got drunk at lunch (!!!), started saying horrible things about their own child - and involved your child in that unkindness.
7. You seem to be upset with your son for consoling the poor 9 year old girl because he mentioned the truth (that his own sister has made fun of him for being "fat") but did not say anything about the girls own mother saying something (he's 9 years old!!! He's likely too scared to say anything about another adult!!!). What a very odd reaction!! What you should have done is a) be proud that your 9 year old son tried to console a visibly upset child (something that you should have done yourself!) and b) been concerned that it seems that one of your children is fat-shaming the other.

From the way you've worded your account of what happened it seems pretty clear that you don't like fat people either. If that's your personal opinion then so be it. But your children deserve better: they need to know that bullying isn't acceptable, either if they are the target of bullying, or if they are the one doing the bullying. It seems you need to do a better job of policing the kinds of adults you let your children spend time with. That woman was not an appropriate person to be spending time with. I feel terribly sorry for her little girl and I hope she has other people in her family (grandparents/aunties etc) who love her, don't bully her, and don't get drunk at lunchtime when they should be looking after her!

The mother is not your responsibility, however your daughter is - I would expect in this situation to correct her and to say something like we don't say things like that darling, that's not very kind.
hopefully by you correcting your daughter that would also help the woman realise how unfair she is being!! Some people can be so mean! The poor little girl and well done to your son for showing some empathy.

What an awful mother. She’s the one providing the food for the daughter!