AIBU to be absolutely devastated after seeing my husband's web history?

[Katebling]

I’m not even sure where to begin. I feel sick writing this.

Earlier this week, I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. My husband has been distant, more secretive with his phone and laptop, and just… off. I wish I hadn't looked, but I did. I checked his web history, and what I found has turned my world upside down.

There were multiple visits to escort sites, forums discussing prostitutes, and even searches like “how much does it cost to see a prostitute in London ”. Some of these weren’t from months ago — some were very recent. I confronted him, and after initially denying it, he admitted to seeing prostitutes. More than once.

We’ve been together for years. I never thought I’d be in this situation. I feel betrayed, ashamed, and angry beyond words. He says it “didn’t mean anything” and he “just wanted something different” — as if that somehow makes it better.

I haven’t told anyone in real life yet. I’m humiliated. We have kids, a house, a life — and now I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to scream and kick him out, and part of me is frozen in shock. He says he wants to work through it. I’m not sure I can or even want to.

So… AIBU to think this is an unforgivable betrayal? Has anyone else been through something like this? What did you do?

Please be kind. I’m really struggling.

Just to say that although NHS sexual health clinics are great and really not embarrassing - there’s no shame for you in going, plenty for him - the ones local to me don’t test separately for HPV any more, it’s too common. I got that tested via a private postal service but bloody hell it was expensive - it picked up bacterial vaginosis which the NHS lot didn’t. He might want to pay for that for you

As a healthcare professional I implore you to feel no shame when accessing sexual health services. We want to look after you and give you the care you need to be healthy.

We have seen and heard so many stories. It could be helpful go in person and seek sexual health care at this moment in time.

Am sorry you are going through this. Xx

As Gisèle Pelicot's lawyer said, "Shame must change sides."

This is all on him and not on you.

I have nothing constructive to say or add, other than you are made of strong stuff and you will get through this. I'd probably have keyed his car across the bonnet with something like "I sleep with prostitutes" by now.

Also, the bastard only "wants to work through things" because he's been found out. If you hadn't have found out he would have carried on.

Sending strength and love 💐

Being autistic doesn’t make you cheat ( nor does being depressed, being anxious of having BPD). I’m ASD and my exH had all the rest and neither of us ever cheated and nor would we.

This would be unforgivable for me. I wouldn’t be able to forget. What could he possibly say that would make it ok? That would make me not feel “not good enough”. No, he’d be done if he was mine.

My heart goes out to you. I take a lot of stock around intent versus impact. Whatever the motivations or intentions of your husband were, the impactcis he betrayed your married votes, treated you with no respect and or your health at risk. He can do all the soul searching he wants and try to get better, if MH is the reason, but you can't and shouldn't be expected to sort that. From someone whose husband messed around repeatedly. And eventually left for someone much younger, you will not only survive bit thrive. 5 years on I am far happier than ever before. Xxxx

Sending you strength.

Amazing how they always want to "work through it" only when they've been caught and it has consequences for them. Never because of your feelings, health, for the sake of honesty or integrity.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be torture. I think this is completely unforgivable. You have no reason to feel humiliated, although I realise that's easily said if that is how you feel. Tell the people around you as and when you feel comfortable - but real life support is so important. At minimum he should be telling people close to both of you such as parents and mutual friends what he's done. That would be the absolute baseline for even entertaining working on it as far as I'm concerned. If he won't do that and will not own it, then he really isn't sorry.

I’ve been through it OP, but he confessed.

I chucked him out, cut off contact.
Got back in touch a year later and tried to work through it. I looked through his net history, and it was all there. Then he admitted the full extent of it which was wild - it was multiple times and he felt like he ‘couldn’t stop’.

I cut him off for good and have never looked back, happily married with children now.

I appreciate you’re more entangled with kids and a house, but there really is no coming back from this - if you forgive him, you will make it look like you have no limit/boundaries. If you forgive the resentment and disrespect will destroy anything you try to rebuild with him. He will do it again and again, no matter what he says.

You need to take control of the narrative and end it. Sorry you’re going through this OP, I know it’s brutal.. hang on to the idea there’s light down this tunnel!

He has continually broken your wedding vows and is renting the bodies of poor women to use. I couldn't get past this.

So sorry to hear this OP - I was in your exact same position with my now ex, except we weren’t yet married, we were engaged and I found questionable web history and lots of photographs of sex workers he’d downloaded from an escort website. I actually stayed with him for another couple of years after I initially found his web history as my self esteem was so low I thought he would change and believed him when he said it didn’t ’mean anything’ and that he loved me. Newsflash - he didn’t change, continued sleeping around with escorts behind my back and eventually I fell out of love with him and ended our relationship. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done as I loved him and saw a future together but I also know it was the right thing to do as I realised that’s not what a man does to a woman he loves. That was 9 years ago and I went on to better things. Hang in there - there will be better things around the corner but it will be tough initially. Hugs

Get rid - how can you even consider allowing him to remain in your life !

"He wants to work through it."

Translation - he wants to settle the dust so he can do it again and hide his tracks better.

I’ve been thinking of you @Katebling snd I’d like to reiterate some PPs. I think you should tell everyone. Take back your power. Shame him. Put it on him. It’ll feel difficult, but you’ll truly get freedom from it by doing this. Literally announce it to everyone you know. Make him look like the shit he is to everyone.

Yeah my friend did this. Not posting it on social media but just quietly messaging us all and letting us know

I am so glad she did. I hope it was cathartic for her and it meant I knew exactly who he was and is.

The shame should be all his. He is the only one who should feel embarrassed.

“He wants to work through it”. Yeah, I bet he’s does. 🙄

But right now what he wants is completely irrelevant.

What do you want? I think you need some space to figure that out.

Im so sorry you’re going through this.

I'm so sorry.

First things first - tell someone. A friend or family member that you can trust. Don't shoulder this alone, because you need to be able to lean on someone.

Secondly - get yourself checked out. You need to tell the GP / clinic that he's been seeing prostitutes, and you don't know whether he's been engaging in unprotected sex, so that they understand the risk factors and can screen you accordingly.

Thirdly - whatever you decide to do, remember one thing. He said it didn't mean anything. This has always struck me as a curious excuse - that someone would risk their marriage and their family stability for something that didn't mean anything. But if your marriage and family are important to you, then surely you'd only risk them if you felt you had no other choice?

I would do this too before he has time to rewrite history.

Nobody will pat him on the back or have sympathy, they will view him as pathetic and disgusting and the outpouring of support will be for you.

Its not just he has used prostitutes, spent family money, and risked your health, for me it’s also how men treat prostitutes like worthless pieces of meat. You can’t unsee his absolute disrespect for women now - how he will have treated those prostitutes and how he has completely betrayed you.

Im so sorry the scumbag has done this to you.

Just a thought op. If you haven't told anyone in real life yet then maybe the sexual health clinic could be the first step. Go to a clinic and tell nurses what has happened to you, hopefully they will be kind. One step at a time.x

The staff who work in std clinics are some of the nicest the nhs has to offer. Honestly they’ve seen it all and are only there to help. You need their support. They get a lot of women in who are in your position

Agree with all of this. I lived in a red light district years ago. Seeing how men treated prostitutes was shocking. I have seen men still in their work suits, looking smart and capable, probably with families waiting for them, pick up broken, addicted, emaciated women so young they were barely women at all, and so out of it or unwell that they could hardly walk.
I just could never get beyond this. I don’t understand people who say “oh paying for it means it’s just sex, an affair would be so much worse” . I can understand an affair, someone falling in love, having a crush, or maybe a mid-life crisis. I could never, ever understand how a man can pick up a woman whose life is so derailed that she has no choices left, essentially rape her and then go home to people who love him, and sleep peacefully at night.

When you put it like that…

I had a prostitute live & work in the flat above me & saw her clients come & go. They weren't what I imagined, they were mainly in their 40's & 50's, perfectly ordinary looking, you could imagine they had gone to do work for her rather than the truth. I heard her pimp come on a Saturday morning to collect his cut of the takings & the arguments if he thought she hadn't made enough money. I couldn't get past this if it was my husband, my late dp admitted using prostitutes when he had been to Thailand with his dad on holiday many years before I met him, I told him that if I ever found out that he visited one again it would be the end of our relationship, no second chances. After he heard the girl above me & heard the arguments with the pimp, he realised that it wasn't just a case of the girl keeping all the takings, he also intervened when one of her clients turned nasty, he & one of my other neighbours went & helped remove the client & saved her from a beating.

Yuck. Awful. I am very sorry. What a horrible grotty piece of crud he is. Not only to betray you like that, but to put your health in danger like that!!!

I don't see how there's any coming back from this - I am sorry to say. The best thing you can do is to get yourself a good lawyer, make sure you get your finances and living situation etc etc squared away, and to make sure you get a full health work up - all the STDs etc - sorted out immediately.

I would urge you to make sure you know what all the credit cards and joint accounts etc etc you have are - including getting a credit report done to make sure he hasn't accrued any debts in your name on credit cards and other stuff that you aren't aware of (which is sadly typical for scumbags who spend money on that kind of stuff - they often have other credit cards and phones). Remove yourself from that stuff immediately if you can, and get the date of separation sorted out as soon as possible so that you aren't responsible for any of his spending or debt accrual on that kind of nonsense.

Please find some people in real life to trust as soon as you can - try to stick to close family, not friends if at all possible - i.e. people who will be there for you no matter what. But the great thing about a lawyer is that this is their job. I would also urge you to speak to your GP and make clear that you are in shock and terribly worried about your health (see above about getting yourself tested) and also your mental health - they can help you. Hopefully you will also get yourself a therapist to talk to so you have someone to vent to who you feel safe talking to about all this stuff.

I am very sorry. I have had to deal with similar and it's utterly gut punchingly vomitous. Please get out of that relationship and don't look back. You deserve so much better. And it will get better. I was so scared to leave (in my case the ex was also violent and abusive - so it was even more difficult in that regard - he didn't leave the house and he had made me convinced that I was a lesser person etc etc). Anyway: years later I can tell you that everything is SO much better than when I was with him! A thousand percent!!! The only thing that bothers me is that I didn't leave him sooner. But that's not something I think about much.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You aren't the one who has anything to feel ashamed about. And I hope you are able to get divorced and move along from this gross person as soon as possible. Even if you have to live in a studio bedsit (which you won't!!) it will be better than sharing a mansion with a scoundrel like him.

He won't change. My ex constantly went on swingers sote, nsa sites looking for hook ups. I never found proof he'd gone through with it so I stayed as we had small kids. He'd beg forgiveness, say he'd change, seek help from sex addiction. He was just lying. His behaviours got worse and worse and his disrespect towards me grew til he followed the script and made me out to be a monster and bi-polar. He then met a woman through work and started an affair and walked out on us anyway. I put up with so much shit from him! I'm now happily single and do regret wasting 20 yrs with that sleezeball. You have enough evidence to know he's cheated so my advice would be to kick him out pronto. He has zero respect for you or your children.