AIBU to be absolutely devastated after seeing my husband's web history?

[Katebling]

I’m not even sure where to begin. I feel sick writing this.

Earlier this week, I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. My husband has been distant, more secretive with his phone and laptop, and just… off. I wish I hadn't looked, but I did. I checked his web history, and what I found has turned my world upside down.

There were multiple visits to escort sites, forums discussing prostitutes, and even searches like “how much does it cost to see a prostitute in London ”. Some of these weren’t from months ago — some were very recent. I confronted him, and after initially denying it, he admitted to seeing prostitutes. More than once.

We’ve been together for years. I never thought I’d be in this situation. I feel betrayed, ashamed, and angry beyond words. He says it “didn’t mean anything” and he “just wanted something different” — as if that somehow makes it better.

I haven’t told anyone in real life yet. I’m humiliated. We have kids, a house, a life — and now I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to scream and kick him out, and part of me is frozen in shock. He says he wants to work through it. I’m not sure I can or even want to.

So… AIBU to think this is an unforgivable betrayal? Has anyone else been through something like this? What did you do?

Please be kind. I’m really struggling.

@Katebling you have nothing to be ashamed of. It is totally ok to go to a GUM clinic or well woman clinic. There is no judgement just advice and help.

My experience was with my ex and escorts and he is my ex. All decisions now are yours. Do NOT accept being treated as less than you are. You are worth far more than he can ever afford. He is a dirty nasty loser who treats women like commodities and treats his wife like sh!t. I would leave him. Do not waste more of your precious life on him.

Damn how insufferable. I assume you are basing this on m dashes, and it’s not your great intellect at work. In whatever case no one needs your kind of posts on this thread. Ever so clever though you are of course

Jog on @yawnnnnnn - you’re not wanted on this thread

Don’t they always blame mental health for sleeping with people .

That would be all the reasons I would need to end it right there. Done deal. No looking back. So many things I forgive, but that would be the line well and truely crossed.

Of course he wants to work through it
This is your choice OP, not his

I’m so sorry you are going through this, you will be absolutely devastated.

You don’t need to do anything right now @Katebling. No big decisions need to be made immediately. You’ve had a shock.

I would be devastated. The person you loved the most, trusted the most, has let you down so badly. It’s so sad and unnecessary. You have nothing to be ashamed about - this is about him not you.

There would be no going back for me. As sad as that is, and as life changing as that decision might be, he has behaved in an unforgivable way. I would never ever trust him again. About anything. That’s not how I would want to live my life.

So would I except that I wouldn't be packing for him, or doing any other wifely chores. He needs to leave OP, but you do NOT need to help him out. I hope you get the time and space you need to process this awful shock, and there is someone you can trust to talk to.🌸

Not with a husband but was dating someone and found out he was soon this and I just felt repulsed. Unfortunately, it seems to be a common thing I hear about. Do not think
you will be able to come back from it. You won’t look at him the same and it will eat you up get rid. Must be shocking and devastating I can imagine but you will get over it do not think
you will while having him around. I am single mother have been for quite some time and it is so peaceful most of the time and I would say I am happy apart from usual worries with a pre teen. Sorry he’s gross.

Tell EVERYONE
don’t make his shame yours

A close friend of mine found out her husband had done the same - prostitutes coming to their house while she was away (she found used condoms in the bathroom).

He admitted to being a sex addict. they tried counselling (she was giving him a chance, or so he thought), but all the while she was sorting out her finances, seeing a solicitor etc

She came away from the marriage with their house (basically she had paid for it anyway) and he received his (failing) business.

This did affect her a lot, she is a very strong woman, but she did go to counselling herself and was in a support group of women all of whom had experienced the same thing. it took her a couple of years to come out the other side.

She is now very happy with a lovely gentle man, who has had his share of bad marriages, but it has taken a while.

So, be brave, be calm (outwardly at least) and tackle the practical side, but get some emotional support too.

I’m so sorry op. Please understand that it is not your shame. It is not you. Nor can this behaviour be excused, whether by mental health issues, depression - there is no excuse. I am sorry for being this brutal but no man who loves and respects their wife would do this to them. Whatever he says now, he is just scrambling for justification of which there is none. He has betrayed your love and trust. He has broken his vows. He has broken his children’s home. He has directly put you at serious risk of STDs. He has taken advantage of vulnerable women. You probably can’t think further than tomorrow, but throw him out and take things one day at a time.

I think this is really good advice.
Do whatever it takes to protect your future.

Have a look at the Sex addicts anonymous website
these fellowships all have linked support for family and friends who are struggling with someone’s behaviour (like al -anon who support family and friends of problem drinkers )a group of people who really understand the dynamics of your situation
you can come back from any situation with dignity and integrity you will eventually see how your experience will benefit others I have seen advised when things get unbearable just keep doing the normal things to give yourself balance
eat normally exercise stay hydrated be kind to yourself you can get through this you know you deserve better

This one has upset me a bit. I'm not at all emotional - I cry about once a decade - but this is really unfair. These are my thoughts, which will either be helpful or totally useless.

My first thought is that this stuff is absolutely empty. There is no emotion or feeling - it is purely transactional. Its grubby and nasty and he should never have done it, but it is just a transaction. But at all levels of the sex industry, it is about exploitation. I know there are the outspoken high class escorts out there who talk about being empowered - good for them for feeling that way - but they are being exploited regardless. He has brought something nasty into your world that shouldn't be there and I don't mean the women he slept with.

Then there is the testing. I hope you don't mind me saying that you now need to go and get tests done at the doctor. I hope you will find the courage to go and I think it will do you good to tell the doctor or nurse why you are doing it. Do not spare your husband's blushes and have a good cry if you need to. I don't care if he goes to the same surgery - you can and should keep your head held up high. You're blameless here - he's in the wrong - and now you've got to do something unpleasant, but it will soon be done and over. You'll get both peace of mind and sympathy. Don't stay guessing.

You're inevitably going to have arguments. But whatever he says to you at any point in any argument, you have played no part in any in this. He cannot put an iota of blame onto you. Even if things had been off, there is an emotional contract and he has broken it. He cannot say you're overreacting at any point - you're reacting as you see fit/feel. This is a rare argument where you can claim 100% of the moral high ground. Perhaps a thorough, thoughtful and abject apology that hits all your points of hurt and a permanent change of ways could be good enough for you, should you want to continue. I personally would consider the right apology, if it were me, simply because I'm not the emotional type - I have a swinging brick, as my DH often says. But if this relationship is forever sullied for you, you should be brave because not all men are like this. Yours has really let you down and you are in the driving seat here, whatever guff he comes up with.

I do think men get slated a bit too often on MN, but really this is awful behaviour - just as bad as an affair in my book, if for different reasons. You will get through it, though and if you focus on what you need, what's right for you, and stand your ground, whatever you decide will be the right decision.

Don't be ashamed. You don't have to tell the clinic details, just say that your partner had a ONS without protection so you need checking for everything.
Unless the home test can check for everything a clinic seems the better option

I am so sorry; what a hideous shock. You must be feeling totally blindsided. Personally I could not get past or work though this, all trust has gone and it will not return, how could you believe he was telling you the truth ever again.

Why have you written this with AI?

OP - you must leave this man and get a sexual health test. There are many women on this site who can offer you good advice about practical stuff. This level of betrayal is on another level. He’s not the man you thought he was. Please , please look after yourself.

Well, he’s a cunt, isn’t he?

I couldn’t forgive that OP, and I’d be doing everything I could to leave. Is there anywhere you can go for some space?

Im sorry this is happening to you. It is not your shame to carry its his. Its down to you if you want to forgive him. Personally I could not. He cheated repeatedly. That is a choice and he made it. Please get support to move on, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, it is ALL him.

What do you do ? Contact a solicitor and know your rights . Get tested for STIs and leave him

He is disgusting.
Take care of yourself OP. Today is day 1. Do what you need to do. And do not fall for any of his bullshit.

Only you can decide what you want to do.
What sort of role model is he for your children?
Whether sons or daughters