AIBU to be absolutely devastated after seeing my husband's web history?

[Katebling]

I’m not even sure where to begin. I feel sick writing this.

Earlier this week, I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. My husband has been distant, more secretive with his phone and laptop, and just… off. I wish I hadn't looked, but I did. I checked his web history, and what I found has turned my world upside down.

There were multiple visits to escort sites, forums discussing prostitutes, and even searches like “how much does it cost to see a prostitute in London ”. Some of these weren’t from months ago — some were very recent. I confronted him, and after initially denying it, he admitted to seeing prostitutes. More than once.

We’ve been together for years. I never thought I’d be in this situation. I feel betrayed, ashamed, and angry beyond words. He says it “didn’t mean anything” and he “just wanted something different” — as if that somehow makes it better.

I haven’t told anyone in real life yet. I’m humiliated. We have kids, a house, a life — and now I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to scream and kick him out, and part of me is frozen in shock. He says he wants to work through it. I’m not sure I can or even want to.

So… AIBU to think this is an unforgivable betrayal? Has anyone else been through something like this? What did you do?

Please be kind. I’m really struggling.

You need to kick him out and get a divorce.

Can a marriage survive a drunken shag at the work Xmas do? Maybe. Can a marriage survive this level of betrayal? No. Absolutely not.

Sod that. Take them to a charity shop. He can spend the money he pays for sex on new trainers instead.

This

Experienced similar. I remember the shock of the discovery and feeling sick from the deception and betrayal. I’m so sorry. Was down the GUM clinic within 24 hours. No shame in it and you don’t have to give your real name. You get a reference number to identify you when you phone for your results instead of your name.
Divorced ASAP.

I just wanted to give a different perspective here.
For me, sex with an escort isn’t as bad as an affair, as there is little emotion involved in it.
He isn’t looking for ‘love’ elsewhere, he is looking for something sexual, which still isn’t great, but is better than an office romance or similar.

Id definitely take some time to think about what you want, you can end your marriage or try and work through it, but do what you can cope with, everyone else will have opinions but it’s about your boundaries.

Did her husband take time to think about the possibility of passing on STD’s to his wife?

'He says it “didn’t mean anything” and he “just wanted something different” — as if that somehow makes it better.'

Well now it's your turn. This does mean something. You now want something different. That will make you feel better.

Go get medical check up.
Show him the door & push him through it.
Go see family law solicitor for advice.
All can be done by this time next week.
Take a biiiiig deep breath & work out at your own pace what it is you really want for yourself.

I am so, so sorry OP this is unforgivable. This man has put your health at risk that would be enough for me.
Please go to your local clinic (I had to) you will be amazed, the staff will be kind and supportive. They will have empathy for your situation and you will be able to get all the necessary checks done in one go.
They will have heard the same story week in and week out, nothing you say will surprise or shock them. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Please find strength in your anger and please get this man out of your life. It won't be easy but the level of disrespect and disregard for you is off the scale.
I wish you well OP.

Sorry, remind me why are you trying to justify his actions?

Why are you accusing her of using AI?

I don’t agree. It’s just about understandable (although horribly wrong) that an affair happens at work when there’s an attraction between a couple who get on well. I think that there’s something very cold and calculating about booking to see a prostitute, who is a complete stranger and a vulnerable young woman. After doing whatever he want to her (not with her), returning home to his loving wife and children as if nothing’s happened. It’s utterly disgusting!

Hopefully you'll have an std test asap.

I'd be asking him to move out.

At this horrible time, you don't need to be dealing with the self indulgent emotions of a man who is sorry he got caught begging to 'work through' this thing he's been doing for a good while that 'meant nothing'.

I want to second what @DBD1975said about the kindness of the staff at the std clinic (been there, done that, sadly).

I couldn’t get through it, and there’d be no we

So sorry lovely it’s awful for you personally if go away alone for a couple days and think
Also he’s putting your health at risk sleeping with sex workers even with protection so maybe. GUM clinic appointment is a good idea.
Money also spending money in sex isn’t acceptable.

TBh my husband cheated on me with a stranger 3 years ago as he said he thought I was cheating which I never have since then he’s ruined what we had and I can’t forgive him or trust him and his was a 2 minute fumble.

But
Don’t rush - get some legal advice over money housing etc as you’ll need to get that sorted if you do leave
but be kind to yourself xxx

I would ask him to leave and never go back. Cheating is bad enough, seeing prostitutes to cheat even worse.

Apologies if others have already said this. Don't feel embarrassed to get a face to face STD check. You can say you are in a new relationship and just want to screen yourself before you become intimate with anyone. You can also say it's possible that a previous partner has slept with a sex worker without going into details. There is nothing you can say that they won't have heard before. There is nothing that can shock or embarass them and they are not out to judge you or have a laugh at your expense. No GUM nurse would ever do that.

I’m not someone who could move past this. Im so sorry you are going through this - I went through similar and the shock actually caused me to become severely dehydrated. He doesn’t respect you OP, therefore he can’t possibly love you. He has fallen out of love and it happens to us all the time. If it’s any consolation men often associate love with sex and women with emotional connections, but that does not excuse what he has done. Looking back on my own situation, I did a lot of screaming and shouting. With hindsight I wish I had been able to remain calm, silent, and have just removed him from my life with dignity, but I’m emotional so it wasn’t possible. I was also blind sided and he was living two separate lives. My GP was wonderful and I was on a lot of medication to help me through at the time. 20 yrs on, I remarried, but separated for very different reasons and I have realised I’m so much happier on my own, with my dogs and cat. I have family and friends - and have no desire to be upset by a relationship ever again. You were ok before you met him, and therefore you will be ok after. I managed to co-parent with gritted teeth and the odd outburst but never in front of my kids. Very hard, but they have both thrived in the face of adversity and are now extremely emotionally stable and in successful relationships and careers. Focus on calmness if you can. X

Why do you need to know? AI tools exist and are here to stay. Some people use it. It's not a big deal. You'll be very busy if you want to challenge every piece of writing with an em dash out there.

Honey you need to get a full STI check up at a clinic, see a solicitor with all your financials and get a counsellor.

Do you really want this shadow over you for the rest of your life? You are worth so much more and this is a good opportunity to leave him in your past and live your good life.

Yes. Or neurodivergence.

Why would you be ashamed going to a clinic for an STD test? I went to a specialist sex clinic in my city and wasn’t embarrassed. There were people who were obviously sex workers and a lot of gay men - but I was surprised by the amount of people in their 50’s who were there - both men and women. I was the only 30 year old woman there.

No one was embarrassed to be there. And you shouldn’t be embarrassed either. It’s very common to get a full STD panel when you go in for a Pap smear in my country. It’s something I used to do when I was seeing someone new. I’d get tested and ask them to get tested too - so that neither of us had to worry.

Obviously, your situation is different - but you aren’t the one who should be ashamed. You’ve done nothing wrong.

It’s ok to be angry. Advancement in science means they can make HIV undetectable; but strains of HPV (which is very common) can cause cancer - so this is very much a health issue. Get yourself into a clinic for blood tests and a Pap smear and full STD panel. You might need counselling too - to help you get over through this.

This isn’t something you should be ashamed about at all.

@Katebling Please don't feel ashamed about getting tested. You've done nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong.
The betrayal you're experiencing is immense and you need time to process it. Once the shock wears off I suggest counselling to help you work through your emotions and for support moving forward in whichever way you choose. It might be a good idea to get some space, one of you moving out, until you've got your bearings again.

I couldn't 'work through' this.

Think practically-do you rent/own? Is the house in both names? Do you work full time? Can you pay things alone?