AIBU to be absolutely devastated after seeing my husband's web history?

[Katebling]

I’m not even sure where to begin. I feel sick writing this.

Earlier this week, I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. My husband has been distant, more secretive with his phone and laptop, and just… off. I wish I hadn't looked, but I did. I checked his web history, and what I found has turned my world upside down.

There were multiple visits to escort sites, forums discussing prostitutes, and even searches like “how much does it cost to see a prostitute in London ”. Some of these weren’t from months ago — some were very recent. I confronted him, and after initially denying it, he admitted to seeing prostitutes. More than once.

We’ve been together for years. I never thought I’d be in this situation. I feel betrayed, ashamed, and angry beyond words. He says it “didn’t mean anything” and he “just wanted something different” — as if that somehow makes it better.

I haven’t told anyone in real life yet. I’m humiliated. We have kids, a house, a life — and now I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to scream and kick him out, and part of me is frozen in shock. He says he wants to work through it. I’m not sure I can or even want to.

So… AIBU to think this is an unforgivable betrayal? Has anyone else been through something like this? What did you do?

Please be kind. I’m really struggling.

It is not a situation i have faced, but one i know would be immediately the end. I would be so disgusted by them the thought of them would make me physically sick, nevermind actually looking at or being touched by them. It would be the end of all sexual and affectionate physical contact, and i know if i'm not giving it to them, they'll just go elsewhere again and again. They won't just "take" the punishment of never engaging in anything sexual again in order to stay with me, i know that.

Oh gosh I’m so sorry. As others have said, worse than an affair because it really reflects how he sees women. Also I don’t believe he will stop doing it if you stay with him. He’ll just cover his tracks better 😔

This is definitely LTB Territory for me.

He's not only been unfaithful and exposed you to risk of STDs, he's also exploiting women who are highly likely to be trafficked or otherwise vulnerable.

Get your ducks in a row, chop his willy off and then get out

You poor thing OP. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. What a complete bastard. I very rarely say LTB on here, but honestly? I feel like I can speak on behalf of 99% of Mumsnetters when I say LTB.

Or KTBO. Kick the bastard out.

I am so sorry you are going through this. As a previous poster said this is not your shame. Get you hands on as much money as you can immediately and then put your financial world in order. Get all the papers. Try not to let him get to it first. If he does, you tell him you are going to blast out his searches to everyone you know, especially those closest to him. I'm sorry if I missed this, but do you have children together? If you have a daughter I think this makes this whole mess even worse.

Leaving someone- especially when you have children, a house, a whole LIFE together- is scary as hell. But staying with someone knowing you’ll never be at peace again, ever, is living in hell.
Be kind to yourself. You didn’t ask for any of this and nothing you have done has caused this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. That’s all his to carry.

You've had a horrific shock. My advice is take your time, take at least a few days to settle your head and just digest the shock before you even start to make decisions. Look after yourself. Better still get a friend/family member to look after you. Important is that he goes - immediately. You just need that space. Otherwise you are more likely to end up being very vulnerable and weak in his eyes (keep that hidden from him) and then he'll think he's in charge. So he has to go, at least for now.
Really sorry this has happened OP. You'll find lots of support here.

Unforgiveable. A one night stand I might (probably not) forgive if he really regretted it but regularly buying female bodies with family money 🤮. I wouldn't even want to be in the same room as him even if he wasn't my husband. What a disgusting human being he is. Take him to the cleaners!
Do you have daughters? How old? I would be wary about leaving them with him because he has already crossed so many lines. Wish you the best💐

You deserve better

I think you need to speak to your support network in real life.

take you time with any decisions

I agree with this too.

And also make sure you get swift and good advice on protecting finances, passports and other important documents.

Even really nice people can be pretty mean in a separation

@Katebling frankly put… He didn’t want to work through it save your marriage and make sure he didn’t sleep around .
He only wants to work through it now he’s caught and scratches an itch.
I wouldn’t trust him to stop . If you stay with him all it means is he can do as he pleases and you won’t leave.

Im sorry .
less heart ache to put him out now . He had torn your life apart not you .

He says he wants to work through it.

It's not about what he wants. He's the one who has broken your trust and his vows. He doesn't get to dictate to you how you should react and what you should do about it.

Ask him to leave to give you some time to think. Ideally ask him not to contact you for a few days, so you don't have to listen to his pathetic bleating about how it didn't mean anything, he loves you and wants to stay married. Don't listen. If there's anyone you can talk to IRL, do. Take legal advice. Protect your money.

There would be no coming back from this for me, but only you can decide what's right for you. You can never trust him again.

I totally agree with this too @Katebling
Im so so sorry you’re going through this. What a nightmare and an awful shock. You need time and you need some space. Can you drop your kids with your parents and go away for a few days to think? Or if you’d rather stay at home ask him to get out.
keep coming back here for advice and please believe you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Sending lots of love x

If they are fancy trainers I would sell them to recoup some of the family money he has wasted on his disgusting habit.

To me it's not just about what he's already done, it's what he might do in future. I'd never be able to trust him again. And demanding access to his phone, computer, bank accounts etc is no way to live. It would just be a constant reminder.

He hasn't got mental health problems? Depression?

So what. Plenty of people manage to cope with MH problems without cheating on their spouse

Yes this - pop them on vinted

It's awful, I am so sorry. But do take time to breathe and plan your next move. I think it's obvious that this is over, but it doesn't mean things need to be thrown out on the lawn this minute, not least because there are children involved. I would take the weekend to decide on how to handle this - speak to those who love you and have your best interests at heart, you will need good friends going forward. But definitely make decisions and choices from a strong standpoint, give yourself a bit of time and space. I also had a cheating husband, although not in the same way, and you have my utmost sympathy.

In times like this MN is truly fantastic and I wish it had been around when I was divorcing. There is such good advice on this thread and I hope you have time to read it all later @Katebling
The piece of advice that’s always stuck with me is “Feel your anger” This will help you - you are not to blame in any of this x

I am so sorry you are going through this, you have nothing to be ashamed of, for me this would be worse than an affair, he has cheated but he has put your health at huge risk and he sees women as something he can buy and mistreat, I can’t see how he will never respect you or any woman, you deserve so much more than this x

Are you kidding?

I don’t know what to say … sending a big hug tho

I’m so sorry your life has been turned upside down, you must be devastated but you’ll get through this.
Please do not feel ashamed ….YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT.
Hold your head up and do the things you have to do to get through this and that includes a clinic visit.
This is now your new normal, you can’t turn the clock back - be strong for yourself and your children.
Take heed of MN advice and make decisions that will give you and your children a happier life.