AIBU to be absolutely devastated after seeing my husband's web history?

[Katebling]

I’m not even sure where to begin. I feel sick writing this.

Earlier this week, I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. My husband has been distant, more secretive with his phone and laptop, and just… off. I wish I hadn't looked, but I did. I checked his web history, and what I found has turned my world upside down.

There were multiple visits to escort sites, forums discussing prostitutes, and even searches like “how much does it cost to see a prostitute in London ”. Some of these weren’t from months ago — some were very recent. I confronted him, and after initially denying it, he admitted to seeing prostitutes. More than once.

We’ve been together for years. I never thought I’d be in this situation. I feel betrayed, ashamed, and angry beyond words. He says it “didn’t mean anything” and he “just wanted something different” — as if that somehow makes it better.

I haven’t told anyone in real life yet. I’m humiliated. We have kids, a house, a life — and now I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to scream and kick him out, and part of me is frozen in shock. He says he wants to work through it. I’m not sure I can or even want to.

So… AIBU to think this is an unforgivable betrayal? Has anyone else been through something like this? What did you do?

Please be kind. I’m really struggling.

Give yourself a couple of days breathing space before making any decisions. Keep an eye on your bank account if it's a joint one , how do you feel about asking him to stay elsewhere until you're ready to discuss things?
Once you have caught your breath, start making a list - finances , how much would you need to survive without him , do you work full time, is your house owned or rented, amount left on mortgage etc.
What a bastard.

He is autistic was diagnosed in his mid 30s.seems to go through periods of depression in winter

Of course he has to go. Any man who thinks money buys consent is utterly disgusting.

@Katebling How awful OP - truly shocking - you must feel blind-sided. I'm so sorry.
How about if you “just wanted something different”? How would he feel about that? And how, exactly, does he plan to "work through it"? Is he full of remorse, begging for your forgiveness, allowing you unfettered access to his devices, and promising to never have sex outside of your marriage again? I would expect all these expressions of contrition to even contemplate discussing moving forward together, and without them I'd be packing his bags and leaving them on the doorstep. If he can afford to spend money on sex workers without your consent, he can afford to spend money on a hotel with your consent (on the other hand, could he be trusted not to use that as another opportunity to indulge his predilection? 😠 )
You need time to absorb what you've learned about your H and process it before you can decide whether or not you want to continue your marriage. I have to say, for me, this would be an absolute deal-breaker - he spent family money on buying women (more than once) lied to you about it when confronted, and unless you've chosen not to give too much detail, he doesn't sound overly sorry about his behaviour. Did he even consider the risk to your sexual health OP?
You don't say how old your DC are - are they still living at home? There's a lot for you to consider and I hope you get a few days, at least, of peace and quiet away from him to do just that. 🤗

As someone else has suggested, you never really knew this man. He’s been hiding a side from you that’s dark and disturbing. You’ll be in shock but try and focus on self-preservation and your kids, get him to leave as quickly as you can and tell yourself that at least you found out and won’t be spending any more time with him, living a lie.

I’m not surprised you’re frozen with shock. You poor thing, But you’ll come to your full senses soon enough.

it would be the end for me, I’m afraid. Instant marriage killer. Men who pay for sex are pathetic creeps. I could never let him touch me again.

I agree with this, I don't know if I could get past infidelity I don't think so, but I absolutely couldn't get over my husband thinking women and consent can be bought and sold. No consideration as to whether that woman had been trafficked, is feeding her addiction, put out for sale by an abusive partner or dealer she owes money to, disassociating because of childhood or other trauma, using sex as a method of self harm. Just using her body as a vessel essentially.

I've worked professionally with women who sell sex and I couldn't even look a man in the eye who bought someone, the damage I have seen is indescribable.

So sorry OP. Always the gut instinct is right.

I had this discussion with DH before marriage and said anything to do with the opposite gender would be instant divorce. No friends, no chatting and anything worse is 100% unforgivable and well end the marriage. So he knows there is no way back. I could never compromise on this. It would be the end for me.
You really need time to think about things and see what your want and need to do. Not be convinced by his earwigging.

I’m so sorry oP.

It’s all just gross.

It would be it for me. I wouldn’t enjoy being in the same room, let alone the same marriage.

This isn’t your fault. Give yourself a nicer world to live in than what he has turned yours into.

I’m sorry OP. I know a friend who this happened to - she worked through it with him. He is a sex addict and I really admire her take on it: it’s an illness and I would support him through a physical illness, why not this…. BUT, it was clear from the extent of it that it was most definitely an illness and they got so so so much therapy. Together and alone. There are therapists who specialise in this. And he had to admit he was an addict and get help. But she only worked through it for the children. They’re in a better place now - five years on, but it was very jags for her. She’s the strongest woman I know - it takes more to forgive than it does to leave.

BUT, if he’s not an addict and this is just him being an efffffing idiot then you have no choice really but to ask him to leave, or you’ll forever be stuck in that horrible place. I think that needs to happen first really - he should leave while you process and work this through. It needn’t be forever if you decide to work through it xx

I couldn't forgive it. It was premeditated, he went looking for it rather than a moment of weakness or accidently developing feelings. Neither are an excuse for an affair but for me, actively searching out someone to have sex with seems so much worse. I also couldn't be with a man who used a prostitute, it's deeply sickening to me that a man would do that and allow a woman to give up her body for money. The woman could be absolutely desperate and feels that is her only option to pay the bills or she could be being forced into it. There's also a desperation to it that would just give me the ick and I could not look at them in a sexual way again.

And definitely go to a clinic/ private doctor on his credit card. Why should you risk your own health because of his decisions. You have your beautiful children to consider - they need their beautiful and courageous mother to be healthy xxx

You’ve got to ltb

Tragic that he has thrown his marriage away on something that meant nothing, shows how much he valued his vows. Let’s not forgot the women he has been paying for sex, highly likely these are trafficked women and probably very young.

I'm so sorry OP, you must be reeling from the shock 😔 please don't feel humiliated or ashamed to tell people - you need support and the shame is all his.

I would be telling him to leave so you can have some space and time to absorb the shock and think. Please reach out to a close friend or family member to support you.

Ultimately, I couldn't continue the relationship after such a disgusting betrayal. I would feel that I didn't know this person, he's not who you thought he was. Take your time and make a plan, get legal advice and look at all your options. He may be feeling guilty and try and persuade you to work things out but his feelings are not your problem. He didn't think about your feelings when he was doing this, or think about how he would be blowing his children's lives up. You owe him nothing. Think about what's best for you and the children and take care of yourself lovely 💐

Of course he says he wants to work through it but that's only because you caught him out. If you hadn't, he would have just carried on regardless with no intention of 'working through it'.

He wanted you to paint your nails like the prostitutes so he could relive his sordid sex indulgences at home. You are worth so much more than this disgusting man who exploits other women for their bodies. You don't have to work through anything. You don't have to be tortured by imagining him with trafficked young women every time you look at him. You know you'll never be able to have sex with him again or have a morsel of respect for him.

Do what's best for you, not what's best for him. You're at a crossroads now so make sure you take the right road for you and don't be waylaid by a low-life, deceitful piece of garbage who has no respect for you or his family.

You should feel no shame or cover up for him. Just tell people matter of factly that you found out he's been visiting prostitutes, which he has admitted, so your marriage is over. Nobody is going to blame you for that. The humiliation and shame is all is - let him sink under the weight of it.

I was in a similar situation some years ago. Found out DH had been using prostitutes while away with work. I was very unwell at the time and couldn’t think straight. I spent a couple nights away to try and get my head around it and get some space. We tried to work through it and for a while he was the ideal DH (obviously aside from being a lying cheating b!) but then he started to try and find fault with me. I can only relate it to him trying to make me as bad as him which obviously wasn’t doable as I’d never even given my number to anyone else let alone sleep with them. It got worse to the point one day I had had enough and told him to leave.

What he did put an irreparable hole in our marriage. The trust was gone. His infertility broke us completely.

something I didn’t know at the time was you can’t file for divorce using adultery if you take him back for 6 months (I think that was it, it’s over a decade ago now). I know you can go for divorce for other reasons but I was gutted when I found this out as that was the main reason our marriage ended and it somehow felt like he had gotten to brush it under the carpet by me not being able to use that. I did go for unreasonable behaviour and put it in there in the end but I would’ve preferred adultery.

Like someone else said; he had used family funds to pay for this. Plus he obviously lied about where he was/what he was doing. Didn’t care that I was left holding the baby so to speak. Getting his end away meant more than me. He could’ve sorted himself out and kept us as our family unit but when he got that money out and paid her, he was happily kissing goodbye to us. That hurt. I’d always made it clear I would walk if he ever cheated so he knew the risk and that meant more than all our years together. I didn’t walk in the end because of our years together and children (and obviously loved him) but wish I’d left sooner now. I wasted too many of my younger years on that man and it feels harder to find another man the older you get.

Do what you need to do. We don’t know your circumstances or the impact this will have on you etc so it has to be your choice. You don’t have to decide right now. You need time to process it and whatever you are feeling is ok. It’s your life. Good luck with whatever you decide. X

so sorry this happened to you, just wanted to add please go to an actual clinic for testing as you need the full range including blood tests that you won’t be able to do at home

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.
He’s adulterous and supporting the exploitation of women.

Im so sorry you’re in the position and hoping you find the strength to do whatever you need to do.

Men who pay to use women’s bodies like this do not really see women as people. True consent cannot be bought.

I would never, ever, stay with someone who did this. So sorry OP.

I do agree the shame is all his but one thing I would caution op is that down the line you may regret telling people because of your Dc.

If my dad has done this, I’d be so relieved if my mum hadn’t told anyone. It’s really foul and lame.

Aaargh! I can hear the pain in this post.

Why do people do it??

It’s so sordid.

Anyway op, there’s some really valuable facts and experience in this poster’s post.
x

The male mind boggles me at times

I sometimes wonder if it even boggles them.

Its impossible to advise really, without knowing you and your marriage.
All I can say is that I would never be able to work through/get over this. It would be the end.