AIBU to be absolutely devastated after seeing my husband's web history?

[Katebling]

I’m not even sure where to begin. I feel sick writing this.

Earlier this week, I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. My husband has been distant, more secretive with his phone and laptop, and just… off. I wish I hadn't looked, but I did. I checked his web history, and what I found has turned my world upside down.

There were multiple visits to escort sites, forums discussing prostitutes, and even searches like “how much does it cost to see a prostitute in London ”. Some of these weren’t from months ago — some were very recent. I confronted him, and after initially denying it, he admitted to seeing prostitutes. More than once.

We’ve been together for years. I never thought I’d be in this situation. I feel betrayed, ashamed, and angry beyond words. He says it “didn’t mean anything” and he “just wanted something different” — as if that somehow makes it better.

I haven’t told anyone in real life yet. I’m humiliated. We have kids, a house, a life — and now I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to scream and kick him out, and part of me is frozen in shock. He says he wants to work through it. I’m not sure I can or even want to.

So… AIBU to think this is an unforgivable betrayal? Has anyone else been through something like this? What did you do?

Please be kind. I’m really struggling.

The fact he thinks it is his choice to work through it just pisses me off even more.

I'd rather my (hypothetical) husband had an actual affair. I couldn't forgive that either, but having him pay vulnerable women.. I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye with anything other than disgust.

Yes.

Please just go and get tested and get yourself a nice fresh, loving home for your Dc.

I’m sometimes inclined to be slow to say LTB esp with children involved, but this is beyond an affair or a grumpy twat.

Absolutely unforgivable. I’m so sorry @Katebling . 💐

This is not your shame OP

@Katebling he might be diagnosed autistic but that is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour. He isn't mentally impaired or unable to control himself. He's made selfish choices with no regard for you and will now need to deal with the consequences. Prioritise yourself and your children and let him get on with the sordid life he's choosing.

Please know you deserve so much better

no one can tell you to leave or stay but if you choose to stay it will be you who’s self confidence will be damaged it will be you who will question your self respect it will be you who will feel that constant shame, mistrust and you will be waiting for it to happen again

is he worth all that on top of the betrayal and pain he has already caused

You have done nothing wrong. Please go to a clinic and find someone irl to confide in. Also hugs and a handhold x

Absoloutly disgusting and unforgivable. Many escorts don’t use protection for an extra cost so please get a full STD test done asap.

You have absoloutley nothing to be ashamed of. He’s a pig and deserves everything he gets. Try and get an appointment asap with a solicitor. The actual divorce is around £600 and very easily done online on the gov website. Even if he objects it will still be granted. As for finances it’s best to see a solicitor to see what you’re entitled too.

All the best OP. What an awful situation to be in. 😔

You do not need to be ashamed. They will have had thousands of women going in because their husbands have cheated on them. It’s probably one of the most common reasons people go.

I'd definitely go to the clinic say your husband has cheated with prostitutes please check for everything

These sad sacks never change. He'll still be bothering sex workers when he's got one foot in the grave.

'I thought it was better than having an affair!' is the standard line. You've probably heard it already.

What he means is, the attractive younger women he covets would never shag him for free- he's not got a hope in hell of an affair.

Go to a proper clinic for full testing and ask for throat swabs as well. I don't know if they do on demand HPV tests in addition to all the usual stuff, but ask about them anyway in case they can.

Small consolation, but the women he's been paying despise him just as much as you do.

The sheer level of disrespect. I’d have him out. How disgusting! I’m so sorry.

Part of me wants to scream and kick him out, and part of me is frozen in shock. He says he wants to work through it. I’m not sure I can or even want to.

so sorry @Katebling Take your time. Your shock must be deep and really unbalancing.

Ask him to leave to give you space to think. I find going for long walks helps me.

And don’t feel you need to have a complete response now. Don’t let him pressure you.

Also, in case no one else has said it, read up on “The Script”. I expect he’ll start using it: ”marriage stale,” “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” etc etc etc

Good luck

Sleeping with different women increasing the chance of infecting you with an STD
Unforgivable
To be honest Op, I wouldn’t be able to sleep with him again.

I have gone through something vaguely similar. My other half repeatedly sent money on onlyfans. It pales in comparison but I can't get over it and ive wasted more than a year since. Our relationship is dead. It's awful but I think the sooner you accept it's dead the better. I feel for you, it's absolutely awful but don't be me, don't waste more of this precious life.

Go with your gut, @Katebling- this is really important. Do the screaming, kick him out of that’s what you need to do. He has seriously broken your trust so you are allowed to feel however you do.
It’s his shame and not yours. If you don’t want to tell wider family just yet, confide in a friend or someone else you can trust not to cause issues for DCs later down the line.
I have to agree with PP that he’s only sorry because you caught him.
Do get tested for STDs - don’t worry about doing an at-home test, go to a clinic. You don’t need to explain, just say you want to be tested.
Im very sorry you find yourself in this situation - its not of your making and you don't deserve it.

Oh honestly don't be ashamed! Go to a dedicated sexual health clinic if you have one in your area. I love the sexual health clinic! One of the few truly women centered places within the NHS (or anywhere come to that) although I think they used to superb, they are still very good. You can tell them anything! They have heard it all a million times over I assure you and will give you tissues and sympathy and if you want, a laugh too. If I needed an HIV test I'd choose to have it at the sexual health walk-in clinic. You can also get appointments if you'd prefer.

Just wondering if his mental health could be a factor in his poor choices and reaction to being found out? This is in no way justifying his actions however.

How dare you criticise what I am going through

It's no justification for his actions whatsoever

Are you in London? Go to the Dean Street walk-in clinic in Soho.

What a bastard. I’m so sorry OP. Know that this is his doing and nothing that you have or haven’t done or said has led to this. What a POS. Please get yourself checked out.

It may point out that he needs help. Either way I think you need to pull in those you are closest to for support if your comfortable to confide a little and take a step back to determine what you want going forward. It's horrible even more so when kids are involved.

@Katebling what a shock… he has betrayed you in the worst way.

You have mentioned feelings of shame… please know that the shame is all his. His behaviour has nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Please try and speak to someone in real life who can be a support to you.